4 continuous litres of the slimy medical solution gulping down my oesphageous is getting me very sick. The 1st jar was okie. The 2nd one started to taste awful. The 3rd one made me feel unbearable. The 4th one nearly made me puke... yukes..
No meat, No veg, No fruits, No milk, No cereals for the past few days... and no food intake after 12 noon today. Finally tmr is the big time! Hopefully everything goes on smoothly :D
Today, I started to pack up my office room. Clearing my office reminds me of clearing my hostels, but the feelings I planted in are different. The memories of hostel was a fair mix of fun, laughters and hard work (studying). My office room reminded me of my struggles, fears, anxiety, exasperation, anger but also with some fun. I duno if i shld feel sad or happy leaving the company. I am not sure if I will be leaving as an elated winner or just a pathetic loser.
Nice talking to Jason - a not-so-close friend who used to get very upset over his break up with his gf of 5 yrs, 5 mths and 5 days. After abt 2 yrs, I am glad he is doing fine. From our ICQ conversations, I could see that he is much livelier, cheerful and energetic. When asked if he has the intention to win back his ex-gf's heart, his answer was a firm no.
I am impressed with his answer. Not so much on the decision he has made, but rather, he reminded me of one BS snr telling me " 不要吃回头草“。 She was advising me against the idea of retreiving back my resignation letter, although a large number of colleagues have tried very hard to dissuade me from leaving.
Working life is really tough. Nobody is there to plan and take charge of your life, once you are OUT from the university. Thats why i need a lot of self assurance and confidence.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Goodbye to my Comfort Zone
I have finally submitted my resignation. Unlike most people, I am quitting my job not because its too tough, but rather, its getting too 'comfortable'.
I feel i am not up to my job. Firstly, I do not have any skills and its kinda awkward to get my staffs to do their jobs under my commands. Secondly, I feel i am too young and inexperienced to manage such a large grp of ppl, many of them who possess much better leadership skills than I do. Thirdly, I feel so pampered and spoilt by my manager, that I find myself getting more vulnerable each day.
My GM often said that he is very sharp in selecting ppl, and just by looking and talking to a person for a short while, he can judge the person's character and whether he is suitable for the job. I hope I am not his first misjudgement, but apparently, it seems to be the case. On the other hand, my manager was very affected by my decision yday, and I din even realise it until today.
Initially, I thought he was just angry with my decision, and we didnt managed to have a nice heart to heart talk over the matter. I was disappointed he didnt ask me to stay, and was even more devasted he didnt give me a chance to explain why i wish to resign. I am also upset that he may have misunderstood my true intention of handing up the letter. Isnt it ironical that I often mention how close my boss and i were in my previous written entries?
But I realised with a pang of guilt today when he described to another colleage that his feeling was actually a mix of disappointment, sadness and anger. I am disgusted with myself, for my failure to understand and emphatise with others. I only recognised the anger element, not the sad one. I have done it again! It has nv been my intention to cause hurts to others, but my depression has gotten over me, once more.
Having a nicely self decorated personal office, wonderful PC + Printer + telephone, I ought to be contented. But those are nv my priority at work. I treasure my wonderful colleagues more. A few of them came to my room today and told me tat ever since the previous engineer left, they have been waiting so long for 'someone' to fill up this room, until I finally came. They no longer feel like abandoned employees with no one to look up to at work. With my presence, they no longer feel neglected and unprotected. I guess everyone, even employees, need attention. But I am sincerely apologetic for sending them for a false hope raising ride. It was heart wrenching to hear their stories today.
But life moves on, for everyone.
I feel i am not up to my job. Firstly, I do not have any skills and its kinda awkward to get my staffs to do their jobs under my commands. Secondly, I feel i am too young and inexperienced to manage such a large grp of ppl, many of them who possess much better leadership skills than I do. Thirdly, I feel so pampered and spoilt by my manager, that I find myself getting more vulnerable each day.
My GM often said that he is very sharp in selecting ppl, and just by looking and talking to a person for a short while, he can judge the person's character and whether he is suitable for the job. I hope I am not his first misjudgement, but apparently, it seems to be the case. On the other hand, my manager was very affected by my decision yday, and I din even realise it until today.
Initially, I thought he was just angry with my decision, and we didnt managed to have a nice heart to heart talk over the matter. I was disappointed he didnt ask me to stay, and was even more devasted he didnt give me a chance to explain why i wish to resign. I am also upset that he may have misunderstood my true intention of handing up the letter. Isnt it ironical that I often mention how close my boss and i were in my previous written entries?
But I realised with a pang of guilt today when he described to another colleage that his feeling was actually a mix of disappointment, sadness and anger. I am disgusted with myself, for my failure to understand and emphatise with others. I only recognised the anger element, not the sad one. I have done it again! It has nv been my intention to cause hurts to others, but my depression has gotten over me, once more.
Having a nicely self decorated personal office, wonderful PC + Printer + telephone, I ought to be contented. But those are nv my priority at work. I treasure my wonderful colleagues more. A few of them came to my room today and told me tat ever since the previous engineer left, they have been waiting so long for 'someone' to fill up this room, until I finally came. They no longer feel like abandoned employees with no one to look up to at work. With my presence, they no longer feel neglected and unprotected. I guess everyone, even employees, need attention. But I am sincerely apologetic for sending them for a false hope raising ride. It was heart wrenching to hear their stories today.
But life moves on, for everyone.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
无路可走，无路可退
无路可走，无路可退 is what i aim to push Lady A into. Becos of her special r/s with the snr manager and her ability to touch and win the hearts of many innocent (I call stupid) ppl, she is able to manipulate situations around in her favour. Even her direct superior, who is my v close friend (J), has to 'listen' to her orders and work under her mercy, even though by right this Lady A is supposed to report to her.
With this aim in mind, I am working out with my staffs to help J, such that it becomes Lady A's turn to plead J for help. And i think we r getting quite successful, in 'chopping off' all the helping hands Lady A used to have. When she has reached her wits end, she will have to turn to J for help, cos only J has established v good relations with my department, hahaha.
Last evening, a few frens from MOE were discussing whether its good to blog. One of them was against the idea, as he felt tat in blogging, we tend to write things tats not in accordance to social norm or morally right, and its a threat to their profession. But i think blogging really helps in balancing my life. We cant possibly pour out our problems to our friends all the while. We need time to gather our thoughts, to reflect on ourselves, to recollect our time spent, to know where we are heading to, to self organise etc.
Even long before i started blogging 2 yrs ago, I already have the habit of writing my own reflections and feelings in mircosoft Words. I remembered typing furiously on my laptop in between mugging breaks at the cen lib when i was in yr1.
I remembered joking to my mum and a few friends tat one day if u were to find a disfigured corpse with a long deep scar on the abdomen, theres a high chance that the body might be mine. As for now, if something abrupt or sudden were to happen to me one day, reading bits and traces of my blog may lead u to the clues.
With this aim in mind, I am working out with my staffs to help J, such that it becomes Lady A's turn to plead J for help. And i think we r getting quite successful, in 'chopping off' all the helping hands Lady A used to have. When she has reached her wits end, she will have to turn to J for help, cos only J has established v good relations with my department, hahaha.
Last evening, a few frens from MOE were discussing whether its good to blog. One of them was against the idea, as he felt tat in blogging, we tend to write things tats not in accordance to social norm or morally right, and its a threat to their profession. But i think blogging really helps in balancing my life. We cant possibly pour out our problems to our friends all the while. We need time to gather our thoughts, to reflect on ourselves, to recollect our time spent, to know where we are heading to, to self organise etc.
Even long before i started blogging 2 yrs ago, I already have the habit of writing my own reflections and feelings in mircosoft Words. I remembered typing furiously on my laptop in between mugging breaks at the cen lib when i was in yr1.
I remembered joking to my mum and a few friends tat one day if u were to find a disfigured corpse with a long deep scar on the abdomen, theres a high chance that the body might be mine. As for now, if something abrupt or sudden were to happen to me one day, reading bits and traces of my blog may lead u to the clues.
ae2004 - 我们的爱
Dun ask me how ae2004 and 我们的爱 are linked. The fact is, they are linked :) Anyway, its a really nice song, been out for quite some time, but still pretty much pleasant to the ears after 1 long year. Lyrics wise, not very meaningful though.
I had another BS gathering last evening with some old BS friends (2001-2002 era). A table of 8, everyone is talking abt how to earn as much money as possible in this Singapore society. I feel my own mentality getting closer to theirs, while I gradually distanced myself from serious buddhist cultivation. In fact, I feel so foreign and 'out' in certain religious discussions brought up by my friends in MSN or wats written in their blogs. I think i am really out this time, out for good. The chances of getting 'back' is very slim.
While i am certainly not on a healthy cultivational path, my career progress and advancement is not getting any better too. In fact, i havent been pleased with my performances of late. But my success is not exactly measured by the amt i earned, the number of jumps i have in the corporate ladder... but something that I wud like prove to myself and others that i am capable of acheiving (but most others cant).
It has been a gradual realisation over the years that I yearn to be different, to be away from the societal norm. The unfortunate fact is that i see the lack in fire and drive within myself to strive for the difference. Where has my drive and energy gone to? Have they been gone with age? Engulfed by family and health problems? I am waiting for one day, the day when the back of my head will receive a sudden blow, thrusting me to the place where i shld be.
Next week's gonna be a terrible week for me. I have been instructed by doctor to keep to a very strict diet - no meat, no vege, no fruits, no milk! I am only allowed to take noodles and cereals. Expected to sleep over at my '2nd home' again, clad in the bluish green pyjamas for a day or so :( I try to pyscho myself that everything is alright, but apparently, i am feeling the failure sub-conciously.
I had another BS gathering last evening with some old BS friends (2001-2002 era). A table of 8, everyone is talking abt how to earn as much money as possible in this Singapore society. I feel my own mentality getting closer to theirs, while I gradually distanced myself from serious buddhist cultivation. In fact, I feel so foreign and 'out' in certain religious discussions brought up by my friends in MSN or wats written in their blogs. I think i am really out this time, out for good. The chances of getting 'back' is very slim.
While i am certainly not on a healthy cultivational path, my career progress and advancement is not getting any better too. In fact, i havent been pleased with my performances of late. But my success is not exactly measured by the amt i earned, the number of jumps i have in the corporate ladder... but something that I wud like prove to myself and others that i am capable of acheiving (but most others cant).
It has been a gradual realisation over the years that I yearn to be different, to be away from the societal norm. The unfortunate fact is that i see the lack in fire and drive within myself to strive for the difference. Where has my drive and energy gone to? Have they been gone with age? Engulfed by family and health problems? I am waiting for one day, the day when the back of my head will receive a sudden blow, thrusting me to the place where i shld be.
Next week's gonna be a terrible week for me. I have been instructed by doctor to keep to a very strict diet - no meat, no vege, no fruits, no milk! I am only allowed to take noodles and cereals. Expected to sleep over at my '2nd home' again, clad in the bluish green pyjamas for a day or so :( I try to pyscho myself that everything is alright, but apparently, i am feeling the failure sub-conciously.
Friday, April 22, 2005
More work matters
"Although you have no problem getting things done, but u often will only put in the minimum effort, jus to get decent acceptable results"
That was exactly what a snr spoke of me. Btw, this snr was quite well know for his psychic power and ability to study a person's mindset and mentality. He is often very accurate, at least 99% accuracy for me and a few frens. My NUS results shld be one of the best indicators to prove wat he said is correct.
I told my manager abt it, and he laughed it off. I am thankful that he finds me a very capable and competent assistant, and often praise me in front of my General Manager. However, what i feel is nothing but guilt, cos i know i havent put in the extra mile and developed my fullest potential at my work place. This is what exactly what my snr described me in 2001.
Today, my General Manager's Personal assistant (PA) wanted to speak to both manager and I. She has always appeared to me as a demure, respectable and helpful lady, and I wouldnt expect anyone would find fault in her. She surprised us today by pouring out her grieviences to us, telling us how badly she has been backstabbed by that Lady A (the backstabber lady i mentioned weeks ago). My manager, who has always been a very woody, straight and innocent guy was finally convinced that lady A is indeed a cunning and evil lady. For the past 6 yrs, he has always thot this Lady A is a da hao ren.
My manager, as mentioned, is someone who is only interested in acheiving good results for the company, but terribly neglected the well-being and feelings of our staffs. I told him today that this happens too often to asians, who are only particularly interested in dealing with rational stuffs, while sweep all emotional issues under the carpet. On the surface, its indeed right that being rational allow us to acheive good results, while emotional issues are regarded as shameful and destructive. But the truth is otherwise. Without addressing the emotional issues in our staff will only lead the gradual disintergration of the dynamic force. Just like a piece of material, the harder it is, the more brittle it becomes.
I am now 1 yr into my job, fast isnt it? I have to make a decision soon, either to job hop in search of greener pasture, or i will have to stay in the company to help my manager clear away all the 'rubbish' - be it non-productive workers, non-efficient procedures or physical items like retundant equipment. My boss agrees with me that i am a good complement to him though.
Work is getting exciting. Call me evil, i am now gathering a large strength of ppl who are either openly or secretly against that lady A. With strong unity among ourselves, I doubt there s much she could do to harm us. :D
That was exactly what a snr spoke of me. Btw, this snr was quite well know for his psychic power and ability to study a person's mindset and mentality. He is often very accurate, at least 99% accuracy for me and a few frens. My NUS results shld be one of the best indicators to prove wat he said is correct.
I told my manager abt it, and he laughed it off. I am thankful that he finds me a very capable and competent assistant, and often praise me in front of my General Manager. However, what i feel is nothing but guilt, cos i know i havent put in the extra mile and developed my fullest potential at my work place. This is what exactly what my snr described me in 2001.
Today, my General Manager's Personal assistant (PA) wanted to speak to both manager and I. She has always appeared to me as a demure, respectable and helpful lady, and I wouldnt expect anyone would find fault in her. She surprised us today by pouring out her grieviences to us, telling us how badly she has been backstabbed by that Lady A (the backstabber lady i mentioned weeks ago). My manager, who has always been a very woody, straight and innocent guy was finally convinced that lady A is indeed a cunning and evil lady. For the past 6 yrs, he has always thot this Lady A is a da hao ren.
My manager, as mentioned, is someone who is only interested in acheiving good results for the company, but terribly neglected the well-being and feelings of our staffs. I told him today that this happens too often to asians, who are only particularly interested in dealing with rational stuffs, while sweep all emotional issues under the carpet. On the surface, its indeed right that being rational allow us to acheive good results, while emotional issues are regarded as shameful and destructive. But the truth is otherwise. Without addressing the emotional issues in our staff will only lead the gradual disintergration of the dynamic force. Just like a piece of material, the harder it is, the more brittle it becomes.
I am now 1 yr into my job, fast isnt it? I have to make a decision soon, either to job hop in search of greener pasture, or i will have to stay in the company to help my manager clear away all the 'rubbish' - be it non-productive workers, non-efficient procedures or physical items like retundant equipment. My boss agrees with me that i am a good complement to him though.
Work is getting exciting. Call me evil, i am now gathering a large strength of ppl who are either openly or secretly against that lady A. With strong unity among ourselves, I doubt there s much she could do to harm us. :D
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Fangs and Horns starting to grow....
When i was a junior commander in my old army unit, I treated my men very nicely due to the following reasons: 1)They are younger than me, so I tend to be more lenient. 2)I dun like to be harsh and nasty to ppl openly 3)They are not educated ppl, so i have less expectations of them. 4)Most of them were very gangsterly like and I dare not get myself into trouble.
When i was posted to my new unit to do admin stuffs, i no longer have anymore subordinates put under my charge. Someone from this new unit asked how 'good' a commander i was in my prev unit, and if i treated my men well. My answer was a confident "YES of course! I treated my men very well". However, he did not believe me, as he deeply believed tat anyone who is thrown to the position of a commander/superior/instructor is sure to turn nasty and hostile towards his subordinates, no matter how nice and pleasant he used to be. But i remained firm with my stand.
1 yr after taking up this job, i began to feel that what my army friend said might be true. When I first started work, i wasnt used to the feeling of having 100 over ppl reporting to me at work. I was afterall just a fresh graduate myself, with 0 working experience. However as the days go by, I gradually gain confidence in giving instructions, making decisions, and getting my ppl to do work for me. But then, I am still far from being labelled as nasty, nor did i instil that much fears in my staffs compared to my predecessor, who was notorious for being very fierce, commanding, demanding and authoratative.
One of my admin lady staff is supposed to go for an eye operation tmr, and would be away for 3 months' MC. However, she did not hand over her job well as instructed by my manager and me before leaving. Seeing her reluctance to teach others on her job, I have purposely made an appointment with her this afternoon, so as to ensure that she will finish teaching all her stuffs to another staff before leaving today. However, she went to take an urgent 1/2 day leave with approval from my GM, and left without my knowledge. And we wudnt be seeing her for the next 3 months.
I was so pissed that I requested the HR to serve her a termination. My HR department is also full of 'lao gan' ppl, who advised me against termination, as this would mean we need to compensate her for her job loss. Instead, they advised me to reallocate her, meaning to ask her to shift her table from the beautifully furnished and airconed office, to the noisy and dusty workshop and station there permanently. This is likely to make her resign on her own. I agree with this suggestion immediately, with strong support from my manager and GM.
One lady staff tried to plead with me to 'let her off', but i was v persistent. I reflected and i was shocked myself how fast my fangs and horns have grown over the months. I guess this shld be how the present society and economy works. If you are not competent, not productive and do not obey instructions, be prepared to go. This applies to everyone, especially myself as a degree holder holding a relatively higher pay in the company, shld be the among first few on the retrench list, if there is any.
When i was posted to my new unit to do admin stuffs, i no longer have anymore subordinates put under my charge. Someone from this new unit asked how 'good' a commander i was in my prev unit, and if i treated my men well. My answer was a confident "YES of course! I treated my men very well". However, he did not believe me, as he deeply believed tat anyone who is thrown to the position of a commander/superior/instructor is sure to turn nasty and hostile towards his subordinates, no matter how nice and pleasant he used to be. But i remained firm with my stand.
1 yr after taking up this job, i began to feel that what my army friend said might be true. When I first started work, i wasnt used to the feeling of having 100 over ppl reporting to me at work. I was afterall just a fresh graduate myself, with 0 working experience. However as the days go by, I gradually gain confidence in giving instructions, making decisions, and getting my ppl to do work for me. But then, I am still far from being labelled as nasty, nor did i instil that much fears in my staffs compared to my predecessor, who was notorious for being very fierce, commanding, demanding and authoratative.
One of my admin lady staff is supposed to go for an eye operation tmr, and would be away for 3 months' MC. However, she did not hand over her job well as instructed by my manager and me before leaving. Seeing her reluctance to teach others on her job, I have purposely made an appointment with her this afternoon, so as to ensure that she will finish teaching all her stuffs to another staff before leaving today. However, she went to take an urgent 1/2 day leave with approval from my GM, and left without my knowledge. And we wudnt be seeing her for the next 3 months.
I was so pissed that I requested the HR to serve her a termination. My HR department is also full of 'lao gan' ppl, who advised me against termination, as this would mean we need to compensate her for her job loss. Instead, they advised me to reallocate her, meaning to ask her to shift her table from the beautifully furnished and airconed office, to the noisy and dusty workshop and station there permanently. This is likely to make her resign on her own. I agree with this suggestion immediately, with strong support from my manager and GM.
One lady staff tried to plead with me to 'let her off', but i was v persistent. I reflected and i was shocked myself how fast my fangs and horns have grown over the months. I guess this shld be how the present society and economy works. If you are not competent, not productive and do not obey instructions, be prepared to go. This applies to everyone, especially myself as a degree holder holding a relatively higher pay in the company, shld be the among first few on the retrench list, if there is any.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Point form for tonite
1) My email was stuck cos i received a similar email many times from the same person. Big files attached some more.
2) Just finished jogging with my boss at the NUS SRC. Despite being older than me by more than 5 yrs, he finished 6 rounds of the tracks while i was still covering my 5th only :(
3) Prior to that, i brought him to biz canteen for dinner. Planned to bring him to science, then engin, then pgp for the subsq 3 evenings. He was from NTU.
4) Met 3 friends separately at biz canteen and my boss was quite shocked that how come i still seem to know 'so many' ppl in campus.
5) The course was great. But reminds me of my own bad experiences.
6) Everyone in the course except for me and my boss drives either a SUV, MPV or 2000cc & above sedan, and i really meant it! Hyundai Trajet, Hyundai Tucson, Camry, Merz :S.
7) My boss and I realise that we are indeed earning peanuts, despite being degree holders. But he is earning twice my salary, why is he making so much noise?!?!
2) Just finished jogging with my boss at the NUS SRC. Despite being older than me by more than 5 yrs, he finished 6 rounds of the tracks while i was still covering my 5th only :(
3) Prior to that, i brought him to biz canteen for dinner. Planned to bring him to science, then engin, then pgp for the subsq 3 evenings. He was from NTU.
4) Met 3 friends separately at biz canteen and my boss was quite shocked that how come i still seem to know 'so many' ppl in campus.
5) The course was great. But reminds me of my own bad experiences.
6) Everyone in the course except for me and my boss drives either a SUV, MPV or 2000cc & above sedan, and i really meant it! Hyundai Trajet, Hyundai Tucson, Camry, Merz :S.
7) My boss and I realise that we are indeed earning peanuts, despite being degree holders. But he is earning twice my salary, why is he making so much noise?!?!
Monday, April 18, 2005
Too many rubbish tonite
I came out from my shower, walked to my PC, and saw my monitor flashing with some MSN msgs. I checked them out and found out that one of my frens was desperately seeking my help. This not-so-close engin friend of mine needed a listening ear badly.
In fact, I only get to know this course mate of mine in our final yr - when he was staying at OKR while i was staying at ext A. Everyday when i went for lectures, i would sure walk past his room and say hi to him. He has always appeared to me as a pretty cool, suave but slightly eccentric guy. Thats probably why i was rather shocked when he told me tat his mom is not giving him enough attention.
I always thought at our age, we would find our parents (mum especially) super naggy and to a certain extent, irritating - Ananda! sukandar! And yours truely! But this friend of mine is having an exact opposite experience. He is actually disappointed with his mum for behaving like a couch potato, gluing to the tv box almost every single hr, and not showing the care and concerns he needed from her. But then, his mum is the one who cooks for him, do laundry for him, change bedsheet for him bla bla bla.... He finally realised that its just the diff ways tat our parents express their love and concern for us.
This evening, I brought my boss to the ARTs canteen for dinner, before we proceeded to attend our course on Accident Reconstruction. Saw Vincent(vinclone), Nale, pearl and a new face eating at ARTs too. Also saw michelle along the walkway. Just for Nale and pearl's info, this boss of mine is none other than the daddy of the baby whom i always love to 'publicize' on my web, hahahaa. Sent my boss home after the lesson at 10 only to be greeted by baby trisha, haha, waiting at the void deck for his daddy to come home. She is really so cute.
Tmr, my boss will be joining me for a jog at the SRC. IPPT is coming and i have to gear myself up, even though my health report isnt out yet. Hopefully its just a gall stone in my body, nothing else. My mum even joked tat it may be some tools 'left over' in my body during my last operation.
Oh yes, i called up m1 today to cancel my 3rd and last remaining hp line with them. This line used to be a sub-line for my mum's usage, and it cost me only $10/mth. However, after i cancelled my own main line, i have to upgrade this sub-line to a main one at $20/mth. So it was a tough choice for me then to give up my m1 line, cos i would lost this $10 forever. But HEY HEY!!! When i called m1 up today to cancel this line, they managed to retain me as a customer by offering me only $9.90/mth subscription! Hahahaa. . .somemore i will be enjoying $20 bill off every month. A super good bargain, can go and purchase a hp somemore. Hohoho..
In fact, I only get to know this course mate of mine in our final yr - when he was staying at OKR while i was staying at ext A. Everyday when i went for lectures, i would sure walk past his room and say hi to him. He has always appeared to me as a pretty cool, suave but slightly eccentric guy. Thats probably why i was rather shocked when he told me tat his mom is not giving him enough attention.
I always thought at our age, we would find our parents (mum especially) super naggy and to a certain extent, irritating - Ananda! sukandar! And yours truely! But this friend of mine is having an exact opposite experience. He is actually disappointed with his mum for behaving like a couch potato, gluing to the tv box almost every single hr, and not showing the care and concerns he needed from her. But then, his mum is the one who cooks for him, do laundry for him, change bedsheet for him bla bla bla.... He finally realised that its just the diff ways tat our parents express their love and concern for us.
This evening, I brought my boss to the ARTs canteen for dinner, before we proceeded to attend our course on Accident Reconstruction. Saw Vincent(vinclone), Nale, pearl and a new face eating at ARTs too. Also saw michelle along the walkway. Just for Nale and pearl's info, this boss of mine is none other than the daddy of the baby whom i always love to 'publicize' on my web, hahahaa. Sent my boss home after the lesson at 10 only to be greeted by baby trisha, haha, waiting at the void deck for his daddy to come home. She is really so cute.
Tmr, my boss will be joining me for a jog at the SRC. IPPT is coming and i have to gear myself up, even though my health report isnt out yet. Hopefully its just a gall stone in my body, nothing else. My mum even joked tat it may be some tools 'left over' in my body during my last operation.
Oh yes, i called up m1 today to cancel my 3rd and last remaining hp line with them. This line used to be a sub-line for my mum's usage, and it cost me only $10/mth. However, after i cancelled my own main line, i have to upgrade this sub-line to a main one at $20/mth. So it was a tough choice for me then to give up my m1 line, cos i would lost this $10 forever. But HEY HEY!!! When i called m1 up today to cancel this line, they managed to retain me as a customer by offering me only $9.90/mth subscription! Hahahaa. . .somemore i will be enjoying $20 bill off every month. A super good bargain, can go and purchase a hp somemore. Hohoho..
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Tikus and Kerbau (Rat & Ox)
Pic of tikus bersar & kerbau kici, taking the escalators up the Boon Keng Mrt station.
Few weeks ago, I spent a few minutes trying to log on to the IRAS website, hoping to file my income tax, but failed. Despite the advice given by some NUSBS snrs who are working at IRAS, I decided to call up IRAS to double confirm that I really dun need to file my income tax. Sad to say, the hotline is really very HOT, and i nv get thru once. Decided to email them.... and haha! I found out that i am REALLY NOT required to file my income tax, cos my total income for 2004 is less than 22K. In fact, I just miss it only by abt $100... heng ah~~~
I was listening to 933 while driving home from NUS. The deejay was making a comment which caught my attention: 两人的感情到了一个时候，总会变淡... I guess this is one of the roots of sufferings in most r/s. All unenlightened beings like us are still unable to accept the truth of impermanance, hoping that good things can last forever, unwilling to let go of the past good feelings and memories.
Spent the hot afternoon swimming at SRC, followed by a long nice chat with sukandar on our career. He recommended me a career switch, to something which I found pretty interesting. OWY also expressed interest in this field... hmmm.. mabbe i shld really spend sometime doing some research. Anyway, my options have always remained open all this while. Took a meal at PGP Fuzion which cost me 20 bucks, ahhaha.... no heart pain definitely cos it was a happy meal worth spending.
My mum told me today that my dad's ex business partner is taking him to court soon. Bloody basket idiot mother fucker..... the business is already not making money, and now we need to spend abt 20-30K on legal fees to fight the case. And if we were to lose the case, we need to fork out another 20-30K to cover the expenses bear by the other party. But life is short.. who knows that idiot may jus die of heart attack tmr? Wahahaaa.....
Sorry tat i am getting vulgar and crude + unholy. When the lifestyle is getting more stressful, its really bobian. Tmr onwards, i will be attending a course at NUS every evening from 630 to 930pm, straight after work. Talk abt hectic lifestyle...
Brother and his brothers
I seldom openly announce that i am happy, but i really feel happy tonight. Probably the happiness i have has exceeded the normal threshold, that I have to say it out tonite in my blog.
Today (or rather yday) was my brother's ROM. The day started disastrously, with a lot of resentments and arguements due to harsh speeches made on one another at home. Fortunately, the petty issues were kinda diluted after the ROM ceremony.
The fact is that I am never close to my own brother since young. Ever since we had a huge fight when i was abt 12 yr old, we didnt speak to each other for a very long time. And our r/s kinda got strained from then onwards, and we were NEVER close since then. Perhaps this explain why he has found many 'brothers' outside while i myself found many 'brothers' i called my own too.
Today, I get to see all his 'brothers' who were definitely more excited and happy over the occassion than this natural blood brother of his. And yes, i really envy him that he has this grp of close friends/brothers by his side to support him in life.
I joined my brother and his 'brothers' plus their galfrens for a karaoke session after the ROM. This is the first time i ever joined my brother with his friends in activities. And I realise most of his brothers carried themselves very well, and its obvious that they have been thru 大 场 面 in life, even though some of them are around my age - job ranging from technical engineers to sales engineers to young entrepeuners. They remind me of ppl like Ms Angie Monksfield and Kueh Soon Han (minus the sincerity part). Comparatively, the friends i have around me are really very different from his. My friends are generally more down-to-earth and conservative. But tat definitely doesn mean my friends are more inferior to his!
I suddenly feel like a frog in the well. I feel that at my age, i havent seen enough of the world. I am losing out a lot, esp after meeting up with some engin course mates and learnt abt their current lifestyle. But i am really glad for my brother's success in life. He has always been so lucky - The late Ven Hong Choon stroked his head when he bumped into him while running around at PKS as a toddler. Today at his ROM, BG George Yeo shook hands with him cos he happened to be around.
Today (or rather yday) was my brother's ROM. The day started disastrously, with a lot of resentments and arguements due to harsh speeches made on one another at home. Fortunately, the petty issues were kinda diluted after the ROM ceremony.
The fact is that I am never close to my own brother since young. Ever since we had a huge fight when i was abt 12 yr old, we didnt speak to each other for a very long time. And our r/s kinda got strained from then onwards, and we were NEVER close since then. Perhaps this explain why he has found many 'brothers' outside while i myself found many 'brothers' i called my own too.
Today, I get to see all his 'brothers' who were definitely more excited and happy over the occassion than this natural blood brother of his. And yes, i really envy him that he has this grp of close friends/brothers by his side to support him in life.
I joined my brother and his 'brothers' plus their galfrens for a karaoke session after the ROM. This is the first time i ever joined my brother with his friends in activities. And I realise most of his brothers carried themselves very well, and its obvious that they have been thru 大 场 面 in life, even though some of them are around my age - job ranging from technical engineers to sales engineers to young entrepeuners. They remind me of ppl like Ms Angie Monksfield and Kueh Soon Han (minus the sincerity part). Comparatively, the friends i have around me are really very different from his. My friends are generally more down-to-earth and conservative. But tat definitely doesn mean my friends are more inferior to his!
I suddenly feel like a frog in the well. I feel that at my age, i havent seen enough of the world. I am losing out a lot, esp after meeting up with some engin course mates and learnt abt their current lifestyle. But i am really glad for my brother's success in life. He has always been so lucky - The late Ven Hong Choon stroked his head when he bumped into him while running around at PKS as a toddler. Today at his ROM, BG George Yeo shook hands with him cos he happened to be around.
Friday, April 15, 2005
It rOcKs!!!
This afternoon, I went to NUH for UltraSound. I felt as if i was a pregnant lady being scanned all over my abdomen, except for the fact there isnt any baby in me. Instead, a foreign but unidentified object was found somewhere near my kidney. I din bother to ask the medical officers for the details cos I am really not interested in it. Perhaps shall wait for what the doctor has to say, after i have completed all my scheduled scannings and endoscopy.
Proceeded to mandi my car at SOC carpark. Nice weather, nice feeling, nice place for bathing my Partner. Tmr is gonna be my brother's ROM, so have to make sure all the cars 'attending' the ceremony is presentable.
Feeling tired very easily these days. Voice getting more frail and face getting paler each day. Perhaps i shld start shaving my head again, as Michelle and a few others feedbacked to me that I look better (not more handsome but more vibrant) with my botak head. My present spiky hairstyle seems to be capturing too much attention from unwanted ppl, be it in hawker centres, NUH and even at my neighbourhood.... secondary school gals, guys (or gays) etc ... sighz.. but no attractive young ladies are looking at me :(
But my greatest concern is still none other than my parents. I hope I can take good care of them till their last breaths. If not, I hope they can be assured tat I have already founded 'the way' to lead a meaningful life, so they shall not be overly concerned over me.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
More complaints abt work
I am actually quite hesistant to change my background song to this present one, as the previous one is my all time favourite. Tian Tian Kan Dao Ni - sang by Ah Do. I know many ppl do not like his singings, or think his singing sux. But in my opinion, I seriously thought he is an excellent singer, with superb singing techniques and having the right vocal controls, that very few other singers nowadays possess. Dun believe? Ask those professionals then, haha....
Today, another manager of mine came to my office to share with me his problems at work. He joined the company not long ago, but is in charged of another workshop. Unfortunately for him, there is this lady executive in one of the departments under his charged tat created many problems for him. This lady used to be the 'pet' of another senior manager, but after some reshufflements of job duties, she is now under the charged of this new manager. She is very unhappy to work under him and went round backstabbing him.
The funny thing is that this lady herself is well known to be a fxxk-up worker. And becos she didnt get a good appraisal recently, she went around lodging complaints to the CEOs as well as a certain Minister in singapore. In her letters, she cried for justice on how unfairly she has been appraised by this new manager, and also complained abt how lousy this new manager is, and kept the evidences of all his minus points and wrong doings.
Siao la... i ve nv seen any lady as 'poisonous' as her. Her email is always full of words like 'bitch!', ' i will make sure you suffer', 'go to hell', 'dun agitate me' bla bla bla... Cant imagine such a person exist. And yet she always managed to get her way through successfully. I really pity my new manager. And i wonder how is this lady going to bear her karma.
Enough said. Sumantri will be having his first paper tmr. All the best to all taking exams =) Teddy, dun worry nothing s wrong with liki ridian ree... dun have to be over worried.
Today, another manager of mine came to my office to share with me his problems at work. He joined the company not long ago, but is in charged of another workshop. Unfortunately for him, there is this lady executive in one of the departments under his charged tat created many problems for him. This lady used to be the 'pet' of another senior manager, but after some reshufflements of job duties, she is now under the charged of this new manager. She is very unhappy to work under him and went round backstabbing him.
The funny thing is that this lady herself is well known to be a fxxk-up worker. And becos she didnt get a good appraisal recently, she went around lodging complaints to the CEOs as well as a certain Minister in singapore. In her letters, she cried for justice on how unfairly she has been appraised by this new manager, and also complained abt how lousy this new manager is, and kept the evidences of all his minus points and wrong doings.
Siao la... i ve nv seen any lady as 'poisonous' as her. Her email is always full of words like 'bitch!', ' i will make sure you suffer', 'go to hell', 'dun agitate me' bla bla bla... Cant imagine such a person exist. And yet she always managed to get her way through successfully. I really pity my new manager. And i wonder how is this lady going to bear her karma.
Enough said. Sumantri will be having his first paper tmr. All the best to all taking exams =) Teddy, dun worry nothing s wrong with liki ridian ree... dun have to be over worried.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Parents Zui Da
The above is the Brand Promise of my company to our customers, which comprise both taxi drivers and private car owners. Nowadays, customer service is so greatly stressed be it in shopping centres, customer svc hotlines, hospital etc that it comes before anything else.
Unfortunately for me, my personal office room is located at the ground floor, which is most easily accessible to our 'customers'. As a result, many of them would knock on my door, enter my room and make complaints on all kinds of matters, some of which are not related to my work at all.
Today, I got a complaint from a customer that our canteen food is expensive. Weeks ago, a taxi driver complained to me that our diesel price is far too high. Ridiculous leh, i have totally no control over such matters, but still, I have to 'represent' my company to appease these ppl, just becos i am the only 'non-uniform' staff around with a personal office tat they can find to vent their frustrations. On the positive note, i take this as a challenge. Human touch and having interpersonal skills must be one of the most impt skills in life. My GM told us that the most successful ppl are often those who are v humble, friendly, approachable and well-liked by everyone ie. Good soft skills and nice to everyone. But i know i am still extremely far away from it...... perhaps really a good training ground to work on Khanti.
While i was bathing today, I recalled with a scare in me that I really cannot afford to stop working. My family expenses rely dominantly on my contribution. But i appreciate my parents for taking care of me when i was dependent on them. Even now, i am still dependent on mother for the housework, food, laundry etc. I really x 10000 feel that theres no way we can repay the kindness of our parents. No way, really no way. If we dun love our parents, who else will love them? I guess their life will be meaningless if they lost the love of their children.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Wo Men De Ai
*click the image for its larger version*
I think I have neglected my buddha statue terribly. Besides dusting it every 1 or 2 days and offering flowers every 1st and 15th day of the month, I havent been doing much. I have not done my chanting and meditation in front of the Buddha statue for ages....*guilty*
Went to TTSH today to visit a fellow engineer. He has opted for B2 ward but becos all the B2 beds have been taken up, he was upgraded to B1 ward but paying B2 rate. Everything seemed so good until I heard tat becos he is a B2 grade patient staying in a B1 grade ward, he would not be entitled B1 stuffs like a remote control to his personal tv, and the standard toiletries package which only B1 patients have. Tats disgusting... wats so difficult of passing the remote control to the patient? Walaos... talk abt 1st class hospital services in Singapore :~{ It makes me more determined not to go for my medical treatments at NUH, pure waste of time and money.
Ananda will be performing FIR's Wo Men De Ai to everyone on Vesak Day. Stay tuned! Dun feel like writing much tonite, except to remind all my friends, pls take care of yourself. Even if the body is sick, let the mind not be sick.
Monday, April 11, 2005
BluetOOth ROckS
I think ppl are going to call me a narcist soon. True enough, I do love with myself to a great extent. But well, if I dun love myself, who else is going to love me more? So to my friends who are depressed & sad out there, do learn how to LOVE yourself. Let go of all the unhappiness, take good care of yourself, and march courageously forward :)
Smallbro OWY helped me bought my bluetooth adaptor today, and the above pic was my very first trial in using the adaptor to tranfer files betw my hp and pc. I have always admired ppl with sharp and straight noses, as i find them v refined and good looking ppl. Unfortunately, my nose has always been rounded (and ugly!) since young. But hey presto!!! From the pic, I notice that my nose seems to be getting straighter and sharper these days, wahahahaha.
Back to the bluetooth thingie, I have to say a big thank you to smallbro OWY for his effort to buy me the bluetooth adaptor :D Tried to set it up for the entire aftn at my work place but failed. Went home and tried, and finally succeeded with the help of my brother. It seems that the adaptor is not directly compaitable for windows XP/2000, need to 'cheat' a bit here and there with the help of some advices given on the internet forums.
Went to NUH today for the super sian check up this morning. By right, i was supposed to undergo 2 different treatments (XXX & YYY) but becos i opted for a subsidized rate, I have to cancel my prev appointments, and rebook them again under the subsidized rate. And true enough with my guessing, the doctor whom i see today (a diff one) told me tat i need not go for procedure XXX & YYY as they seem useless to him. In fact, he suggested going for ZZZ and AAA. Siao la.. i showed him the memo written by the previous doctor, and then he finally said: Okie, since the prev doc wanted u to go for XXX & YYY, i shall arrange u to go. Go for ZZZ as well.
But i dun think i am going to spend that much money on all these procedures. I see myself more like a guinea pig than anything. Remembered 7 yrs ago, the doctor performed an endoscopy on me, stuffing a big fat tube thru my throat right into my stomach. The feeling was terrible and unbearable, not to mention a crowd of abt 10-15 medical students were crowding around to witness the procedure. My doctor (their professor) has used me to demonstrate to them on endoscopy (blxxdy hell!). The students were initially so noisy chatting among themselves that after seeing me in pain, they were too shocked and gross to utter even a single noise.
But something nice worth mentioning was that the 2 nurses who attended to me were superbly nice today. You may call it emotional labour or wat, but they gave me a very nice and comfortable feeling, unlike the previous nurse whom quarrelled with me 2 weeks ago. She was around today, staring at me with the corner of her eyes. I felt like going up to her and say: Kua simi lxx jxxx!
Sunday, April 10, 2005
I am nOt the Victim
怎麼會這樣呢 在我對你毫無懷疑的時候 你告訴我你要離開我
怎麼會這樣呢 這樣赤裸裸連藉口都沒有 OH﹗原來誠實 是那麼傷人
再說感情也該有些線索 昨天你還那麼溫柔 誰會看得出你和她已經那麼久
當朋友看這段感情的時候 都覺得我是受害者
分手真的難受 哭了又能如何 我不要自己太軟弱
而當你看這段感情的時候 是否也覺得我是受害者
往事歷歷如昨 我付出那麼多 可憐的是你竟一無所有
The prev song has been removed cos it has received non-positive feedbacks. Nvtheless, its a nice song sang by A-sang (bean's ouxiang?). The current song is an old one - In my opinion, this song comprises nothing but whinings from a gal over her lost relationship. But the lyrics can be so true.
As suggested by the song title "Victim" (Love victim to be precise), the song wrote about this gal who is unable to accept the abrupt & sudden ending of her r/s. I guess in life, there are too many cases (not jus in bgr r/s) that changes take place so quickly that we are unable to accept them graciously. The end result is only suffering. Echoing what was written in bean's blog, sometimes thing are really too good to be true. While we were lost in our sensual (not juz sexual!) pleasures, we din realise they are often accompanied by sufferings behind. Quoted from one of Nale's forwarded email: Lust for sensual pleasures is like addicting to drug, you will never get enough of it.
A lighter note on this song is that the singer sang with realisation that there is no point crying over the past, and reminded herself to be strong. The ending is kinda nice but egoistic (haha): I may have given out a lot in the r/s, but you are the one who ended up with nothing.
Talking abt ego, I realise that my previous blog contents did not explain its title. The title was given as i have been feeling pretty egoistic lately. I told my frens that its due to the slight rise in attention i am getting from others these days tat has been feeding my ego.
Another interesting thing i realise is that I nv seem to 'run out' of chemistry with the newbies in NUSBS. Lately, there are more than a couple of juniors telling me that they feel a sense of connection with me, it may not be the precise words they used, but more or less along this line. While I am definitely honoured and glad that ppl are able to relate to me, I do have my reservations as well. Whatever they are, i should treasure everything around me now.
怎麼會這樣呢 這樣赤裸裸連藉口都沒有 OH﹗原來誠實 是那麼傷人
再說感情也該有些線索 昨天你還那麼溫柔 誰會看得出你和她已經那麼久
當朋友看這段感情的時候 都覺得我是受害者
分手真的難受 哭了又能如何 我不要自己太軟弱
而當你看這段感情的時候 是否也覺得我是受害者
往事歷歷如昨 我付出那麼多 可憐的是你竟一無所有
The prev song has been removed cos it has received non-positive feedbacks. Nvtheless, its a nice song sang by A-sang (bean's ouxiang?). The current song is an old one - In my opinion, this song comprises nothing but whinings from a gal over her lost relationship. But the lyrics can be so true.
As suggested by the song title "Victim" (Love victim to be precise), the song wrote about this gal who is unable to accept the abrupt & sudden ending of her r/s. I guess in life, there are too many cases (not jus in bgr r/s) that changes take place so quickly that we are unable to accept them graciously. The end result is only suffering. Echoing what was written in bean's blog, sometimes thing are really too good to be true. While we were lost in our sensual (not juz sexual!) pleasures, we din realise they are often accompanied by sufferings behind. Quoted from one of Nale's forwarded email: Lust for sensual pleasures is like addicting to drug, you will never get enough of it.
A lighter note on this song is that the singer sang with realisation that there is no point crying over the past, and reminded herself to be strong. The ending is kinda nice but egoistic (haha): I may have given out a lot in the r/s, but you are the one who ended up with nothing.
Talking abt ego, I realise that my previous blog contents did not explain its title. The title was given as i have been feeling pretty egoistic lately. I told my frens that its due to the slight rise in attention i am getting from others these days tat has been feeding my ego.
Another interesting thing i realise is that I nv seem to 'run out' of chemistry with the newbies in NUSBS. Lately, there are more than a couple of juniors telling me that they feel a sense of connection with me, it may not be the precise words they used, but more or less along this line. While I am definitely honoured and glad that ppl are able to relate to me, I do have my reservations as well. Whatever they are, i should treasure everything around me now.
Ego is Swelling Again
This evening I had a BS FOC2001 Games Sub-com dinner gathering. In our games sub-com itself, there was already a total of 17 gamers, so you can imagine how big scale the camp was then. However over the yrs, not all the 17 of us remain in close contact, but i am glad majority of us would still meet up for gatherings at least once to twice per yr, even though some have left BS shortly after the camp.
As usual, we update one another on our jobs, life etc, and of cos, we wouldnt miss recalling the fun and wonderful days we had spent together while in bs. PGP was kinda like our HQ, just like what stanley told me yday during exam dinner that PGP is now 'their' HQ for NUSSU activities. During our chats, we couldnt help but feel tat we have really grown up quite a lot over the few yrs in NUS. We found ourselves pretty childish then while preparing the camp, with arguements and some crazy stuffs tat we did for the entire of the may/june/july hols in 2001.
I am glad i have experienced this phase of my life. Most of them also commented that they felt very lucky to have joined the camp, which have made up the most fun part of their campus life. The fun and experiences we all shared are indescripable and imcomparable.
There was these 2 frens of mine who were once a couple. Ever since they broke off late last yr, the guy has been missing in our group gatherings... sigh. I also just learnt that another friend has just ended her relationship. Although she seems to be doing fine, now, I sincerely wish her all the best. Dun worry, you r a nice gal, you will definitely find the best person for you one day.
As usual, we update one another on our jobs, life etc, and of cos, we wouldnt miss recalling the fun and wonderful days we had spent together while in bs. PGP was kinda like our HQ, just like what stanley told me yday during exam dinner that PGP is now 'their' HQ for NUSSU activities. During our chats, we couldnt help but feel tat we have really grown up quite a lot over the few yrs in NUS. We found ourselves pretty childish then while preparing the camp, with arguements and some crazy stuffs tat we did for the entire of the may/june/july hols in 2001.
I am glad i have experienced this phase of my life. Most of them also commented that they felt very lucky to have joined the camp, which have made up the most fun part of their campus life. The fun and experiences we all shared are indescripable and imcomparable.
There was these 2 frens of mine who were once a couple. Ever since they broke off late last yr, the guy has been missing in our group gatherings... sigh. I also just learnt that another friend has just ended her relationship. Although she seems to be doing fine, now, I sincerely wish her all the best. Dun worry, you r a nice gal, you will definitely find the best person for you one day.
Friday, April 08, 2005
The Skills of Learning
Seeing too many beans!? Haha, click on the pictures above to view the full versions. Nothing much to reflect on this evening's exam dinner. Perhaps its meant for those who are taking exams not ppl like me, haha. Spent most of time talking to this yr1 junior and his friend, telling them the benefits of joining BS.
When i was struggling with my FYP one yr ago, I was very concerned with getting the right results from my expt that i constantly went to bug my professor for verifications. He got annoyed and told me that he wasnt interested in my expt results at all. Instead, he is more concerned with my approach towards my project. In other words, he wants his students to pick up the skills of doing research, instead of getting the right results.
His words reminded me of a talk/workshop that covered the mentality of students towards university education. When I was in my sec sch and jc days, there were kinda 2 opposing mentalities towards education adopted by students. The first one is to study for good grades and getting good jobs. The second one is to study with interests. But these are no longer the primary concern for ppl nowadays. Most have gone beyond the box in their thinking, and are now focussing more on learning skills, rather than learning the subject contents and matters.
I recalled a few of my course mates who were multiple dean listers. I realised that their good results were not jus attributed by their passion for the subject matters and their diligence, but MORE of their skills in identifying the right approach for each and every different module. I remembered one of them once told me in NUS yr2 that he has finally 'found' the right approach to study one of the module. I was then pretty puzzled and thought 'shouldnt it be the same for all modules?' I realised pretty late that i am indeed SLOW in this aspect.
True enough, what we study in sch is often insufficent and non applicable to our jobs (in the future), esp in the engineering fac when the field is so damm wide. Most of those technical companies provide trainings for fresh grads, showing that the 'skills of learning' is even more important, rather than the limited subject contents we have picked up from our pathetic modules.
A NUSBS snr was crying out loud a few yrs ago that ppl nowadays do not study with interests. He looked down on these ppl and even criticised our education system a failure. But he din realise that most of his peers have already gone beyond that phase. While its impt to study with interest, the others have also realised the importance of picking up skills, not jus technical ones, but those skills tat come in handy when we approach new problems/projects.
To me, though i din pick up much technical skills from NUS, but i guess the few yrs of tough trainings to overcome modules and projects have kinda given me ample confidence in my first job, to pick up new skills and projects that are totally irrelevant to the things i studied in NUS.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Stress is building up
Stress has kinda built up in me. Although I still have quite a bit of time with me, I realise that I have not really done much for the meditation workshop which I have agreed to organise earlier. Worse of all, the dates clash with CEP, meaning I will lose a pool of manpower + participants.
Organising this event is not as easy as i have expected. Afterall, its expected to be a large scale external event, unlike the activities I used to have in NUS, where facilities, manpower and even money is more readily available. The first and foremost difficulty is getting a location for the event, before I can start of with publicity, registrations and all the other matters. And the fact that I am now a full time worker doesn help, meaning i have less time to source of manpower and resources.
Nvtheless, I hope I can learn from my snrs, who have had many experiences in organising external meditation retreats and camps. I guess its a good way to kick myself OUT from my current status. Dun wish to stay on only at the participating level, without taking up any roles and responsibilities. No point attending countless of events but not contributing la, really no point leh...
My colleague told me that she has many things to do, but no mood to do. That is what i have been experiencing these days... so many things to do but lazy to do. At work, i have reports to write and results to analyse, and off work, i have posters to design and websites to update, but am super lazy and demotivated to do them. I find excuses by convincing myself that i am suffering from poor health lately, shld rest more. But its kinda bullshxx....
I dun understand gals. They can be so close to you at one moment, but ignore u completely later. And after that, she wants to talk to you again. Shld i be feeling guilty? Or shld i simply bochap? A guy fren said something very interesting to me today: When gals start to share with me their feelings, life story, or ask this and that abt my personal life, i will close my connection with them. Hmmmm... something to ponder abt.
Organising this event is not as easy as i have expected. Afterall, its expected to be a large scale external event, unlike the activities I used to have in NUS, where facilities, manpower and even money is more readily available. The first and foremost difficulty is getting a location for the event, before I can start of with publicity, registrations and all the other matters. And the fact that I am now a full time worker doesn help, meaning i have less time to source of manpower and resources.
Nvtheless, I hope I can learn from my snrs, who have had many experiences in organising external meditation retreats and camps. I guess its a good way to kick myself OUT from my current status. Dun wish to stay on only at the participating level, without taking up any roles and responsibilities. No point attending countless of events but not contributing la, really no point leh...
My colleague told me that she has many things to do, but no mood to do. That is what i have been experiencing these days... so many things to do but lazy to do. At work, i have reports to write and results to analyse, and off work, i have posters to design and websites to update, but am super lazy and demotivated to do them. I find excuses by convincing myself that i am suffering from poor health lately, shld rest more. But its kinda bullshxx....
I dun understand gals. They can be so close to you at one moment, but ignore u completely later. And after that, she wants to talk to you again. Shld i be feeling guilty? Or shld i simply bochap? A guy fren said something very interesting to me today: When gals start to share with me their feelings, life story, or ask this and that abt my personal life, i will close my connection with them. Hmmmm... something to ponder abt.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Baboon meets Panda
Are u seeing a baboon or a panda? No, u r seeing riki. Click on the picture itself to view the larger and clearer version (trying to impress myself again with the nokia camera). Riki complained that he is becoming like a panda cos he has been sleeping at 4am for the past few nites. Sumantri didnt look good either. May all of them take good care of their health and do well for the exams.
Time flies. Sumantri has already wrapped up his FYP. I still remember vividly that rainy nite that i visited him at Hall 10. He was then busy preparing for his yr1 Dynamics paper, solving some problems on pulley systems. His room mate then was Effendi, who offered me some beer he got from his part time job. It has been 3 yrs since. There were phases whereby I was enjoying my IA period while he busy preparing for exams, then came his IA period while i busy preparing for my FYP, and now he has just finished with his FYP while i am already out at work for 1yr.
Today, I visited the doctor and he gave me a MC for the day. However, I left my office only during lunch hours cos i have quite a bit of work to be done. What worry me more now is that the gal whom i mentioned before seems to have gone beyond normal platonic friendship. As i have lost my voice due to sore throat, she got very concerned and sent me the frown icon face on MSN, saying we 'cannot talk on phone anymore' (we do that everyday). A few min ago, she came online immediately upon reaching home and said she wanted to check on me to see if i am asleep already (cos she wanted me to sleep early cos i am sick).
I am a person who likes freedom, and do not like to be tied, controlled or be given too much attention. Its sometimes just so hard to draw the line clearly between a boy and gal relationship.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
花言巧语
<花言巧语 >
彷彿記得那夏天 美好回憶屬於我倆之間
景物猶在 人事已非 你已不在我身邊
曾經許下的山盟海誓 如今已跟你隨風而逝
愛承受不了花言巧語的你 誰也看不清
Oh what's going on
You said you understand
You didn't mean a thing
My love was just too much for you
Well baby, i must agree
期待你的回首 傾聽我心訴說
當我付出了真情卻是空虛寂寞
You said you understand
You didn't mean a thing
My love was just too much for you
Well baby, i must agree
往日甜蜜回憶 深鎖在我心裡
就讓那往事如風一般去 繾綣而去
期待你的回首 傾聽我心訴說
當我付出真情換來卻是空虛寂寞
往日甜蜜回憶 深鎖在我心裡
就讓那往事如風一般去 繾綣而去
This song is specially dedicated to a friend, Serene Ho. When i listened to love songs in the past (sec sch days), i didnt feel much for them. Its only at this age i began to appreciate the lyrics written, probably gotta do with the experiences i ve been thru. For the sake of those who cant read chinese, let me loosely translate some of the parts:
Remembering those good old times we spent together, as if all wonderful things belong to us. And even love cannot withstand your sweet talk.
Even though all the beautiful sceneries may still be present, but you are now no longer around by my side.....
You Said You Understand You Didn´t Mean A Thing
My Love Was Just Too Much For You...
When i have given my entire heart out, only in exchange back of loneliness...All the past memories buried deep in my heart....
Let the past be gone with the wind....
My intention of putting this song here is not to dig up the old past of my friend, neither am i trying to increase the pains of the wounds. I just hope that from this song, we can realise that the problems we face in life is not unique and its not only happening to us. The lyrics of this song must have been written out of the song writer's personal love experiences.
I know its very painful, but just like the love is not ever-lasting, the pain will not stay with us forever. Thats part and parcel of life, i guess.
彷彿記得那夏天 美好回憶屬於我倆之間
景物猶在 人事已非 你已不在我身邊
曾經許下的山盟海誓 如今已跟你隨風而逝
愛承受不了花言巧語的你 誰也看不清
Oh what's going on
You said you understand
You didn't mean a thing
My love was just too much for you
Well baby, i must agree
期待你的回首 傾聽我心訴說
當我付出了真情卻是空虛寂寞
You said you understand
You didn't mean a thing
My love was just too much for you
Well baby, i must agree
往日甜蜜回憶 深鎖在我心裡
就讓那往事如風一般去 繾綣而去
期待你的回首 傾聽我心訴說
當我付出真情換來卻是空虛寂寞
往日甜蜜回憶 深鎖在我心裡
就讓那往事如風一般去 繾綣而去
This song is specially dedicated to a friend, Serene Ho. When i listened to love songs in the past (sec sch days), i didnt feel much for them. Its only at this age i began to appreciate the lyrics written, probably gotta do with the experiences i ve been thru. For the sake of those who cant read chinese, let me loosely translate some of the parts:
Remembering those good old times we spent together, as if all wonderful things belong to us. And even love cannot withstand your sweet talk.
Even though all the beautiful sceneries may still be present, but you are now no longer around by my side.....
You Said You Understand You Didn´t Mean A Thing
My Love Was Just Too Much For You...
When i have given my entire heart out, only in exchange back of loneliness...All the past memories buried deep in my heart....
Let the past be gone with the wind....
My intention of putting this song here is not to dig up the old past of my friend, neither am i trying to increase the pains of the wounds. I just hope that from this song, we can realise that the problems we face in life is not unique and its not only happening to us. The lyrics of this song must have been written out of the song writer's personal love experiences.
I know its very painful, but just like the love is not ever-lasting, the pain will not stay with us forever. Thats part and parcel of life, i guess.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Heartless - i cant live without u
I am not sure if I shld write this entry now, for v often, i am unwilling to express what i wish to say in words, without sounding too exaggerating or 'packaged'. I admire littlecow on her ability to express her feelings very well in her blog.
A friend was asking me how heartless ppl can get. Yes, i agree that human beings can sometimes be so heartless, often leaving the receiving party in extreme pain and agony. How can a person's heart change so extremely within a short period of time?How can a person let go so easily of the good times that he used to share with his love one? How can his words and promises be so fragile and weak?
A fren has already crossed the 2nd yr of his r/s with his present gf. However, he still feels the pain and constantly lives in the shadows of his previous r/s. Another fren broke up with her bf of 2yrs without feeling much pain, but her recently ended r/s of 2 months left her in deep agony.
Love between 2 person shld ONLY be the partial union of their lives, and not a total overlap of each other's lives. When one party puts his/her life entirely into the other party's life, it leads to the situation of : I cant live without you.
A friend was asking me how heartless ppl can get. Yes, i agree that human beings can sometimes be so heartless, often leaving the receiving party in extreme pain and agony. How can a person's heart change so extremely within a short period of time?How can a person let go so easily of the good times that he used to share with his love one? How can his words and promises be so fragile and weak?
A fren has already crossed the 2nd yr of his r/s with his present gf. However, he still feels the pain and constantly lives in the shadows of his previous r/s. Another fren broke up with her bf of 2yrs without feeling much pain, but her recently ended r/s of 2 months left her in deep agony.
Love between 2 person shld ONLY be the partial union of their lives, and not a total overlap of each other's lives. When one party puts his/her life entirely into the other party's life, it leads to the situation of : I cant live without you.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
My Family
[17:00hrs, 2nd April]
One look at the photo and ppl wud think my family produces only 1 uni graduate. Has initially planned to go to the studio again for a family photo with both my brother and me in graduation gowns, but becos of some family and financial issues, i decided to abandon that plan. Cindeee aka ah mei! tats my brother lor...
[00:56hrs, 3rd April]
Once again, Jane and I went for a makan 'spree' this evening. This time, we chose indonesian food again. We had our dinner at Ivin's restaurant, the eatery which we have intially wanted to patronise on thursday, but ended up going Jurong Bird Park instead. The food sold here is just as delicious, but its cheaper and the food are placed in claypots. We waited abt 40 min to get a table, and another 20min to be served the first 3 dishes, followed by another 30min to be served the final 2 dishes. Ever brought OWY there before... really nice and cheap food, anyone interested?
Went to Kent Ridge park, one of the fiercest WWII battle grounds. The place was pretty quiet and the sea view was partially blocked by trees. Decided to go to West Coast Park and found out that the beaches were blocked by high fences. It seems that some reclaimation work is taking place. Disappointed that i couldnt get to enjoy the nice scenery.
I have a fren who is also a graduate from NUS. Last week, she asked me to drive her to campus cos she really miss the place so much. We had some small walks at the Forum and also the engin faculty. On the contrary, there is another fren who would ask me to avoid driving her to NUS, as the past memories would make her cry. Sigh. We all miss NUS life.
Now, i am feeling rather uneasy and a bit guilty for how i treated a friend (not well enough) today. Probably in the past, I would have driven him to where he wanna go, and accompany him for dinner if he requested for it. However, it clashed with my schedule for today and perhaps, my priority in life has changed too. Just sincerely wanna wish him well and hope he acheives the best of results from his hardwork.
My msn is still very active at this hr.... same as akaaa... not really in a mood to chat.
Friday, April 01, 2005
LookS
This evening, I decided to blog about my own looks, which is a topic which i seldom touch on, not to mention on my blog. I wudnt be surprised if anyone of you shld immediately sense fragments of Narcissism and Egoism in me.
Truthfully speaking, I have never ever thought i belong to the good looking category. Probably since young most relatives and family friends would praise on my brother's good looks (better looks than me) instead of focussing on me. I am already been soooo used to it.
Lately, there seem to be quite a number of ppl commenting on my looks. Firstly, my colleagues said that I look very tired, stressed and sickly. The above pic was taken a few minutes ago, and one could tell i am really getting very pale (although free from porkmarks and pimples). Do I really look very sickly these days?
On the brighter side, a handful of ppl have been saying that i resemble a certain chinese pop star every now and then. Although it was abt 2 yrs ago when my frens in NUS first started talking abt the resemblence, the topic kinda resurfaced in my life after dying down for abt a yr.
Firstly, it was Mr Lim who mentioned abt the resemblence when i went to his house the very first time for meditation. Next, its from a gal whom i met in Ven Kaizhao's Hu Fa camp. Then came a NYPBS gal who mentioned abt it at Dickson's house. Also, my colleagues are talking abt it practically everyday cos my company is now displaying some charity posters that bear this pop star's pic in it.....and finally, somebody's blog.
Instead of feeling flattered or happy, I kinda feel embarassed and paiseh about it. Firstly, I am not half as good looking as he is (so u wud expect some ppl to give me those puking faces when others told them abt the resemblence), and secondly, i am much older than he is. Thirdly, I look so sickly these days and fourthly, I dun like to be judged by looks.
But still, I admit that I do pay quite a bit of attention on my looks, but my key factors are always on neatness and pleasantness ie. Long untidy hair is a BIG NO for guys. As mentioned before in my blog, I sometimes dress up to make myself feel good and fresh (ie coloured hair + earings), instead of dressing up to impress. Believe it or not, but i know i am telling the truth.
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