Making Life Meaningful

I havent been meditating ever since i left the retreat 2 weeks. I feel that I am gradually losing control of myself, my emotions and having less positive energy to make efforts in keeping my precepts.

Be it psychological effect or the TRUE effects from meditations, I am just feeling mentally weak and uncharged. The fact that I dun have that extra energy to push me to do my sittings at home doesn help too. Moreover, I no longer have that luxury to travel to the temples on some quiet weekday afternoons/mornings to do my own silent and quiet sittings.

Just like Mr Ae2004 wrote in his blog, I told myself I wanted to do so many things during my sch days, most of which require a large amt of activation energy to overcome the inertia. I am glad i have managed to do most of the things i hav wanted to do so.

When i was yr1 in NUS, i missed my army camp and wanted to go back badly. In the end, I succeeded in applying for a reservice and managed to stay back in the same old bunk I had during my army days. I have also wanted to visit Sungei Buloh badly and I managed to fight for a place for a visit organised by the Campus Green Community. I wanted to have an IA company located near the campus, so that I could still stay in the campus bua long long every evenings. I managed to get myself one after much struggle!There were many times I wanted to go up to Poh Ern Sih on a quiet morning to meditate, and I am glad I made enough effort to bring myself there for a few times during the semester. I have also wanted to try out the new halls (SH and KR) and hey presto! i managed to get a feel of it during my last semester in NUS. Its definitely a wonderful experience.

Sometimes I duno why some of my frens hated the campus so much, and they tried to minimise their staying time in sch. I am exactly on the opposite, as I enjoyed the moments i spent in sch tremedously. I wanted the type of campus life that after attending my lessons, I could cross over to SRC for a lazy afternoon swim and tan. In the morning I would enjoy my breakfast at the Arts canteen while in the evening, i wud get the chance to either jog round the campus or go for late night suppers at Fong Seng or NUH. I have had all these 'dreams' fufilled.

Stepping out to work in the society is definitely something quite different. There isnt much free play in my present job as I couldnt change my lifestyle much. At most, I can only decorate my office room with lotsa buddhist posters, haha.

Its after the retreat I suddenly feel myself sooo small, and there are so much things out there that I do not know, and awaiting for me to learn and experience. I do not wanna waste my life away... but how?

Oh yes my bday is not yet here but i have started to receive presents yday. Thanks to my old frens... but trust me, sincerely i feel tat making others spend money on me can be even more painful than myself spending the money.