ae2004 - 我们的爱

Dun ask me how ae2004 and 我们的爱 are linked. The fact is, they are linked :) Anyway, its a really nice song, been out for quite some time, but still pretty much pleasant to the ears after 1 long year. Lyrics wise, not very meaningful though.

I had another BS gathering last evening with some old BS friends (2001-2002 era). A table of 8, everyone is talking abt how to earn as much money as possible in this Singapore society. I feel my own mentality getting closer to theirs, while I gradually distanced myself from serious buddhist cultivation. In fact, I feel so foreign and 'out' in certain religious discussions brought up by my friends in MSN or wats written in their blogs. I think i am really out this time, out for good. The chances of getting 'back' is very slim.

While i am certainly not on a healthy cultivational path, my career progress and advancement is not getting any better too. In fact, i havent been pleased with my performances of late. But my success is not exactly measured by the amt i earned, the number of jumps i have in the corporate ladder... but something that I wud like prove to myself and others that i am capable of acheiving (but most others cant).

It has been a gradual realisation over the years that I yearn to be different, to be away from the societal norm. The unfortunate fact is that i see the lack in fire and drive within myself to strive for the difference. Where has my drive and energy gone to? Have they been gone with age? Engulfed by family and health problems? I am waiting for one day, the day when the back of my head will receive a sudden blow, thrusting me to the place where i shld be.

Next week's gonna be a terrible week for me. I have been instructed by doctor to keep to a very strict diet - no meat, no vege, no fruits, no milk! I am only allowed to take noodles and cereals. Expected to sleep over at my '2nd home' again, clad in the bluish green pyjamas for a day or so :( I try to pyscho myself that everything is alright, but apparently, i am feeling the failure sub-conciously.