NDP 2004 Preview

Last evening, I rushed down from work to NTU. I ate japanese food with sumantri at NTU which cost only $3. Although the quality and presentation was not as good as that sold in NUS arts canteen, the one in NTU is definitely value for money, as the quantity and taste are definitely there. Perhaps "Jia hua bu bi ye hua xiang" or "Wai guo de yue liang bi jiao yuan", I find NTU canteen drinks tasting nicer too (the honey dew milk and tea milk drink, yum yum).

Listened to Venerable Robina's talk at NIE. Although 50% of what she shared last night was repeated from her previous talks, I was still able to pick up new stuffs. In fact, her no-nonsense attitude kinda reminded me and made me feel guilty with my false, unwholesome and idling speech. After the talk, I went to Hall 11 and witnessed a late meeting by the NTUBS leaders on TBIC. Kind of reminded myself of the days I spent in NUSBS planning for BS activities. And thats precisely what made my uni life interesting.

This morning did meditation and puja with birdtan, mr chan, sumantri and myself. Riki carlon presiden is sick and joined us late, hopefully he takes good care of himself and sleeps more. Oh special thanks to birdtan for being so hospitable and welcoming, even though halfway in ur sleep you gave me a shock when u crossed ur legs over mine :S

This afternoon, was contemplating with smallbro Ong whether we shld attend the NDP 2004 preview. Both of us have extra tics and are not interested in NDPs. However, after reading from the news that ppl outside are selling the NDP Preview tics as high as $100 and actual NDP tics at $150, I decided not to waste the tics. In fact, I was only eyeing for the goodie bags which I have been redeeming almost every year over the past decade. Initially, I was afraid that the officer may not allowed me to redeem more than 1 bag although i have more than 1 tics with me, but we later found out there is NO LIMIT to the number of goodie bags we can take. The only limit lies in our own ability/capability to carry them.

The design of this yr's bag is really cool and nice, although the stuffs inside were still bad. The best goodie packs shld be the one in 1994, which include 2 medium KFC iced cola, binoculars, red towels with NDP 1994 printed, and many other interesting stuffs. The quality and quantity have been decling ever since.

I am terribly sorry to smallbro Ong for making him walk all the way from the stadium to aljunied MRT as I couldnt find the small eatery that I wanted to bring him too. Anyway, the NDP program this yr was not bad, but the marshal sux. We have to helped small kids and aunties climbed over fences and drains, as there was no clear & broad paths for us to walk to the MRT. Instead, we have mud paths, fences blocking us here and there, and a small miserable bridge that has to take 40,000++ ppl over the road.

Enough said, I thot NDP preview shld have less ppl, but i was wrong. I will not even consider going for the actual NDP liao..

Prisons

Today was a very shag day, not becos of work, but becos of the volunteering work for PKS and Shan You.

Upon request by Peifen, I decided to make my trip down to Toa Payoh North to help transport 'some shoes' from a factory to another warehouse at Queenstown. I thought my van could be of some significant help, but upon reaching there, I realised they have at least 400 boxes (see above) of shoes to transport. In fact, there were already 3 big lorries awaiting to transport the shoes. Altogether there were around 7 of us doing the labour job.

The entire process of carrying the boxes down from the factory to the loading bay was shag enough, not mention loading them up to the lorries. Unfortunately, it rained heavily and the lorries were without shelthers. In the end, I have to drive my van to PKS to get some canvass sheets. And we ended up using my mini van to transport 3 boxes of shoes + 6 heavy metallic trolleys. My entire van was fully stuffed, and am glad the van was not 'wasted' afterall.

The unloading process was just as tiring, especially the building was an abandoned warehouse without electricty :s We have to use candlelights.

The helpers who were present were all middle aged guys. Its only after some chats that I realised they were from the Buddhist Lighthouse, which means most of them are ex-convicts. I really feel very happy for them, as they have made their life meaningful by doing volunteering work after their jail term, sadhu!

I always thot I have strong karmic links with the prisons, but touch woood, i dun mean i wanna be an immate, but I really hope I can work in the prisons one day. Too bad, the Singapore Prisons have rejected my application.... perhaps i shld wait for the next round.

More Convo Pics

The first pic was one of the two pics taken by the professional photographers at the commencement ceremony. I paid for them and they were sent to me yday. Personally, I am quite pleased with the photos, esp the shot was snapped at the moment I looked into the camera (there was no time for us to pause there and pose for the camera).

The 2nd pic was taken after the commencement with Vincent, Weigan and Yinsoo. Its a very special photo to me, as the 4 of us used to hang around at Hai Yin (Sagaramudra) Buddhist Society very often 2 yrs ago. Vincent is always active there, while Weigan is getting even more active than vincent over the past year. Yinsoo has since been cultivating seriously in Tibetan Buddhism while I am the only slacker left behind, doing nothing much. Nvtheless, this grp of buddies has really helped me quite a lot in the early stage of my buddhism practice. Sincerely grateful to them.

Just learnt that one of my jnr was feeling disappointed with his friends from BS. Expectation leading to disappointment is one thing, but this incident also kinda describes the ugly human nature - selfishness. Hope my jnr wun be disheartened and learn to live with it. A phrase which is overly used but still meaningful : life not a bed of roses. Not everyone out there is always kind, sincere and helpful. But tats only one side of the coin (robi-nale!), learn to view things from all angles and directions.

Oh yes, my smallbro tree has been away for one weak. Having an extremely weak stomach + falling sick very easily, I hope he is doing fine and strong over at Myammar. Really dun wish to see him coming back with skin + bones - flesh.

Akaa... bishan some orang jump train mati la.... not terrorists.

Small Gathering

This evening I have a gathering with the 24th MC. There were 10 of us, having dinner at the pay-as-you-like high class Indian restaurant at Excelsior Hotel. I wasnt exactly please with the service, as the ppl who serve there seem to have this impression that we are abusing the 'pay as u like' ruling by ordering lots of food and paying very little.

I dun like to take advantage of ppl, and I always pay at least $10 in the past. Today, i decided to withdraw $2 for their rather rude attitude, haha. Talk abt graciousness and being forgiving....

Oh yes, congratulation to dear Jane for having found her job as a software engineer! Congrats manz..waiting for ur first pay okie? For those other friends who havent found your job, dun worry, your chance will come, dun be too pessimistic and choosy.

And YES! Finally i can speak my mind all over again without fearing ppl laugh at me for being BHB or egoistic. Mabbe i am really ego and BHB. Guess what, I used to think that those typical boy-chase-gal-chase-boy stuffs will end in my NUS life after stepping out into the society, but I am wrong. For a number of times, I received 'free' bkfast like tuna sandwiches and tow huey desserts sent all the way to my office room by a couple of office gals. It kinda swell up my ego and I actually do enjoy such attention while my colleagues dunt, but then, so what?

A theory by some bs gals: The average and not-so-good looking guys always get the most attention from gals, becos most of the time they dare not pin hope on those very oustanding guys.

i am jus an ordinary and non-outstanding guy, but sorry for being overly ego still :p

Tahan

Things havent been going on smoothly at work for yday and this morning. Cant precisely fish out any major or significant problem, but the air of unpleasantness and dissatisfaction is hanging around.

Indeed, what Ven Yuan Fan said was right. We always hope and expect everything to go on smoothy without any problem, which is impossible. And when problems arise or things turn out not in line with our expectations, we experience the negative feelings, which is often unbearable.

My work often gives me lotsa unpleasant encounters, as I need to deal with a large number of different ppl everyday. I see this as a learning ground, and I hope I can tahan for long.

My Apologies

Sorry friends out there, I am not trying to attract attention or create a mountain over a molehill, but I see a need to migrate my blog over to this URL. This is because I realised with horror that someone has already 'invaded' into my blog, and I seriously do not wish to let this person find out more about me. I guess most of my nusbs friends will be able to guess who this person is. And A MILLION THANKS to the person who leaked it out.

Anyway, the change of my URL is not necc a bad thing. Over the months, I have been feeling the resistance to pen down my feelings and thoughts in my blog. With a larger readership (nothing to be proud fo though), I am facing more 'restrictions' to the contents I can fill my blog up with. Of cos i dun mind my close friends from both engin and bs to read my entries, but at least they must be ppl i know, not ppl i duno.

Having changed my URL, i will inform these friends my URL. At least I can effectively filter out those who have been reading my blog but oblivious to me. Hopefully with the change of URL, i can once again start to pour out my feelings openly....

Sunday Nite is the Nite, Feeling alright!

Sunday night again. I used to dread sunday nites during my pri/sec school days, as the next day will be school again. Especially for morning session classes, I have to wake up as early as 6am every sch days.

When I was in the army, my sunday nights were mostly spent in the army camp! During my BMT days, I wud have reported at the commando jetty by 7-8pm, and reached Pulau Tekong around 8 plus. In Sispec, I need to book in as early as 6pm!!! cos i failed to meet the physical fitness level then. And towards the end of the army, I normally reached back camp at 11plus on sunday nites.

In NUS, sunday nights become not so significant. In fact, weekends were nv much difference from normal school days, as everyday seems to be the same, a mixture of work + play.

Working life? Sunday nite sux manz, cos the next morning will be experiencing monday blues... hahaha.

Quite a crappy entry this evening, hope u ppl dun mind. But i really have nothing to write about this evening, no reflections, nothing.....

希望明天会更好！

Carlon Presiden

From this to this !

No no..... Riki is not to be mistakened as a BMT recruit. Probably this is just an 'official' hairstyle for NTUBS guys? In line with Kean Yap, Kin Song, Teddy, Sumantri (soon-to-be), perhaps guys from NUSBS shld consider this economical and hassle-free hairstyle.

The talk last evening at DBS auditorium by Ven Robina was superbly good. I dun think I will attemp summarising or jotting down anything from the talk on my blog, as it will do terribly injustice to what she shared with us last night. Like what Bro Sebastian had earlier said: Whatever you have picked up and absorbed shld stay in your mind, showing you have already appreciated them. You should not jot them down on note books as u most probably will leave them aside after sometime. Well, I cant say I agree with him totally, but it seems to make sense to me now.

Oh yea thanks to all my frens who have showed concern for me. The car accident battle shld be over soon. And NOPE, i have decided not to press on and let that guy claim whatever he likes. He will pay back using his own karma, I just wanna move on with life and settle more impt stuffs.

***anyway, i have already sold my sonata, so whatever insurance penalty i dun have to pay next yr, hahahahahahaha***

Angel Vs Devil 2

This morning, my car insurance agentcalled me, informing me to expect a court case soon. The other party which has gotten me into the car accident during last christmas has refused to give up claiming from me. Its kinda spoilt my day.....

Devil speaking:

Hey Gordon, you are so suay and unfortunate. You were happily driving along at Orchard with your friend. You were stuck in a jam and your car was stationary when a cuckoo from your left suddenly came knocking into you car. Instead of apolosing to you, he cursed and swear you on the spot.

Although his insurance agent did compensate you a meagre sum of $260 (hardly enough for the repair costs), he himself wanted to claim from you a whopping sum of $2000++, which include his legal fees in employing a lawyer.

I am sure you werent at fault, if not you shld be feeling very guilty now for denying an offence you have committed. But the other party seemed to be aruging very well, with all the evidences favouring him. Even ur insurance agent said that the chances of you winning over him is jus 50% or even less... And worse, your so called very good fren said he is v scared and is hesistant to come forward to be your witness..

Dear Gordon, cant u feel the anguish and anger, that the other party who rammed into you has not only caused you so much trouble, pains, worries but is going to make pay $$$. Simply no justice in this world? Are u going to give up and just let him go away scot free? Dun u think u shld follow him, exaggerate + substantiate your own statements to support ur own evidence?


Angel Speaking:

Dear Gordon, why are you so worried when your conscience is clear? Arent you wasting much time speculating and re-collecting the past incidents? No matter how much and hard you think, you are not going to re-write the past.

So what if he managed to win the case and make you pay? Is that small amt of money worth the karmic debt he would be incurring?

Isnt this a good chance for your to clear/purify away your bad karma?

Just keep your conscience clear, stay happy, spend more time and energy on useful stuffs. Things around us happen so fast that they become like illusions.

Dhammacakkappavattana - Wheel Turning Day!

Its Dhammacakkappavattana today, also known as the Wheel Turning Day! So rightfully speaking, we are supposed to do many good deeds today so that our merits will be multiplied million times. But we also know that its a wrong intention.

Well, I have to clarify that the volunteering of transporting the Dharma books from ABC/BF to NUS today was strictly coincidental. However, I am glad that were a few others who were present this evening to peform and share this meritorious deed.

Sadhu to the future NUSBS leaders (The 2 'W's - Wilsanto and Weiguang) as featured in the pictures above! Sadhu to Katrine and Wenyan too! May the Dharma books we brought back today benefit the campus community, and may those who have read and gained from these Dharma books, further pass them around and share whatever they have learnt to the ppl around them. May the merits be shared with everyone.

Let us anticipate for a chinese-speaking-ananda soon! akaaa, u can do it!

Ven Robina Rocks

I hope I havent been sounding like a weakling, being very indecisive and drowning myself in self-pity. But I know for sure I am not. I am just being responsible and careful.

This evening, I went to listen to Ven Robina's talk at DBS building. She spoke very fast, but definitely not just nonsensical blabberings. She was simply sharp and quick witted. I thought the questions asked during the Q&A session were fantastic too, of cos each of them paired up with fantastic answers by ven. I really picked up several useful tips tonite, esp the talk was on Compassion and Wisdom.

Just like what Ven Yuan Fan love to stress abt, we all do not like to encounter problems and often wish to see everyone well & happy. And when we fail to remove the the sufferings of ppl around us, we tend to get ourselves depress and upset too. Ven Robina advised us that sometimes, we do need to give others a chance to experience sufferings, and also an opportunity for them to purify their own bad karma. Its afterall their own karma that they have to bear, so why must we go against it? Ven Robina also reminded us that we have to take care of ourselves first (or watch ourselves), before we wanna work on others. She said something like this:

"Stop giving them advices, lectures & getting urself upset when u cant help them .... just be there".

The above are just some of the useful pointers I have picked up this evening, which i will not be surprised if they were to sound cliche to other ppl. Similarly, there shld be many other points that others might have picked up and found useful which I didnt feel so.

Dana - Finally, I can offer dana openly and relaxingly. In the past, I actually thot I am a very stingy person this life, becos i always have reservations when it comes to donation. But i found out thats becos I have been using my parents' money and I feel guilty about it. Now I am making my own money, I find myself often very willing to part with my cash (of cos i m refering to small amts lah. Thats a great relief, cos I fear I have been a miser for many lives. I am glad that I have been experiencing very good life for the first 20 yrs of my age, must be lots of dana and good merits accumulated from past life eh? HAHAHA. Lets hope I can continue doing so this life.

Oh dear bsl, wondering if you will get the chance to read my entry before u fly off. Sincerely wish u all the best in ur 3 weeks' cultivation. Pls come back as an upgraded person, so that u will be able to effectively benefit many more in the future. Sadhu!

Torn between choices

I am feeling pretty rotten today, having torn between 2 choices. Thats all because I am in the position to make a decision, that concerns a large community. Or perhaps I am thinking too much of the consequences of either choices that complicate up the matter?

Well, I think I have no choice. Its something that I could not share outwardly to any tom dick and harry out there, not even my own parents. And yet I am a just an ordinary person with limited experiences and wisdom, that I couldnt handle everything myself single-handedly. I need advices and comments.

But having too many different comments and advices tends to complicate the matter further. Thats why I was torn between the 2 choices. One snr is asking me to put a stop to whatever I am doing now and to leave everything to her and her teacher. Another snr is encouraging me to stand out and confront the matter courageously, for the sake of the community at large. At the same time, the emotional side of me is stopping myself from doing so, because I do not wish to see someone 'destroyed' just because of my doing, even though it may be rightful for me to do so.

I am just too selfish that I do not wish to bear such consequences, plus I do not wish to jeopardise many others of learning chances in future camps/retreats or creating possibilities of tarnishing the reputation of a school. And so what are the downsides of not reporting the matter? I will only see someone walking towards the fire and yet not stopping him, or probably sabotage many others along into the fire. I do not wish to see someone being reborn into an animal, or in even lower realms. I tell myself I need to stop the wrong doings.

Analogy1: If your kid was caught stealing in sch, would you rather the teacher call you up and inform you first, or would you prefer the teacher to hand your child directly to the police? So am i supposed to report the matter directly to the higher authority or am I supposed to do it discreetly to the teacher concerned first?

Analogy2: If you catch a theif outside, are you going to hand him directly to the police or wait to call the theif's parents before deciding? And pls, the person concerned is no longer a kid ok?

Still, its a dilemma for me, despite numerous long phone calls of discussions with my seniors. A jnr kind of reprimanded me for complicating up the matter, and warned me about 'musavada'. Frankly speaking, I am very afraid of breaking the 4th precepts in the process of re-reporting the matter over and over again to those few snrs. As we discuss more, we tend to get more biase against the matter, and hence, whatever I could 'recall' and 'recollect' may not be as accurate as before :(

At first I though it only concerns me, a couple of snrs and jnrs. Now it seems that some "fen yong zhi tu" are trying hard to fight for the case, not just for me but for the sake and well-being of the buddhist community. I appreciate their good intention but i still feel its not right.

Why does the decision lies in me? Someone pls decide for me.

My Head is Spinning

This evening was the last time I could spin round the city in my Sonata. After parking it properly at the parking lot, I feel the reluctance in me to turn off the headlamps, radio and switching off of the engine. The sonata will be sent for scrape tmr, and while looking at this piece of beautiful white metal, I feel sad that its going to 'die' prematurely at the age of 5. Bad economy. My dad has changed at least 6-7 cars in my memory, and I have nv felt this type of sadness in me before. Probably everytime I part with an old car, I would be looking forward to travel in the new car replacement. This time round, there will not be any replacement for this Sonata... end of driving life for my dad.

This aftn joined NUSBSA in their outing at East Coast Park. Rode the bicyle and took the above pic at bedok jetty. I know some of u think i am very vain, i dun deny this fact but i thot there are many more worse than me, haha. The other pic is smallbro Ong, we had a v huge Murtabak at bugis last nite... dun u think he looks good in this photo?

After ECP, I visited Dr Ang at her house with Siew Ching. I guess the 'secret' i talked abt in my blog has kinda become an open secret, or at least its no longer a secret among my fellow bloggers/blog friends, esp those from NTU. I have approached a NUSBS snr for help, whom she has consulted Dr Ang for advice. But we were shocked that Dr Ang did not keep the case a secret although we appreciate her good intentions. Although names were not mentioned, it will kinda make things worse as more speculations will take place which I dun really like. I wudnt mind telling ppl the details, if not of protecting the reputation of the Sangha.

However, Dr Ang has successfully convinced me the importance and need of sharing the incident to people, esp those in the buddhist student community. So hey ppl out there who have received email abt a case whereby a Sangha misbehaved, the victim is me me me !!!!! So stop all the guesses liaos, and i really dun mind letting ppl know its me!

Thats what I have for tonite.....

Oh yeah, Riki Rawks!

Rotten Luck

 
This pic was taken this evening at SRC together with my dear NUSBS friends. Thanks to sweeting for organising this session, and thanks for all those who turned up, esp those who double up as photographers. Sincerely thankful for this memorable afternoon, even though 85% of my pic ended up disastorously due to wrong setting of my digi cam :(  Can say wat a waste of effort and time :(
 
Just now when driving also took many wrong turns and detours... wats wrong today?
 
Went home and receive a lawyer letter. This time its not directed to my dad but to me. Met a car accident last december and the other party is claiming against me. Its more than 2K worth of money... sighz.  For goodness sake, I can swear with my head off that he was in the wrong, but am i going to let him go scot-free and succeed in claiming against me? How can I make myself feel justifiable abt his claim? By convincing myself he will be answerable for his own karma??
 
Well even more rotten luck the previous nite. Had an extremely heated arguement with my parents over family matters. Communication seems to have broken down tremendously lately, not just between me and them, but among they themselves.
 
I could not tahan anymore and drove off to find sumantri and riki and hall 10. Sincerely grateful to them for spending the night chatting with me. Hall 11 is really a very nice place, or issit becos of the deco of Sumantri/Kean Yap's room? Orangy lamps shining on the 3 buddha statues, with meditation mets laid in front like a mini meditation hall. The next morning (this morning), did morning puja and meditation with Riki, it was a nice feeling.
 
After which we drove off to Canteen A for Mc Donald's bkfast. See the changing faces of riki !
 

Round and Round Again.

On my right is Riki - dun ask me why he look so sleepy. On my left is sumantri didi (or better known by Teddy as Mozzarella didi). This pic reminds me of how time flies.

Sumantri will be yr4 when sch reopens. Remembered he was still yr1 (like riki now) when I first visited him in Hall 10. He was the youngest around (like riki now). He was diligently preparing for his dynamic paper with his hall mate Effendi. Effendi had many cans of beer under his bed and he offered me one. He used to work at the beer company.

After which, sumantri moved to hall 11, another hall which looks almost the same as his previous one, except that parking lots were easilt available nearby. He had a hallmate who seldom return to the room and nv stayed overnight. Hence, it was like a single-double room for sumantri.

Then there came the happy time when sumantri excitedly moved over to hall 2. He loved to call it hall 1+1, with the intention of making fun of how miserable hall 11 is compared to his then present hall2. There is an attached bathroom to his hall and he was staying together with 3 other Ace-hallers. He was extremely pleased with his room but he soon got himself 'crippled' over a basketball game :s Had a hard time moving in/out of his room for meals etc.

Now, sumantri is back to hall 11. Haha, thats how sometimes we are being made fun by fate. But I guess he shld be enjoying himself much with several of his spiritual friends from NTUBS staying together at hall 11.

Sometimes I really dun believe time passes so fast. Everyday, I have many diff tasks and work to accomplish, and I look foward to knock off timing. Knock off timing always seem to come very fast though, but so wat? Am I going to live everyday like that till the age of 30, 40 or 50?

Unlike my uni days which I could make everyday meaningful, working life is going to get more meaningless if it carries on like this....

Getting Skeptical

Made my way to attend the Dharma talk just now, thanks to smallbro Ong for informing me abt it. I really appreciate the effort and recognise it as a form of spiritual support.

The talk was given by Ajahn Sujato, a teacher whom i have never heard or met before. I find the talk pretty light heartening, esp with Ajahn very humerous and jovious. However, I was a bit worried for some NUSBS newbies as many pali terms were used jus now. Hope that they will not be turned off by their first few Dharma talks. Nvtheless, the Q&A session was fun and easy to understand. I am glad that I did pick up some useful pointers from the short talk.

However, I have to constantly remind myself not to get too skeptical and judgemental towards the sangha community. There's this fear within me that I will, esp when those following the bodhisattva paths are not even supposed to harbour ill or unwholesome thoughts for the sangha.

Sometimes, u'll nv know immediately how impactful some incidents are to u, but they only surface when u get to encounter something similar as the days go by. I hope my judgemental attitude towards the sangha will cease soon... its jus going to disrupt and disturb my cultivation.

Trust

I always thought that I dun easily trust ppl, tats becos i think i am smart & sensitive, but I guess I am wrong. I can be easily shakened, thats why I sometimes obliviously fall into ppl's traps.

There were 3 NUSBS snrs and 2 other friends during the discussions. Despite the evidence they have gathered, supported with very logical and strong analysis, I still harbour that little trust element in that accused. Oh now, am i getting too emotional that i fail to judge things rationally?

We often feel that we are in the worst situation, only to realise others may be in a worse situation than ours. My friend thought my predicament is jialat enough, but my other friend had an even much more jialat encounter. Just now, I listened in disbelieve. But I still refuse to let go of my trust for that accused completely ....

As compared with my snrs and friends, i m much weaker in dealing such situations without entangling myself with emotions. But dun get me wrong, i am not emotional now, but i just cant work things out rationally. I wonder whether its becos of my trust for ppl, or am i just bothering too much with ppl's feelings.

Once again, I am reminded of the great importance in self cultivation. The awareness and self-reflections. It doesn make a difference if we have a shaved head or are in the robes... but it makes a difference if we have a kind heart and pure mind - free from greed, hatred and delusions.

Graduation Photos .....

Today was more like a photo taking session than my commencement. The joy I had today came from meeting so many of my course mates and BS juniors, instead of going upstage to collect the scroll from the v. chancellor.

Sincerely very grateful to all my dear BS friends who came down purposely just to support the few of us. Really nv expect such a huge turn out today :D There are simply too many photos for me to upload here, so kinda picked a few. Alternatively, you may wish to visit the following website and select the 'slide show' option. No guarantee that it works though :D

PHOTOS UPDATED
Oh yea, thanks to smallbro ong for the effort to get me the spiderman2 tics, and the papaya from smallbro wong.

Commencement Commencing Soon...

My 'Big Day' will be approaching in a few hours' time. Am I supposed to sleep early so that I will look better in photo takings tmr? Since its such a 'big day', shldnt I be feeling very excited and happy?

The answer is a BIG "NO". Initially i thot the date is still far away, thats why i din have the excited feeling. But now, the ceremony is jus few hrs away, and i am feeling even more sian with it. I do know of some friends who are very excited over their commencement, as they see it as the 'Final Day' of their education life. "I have waited for today for so long, finally its here!"

I forced myself to make some reflections why I am not feeling great abt the graduation ceremony. I guess I have the answer. While others see graduation as the final product of their education and value it greatly, I see the process of learning and experiencing throughout the 4 yrs as much more meaningful and valuable than the end product, which is my honours degree. I have enjoyed myself much for the past four yrs, so there is actually nothing great for me to anticipate or wait for after the 4yrs. Whatever I have taken with me have been taken, the commencement is more of a 'ritual' or 'custom' that i am taking tmr.

While many of my friend have been inviting their friends and jnrs for photo takings after the ceremony, I did not send out a single proper invitation. Of cos i would be more than happy if my jnrs will come take photos with me, and in my heart i am hoping they will take the initiative to do so, but I doubt so. Anyway no expectation... i admit i am just plain sian and too lazy to send out invitations.

Oh yes, just now i was at Sentosa attending NTUBS FOC finale night. Its not the first time i attended their activities, but its the first Camp Nirvana that I went. Too bad the NUSBS jnrs missed out the fun as they left early, the singing session was indeed very heart warming, as it effectively gel up the society. I guess thats the NTUBS style, no hard energetic hard rocking dance steps, but light and simple swaying motions... its nice, really nice... i have to take my hat off for weipin for joining CNS2004. I think we have some similarities - we really like to try out, participate and get involved in different new things instead of just staying at one old place/grp. Its parallel to my mentality and wish of getting exposed to different teachings of buddhism.

Hahaha, the wayang commencement will be approaching soon, and it shld be over soon ... lets move on with life and look forward to new challenges, yeah!

Kitten aka Ji Deng aka Auspicious Lamp

I was feeling blissful this evening until my dad came to tell me something which erased away all those nice feelings. Once again, he needs to use my van for both this weekend and next, which means I cannot use it for both my convo photo taking sessions which take place this weekend and the next.

Anyway, lets get back to the blissful feeling I had earlier on. Its came so strangely that I cant understand myself either. I feel happy that my dear friend, my smallbro zeathereal is able to fufil his wish once again. Its just a happy feeling within me that one of my spiritual friends has once again going to take a major step forward in life for his cultivation. Is this call mudita?

I have to admit i used to get jealous when I see many of my friends having the chance to attend retreats, but I cant. The idea of 'self' was so strong that I asked myself: Shldnt I feel happy for other ppl's acheivements? I know it sounds too noble to be true, but its something i get to appreciate lately. We are joyous to learn the Dharma taught by the buddha, we are not jealous of him. Similarly, we shld be joyous with our friends' achievements.

This evening, went with bean, zea and Owy to watch Xiao Gang's concert. Dun ask me where I get those tics, but my dad always have some lobangs in getting concert tics and annual NDP tics. The concert started off very boring, but it got better towards the end. Still, I feel that it didnt appear like a 'yan chang hui' but more like a 'ge chang hui'. Its either Xiao Gang doesn have good stage performance or I am really not into concerts :P

Tmr have to work, and smallbro zea is pushing me to sleep :D

Spring Chicken

This morning, I woke up and was tainted with a bit of disappointments - due to some unwholesome expectations. After i reached my office, I received bad news abt my friend, which plunge me deeper into the depression. Oh well, nothing happens to me personally but to my friend instead, and i cant help feeling disappointed and sad like him. Perhaps sadness can really spread?

This morning, I received a SOS call from my staff that a taxi driver was creating a sin at the customer service counter. I promptly made my way to meet him, and was immediately 'greeted' by his nasty hurlings of unpleasant words. I invited him to my office to cool him down but in vain. All my prev tricks did not work on this driver, as he got even more unreasonable.

I later learnt that he has already scolded one of my technician, who was in charged of servicing his vehicle. This driver complained that we did not do the neccesary jobs for him, which in fact we have done so. In the end, he left an angry man after he failed to meet my CEO, who is always away anyway. My technician felt he was wrongly accused, as he has already put in extra effort to take care of this driver's unreasonable demand. This time, i have to side my technician as i really found this driver too much.

Unfortunately, my manager wasnt supportive of my actions to report the driver to the taxi company. He felt i shld just close one eye and let the matter rest. My technician too, felt very paiseh for having to trouble me all the way from my office to attend to this problem. But i told myself : i am not emotionally affected by the driver, but i feel things are just not right!

Haha.... somehow quite unexpectedly, we receive a hamper in the late afternoon, together with a card saying SORRY. Its from the driver!!! I duno what made him change his mind so fast... he must have a miserable time after scolding ppl. When i brought the hamper to my technician (the typical ah beng), i could see tears welling in his eyes man. .i really mean it! I think thats the power of human touch..

Anyway, Ananda shared with me something very wonderful just now. Even though I have read the story of the Life of the Buddha many times, and I believe that theres always something to learn from the story, Ananda told me something which i have not come across. Thanks Ananda! Think u give wonderful Dharma talks!

Oh yes, there is a latest entry to my list of ppl calling me bigbro. This gal smsed me to ask if she can call me bigbro like what others do. My ans is "Of cos, why not?". Guess who is she? She is none other than my smallbros' fave gal, Joan.

HAHAHAAA

More Birthday Wishes

Just came back from a small supper session with wilsanto, bean and her friend, oppps. .i forgot his name, oh no. I love meeting ppl who are interested in Buddhism.

Every yr, I would receive bday wishes from friends, but the number of wishes today seemed to be exceptionally high today. Apart from the usual MSN msg, ICQ msg and typical ICQ E-card (which of cos i appreciate too!), I received quite an alarming number of bday wishes via the SMSes. They are as follows (arranged according to time received):

1) Juing Young - an army camp mate who msg me 1 day before my bday
2) Sukandar - who sent me on the dot at 0000hrs as usual
3) Smallbro Ong - who cant even spell my name correctly
4) Smallbro WOng - should I say I was the one who msg him 1st?
5) Xingyi - my fellow nusbs foc2000 mate
6) Jane - my dear friend from engin
7) Jiahui - nusbs junior
8) Jingxian - a fellow lecture mate, quite unexpected though
9) Somebody who's hp number i cant recognise
10) The 2nd hp number which I cant recognise
11) Wilsanto - nusbs junior aka adik
12) Dad - my own father la!
13) Lena - with her meaningful well wishes
14) The 3rd hp number which i cant recognise
15) Riki - ntubs adik whose bday wishes came together with a request for a treat from me :D
16) William - my pri sch classmate! quite unexpected also
17) Jaisey - a superb christian fren who helped out in foc2001
18) Maywei - a lecture mate since yr1 to 4

Sincerely apologising to those 3 ppl whose hp number I couldnt recognise. Limin are u one of them? My storage bank has been used up. Really appreciate the effort put in to key in the msgs on ur hp and sent them over. Of cos the same goes to my many other friends who bother to MSN and ICQ me bday wishes...

More guilty is the fact that shifu called me all the way from malaysia, just to wish me Happy Birthday. Do you think i deserve to be whacked?

Anyway, was chatting with Joan online this morning, someone whom my smallbros weiyang and siling have pretty good impression of. Once again, she displayed her magnimous side by advising me to forgive and forget abt the friend i commented negatively on regarding MLM. Like wat the smallbros said, she is a nice and good gal, no wonder they appreciate her so much :D

Birthday Celebration

On the eve of my birthday, I met up with gillian aka bean, and the 2 smallbros for dinner at Suntec Marche`. They bought me the bag (see above) and prior to that, they have been asking me whether i prefer blue or yellow. Definitely I prefer yellow, but it depends on what type of thing. For instance, i cant possibly have a yellow car or wear yellow shoes huh? haha.. anyway grateful to them for the bag and efforts. I have always wanted to buy a deuter bag but nv bear to part with the money in my wallet. Spending on food is another issue though :D

This afternoon, I told my colleagues I wanted to treat them lunch, but ended up they found out its my bday and treated me instead. We ordered a huge plate of chicken and green vegs. After which, we proceeded to the famous Loyang Tua Pek Kong temple for a visit.

Birthday Flashbacks:

2003: I was with a PGP friend drinking coffee at city hall. This guy was very grateful to me and insisted in treating me for lending him my listening ears for the past one yr at PGP. He is the guy i brought to meet Sayalay :D The other friends bought me parker pen, sheiffer pen, pouches, hand rest etc.

2002: I was with sukandar the entire day at suntec eating around (many meals within one day), haha. But unfortunately, the present he bought me is something I dun need and dun like (a cap):p

2001: I was celebrating birthday with the BS gamers for FOC2001. They bought me a car model : Mercedes Benz

2000: Freshly ORDed, I was celebrating with my army camp mates at Marina SteamBoat Buffet. Its my 21st bday and initially I had no intention to celebrate, but a few of my camp mates volunteered to help me organise one. One grp bought me a metallic silver BMW car model, while the other grp gave me a Swatch.

1999: I have no recollection what i did for that year.

1998: I was in the midst of my miserable army trainings. My entire platoon was terribly tekaned on that very day with countless push ups and running about the camp as 'punishments'. On top of my family tussles then, I nearly broke down, and a friend came by to show his concern.

1997: My ex-gf bought me a 90210 blue colour t shirt. She purposely bought a S size for me as she thought I look better in small t shirts. I have to admit it was pretty uncomfortable wearing it but no choice......

1986-1996: I think for almost every year, my dad would bring me to Mandarin Hotel Chatterbox restaurant for the chicken rice set. I remembered the price rose from $14/set to $21/set about a decade ago. Now perhaps its $30++?? Can never forget that glass of $8 orange juice.

1985: I had the biggest birthday celebration ever. My dad's business was at its peak and he invited more than a hundred guests to his factory for the bday party. Guess what? I really received a lot of presents then, mostly toys.. and these toys are not simple ones but very big-scale and kua zhang kind of toys, which range from a 1-metre toy truck to then very sophisticated electronic games.

I can remember more of my bdays, but i think those were not worth or splendid to mention.

Show Hand

Shortly after i joined NUSBS FOC2000, i was given the nick "Show-Hand" by a BS snr, for my frankness in voicing out my opinions and sharing my personal problems. But dun get me wrong, I still keep some secrets for myself, just that i share relatively much more than most others do. I am going to share something tonite.

Those who know me well would know I have this very troubling matter keeping at heart for quite some time. Initially I only shared with 2 ppl, and now the number grew to more than 5. While I feel its bad of me to go round telling ppl abt the matter, I thought its gonna drive me crazy if i were to continue to keep it mum. I just need some friends to share and release out the unpleasantness in me. I am indeed thankful to those few whom i have shared :) Latest update: No action has been/will be taken in the near future cos the VIP is not around till late this yr :(

Now let me share another case on betrayal by a friend. There was this close friend who wanted to borrow 2K from me on the pretext of needing it for 'urgent matters'. When I asked her for the precise reasons, she said it was inconvenient to tell me, saying its for family matters. She also struck me hard on my weak spot by shooting me a qn "Dun u trust me?"

In the end, I lent her the money after some pleadings from her. I actually borrowed the money from another friend, who transfered his money from his account to hers using the online system, unconditionally. Thats the trust the other friend has for me, as he doesn even know her. And yeps, she returned me the money shortly.

After the incident, she kept asking me out for a meal, saying tat she wanna thank me for lending her the money. Of cos i feel great helping a friend, and was more than happy to accept her invitation. Everything was fine except for the fact that she wanted to meet me for meals at a certain place, which I dun think have any good food. I tried to persuade her to meet up at another place, but she insisted in meeting me at the place she suggested.

Our appointment was a sunday and when i asked her abt the job, she told me she was just helping around the company with the general stuffs, with no particular job scope. I asked her why she need to work on sunday, and she told me the ppl at her work place are so nice that they dun mind coming back on sunday to work. *Puzzled*

Coincidentally or pre-planned (i duno), we met one of her friends at the coffeeshop. This guy (from china) kept psychoing me tat i am not earning enough and shld come out to earn more money when i am young. I told him my monthly pay is actually more than an average graduate and I am very satisfied with it. He showed me a BMW parked by the road side and told me it belongs to his friend who is only 28 yr old. I wanted to tell him I have been driving mercedes benz E300 everyday to sch since i got my driving license but i din. He told me the importance of money in life and I told him the importance of morality in life. In the end, he gave up and I could more or less guess she is trying to rob me into MLM.

Just then, my hp beeped with an incoming msg: "Hey, do u think i shld still ask him to go up?" by XXX (my gal fren). My goodness! After seeing how defensive i was, my poor fren has actually wanted to SMS tat China fren, seeking his opinion whether she shld still bring me up to her company, but she ended up SMS me. Thats really too bad for her, and i was heartbroken.

Being my usual self, I spoke my mind and told her how I felt. I told her that it takes a v long time and much effort to build a friendship, but all it needs is one short moment of greed to destroy the entire friendship. She was apologetic, and promised not to do it again. I trusted her once more, and forgave her.

But to my disappointment, she continued with her doings, using the same techniques and methods, and approached several more of our common friends. Most of them were tricked, thinking how nice of her to invite us out for lunch, but all ended up visiting the MLM company. Just like me, they were disappointed and felt cheated.

Sorry to those who think I shldnt pen such things down in my blog. But this is my blog, i feel i have the right to do so and its supposed to be a channel for me to release all my unhappiness. It also serves as a form of warning : If next time soneone ask u to go and have lunch at some funny places, pls be on guard.

Making Life Meaningful

I havent been meditating ever since i left the retreat 2 weeks. I feel that I am gradually losing control of myself, my emotions and having less positive energy to make efforts in keeping my precepts.

Be it psychological effect or the TRUE effects from meditations, I am just feeling mentally weak and uncharged. The fact that I dun have that extra energy to push me to do my sittings at home doesn help too. Moreover, I no longer have that luxury to travel to the temples on some quiet weekday afternoons/mornings to do my own silent and quiet sittings.

Just like Mr Ae2004 wrote in his blog, I told myself I wanted to do so many things during my sch days, most of which require a large amt of activation energy to overcome the inertia. I am glad i have managed to do most of the things i hav wanted to do so.

When i was yr1 in NUS, i missed my army camp and wanted to go back badly. In the end, I succeeded in applying for a reservice and managed to stay back in the same old bunk I had during my army days. I have also wanted to visit Sungei Buloh badly and I managed to fight for a place for a visit organised by the Campus Green Community. I wanted to have an IA company located near the campus, so that I could still stay in the campus bua long long every evenings. I managed to get myself one after much struggle!There were many times I wanted to go up to Poh Ern Sih on a quiet morning to meditate, and I am glad I made enough effort to bring myself there for a few times during the semester. I have also wanted to try out the new halls (SH and KR) and hey presto! i managed to get a feel of it during my last semester in NUS. Its definitely a wonderful experience.

Sometimes I duno why some of my frens hated the campus so much, and they tried to minimise their staying time in sch. I am exactly on the opposite, as I enjoyed the moments i spent in sch tremedously. I wanted the type of campus life that after attending my lessons, I could cross over to SRC for a lazy afternoon swim and tan. In the morning I would enjoy my breakfast at the Arts canteen while in the evening, i wud get the chance to either jog round the campus or go for late night suppers at Fong Seng or NUH. I have had all these 'dreams' fufilled.

Stepping out to work in the society is definitely something quite different. There isnt much free play in my present job as I couldnt change my lifestyle much. At most, I can only decorate my office room with lotsa buddhist posters, haha.

Its after the retreat I suddenly feel myself sooo small, and there are so much things out there that I do not know, and awaiting for me to learn and experience. I do not wanna waste my life away... but how?

Oh yes my bday is not yet here but i have started to receive presents yday. Thanks to my old frens... but trust me, sincerely i feel tat making others spend money on me can be even more painful than myself spending the money.

Sadhu to the FOC organisers!

On Friday evening, I was so excited when I left for work at my office, as i would be joining NUSBS FOC all the way from friday nite till sunday morning.

The 2nd nite was senior sharing. I have to admit that this session might seem boring, dull and meaningless to the jnrs to a certain extent. For instance, wat BeiJing shared were not what we could relate to except for Peihui, someone of his era. And what Jessy shared were probably only meaningful to me and a few others of the same era.

But what I found most touching was the thanksgiving part of the sharing. Shiongwei was thanked openly and repeatedly throughout the session, by me, Jessy and Jiahui, for his presence in our NUSBS days. Separately and individually, he has touched our lives and gave impactful effects to our campus life.

Also got a pleasant and meaningful surprise when I was mentioned 'indirectly' by a jnr for my effort in bringing him closer to NUSBS. I am not sure if thats supposed to be a form of gratitude, but most importantly, its the assurance that tells me what I have done for the past yrs have been meaningful and worthwhile. Its like small yet meaningful evaluation for myself.

Pls pardon me for saying this but I feel some of the remaining sharings pretty shallow and forceful. Probably some were too ego to show their gratitudes and share their feelings, while others were simply not in the right moods. But how often did we not hear abt the importance of showing our gratitudes to keep our own hearts and fire burning? Its not just for ourselves, but for others to feel.

As mentioned before by a snr in the prev FOCs, i noticed the same thing myself: During the initial setting up the camp, there wud always be some ppl who would hesitate to step forward and commit themselves to the plannings, even though they were approached repeatedly. BUT its only after the 'raw' periods were over and everything was more or less planned and settled down, u wud see them coming forward at the last stage to 'Join In' and share the fun, as if they were part of the planning team. Its the same every yr. .sigh. Ppl only wanna share the fruits and fun, seep in the atmosphere and enjoy the fellowships, but refuse to commit and put in much efforts.

I ended my FOC prematuredly. Have intended to stayed on after the finale night to enjoy myself for the one last time in campus, but throughout the day something/someone kept trigger me off to anger up and break my forth precepts. Fearing of unable to control myself further, I decided to go home to prevent gaining more bad karma, and also to help reduce others from gaining bad karma.

Thanks to Jiahui and Eunice for their wonderful efforts to keep the society going. Also thankful to their comms and the OGLs for taking up their respective roles. I have to disagree with what BeiJing said abt the egoisticity of ppl who think they are very impt to the fate of the society. Becos the camp was small, you ppl have become even MORE noble, important and crucial to step forward and keep the society going, sadhu!