Non Meaningful Post

Here I am again with my car business. The above are the 2 current members of my car family. I cant imagine within a short 30 month period, my family actually witness an in-out-in-out-in-out of 6 cars in total.

In early 2003, my family was still holding to a Nissan March and a Merc Benz. Sad to say, we couldnt afford the petrol-gulping merc and have to sell it after holding it for 8 yrs. My bro found the March too small, and he sold it away too.

We bought 2 korean cars - a Sonata and a Kia Rio, in exchange of the 2 cars. The sonata was even bigger than the prev Merc, but the 'feeling' was incomparable to the former. The Kia Rio seemed more like a toy car to me. Although suffering from a serious downgrade from a merc to a korean car, my dad still had problems paying the Sonata (cos its running on petrol!) and decided to early scrape it. My brother decided to upgrade once again.

We are now holding on to an Altis and Peugeot Partner. It jus occured to me that my family seems to be changing cars like changing clothes. Perhaps its in the blood, my dad, my bro and me myself all love automobiles a lot. But $$$$$... hahaha, we r jus empty shells.



2 evenings ago, I went back to NUS for an evening jog, while LHL was having his national day rally speech at UCC. I happened to walk past the engine canteen stalls while leaving Mac to the carpark, and decided to take a snap shot of my fave engin stall - Western Food. The malay food stall used to be my fave but ever since the vendor changed, the food sux. Oh yes, i found out all the 'good and solid' stalls at Arts canteen have been replaced by new stalls. .. why they dun keep the good ones huh? The wanton noodle stall was gone, my fave cheechungfun stall was gone... and the lousy malay food stall, fish ball noodle stall. . remain .. sighz.

Haha too much complains liao.... i am getting drained out, have no motivation to write meaningful stuffs, so pls bear with me.

Above Full Moon

Last evening, went out with birdtan, teddy and boss'-watching-songgechan to the esplanade to watch "Above Full Moon" - the Musical. As I am no longer a student, I wasa not entitled the $3 discount. :(

The performers of the show were great, as almost all of them could act + sing extremely well. Above Full Moon protrays the life of Master Hong Yi, a lengendary figure in modern history of chinese arts, culture and religion. The entire story was about his passion for art, and eventually the letting go of this passion and his family in search for his spiritual life.

Heard from birdtan that the organisers of this play is the same as the one i watched 4 yrs ago - Sidhharta - The Musical. I was a freshman then with BS Dajie hardselling the tickets for the show.

Inevitably, I tend to compare the 2 musicals, and I couldnt help but feel the latter paled much in comparison with the former. Firstly, the life story of the Buddha, to many (including myself), would be much more signficant and meaningful than the life of Master Hongyi. Secondly, the crew strength for Moon was probably only a fraction of the former, and hence, less grand and magnificent. The dances, music, songs and backdrops seemed to be less captivating this time. I remembered I was most impressed by the super efficient and fast transition of the backdrop then, but last nite, there seemed to be much commotions and delays in the changing of the backdrop.

Towards the end of the play, 'Master Hongyi' was reflecting on his life, the diff stages he had gone through and ppl he had met in his life over the past decades. Perhaps the play was only 2-hr, tats probably I couldnt feel 'much' abt the reflections he made, on how everything in life appears and disappears again like specks of dust in the air.

Nevertheless, I felt that the crew had staged up a wonderful performance, still much better than most of the other plays I have watched (will nv forget the rather horrible play staged up at UCC 2 yrs ago, on the life of the buddha). I was reading on some online advertisements.posters of the play, and was surprised that the make-up image of Master Hongyi I saw last night seemed very different from the one featured in the posters (as in the play in malaysia). Could they have tou kong jian liao after coming to singapore??? well...

Anyway, the spending of $30++ on this rather big-scale musical play is definitely worth it, especially when its done by a Buddhist Musical play group held in the grandest durian shell of singapore. What more can i ask?

Black Carnival

This morning, I was driving along tampines road when I spotted a black 'Carnival' in front of me. Within split seconds, I whipped out my camera phone to take some pictures of it, at the risk of getting my license suspended.

I still find the beige Carnival better looking than this black one. Anyway, I find all MPVs appealing except for Nissan Paerrie. I think the design sux big time.

Just returned back from a Buddhist musical play at the esplanade. No comment on the play at the moment, waiting for birdtan and his photos :D

Teacher or Engineer???

Yesterday, I took half day leave and went to Ministry of Education for teaching interview. Upon reaching MOE, I called and met up my god sister who took up PSC scholarship more than 10 yrs ago, and is now posted to HQ MOE for planning work after 2 yrs of teaching at TJC. A colleague of hers who was also a PSC scholar accompanied her to meet me. Together, they shared with me tips on the interview.

I was feeling rather paiseh as the 2 of them accompanied me throughout my wait outside the interview room. They kept telling me what to and what NOT to say, and I hope this did not demoralise the other nearby interviewees, who looked extremely nervously and tensed up. Probably this was their first interview.

As I feel the passion of teaching in me, I did not have much difficulty preparing myself for the interview. Its more of a dilemma whether I shld plunge into teaching so early, or give myself more time in the engineering field. But ultimately, I know it will be teaching/faciliating job that will give me a sense of fufilment and meaning in life. Its from my personal experience and reflections that my most meaningful and happy moments of life were those time when I got the chance to guide, facilitate and teach ppl. However, thats provided I must possess the knowledge or skills. But I feel I am pretty much an empty shell now.

I was contemplating whether I shld 'lie' and hard-sell myself that I will be a good teacher, or tell them the truth on how I feel and my passion. Afterall, we can lie to ourselves and others for once but not for life. However, the second option may just jeopardise my chance of getting the job.

To my disappointment, the interview turned out to be super simple and easy. They only asked very basic, standard and straight forward questions, in which I provided them with very standard and cliche answers too. There was no chance to impress them nor the need to lie and hard sell myself. It was more like the typical MOE system of asking the students what they ought or expected to know, rather than testing on their integrity, real interest and passion. They asked me " what are the qualities u think a teacher shld have, and what are those you have?" "what do you hope to see yourself as in 5-8 yrs' time?" The interview style is totally different from those you can find from the engineering firm, which really dig deep into your personal interest, passion and analytical skills.

Nevertheless, the interviwers at MOE were very nice and friendly. However, the admin lady was kinda rude as she reprimanded me for not bringing my original birth cert. I told her that birthcert is too important a document to bring around and I refused to bring it out. She could do nothing to me except giving me a black face, haha...and who cares?

Anyway, today my boss told me that he would be sending me for a series of courses, to be trained up as an ITE teacher. This is because my company does conduct regular NTC1/2/3 and ITE courses for students (mostly the company's junior workers). My boss hopes that I can be one of the teachers/trainers and this will not only improve my technical skills, but also allow me to earn extra income. The pay rate is $32/hr, 3hrs/week. Wooohooooo!!! Morever after the course, I would be a qualified ITE teacher.

So what more can I ask? Its like having the best of both worlds, that I can teach at the same time keep my job. I think I am really very lucky, provided my boss keeps his words.

Commencent Pic Again

How you find new car/

Introducing my new car, 'Carnival'. Finally i get the taste of my dream car... its so fat and nice, i love it!

Ricetable didi

I am wondering if the title of this entry is gonna once again, raise another excitment out of Teddy. He seems to be still fascinated with the Mozzarella business....

Well, have promised to treat Sumantri to a big meal after I get my first pay check. It has been overdued for almost 4 months. However, I learnt from my fellow colleagues that such scenario is pretty common. The first pay treat is often delayed up to a few months.

We made our way to the Ricetable at Suntec. The default set meal comprised 20 small dishes of a great variety of Indonesian food. Initially, I thought we couldnt finish them all (see the pic), but we ended up ordering additional 10 repeated dishes. I have to keep myself at max 90% full, so that my enjoyment of food would not turn into a self-torture. (Remembering Ven Robina's story on delicious-chocolate-cake-turned-disgusting)

The food was very delicious, nice ambience, interesting layout and innovative concepts. The individual dishes may not be very expensive food, but its definitely impossible for us to cook such a great variety at home. So the money is worth spending.



Sent sumantri back to NTU after the dinner and used his laptop for MSN. Had a hard + fun time trying trick Riki carlon to come over to sumantri's room using 'donuts'. When he finally made his way over, it took him about 1 minute before he discovered I was standing at the corner of the room. He had wanted to 'play' sumantri on how come he knew abt the donuts, but din realise he himself was actually fooled by us. Must have shocked the hell out of this boy which sent all of us into uncontrollable laughters.

Anyway, its term time for both NTU and NUS. Study hard everyone! And for those who are working like akaaa... may u find pleasure in your new job. And to Jane.... I am still abit blur on how u feel abt ur new job.. fill me the details soon :D

Kitten & Altis

The first picture was a kitten that refused to 'leave' my Partner today. I was taking pics at the UCC today with some BS friends when I returned to my car to find a pair of legs dangling from underneath my car. Initially, I thought it was a pair of frog's legs, but later found out it belonged to a kitten.

The kitten had hid in a hollow space found underneath my car, next to the exhaust pipe and slightly behind the rear wheels. However, it was definitely free from 'crushing' as there was a metal partition separating it from the wheel. I tried to use a stick to gently poke the kitten out but it refused. In the end, I have to 'drive' with it from UCC all the way to PGP for our 2nd round of photo shoots. After abt 2hrs, the kitten was still hiding soundly underneath my car. Although its considered quite safe for it to hide in that space, the only fear I have was that it might suddenly jump down from my car to the road, and got run over by another car. So i had no choice but to 'force' it out.

Fortunately, I have many gentle and animal-loving gal friends with me. They tried to coax the kitten out but in van. The more we tried to touch it, the deeper it went further in the hole. Finally, it put down one of its legs, and my friend took the opportunity to pull it out. It struggled badly and refused to leave, but eventually it gave up. The kitten was shivering in fear and we decided to leave it in a drain, away from moving vehicle. Hopefully, the kitten is able to survive on its own. *I dun really fancy animals/pets*

Introducing a new member to my family of cars - a black Toyota Altis (seen in the pic) which my brother just bought. I took a spin round my neighbourhood. Although its only a 1.6litre car, its obviously very huge in size and very comfortable to sit in. But it lacks the power as compared with the prev cars my dad had. Still, I find this car pretty luxurious and solid.

I will be going for MOE/NIE interview in a few days' time. I am not prepared... how? Hahaha

Right Thought - never abandon our gardens to the wild

Right Thought

Reality grows in the garden of the mind. Our world is the fruit of our thoughts that sprout from the seeds of ideas. We must therefore be discerning gardeners, looking carefully at what ideas we allow to take root within the mind. We must be able to recognize which ideas and thoughts are born of desire and which carry the seeds of desire that causes our suffering.

The seeds of suffering that take root within the mind are those of greed, ill-will, hostility, denigration, dominance, envy, jealousy, hypocrisy, fraud, obstinacy, presumption, conceit, arrogance, vanity and negligence. In Buddhism, these are known as the 15 defilements, and the Buddha realized 6 methods for removing such defilements from the mind:

1. Restraining:
Restrain from what pleases the senses but bears poison.

2. Using:
Use all that we are, all that we have, all there is to cultivate peace.

3. Tolerating:
Tolerate all adversity, and never abandon our gardens to the wild.

4. Avoiding:
Avoid all that is impure and spoils the soil of the mind. Tend only to what is pure and that which nurtures the pure.

5. Destroying:
Remove the defilements by destroying them from the root.

6. Developing:
Never cease to develop our skills of peacefulness.

2nd Noble Truth

Today, I decided to lock myself up in my office room for a 'silent retreat'. After some chantings, I proceed on to search for Dharma articles to read. And I put my focus on the 2nd noble truth, which comprises 3 types of desires/cravings, namely:

(1) Craving for sense-pleasure (感 官 享 受 的 渴 求)

(2) Craving for existence and becoming (生 存 的 渴 求)

(3) Craving for non-existence/getting rid of (不 再 生 存 的 渴 求)

These various cravings all lead to suffering and rebirth.

Weipin ever asked some venerables : There are so many articles out there for us to read, how do we select? The vens gave a v solid and power ans: There are 2 main types of buddhist articles. The first one is a written work by someone who wrote abt his/her own experiences and realisations. The 2nd one is by someone who merely consolidated, cut, copy and then paste what he agrees or feels strongly for, and then form up his 'own' article. The former and not the latter shld be embraced.

Similarly, I think its very important for us to experience the teachings and realise the truths ourselves (ehipassiko!), and not just merely get inspired or motivated by ppl's sharing of experiences. The former shld be able to support us for long in our self cultivation, while the latter may be jus temporal and fades away fast.

Anyway, I am guilty of the 2nd type of desire, the desire to 'become'. I almost forgot wat Ven Yuan Fan always taught us, on our weakness in always wanting to achieve something easy and fast.

I am in search of my next step to improve myself spiritually but systematically, anyone has any suggestions for me?

Perfect Understanding

Thanks Bean for the Perfect Understanding - she is full of wisdom, wow!

Anyway, its a situation which I have not been wanting to face all the while, at least not now. So certainly I cant face it for others too.... So I choose to escape - or perhaps the time has not ripen yet :D

Took this almost-out-dated pic from jadecraft (dun sue me for copyrights!)

I think my management sux! I have to handle 2 cases of disputes among my workers today, and I dun think I have fared well.

No mood to write further. Goodnite :D

Sym 'Pathetic' Joy

This morning, I took the lift down and walked towards my Partner feeling invigorated. Probably due to results of reading on mindfulness breathing followed up by a series of meditation done yday, I was glad that I was mindful on my breaths. Started the engine and turned on my sound system - playing Prajanparamitta, and there I drove off to work peacefully.

Everything went on well and I was already approaching the last traffic junction before reaching my workplace. As I was making a sharp left turn at the junction, a bicycle suddenly appeared from the left corner of my eye trying to cross the road. It was too abrupt for me to apply on my brakes but fortunately he did. From the backview mirror, I could see him cursing and swearing at me. I wouldnt say who was at fault, for its both green light for me and green man for him.

But I always thot cyclists should not behave and regard themselves like normal pedestrains when crossing the traffic light junctions. They are too fast moving and shldnt expect car drivers to halt in time for them, if they were to suddenly dash out onto the road. This incident kinda disturbed my peacefulness significantly. My morning became very heavy and unhappy. I knew I wudnt put this matter at heart for long, as it merely served as the key in opening up the door of disatisfaction and unpleasantness in me. Reason: I seriously lack practice.

Last evening, I also realised the importance of having mudita - sympathetic joy. I found that even within our circle of buddhist/spiritual friends, jealousy is still prevalent. Sometimes, when we see our friends in a better state or having better conditions & achievements than ourselves, we will tend to do/say things to bring them down, just to make ourselves feel better? I know some of you are not like that, but I am guilty of it sometimes, and I am very sure some of my friends around me ought to feel guilty of it too.

"When our friends found a better job than us, with higher pay and better job prospect, we shouldnt say things to shoot them or their jobs down out of our own jealousy."

"When we see our friends making efforts to acheive something which have not done so before, we shld applause for their courage and determination, and not discourage them from proceeding or gloat over whatever losses/sacrifices they may/have incurred."

Indeed, the mind can be easily poisoned. May I practice well, and may my spiritual friends constantly remind of the Dharma, and guide me along the way.

2nd Precept & Concentration

This morning, my dad asked me to search for him some chinese folk songs on the net which he needs for some performances. Easily, I found a website that provide me the mp3 files with all the songs he requested.

Itchy fingers, I decided to search for some chinese pop songs. To my disgust/surprise/excitement, I have no difficulty finding them! Even songs from Jay Chou's latest album which is barely a week old can be found on the site! And well, I was so tempted to download them for my listening pleasure, but wat a minute.. isnt that breaking of 2nd precepts? Hmmm.....

After watching the movie Spring...Spring again, the scenes and images of the film kept flashing on my mind during my meditation sittig on saturday evening. What Sayalay said was very right. She always forbid us from watching movies/tv (except news) as it weakens your concentration and disturbs your meditation. Watching films and meditation are like walking towards 2 different destinations which are of exactly opposite directions.

I also recalled some advices from Ven Manko (Fo Guang Yuan). She said sometimes she would lock herself up in her room to meditate for the entire day. This is to help her gain back her mindfulness, sharpness and concentration as whenever she goes out to attend some functions, celebrations or visits, the trees, flowers, colours and countless images she captured on her mind will weaken her mindfulness.

Today is a very hot and sunny afternoon, and I feel bright and chirpy within. I should be going out for a hot afternoon meditation :D


And here are the pictures I took just now. SL is extremely quiet and peaceful. The construction site was inactive this afternoon, and probably I had too high expectation for my sitting jus now, it din turn out to be good, just so so :D Anyway, a nice recharge.

Place with Positive Energy

This afternoon, I went to look for Riki aka kiki at Tanah Merah - the adobe of Ven Vissudhachara. I did not get to meet Ven himself, but managed to read an interesting article on mindfulness meditation. Meditated there for a while and could feel the very strong positive energy over there. Its indeed a very nice and peaceful place, and very easy to get myself into concentration.

The location of this place is pretty near Wan Fo Lin, which is used to be my favourite hideout before Poh Ern Sih. I suddenly recall something interesting that a BS snr has told me years ago. A well-learnt and wise buddhist master has pointed out the location where Wan Fo Lin is situated, as the place with the 'most positive energy' in the entire Singapore. He supported his claim by the colour of the air/sky/clouds (or something along this line) above that piece of land. It was believed then that a bodhisattva existed in Wan Fo Lin, and she was none other than a very old and senior nun residing in the temple. I have prostrated to her personally few yrs ago and I must say she really looks different.

Now I am not surprised that the area around Wan Fo Lin must have shared the same type of Positive Energy. Well... wats most impt is our own cultivation, but that place is definitely a nice support to our practice :D

Spring again...

I went to watch the movie "Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter... and Spring" last evening. I entered the cinema with very high expectation but left pretty disappointed - And thats not because the film wasnt great. Rather, its because I was unable to grasp the esscence and morale of the story on spot.

Ever since I took up Film & History, I was taught how to view films from a different angle - not just for entertainment & enjoyment, not just plain watching but also 'reading' and interpreting of films. Of course, there are still many pretty meaningless blockbuster movies that only aim at making money, but surely there are a handful of them which the directors have used to deliver wonderful messages to the world. There is definitely much more to this film, like the using of 5 diff animals for each seasons, opening of the doors for each new season, instead of just retundant guessing of relationships between the characters.

This film speaks a universal story about the human spirit, moving from innocence, through love and evil, to enlightenment and finally rebirth. Its almost like a pastoral poem about the changing seasons and a meditation on the cycle of life. In a tranquil setting of a temple floating on a lake in the forest, surrounded by endless mountains that cut the monastery off from worldly concerns, an old monk teaches his young disciple the wisdom of Buddha over the many seasons of their lives.

Despite the cutting off from the worldly desires, the young monk could not escape from the sufferings in life. The innocent cruelty in him was revealed as the child monk tortured the animals, oblivious of the sufferings he would be exgravating on himself eventually. In the intensity and lushness of summer, the monk is now a young man, experiences the power of lust, a desire that ultimately led him to dark deeds.

With winter, the monk returned as a middle-aged man, who diligently cultivate himself both physically and spiritually. Sitting on top of the mountains, he overlooks at his own monastry floating atop the lake, reflecting on his life and the endless repeating cycle of the seasons. Probably its after experiencing a whole cycle of joy, lust, anger and sorrow should the importance of seeking inner peace is realised - and the vow of never wanna be trapped in the Samsara world again.

In fact, 'winter' seems to be the hardest part of the movie to interpret, but that also makes the film most meaningful. Nobody can be very sure what messages or meanings the director is try to send over though.

Overall, i think the director has successfully portrayed the joy, anger, sorrow and pleasure of our lives through four seasons and through the life of a monk who lives in a temple on a lake surrounded only by nature. Its not a simple film, but I believe its surely meaningful and interesting to buddhists.

I have to be Mindful

Today, I felt a sense of emptiness in me as my colleague has been away for a long leave. Almost everyday, she will visit me in my office which is situated very far away from hers (which is in another building). I have complained to her last time that I was very sian in my office as my room was very much isolated from the others. Thats probably why she made a point to drop by my office almost everyday for small chats.

Other than that, we would often communicate through MSN during office hrs on almost every issues under the sky. About 20% of the stuffs we communicated on the net are relevant work related stuffs, while the remaining comprises mainly complaints, gossips and outside stuffs.

I din realise her presence has become part of my working life until today. I have to admit that her absence has kinda created this 'missing' or 'emptiness' feeling in me today, even right now. I know whats coming up next and I hope I am not falling into any love trap again.

But interestingly enough, some of our colleauges have been making fun of her abt me, but so far none of them dared to try it on me. The reception gals situated directly outside my room must have witnessed her coming in and out of my room very often, haha. Sometimes, I found ourselves so pathetic that she has to smuggle tow-hueys and sandwiches using big envelops into my room to avoid gossips.

Well, there are always both fun and sorrowful parts of working life. She definitely belongs to the former, but well, like what Ajahn Brahm said last nite, there is no ever-lasting concert, even the best performance has to end somehow.

Ajahn Brahm

This evening, I attended Ajahn Brahm's talk. I have excused myself from his talks for quite sometime as I found him repeating his contents very often. The very last one I attended shld be the one held at Suntec during the SARS period. Today, I decided to go, as I believe he must have accumulated much interesting and new stories to share.

True enough, his talk today was like 'brand new'. More importantly, the contents he covered today touched my heart. The questions raised by the audience were most relevant to me too. "How to deal with parting with ur dearest mum after she passes away?" and "How to deal with attachments to friendship". To me, the answers he gave were excellent.

Unfortunately, I havent recovered from my indigestion and my stomach was having some internal war within. I have to excuse myself as the cramps became unbearable. On the way out, I bought the ever 1st production book by Ajahn Brahm which comprises 108 short stories. It does burn a hole in my pocket but I bought it without much hesitation. Its an almost instant reaction that I want that book. It will be a good book to share and pass around with my friends, esp to those who are new or totally not in Buddhism. Afterall, how good and effective can we reproduce Ajahn's stories by repeating them to our friends? Its only by hearing from him themselves, or by reading these stories themselves, will they get those impacts.

Anyway, I am terribly sorry to Nale for neglecting her OPWC. I promise I will complete it fast and return u ASAP. And I will be re-engaging in my nightly reading again starting from tonight. My last semester was supposed to be the most stressful and busiest moment in my uni life. Thanks to my nightly reading of Dharma books in Sheares Hall, it has given me much peace and mindfulness to deal with the hectic semester with pretty good results :D

I wrote an entry abt my work today this evening, but there was server problem and that entry could not be published or saved. My colleagues have bought me farewell gifts (so fast!), will talk abt it more probably tmr.

Best Wishes

Its wednesday today, and it has been 2 weeks since Tree my smallbro has been away from home to myammar. I will be lying if I say I dun miss him, haha. Hopefully he is doing very well with his cultivation and is healthy & strong over there.

But what bogs me down slightly more the entire of today was something which I learnt from a jnr last evening. He has shared with me his personal problem which I couldnt help but feel sorry + worry for him. I thank him for his trust for me and sincerely wish him well & happy.

My boss treats me extremely well today. But thats not what I am seeking, hoping to achieved or have planned for. I do not wish to push ppl to their limits. Anyway, I applied for Singapore Prisons again last nite (finally they have cleared my previous application and allowed me to register again) and guess what, they called me during lunch today! Whezzzzz.........

Goodbye to my ComfortZone

I told my boss I wanna quit today.

It all started because of my new crop of golden hair. I didnt occur to me that he will be unhappy with it, until one of my female staffs told me abt the possibility. Upon asking him, I realise that what she said was true.

I have 100 over junior staffs under my charge, and more than 50% of them have coloured hair. I thought its good for young ppl to colour their hair, to show a more vibrant and youthful image. In fact, my hair dying days started during my JC days in TJC, when my chinese tutor encouraged me to go colour my hair. As a pychology major, she felt that young ppl shld dress and behave as young ppl, and she tok abt some pyschological impacts of outlooks which I din really get it.

However, my boss felt that having dyed hair is a bad and unhealthy image (lazy and uninterested feeling, he said). He also felt that esp as a snr executive in the company, I shld not possess such 'image' as I will scare away the ppl. And ppl who deals with our company will think we are a gangster company and feel intimdiated. Walaos, i think he is either from the 1970s or a 80 yr old trapped in a 30 yr old body. Even my parents have colourful hair manz.

As for me, I always dress up whatever I feel like doing so, be it putting on my ear ring, ear stud, colour my hair or watsover, as long as I do not look shockingly rude or offensive.

My boss has also wanted me to put a stop to all my technicians and staffs, and to strongly discourage them from colouring their hair. I feel thats ridiculous. There is no compromising in the end and I told him I have to leave the company. He did not stop me, haha :D

I know it sounds silly to quit my job jus because of a small issue. But this small issue can kinda attenuate or reflect to a larger picture - on the rigidness and inflexibility of the company. I feel that i need a more dynamic working place. Being a rather active student in NUS, I am definitely seeking for a more dynamic and active job. My current job may be well-paid and comfortable, but I guess i need a tougher training ground, and probably a more meaningful job.

Goodbye to my comfort zone.

*inspired by NUSBS fenny who took up a not-so-high pay but very meaningful job*

The Importance of Good Health

I was practically lying on my bed the entire of yday, feeling very terrible. I did a short reflection on the importance of having good health.

The problem of indigestion is not new to me. Ever since I had my operation in 1999 on intestinal complications, my stomach hasn been functioning well. Yday was a more severe case, as I was not only suffering from 'dancing stomach' & cramps, but also feeling very weak + severe headache + giddiness.

After seeing the doctor, I went back to my room, hoping to catch a good sleep. However, the moment i lie my head on the pillow, giddiness came creeping in and slowly it turned into headaches. I tried sitting up on my sofa but found myself too weak to pick up the magazines to read. I was wondering why I became so 'energyless' as if I have been drained out of all my strength and power. I also tried to 'meditate' by focussing on my breaths, hoping to get rid of the pains and giddiness, but my 'internal strength' was so weak that I lost counts very much faster than my usual sittings. Furthermore, any small amt of food intake (even one sip of water ) will cause my stomach to reject them and start giving me giddy spells + vommitings.

I was feeling quite helpless then as I have no energy to engage in any physical activities and yet lying down will only give me more headaches and giddiness. In the end, I have no choice but to gulp down 2 tablets of painkillers to make myself sleep. And there I slept from 11am to 4pm, and the 430 to 7pm, and 8pm till morning 7am. Finally I gain back my energy this morning and was able to make my way to work. My stomach is still dancing now and hopefully it doesn reject food when I go for lunch later. Quite interestingly, everytime i have indigestion, my stomach can go totally without food for about 2 days without feeling any hunger at all. Its only when the hunger pangs come running in, i know my stomach is ready for food. I hope to hear the pangs soon, haha.

I reflected and appreciated the importance of having good health. Many of us have been taking our good health for granted, as we are still young and healthy. Instead, we push our body to the limits by gorging on unhealthy foods, never exercise regularly and adopt the sleeping hrs of an owl. We din realise how immobilized or 'useless' we can be if were to lose our health one day. For instance, I was so weak and ill yday that I could not even pick up a book to read, surf the net or MEDITATE.

May all of us take good care of our health, eat healthy food, exercise regularly and adopt good sleeping habits.

Title-less

This evening I went out with my army buddies. I am glad that after ORDing for more than 4yrs, we are still closely in touch. We have switched our roles & relationships from fellow camp/bunk mates to fellow school mates in NUS (some in NTU) and now to fellow working class ppl.

In fact, I did not walk together with them the entire hardship days in the army. We may have suffered the initial stage of trainings and tekanings during our trainee days together, but subsequently, i 'left' them to and was posted out from the unit after a major operation. However, I am glad they have always included me in their 'list' of buddies, and have nv failed to count me in for any gatherings/outings. We had dinner at the suntec Vietnam restaurant. I must say the food there tastes much better than Thai Express. Its quite cheap also.

I spent the later part of the evening with nusbs jnrs, who were at Marina watching the fireworks. Its good that the jnrs are spending time together to enjoy the last bits of their sch holidays. Its definitely better than spending at home to stone or rot.

Was talking to Bean on our way home. We were talking abt doing what we want in life. From my army friends jus now, I learnt that many ppl have found v good job lobangs which include overseas opportunities. Furthermore, their pay are not too bad either. I couldnt help but feel jealous and also disatisfied with my current job. However upon reflection, I felt that the contentment and satisfication come from within. All these problems come when we start to compare ourselves with more and more ppl. Whats more impt is to find out what we want in life & what meaning we seek in life.

One of the army frens i went out with was a high flyer. He is a 7 dean lister and won the Lee Kuan Yew Gold Medal Award in his cohort, plus 2 other achievement medals. He had perfect grades for both his A and O levels, but did not take up any scholarships. Most astonishingly, he nv feels proud of his acheivements, and in fact, he is a pretty melancholic person who finds life very disatifactory.

As a buddhist, I am glad I have a pretty much guided life. Or at least, we are constantly reminded or taught whats impt and whats not impt, and what are the things worth pursuing and things not worth pursuing, in life.

NDP 2004 Preview

Last evening, I rushed down from work to NTU. I ate japanese food with sumantri at NTU which cost only $3. Although the quality and presentation was not as good as that sold in NUS arts canteen, the one in NTU is definitely value for money, as the quantity and taste are definitely there. Perhaps "Jia hua bu bi ye hua xiang" or "Wai guo de yue liang bi jiao yuan", I find NTU canteen drinks tasting nicer too (the honey dew milk and tea milk drink, yum yum).

Listened to Venerable Robina's talk at NIE. Although 50% of what she shared last night was repeated from her previous talks, I was still able to pick up new stuffs. In fact, her no-nonsense attitude kinda reminded me and made me feel guilty with my false, unwholesome and idling speech. After the talk, I went to Hall 11 and witnessed a late meeting by the NTUBS leaders on TBIC. Kind of reminded myself of the days I spent in NUSBS planning for BS activities. And thats precisely what made my uni life interesting.

This morning did meditation and puja with birdtan, mr chan, sumantri and myself. Riki carlon presiden is sick and joined us late, hopefully he takes good care of himself and sleeps more. Oh special thanks to birdtan for being so hospitable and welcoming, even though halfway in ur sleep you gave me a shock when u crossed ur legs over mine :S

This afternoon, was contemplating with smallbro Ong whether we shld attend the NDP 2004 preview. Both of us have extra tics and are not interested in NDPs. However, after reading from the news that ppl outside are selling the NDP Preview tics as high as $100 and actual NDP tics at $150, I decided not to waste the tics. In fact, I was only eyeing for the goodie bags which I have been redeeming almost every year over the past decade. Initially, I was afraid that the officer may not allowed me to redeem more than 1 bag although i have more than 1 tics with me, but we later found out there is NO LIMIT to the number of goodie bags we can take. The only limit lies in our own ability/capability to carry them.

The design of this yr's bag is really cool and nice, although the stuffs inside were still bad. The best goodie packs shld be the one in 1994, which include 2 medium KFC iced cola, binoculars, red towels with NDP 1994 printed, and many other interesting stuffs. The quality and quantity have been decling ever since.

I am terribly sorry to smallbro Ong for making him walk all the way from the stadium to aljunied MRT as I couldnt find the small eatery that I wanted to bring him too. Anyway, the NDP program this yr was not bad, but the marshal sux. We have to helped small kids and aunties climbed over fences and drains, as there was no clear & broad paths for us to walk to the MRT. Instead, we have mud paths, fences blocking us here and there, and a small miserable bridge that has to take 40,000++ ppl over the road.

Enough said, I thot NDP preview shld have less ppl, but i was wrong. I will not even consider going for the actual NDP liao..

Prisons

Today was a very shag day, not becos of work, but becos of the volunteering work for PKS and Shan You.

Upon request by Peifen, I decided to make my trip down to Toa Payoh North to help transport 'some shoes' from a factory to another warehouse at Queenstown. I thought my van could be of some significant help, but upon reaching there, I realised they have at least 400 boxes (see above) of shoes to transport. In fact, there were already 3 big lorries awaiting to transport the shoes. Altogether there were around 7 of us doing the labour job.

The entire process of carrying the boxes down from the factory to the loading bay was shag enough, not mention loading them up to the lorries. Unfortunately, it rained heavily and the lorries were without shelthers. In the end, I have to drive my van to PKS to get some canvass sheets. And we ended up using my mini van to transport 3 boxes of shoes + 6 heavy metallic trolleys. My entire van was fully stuffed, and am glad the van was not 'wasted' afterall.

The unloading process was just as tiring, especially the building was an abandoned warehouse without electricty :s We have to use candlelights.

The helpers who were present were all middle aged guys. Its only after some chats that I realised they were from the Buddhist Lighthouse, which means most of them are ex-convicts. I really feel very happy for them, as they have made their life meaningful by doing volunteering work after their jail term, sadhu!

I always thot I have strong karmic links with the prisons, but touch woood, i dun mean i wanna be an immate, but I really hope I can work in the prisons one day. Too bad, the Singapore Prisons have rejected my application.... perhaps i shld wait for the next round.

More Convo Pics

The first pic was one of the two pics taken by the professional photographers at the commencement ceremony. I paid for them and they were sent to me yday. Personally, I am quite pleased with the photos, esp the shot was snapped at the moment I looked into the camera (there was no time for us to pause there and pose for the camera).

The 2nd pic was taken after the commencement with Vincent, Weigan and Yinsoo. Its a very special photo to me, as the 4 of us used to hang around at Hai Yin (Sagaramudra) Buddhist Society very often 2 yrs ago. Vincent is always active there, while Weigan is getting even more active than vincent over the past year. Yinsoo has since been cultivating seriously in Tibetan Buddhism while I am the only slacker left behind, doing nothing much. Nvtheless, this grp of buddies has really helped me quite a lot in the early stage of my buddhism practice. Sincerely grateful to them.

Just learnt that one of my jnr was feeling disappointed with his friends from BS. Expectation leading to disappointment is one thing, but this incident also kinda describes the ugly human nature - selfishness. Hope my jnr wun be disheartened and learn to live with it. A phrase which is overly used but still meaningful : life not a bed of roses. Not everyone out there is always kind, sincere and helpful. But tats only one side of the coin (robi-nale!), learn to view things from all angles and directions.

Oh yes, my smallbro tree has been away for one weak. Having an extremely weak stomach + falling sick very easily, I hope he is doing fine and strong over at Myammar. Really dun wish to see him coming back with skin + bones - flesh.

Akaa... bishan some orang jump train mati la.... not terrorists.

Small Gathering

This evening I have a gathering with the 24th MC. There were 10 of us, having dinner at the pay-as-you-like high class Indian restaurant at Excelsior Hotel. I wasnt exactly please with the service, as the ppl who serve there seem to have this impression that we are abusing the 'pay as u like' ruling by ordering lots of food and paying very little.

I dun like to take advantage of ppl, and I always pay at least $10 in the past. Today, i decided to withdraw $2 for their rather rude attitude, haha. Talk abt graciousness and being forgiving....

Oh yes, congratulation to dear Jane for having found her job as a software engineer! Congrats manz..waiting for ur first pay okie? For those other friends who havent found your job, dun worry, your chance will come, dun be too pessimistic and choosy.

And YES! Finally i can speak my mind all over again without fearing ppl laugh at me for being BHB or egoistic. Mabbe i am really ego and BHB. Guess what, I used to think that those typical boy-chase-gal-chase-boy stuffs will end in my NUS life after stepping out into the society, but I am wrong. For a number of times, I received 'free' bkfast like tuna sandwiches and tow huey desserts sent all the way to my office room by a couple of office gals. It kinda swell up my ego and I actually do enjoy such attention while my colleagues dunt, but then, so what?

A theory by some bs gals: The average and not-so-good looking guys always get the most attention from gals, becos most of the time they dare not pin hope on those very oustanding guys.

i am jus an ordinary and non-outstanding guy, but sorry for being overly ego still :p

Tahan

Things havent been going on smoothly at work for yday and this morning. Cant precisely fish out any major or significant problem, but the air of unpleasantness and dissatisfaction is hanging around.

Indeed, what Ven Yuan Fan said was right. We always hope and expect everything to go on smoothy without any problem, which is impossible. And when problems arise or things turn out not in line with our expectations, we experience the negative feelings, which is often unbearable.

My work often gives me lotsa unpleasant encounters, as I need to deal with a large number of different ppl everyday. I see this as a learning ground, and I hope I can tahan for long.

My Apologies

Sorry friends out there, I am not trying to attract attention or create a mountain over a molehill, but I see a need to migrate my blog over to this URL. This is because I realised with horror that someone has already 'invaded' into my blog, and I seriously do not wish to let this person find out more about me. I guess most of my nusbs friends will be able to guess who this person is. And A MILLION THANKS to the person who leaked it out.

Anyway, the change of my URL is not necc a bad thing. Over the months, I have been feeling the resistance to pen down my feelings and thoughts in my blog. With a larger readership (nothing to be proud fo though), I am facing more 'restrictions' to the contents I can fill my blog up with. Of cos i dun mind my close friends from both engin and bs to read my entries, but at least they must be ppl i know, not ppl i duno.

Having changed my URL, i will inform these friends my URL. At least I can effectively filter out those who have been reading my blog but oblivious to me. Hopefully with the change of URL, i can once again start to pour out my feelings openly....

Sunday Nite is the Nite, Feeling alright!

Sunday night again. I used to dread sunday nites during my pri/sec school days, as the next day will be school again. Especially for morning session classes, I have to wake up as early as 6am every sch days.

When I was in the army, my sunday nights were mostly spent in the army camp! During my BMT days, I wud have reported at the commando jetty by 7-8pm, and reached Pulau Tekong around 8 plus. In Sispec, I need to book in as early as 6pm!!! cos i failed to meet the physical fitness level then. And towards the end of the army, I normally reached back camp at 11plus on sunday nites.

In NUS, sunday nights become not so significant. In fact, weekends were nv much difference from normal school days, as everyday seems to be the same, a mixture of work + play.

Working life? Sunday nite sux manz, cos the next morning will be experiencing monday blues... hahaha.

Quite a crappy entry this evening, hope u ppl dun mind. But i really have nothing to write about this evening, no reflections, nothing.....

希望明天会更好！

Carlon Presiden

From this to this !

No no..... Riki is not to be mistakened as a BMT recruit. Probably this is just an 'official' hairstyle for NTUBS guys? In line with Kean Yap, Kin Song, Teddy, Sumantri (soon-to-be), perhaps guys from NUSBS shld consider this economical and hassle-free hairstyle.

The talk last evening at DBS auditorium by Ven Robina was superbly good. I dun think I will attemp summarising or jotting down anything from the talk on my blog, as it will do terribly injustice to what she shared with us last night. Like what Bro Sebastian had earlier said: Whatever you have picked up and absorbed shld stay in your mind, showing you have already appreciated them. You should not jot them down on note books as u most probably will leave them aside after sometime. Well, I cant say I agree with him totally, but it seems to make sense to me now.

Oh yea thanks to all my frens who have showed concern for me. The car accident battle shld be over soon. And NOPE, i have decided not to press on and let that guy claim whatever he likes. He will pay back using his own karma, I just wanna move on with life and settle more impt stuffs.

***anyway, i have already sold my sonata, so whatever insurance penalty i dun have to pay next yr, hahahahahahaha***

Angel Vs Devil 2

This morning, my car insurance agentcalled me, informing me to expect a court case soon. The other party which has gotten me into the car accident during last christmas has refused to give up claiming from me. Its kinda spoilt my day.....

Devil speaking:

Hey Gordon, you are so suay and unfortunate. You were happily driving along at Orchard with your friend. You were stuck in a jam and your car was stationary when a cuckoo from your left suddenly came knocking into you car. Instead of apolosing to you, he cursed and swear you on the spot.

Although his insurance agent did compensate you a meagre sum of $260 (hardly enough for the repair costs), he himself wanted to claim from you a whopping sum of $2000++, which include his legal fees in employing a lawyer.

I am sure you werent at fault, if not you shld be feeling very guilty now for denying an offence you have committed. But the other party seemed to be aruging very well, with all the evidences favouring him. Even ur insurance agent said that the chances of you winning over him is jus 50% or even less... And worse, your so called very good fren said he is v scared and is hesistant to come forward to be your witness..

Dear Gordon, cant u feel the anguish and anger, that the other party who rammed into you has not only caused you so much trouble, pains, worries but is going to make pay $$$. Simply no justice in this world? Are u going to give up and just let him go away scot free? Dun u think u shld follow him, exaggerate + substantiate your own statements to support ur own evidence?


Angel Speaking:

Dear Gordon, why are you so worried when your conscience is clear? Arent you wasting much time speculating and re-collecting the past incidents? No matter how much and hard you think, you are not going to re-write the past.

So what if he managed to win the case and make you pay? Is that small amt of money worth the karmic debt he would be incurring?

Isnt this a good chance for your to clear/purify away your bad karma?

Just keep your conscience clear, stay happy, spend more time and energy on useful stuffs. Things around us happen so fast that they become like illusions.

Dhammacakkappavattana - Wheel Turning Day!

Its Dhammacakkappavattana today, also known as the Wheel Turning Day! So rightfully speaking, we are supposed to do many good deeds today so that our merits will be multiplied million times. But we also know that its a wrong intention.

Well, I have to clarify that the volunteering of transporting the Dharma books from ABC/BF to NUS today was strictly coincidental. However, I am glad that were a few others who were present this evening to peform and share this meritorious deed.

Sadhu to the future NUSBS leaders (The 2 'W's - Wilsanto and Weiguang) as featured in the pictures above! Sadhu to Katrine and Wenyan too! May the Dharma books we brought back today benefit the campus community, and may those who have read and gained from these Dharma books, further pass them around and share whatever they have learnt to the ppl around them. May the merits be shared with everyone.

Let us anticipate for a chinese-speaking-ananda soon! akaaa, u can do it!

Ven Robina Rocks

I hope I havent been sounding like a weakling, being very indecisive and drowning myself in self-pity. But I know for sure I am not. I am just being responsible and careful.

This evening, I went to listen to Ven Robina's talk at DBS building. She spoke very fast, but definitely not just nonsensical blabberings. She was simply sharp and quick witted. I thought the questions asked during the Q&A session were fantastic too, of cos each of them paired up with fantastic answers by ven. I really picked up several useful tips tonite, esp the talk was on Compassion and Wisdom.

Just like what Ven Yuan Fan love to stress abt, we all do not like to encounter problems and often wish to see everyone well & happy. And when we fail to remove the the sufferings of ppl around us, we tend to get ourselves depress and upset too. Ven Robina advised us that sometimes, we do need to give others a chance to experience sufferings, and also an opportunity for them to purify their own bad karma. Its afterall their own karma that they have to bear, so why must we go against it? Ven Robina also reminded us that we have to take care of ourselves first (or watch ourselves), before we wanna work on others. She said something like this:

"Stop giving them advices, lectures & getting urself upset when u cant help them .... just be there".

The above are just some of the useful pointers I have picked up this evening, which i will not be surprised if they were to sound cliche to other ppl. Similarly, there shld be many other points that others might have picked up and found useful which I didnt feel so.

Dana - Finally, I can offer dana openly and relaxingly. In the past, I actually thot I am a very stingy person this life, becos i always have reservations when it comes to donation. But i found out thats becos I have been using my parents' money and I feel guilty about it. Now I am making my own money, I find myself often very willing to part with my cash (of cos i m refering to small amts lah. Thats a great relief, cos I fear I have been a miser for many lives. I am glad that I have been experiencing very good life for the first 20 yrs of my age, must be lots of dana and good merits accumulated from past life eh? HAHAHA. Lets hope I can continue doing so this life.

Oh dear bsl, wondering if you will get the chance to read my entry before u fly off. Sincerely wish u all the best in ur 3 weeks' cultivation. Pls come back as an upgraded person, so that u will be able to effectively benefit many more in the future. Sadhu!

Torn between choices

I am feeling pretty rotten today, having torn between 2 choices. Thats all because I am in the position to make a decision, that concerns a large community. Or perhaps I am thinking too much of the consequences of either choices that complicate up the matter?

Well, I think I have no choice. Its something that I could not share outwardly to any tom dick and harry out there, not even my own parents. And yet I am a just an ordinary person with limited experiences and wisdom, that I couldnt handle everything myself single-handedly. I need advices and comments.

But having too many different comments and advices tends to complicate the matter further. Thats why I was torn between the 2 choices. One snr is asking me to put a stop to whatever I am doing now and to leave everything to her and her teacher. Another snr is encouraging me to stand out and confront the matter courageously, for the sake of the community at large. At the same time, the emotional side of me is stopping myself from doing so, because I do not wish to see someone 'destroyed' just because of my doing, even though it may be rightful for me to do so.

I am just too selfish that I do not wish to bear such consequences, plus I do not wish to jeopardise many others of learning chances in future camps/retreats or creating possibilities of tarnishing the reputation of a school. And so what are the downsides of not reporting the matter? I will only see someone walking towards the fire and yet not stopping him, or probably sabotage many others along into the fire. I do not wish to see someone being reborn into an animal, or in even lower realms. I tell myself I need to stop the wrong doings.

Analogy1: If your kid was caught stealing in sch, would you rather the teacher call you up and inform you first, or would you prefer the teacher to hand your child directly to the police? So am i supposed to report the matter directly to the higher authority or am I supposed to do it discreetly to the teacher concerned first?

Analogy2: If you catch a theif outside, are you going to hand him directly to the police or wait to call the theif's parents before deciding? And pls, the person concerned is no longer a kid ok?

Still, its a dilemma for me, despite numerous long phone calls of discussions with my seniors. A jnr kind of reprimanded me for complicating up the matter, and warned me about 'musavada'. Frankly speaking, I am very afraid of breaking the 4th precepts in the process of re-reporting the matter over and over again to those few snrs. As we discuss more, we tend to get more biase against the matter, and hence, whatever I could 'recall' and 'recollect' may not be as accurate as before :(

At first I though it only concerns me, a couple of snrs and jnrs. Now it seems that some "fen yong zhi tu" are trying hard to fight for the case, not just for me but for the sake and well-being of the buddhist community. I appreciate their good intention but i still feel its not right.

Why does the decision lies in me? Someone pls decide for me.

My Head is Spinning

This evening was the last time I could spin round the city in my Sonata. After parking it properly at the parking lot, I feel the reluctance in me to turn off the headlamps, radio and switching off of the engine. The sonata will be sent for scrape tmr, and while looking at this piece of beautiful white metal, I feel sad that its going to 'die' prematurely at the age of 5. Bad economy. My dad has changed at least 6-7 cars in my memory, and I have nv felt this type of sadness in me before. Probably everytime I part with an old car, I would be looking forward to travel in the new car replacement. This time round, there will not be any replacement for this Sonata... end of driving life for my dad.

This aftn joined NUSBSA in their outing at East Coast Park. Rode the bicyle and took the above pic at bedok jetty. I know some of u think i am very vain, i dun deny this fact but i thot there are many more worse than me, haha. The other pic is smallbro Ong, we had a v huge Murtabak at bugis last nite... dun u think he looks good in this photo?

After ECP, I visited Dr Ang at her house with Siew Ching. I guess the 'secret' i talked abt in my blog has kinda become an open secret, or at least its no longer a secret among my fellow bloggers/blog friends, esp those from NTU. I have approached a NUSBS snr for help, whom she has consulted Dr Ang for advice. But we were shocked that Dr Ang did not keep the case a secret although we appreciate her good intentions. Although names were not mentioned, it will kinda make things worse as more speculations will take place which I dun really like. I wudnt mind telling ppl the details, if not of protecting the reputation of the Sangha.

However, Dr Ang has successfully convinced me the importance and need of sharing the incident to people, esp those in the buddhist student community. So hey ppl out there who have received email abt a case whereby a Sangha misbehaved, the victim is me me me !!!!! So stop all the guesses liaos, and i really dun mind letting ppl know its me!

Thats what I have for tonite.....

Oh yeah, Riki Rawks!

Rotten Luck

 
This pic was taken this evening at SRC together with my dear NUSBS friends. Thanks to sweeting for organising this session, and thanks for all those who turned up, esp those who double up as photographers. Sincerely thankful for this memorable afternoon, even though 85% of my pic ended up disastorously due to wrong setting of my digi cam :(  Can say wat a waste of effort and time :(
 
Just now when driving also took many wrong turns and detours... wats wrong today?
 
Went home and receive a lawyer letter. This time its not directed to my dad but to me. Met a car accident last december and the other party is claiming against me. Its more than 2K worth of money... sighz.  For goodness sake, I can swear with my head off that he was in the wrong, but am i going to let him go scot-free and succeed in claiming against me? How can I make myself feel justifiable abt his claim? By convincing myself he will be answerable for his own karma??
 
Well even more rotten luck the previous nite. Had an extremely heated arguement with my parents over family matters. Communication seems to have broken down tremendously lately, not just between me and them, but among they themselves.
 
I could not tahan anymore and drove off to find sumantri and riki and hall 10. Sincerely grateful to them for spending the night chatting with me. Hall 11 is really a very nice place, or issit becos of the deco of Sumantri/Kean Yap's room? Orangy lamps shining on the 3 buddha statues, with meditation mets laid in front like a mini meditation hall. The next morning (this morning), did morning puja and meditation with Riki, it was a nice feeling.
 
After which we drove off to Canteen A for Mc Donald's bkfast. See the changing faces of riki !
 

Round and Round Again.

On my right is Riki - dun ask me why he look so sleepy. On my left is sumantri didi (or better known by Teddy as Mozzarella didi). This pic reminds me of how time flies.

Sumantri will be yr4 when sch reopens. Remembered he was still yr1 (like riki now) when I first visited him in Hall 10. He was the youngest around (like riki now). He was diligently preparing for his dynamic paper with his hall mate Effendi. Effendi had many cans of beer under his bed and he offered me one. He used to work at the beer company.

After which, sumantri moved to hall 11, another hall which looks almost the same as his previous one, except that parking lots were easilt available nearby. He had a hallmate who seldom return to the room and nv stayed overnight. Hence, it was like a single-double room for sumantri.

Then there came the happy time when sumantri excitedly moved over to hall 2. He loved to call it hall 1+1, with the intention of making fun of how miserable hall 11 is compared to his then present hall2. There is an attached bathroom to his hall and he was staying together with 3 other Ace-hallers. He was extremely pleased with his room but he soon got himself 'crippled' over a basketball game :s Had a hard time moving in/out of his room for meals etc.

Now, sumantri is back to hall 11. Haha, thats how sometimes we are being made fun by fate. But I guess he shld be enjoying himself much with several of his spiritual friends from NTUBS staying together at hall 11.

Sometimes I really dun believe time passes so fast. Everyday, I have many diff tasks and work to accomplish, and I look foward to knock off timing. Knock off timing always seem to come very fast though, but so wat? Am I going to live everyday like that till the age of 30, 40 or 50?

Unlike my uni days which I could make everyday meaningful, working life is going to get more meaningless if it carries on like this....

Getting Skeptical

Made my way to attend the Dharma talk just now, thanks to smallbro Ong for informing me abt it. I really appreciate the effort and recognise it as a form of spiritual support.

The talk was given by Ajahn Sujato, a teacher whom i have never heard or met before. I find the talk pretty light heartening, esp with Ajahn very humerous and jovious. However, I was a bit worried for some NUSBS newbies as many pali terms were used jus now. Hope that they will not be turned off by their first few Dharma talks. Nvtheless, the Q&A session was fun and easy to understand. I am glad that I did pick up some useful pointers from the short talk.

However, I have to constantly remind myself not to get too skeptical and judgemental towards the sangha community. There's this fear within me that I will, esp when those following the bodhisattva paths are not even supposed to harbour ill or unwholesome thoughts for the sangha.

Sometimes, u'll nv know immediately how impactful some incidents are to u, but they only surface when u get to encounter something similar as the days go by. I hope my judgemental attitude towards the sangha will cease soon... its jus going to disrupt and disturb my cultivation.

Trust

I always thought that I dun easily trust ppl, tats becos i think i am smart & sensitive, but I guess I am wrong. I can be easily shakened, thats why I sometimes obliviously fall into ppl's traps.

There were 3 NUSBS snrs and 2 other friends during the discussions. Despite the evidence they have gathered, supported with very logical and strong analysis, I still harbour that little trust element in that accused. Oh now, am i getting too emotional that i fail to judge things rationally?

We often feel that we are in the worst situation, only to realise others may be in a worse situation than ours. My friend thought my predicament is jialat enough, but my other friend had an even much more jialat encounter. Just now, I listened in disbelieve. But I still refuse to let go of my trust for that accused completely ....

As compared with my snrs and friends, i m much weaker in dealing such situations without entangling myself with emotions. But dun get me wrong, i am not emotional now, but i just cant work things out rationally. I wonder whether its becos of my trust for ppl, or am i just bothering too much with ppl's feelings.

Once again, I am reminded of the great importance in self cultivation. The awareness and self-reflections. It doesn make a difference if we have a shaved head or are in the robes... but it makes a difference if we have a kind heart and pure mind - free from greed, hatred and delusions.

Graduation Photos .....

Today was more like a photo taking session than my commencement. The joy I had today came from meeting so many of my course mates and BS juniors, instead of going upstage to collect the scroll from the v. chancellor.

Sincerely very grateful to all my dear BS friends who came down purposely just to support the few of us. Really nv expect such a huge turn out today :D There are simply too many photos for me to upload here, so kinda picked a few. Alternatively, you may wish to visit the following website and select the 'slide show' option. No guarantee that it works though :D

PHOTOS UPDATED
Oh yea, thanks to smallbro ong for the effort to get me the spiderman2 tics, and the papaya from smallbro wong.

Commencement Commencing Soon...

My 'Big Day' will be approaching in a few hours' time. Am I supposed to sleep early so that I will look better in photo takings tmr? Since its such a 'big day', shldnt I be feeling very excited and happy?

The answer is a BIG "NO". Initially i thot the date is still far away, thats why i din have the excited feeling. But now, the ceremony is jus few hrs away, and i am feeling even more sian with it. I do know of some friends who are very excited over their commencement, as they see it as the 'Final Day' of their education life. "I have waited for today for so long, finally its here!"

I forced myself to make some reflections why I am not feeling great abt the graduation ceremony. I guess I have the answer. While others see graduation as the final product of their education and value it greatly, I see the process of learning and experiencing throughout the 4 yrs as much more meaningful and valuable than the end product, which is my honours degree. I have enjoyed myself much for the past four yrs, so there is actually nothing great for me to anticipate or wait for after the 4yrs. Whatever I have taken with me have been taken, the commencement is more of a 'ritual' or 'custom' that i am taking tmr.

While many of my friend have been inviting their friends and jnrs for photo takings after the ceremony, I did not send out a single proper invitation. Of cos i would be more than happy if my jnrs will come take photos with me, and in my heart i am hoping they will take the initiative to do so, but I doubt so. Anyway no expectation... i admit i am just plain sian and too lazy to send out invitations.

Oh yes, just now i was at Sentosa attending NTUBS FOC finale night. Its not the first time i attended their activities, but its the first Camp Nirvana that I went. Too bad the NUSBS jnrs missed out the fun as they left early, the singing session was indeed very heart warming, as it effectively gel up the society. I guess thats the NTUBS style, no hard energetic hard rocking dance steps, but light and simple swaying motions... its nice, really nice... i have to take my hat off for weipin for joining CNS2004. I think we have some similarities - we really like to try out, participate and get involved in different new things instead of just staying at one old place/grp. Its parallel to my mentality and wish of getting exposed to different teachings of buddhism.

Hahaha, the wayang commencement will be approaching soon, and it shld be over soon ... lets move on with life and look forward to new challenges, yeah!

Kitten aka Ji Deng aka Auspicious Lamp

I was feeling blissful this evening until my dad came to tell me something which erased away all those nice feelings. Once again, he needs to use my van for both this weekend and next, which means I cannot use it for both my convo photo taking sessions which take place this weekend and the next.

Anyway, lets get back to the blissful feeling I had earlier on. Its came so strangely that I cant understand myself either. I feel happy that my dear friend, my smallbro zeathereal is able to fufil his wish once again. Its just a happy feeling within me that one of my spiritual friends has once again going to take a major step forward in life for his cultivation. Is this call mudita?

I have to admit i used to get jealous when I see many of my friends having the chance to attend retreats, but I cant. The idea of 'self' was so strong that I asked myself: Shldnt I feel happy for other ppl's acheivements? I know it sounds too noble to be true, but its something i get to appreciate lately. We are joyous to learn the Dharma taught by the buddha, we are not jealous of him. Similarly, we shld be joyous with our friends' achievements.

This evening, went with bean, zea and Owy to watch Xiao Gang's concert. Dun ask me where I get those tics, but my dad always have some lobangs in getting concert tics and annual NDP tics. The concert started off very boring, but it got better towards the end. Still, I feel that it didnt appear like a 'yan chang hui' but more like a 'ge chang hui'. Its either Xiao Gang doesn have good stage performance or I am really not into concerts :P

Tmr have to work, and smallbro zea is pushing me to sleep :D

Spring Chicken

This morning, I woke up and was tainted with a bit of disappointments - due to some unwholesome expectations. After i reached my office, I received bad news abt my friend, which plunge me deeper into the depression. Oh well, nothing happens to me personally but to my friend instead, and i cant help feeling disappointed and sad like him. Perhaps sadness can really spread?

This morning, I received a SOS call from my staff that a taxi driver was creating a sin at the customer service counter. I promptly made my way to meet him, and was immediately 'greeted' by his nasty hurlings of unpleasant words. I invited him to my office to cool him down but in vain. All my prev tricks did not work on this driver, as he got even more unreasonable.

I later learnt that he has already scolded one of my technician, who was in charged of servicing his vehicle. This driver complained that we did not do the neccesary jobs for him, which in fact we have done so. In the end, he left an angry man after he failed to meet my CEO, who is always away anyway. My technician felt he was wrongly accused, as he has already put in extra effort to take care of this driver's unreasonable demand. This time, i have to side my technician as i really found this driver too much.

Unfortunately, my manager wasnt supportive of my actions to report the driver to the taxi company. He felt i shld just close one eye and let the matter rest. My technician too, felt very paiseh for having to trouble me all the way from my office to attend to this problem. But i told myself : i am not emotionally affected by the driver, but i feel things are just not right!

Haha.... somehow quite unexpectedly, we receive a hamper in the late afternoon, together with a card saying SORRY. Its from the driver!!! I duno what made him change his mind so fast... he must have a miserable time after scolding ppl. When i brought the hamper to my technician (the typical ah beng), i could see tears welling in his eyes man. .i really mean it! I think thats the power of human touch..

Anyway, Ananda shared with me something very wonderful just now. Even though I have read the story of the Life of the Buddha many times, and I believe that theres always something to learn from the story, Ananda told me something which i have not come across. Thanks Ananda! Think u give wonderful Dharma talks!

Oh yes, there is a latest entry to my list of ppl calling me bigbro. This gal smsed me to ask if she can call me bigbro like what others do. My ans is "Of cos, why not?". Guess who is she? She is none other than my smallbros' fave gal, Joan.

HAHAHAAA

More Birthday Wishes

Just came back from a small supper session with wilsanto, bean and her friend, oppps. .i forgot his name, oh no. I love meeting ppl who are interested in Buddhism.

Every yr, I would receive bday wishes from friends, but the number of wishes today seemed to be exceptionally high today. Apart from the usual MSN msg, ICQ msg and typical ICQ E-card (which of cos i appreciate too!), I received quite an alarming number of bday wishes via the SMSes. They are as follows (arranged according to time received):

1) Juing Young - an army camp mate who msg me 1 day before my bday
2) Sukandar - who sent me on the dot at 0000hrs as usual
3) Smallbro Ong - who cant even spell my name correctly
4) Smallbro WOng - should I say I was the one who msg him 1st?
5) Xingyi - my fellow nusbs foc2000 mate
6) Jane - my dear friend from engin
7) Jiahui - nusbs junior
8) Jingxian - a fellow lecture mate, quite unexpected though
9) Somebody who's hp number i cant recognise
10) The 2nd hp number which I cant recognise
11) Wilsanto - nusbs junior aka adik
12) Dad - my own father la!
13) Lena - with her meaningful well wishes
14) The 3rd hp number which i cant recognise
15) Riki - ntubs adik whose bday wishes came together with a request for a treat from me :D
16) William - my pri sch classmate! quite unexpected also
17) Jaisey - a superb christian fren who helped out in foc2001
18) Maywei - a lecture mate since yr1 to 4

Sincerely apologising to those 3 ppl whose hp number I couldnt recognise. Limin are u one of them? My storage bank has been used up. Really appreciate the effort put in to key in the msgs on ur hp and sent them over. Of cos the same goes to my many other friends who bother to MSN and ICQ me bday wishes...

More guilty is the fact that shifu called me all the way from malaysia, just to wish me Happy Birthday. Do you think i deserve to be whacked?

Anyway, was chatting with Joan online this morning, someone whom my smallbros weiyang and siling have pretty good impression of. Once again, she displayed her magnimous side by advising me to forgive and forget abt the friend i commented negatively on regarding MLM. Like wat the smallbros said, she is a nice and good gal, no wonder they appreciate her so much :D

Birthday Celebration

On the eve of my birthday, I met up with gillian aka bean, and the 2 smallbros for dinner at Suntec Marche`. They bought me the bag (see above) and prior to that, they have been asking me whether i prefer blue or yellow. Definitely I prefer yellow, but it depends on what type of thing. For instance, i cant possibly have a yellow car or wear yellow shoes huh? haha.. anyway grateful to them for the bag and efforts. I have always wanted to buy a deuter bag but nv bear to part with the money in my wallet. Spending on food is another issue though :D

This afternoon, I told my colleagues I wanted to treat them lunch, but ended up they found out its my bday and treated me instead. We ordered a huge plate of chicken and green vegs. After which, we proceeded to the famous Loyang Tua Pek Kong temple for a visit.

Birthday Flashbacks:

2003: I was with a PGP friend drinking coffee at city hall. This guy was very grateful to me and insisted in treating me for lending him my listening ears for the past one yr at PGP. He is the guy i brought to meet Sayalay :D The other friends bought me parker pen, sheiffer pen, pouches, hand rest etc.

2002: I was with sukandar the entire day at suntec eating around (many meals within one day), haha. But unfortunately, the present he bought me is something I dun need and dun like (a cap):p

2001: I was celebrating birthday with the BS gamers for FOC2001. They bought me a car model : Mercedes Benz

2000: Freshly ORDed, I was celebrating with my army camp mates at Marina SteamBoat Buffet. Its my 21st bday and initially I had no intention to celebrate, but a few of my camp mates volunteered to help me organise one. One grp bought me a metallic silver BMW car model, while the other grp gave me a Swatch.

1999: I have no recollection what i did for that year.

1998: I was in the midst of my miserable army trainings. My entire platoon was terribly tekaned on that very day with countless push ups and running about the camp as 'punishments'. On top of my family tussles then, I nearly broke down, and a friend came by to show his concern.

1997: My ex-gf bought me a 90210 blue colour t shirt. She purposely bought a S size for me as she thought I look better in small t shirts. I have to admit it was pretty uncomfortable wearing it but no choice......

1986-1996: I think for almost every year, my dad would bring me to Mandarin Hotel Chatterbox restaurant for the chicken rice set. I remembered the price rose from $14/set to $21/set about a decade ago. Now perhaps its $30++?? Can never forget that glass of $8 orange juice.

1985: I had the biggest birthday celebration ever. My dad's business was at its peak and he invited more than a hundred guests to his factory for the bday party. Guess what? I really received a lot of presents then, mostly toys.. and these toys are not simple ones but very big-scale and kua zhang kind of toys, which range from a 1-metre toy truck to then very sophisticated electronic games.

I can remember more of my bdays, but i think those were not worth or splendid to mention.

Show Hand

Shortly after i joined NUSBS FOC2000, i was given the nick "Show-Hand" by a BS snr, for my frankness in voicing out my opinions and sharing my personal problems. But dun get me wrong, I still keep some secrets for myself, just that i share relatively much more than most others do. I am going to share something tonite.

Those who know me well would know I have this very troubling matter keeping at heart for quite some time. Initially I only shared with 2 ppl, and now the number grew to more than 5. While I feel its bad of me to go round telling ppl abt the matter, I thought its gonna drive me crazy if i were to continue to keep it mum. I just need some friends to share and release out the unpleasantness in me. I am indeed thankful to those few whom i have shared :) Latest update: No action has been/will be taken in the near future cos the VIP is not around till late this yr :(

Now let me share another case on betrayal by a friend. There was this close friend who wanted to borrow 2K from me on the pretext of needing it for 'urgent matters'. When I asked her for the precise reasons, she said it was inconvenient to tell me, saying its for family matters. She also struck me hard on my weak spot by shooting me a qn "Dun u trust me?"

In the end, I lent her the money after some pleadings from her. I actually borrowed the money from another friend, who transfered his money from his account to hers using the online system, unconditionally. Thats the trust the other friend has for me, as he doesn even know her. And yeps, she returned me the money shortly.

After the incident, she kept asking me out for a meal, saying tat she wanna thank me for lending her the money. Of cos i feel great helping a friend, and was more than happy to accept her invitation. Everything was fine except for the fact that she wanted to meet me for meals at a certain place, which I dun think have any good food. I tried to persuade her to meet up at another place, but she insisted in meeting me at the place she suggested.

Our appointment was a sunday and when i asked her abt the job, she told me she was just helping around the company with the general stuffs, with no particular job scope. I asked her why she need to work on sunday, and she told me the ppl at her work place are so nice that they dun mind coming back on sunday to work. *Puzzled*

Coincidentally or pre-planned (i duno), we met one of her friends at the coffeeshop. This guy (from china) kept psychoing me tat i am not earning enough and shld come out to earn more money when i am young. I told him my monthly pay is actually more than an average graduate and I am very satisfied with it. He showed me a BMW parked by the road side and told me it belongs to his friend who is only 28 yr old. I wanted to tell him I have been driving mercedes benz E300 everyday to sch since i got my driving license but i din. He told me the importance of money in life and I told him the importance of morality in life. In the end, he gave up and I could more or less guess she is trying to rob me into MLM.

Just then, my hp beeped with an incoming msg: "Hey, do u think i shld still ask him to go up?" by XXX (my gal fren). My goodness! After seeing how defensive i was, my poor fren has actually wanted to SMS tat China fren, seeking his opinion whether she shld still bring me up to her company, but she ended up SMS me. Thats really too bad for her, and i was heartbroken.

Being my usual self, I spoke my mind and told her how I felt. I told her that it takes a v long time and much effort to build a friendship, but all it needs is one short moment of greed to destroy the entire friendship. She was apologetic, and promised not to do it again. I trusted her once more, and forgave her.

But to my disappointment, she continued with her doings, using the same techniques and methods, and approached several more of our common friends. Most of them were tricked, thinking how nice of her to invite us out for lunch, but all ended up visiting the MLM company. Just like me, they were disappointed and felt cheated.

Sorry to those who think I shldnt pen such things down in my blog. But this is my blog, i feel i have the right to do so and its supposed to be a channel for me to release all my unhappiness. It also serves as a form of warning : If next time soneone ask u to go and have lunch at some funny places, pls be on guard.

Making Life Meaningful

I havent been meditating ever since i left the retreat 2 weeks. I feel that I am gradually losing control of myself, my emotions and having less positive energy to make efforts in keeping my precepts.

Be it psychological effect or the TRUE effects from meditations, I am just feeling mentally weak and uncharged. The fact that I dun have that extra energy to push me to do my sittings at home doesn help too. Moreover, I no longer have that luxury to travel to the temples on some quiet weekday afternoons/mornings to do my own silent and quiet sittings.

Just like Mr Ae2004 wrote in his blog, I told myself I wanted to do so many things during my sch days, most of which require a large amt of activation energy to overcome the inertia. I am glad i have managed to do most of the things i hav wanted to do so.

When i was yr1 in NUS, i missed my army camp and wanted to go back badly. In the end, I succeeded in applying for a reservice and managed to stay back in the same old bunk I had during my army days. I have also wanted to visit Sungei Buloh badly and I managed to fight for a place for a visit organised by the Campus Green Community. I wanted to have an IA company located near the campus, so that I could still stay in the campus bua long long every evenings. I managed to get myself one after much struggle!There were many times I wanted to go up to Poh Ern Sih on a quiet morning to meditate, and I am glad I made enough effort to bring myself there for a few times during the semester. I have also wanted to try out the new halls (SH and KR) and hey presto! i managed to get a feel of it during my last semester in NUS. Its definitely a wonderful experience.

Sometimes I duno why some of my frens hated the campus so much, and they tried to minimise their staying time in sch. I am exactly on the opposite, as I enjoyed the moments i spent in sch tremedously. I wanted the type of campus life that after attending my lessons, I could cross over to SRC for a lazy afternoon swim and tan. In the morning I would enjoy my breakfast at the Arts canteen while in the evening, i wud get the chance to either jog round the campus or go for late night suppers at Fong Seng or NUH. I have had all these 'dreams' fufilled.

Stepping out to work in the society is definitely something quite different. There isnt much free play in my present job as I couldnt change my lifestyle much. At most, I can only decorate my office room with lotsa buddhist posters, haha.

Its after the retreat I suddenly feel myself sooo small, and there are so much things out there that I do not know, and awaiting for me to learn and experience. I do not wanna waste my life away... but how?

Oh yes my bday is not yet here but i have started to receive presents yday. Thanks to my old frens... but trust me, sincerely i feel tat making others spend money on me can be even more painful than myself spending the money.

Sadhu to the FOC organisers!

On Friday evening, I was so excited when I left for work at my office, as i would be joining NUSBS FOC all the way from friday nite till sunday morning.

The 2nd nite was senior sharing. I have to admit that this session might seem boring, dull and meaningless to the jnrs to a certain extent. For instance, wat BeiJing shared were not what we could relate to except for Peihui, someone of his era. And what Jessy shared were probably only meaningful to me and a few others of the same era.

But what I found most touching was the thanksgiving part of the sharing. Shiongwei was thanked openly and repeatedly throughout the session, by me, Jessy and Jiahui, for his presence in our NUSBS days. Separately and individually, he has touched our lives and gave impactful effects to our campus life.

Also got a pleasant and meaningful surprise when I was mentioned 'indirectly' by a jnr for my effort in bringing him closer to NUSBS. I am not sure if thats supposed to be a form of gratitude, but most importantly, its the assurance that tells me what I have done for the past yrs have been meaningful and worthwhile. Its like small yet meaningful evaluation for myself.

Pls pardon me for saying this but I feel some of the remaining sharings pretty shallow and forceful. Probably some were too ego to show their gratitudes and share their feelings, while others were simply not in the right moods. But how often did we not hear abt the importance of showing our gratitudes to keep our own hearts and fire burning? Its not just for ourselves, but for others to feel.

As mentioned before by a snr in the prev FOCs, i noticed the same thing myself: During the initial setting up the camp, there wud always be some ppl who would hesitate to step forward and commit themselves to the plannings, even though they were approached repeatedly. BUT its only after the 'raw' periods were over and everything was more or less planned and settled down, u wud see them coming forward at the last stage to 'Join In' and share the fun, as if they were part of the planning team. Its the same every yr. .sigh. Ppl only wanna share the fruits and fun, seep in the atmosphere and enjoy the fellowships, but refuse to commit and put in much efforts.

I ended my FOC prematuredly. Have intended to stayed on after the finale night to enjoy myself for the one last time in campus, but throughout the day something/someone kept trigger me off to anger up and break my forth precepts. Fearing of unable to control myself further, I decided to go home to prevent gaining more bad karma, and also to help reduce others from gaining bad karma.

Thanks to Jiahui and Eunice for their wonderful efforts to keep the society going. Also thankful to their comms and the OGLs for taking up their respective roles. I have to disagree with what BeiJing said abt the egoisticity of ppl who think they are very impt to the fate of the society. Becos the camp was small, you ppl have become even MORE noble, important and crucial to step forward and keep the society going, sadhu!