New Year Eve

I guess I shld quickly pen down a few words before 2004 ends.

2004 has been a super roller coaster like year for me. Having to go through the transition phase of leaving NUS and going out to work, which is a totally brand new experience for someone like me who has nv picked up any holiday job before.

2004 is the yr i lost my family harmony, my family financial stability, and most upsetting, a couple of close spiritual friends. Not that they are no longer around but the bond no longer exist. On the positive note, I have get to know many wonderful people, both from the buddhist community and work place. I have also gotten a not-too-bad job which pay is good enough for me to feed my family comfortably.

I dun hope for a peaceful and smooth-sailing 2005, for i know its not going to happen. But i just wish myself all the best, in dealing and tackling with all obstacles in life, and reaching out to as many needy ppl as possible.

I know my own spiritual level has gone to rock bottom, and I vow to work hard on it. That shld be one of my top priority in life, other than money making. And I sincerely thank all my friends who have supported me in one way or another :)

A Happy New Year!

New found sights

Finally, I am done with both eyes. And i am sincerely thankful for the concerns of some of my friends like Edward, Riki and Gillian. Special thanks to jennifer for giving me a kogepan softtoy that wears a 'Ping An' tag on the neck. I wonder how she knows I like kogepans....

The lasik operation today went off less smoothly. Firstly, someone who was supposed to have his operation earlier in the day 'cut' my queue, cos his doctor was late. In the end, my operation timing was pushed back, and I have to wait in my operation suits and head gears for a longer timing than usual, with the anasthetics effect going off gradually.

Secondly, my doctor freaked me out by calling me "Johnathan?". The fact is that there is really a Johnathan after me, awaiting for the lasik. I quickly corrected my doctor, fearing that he may key in the settings according to Johanathan's specs, but he did not give me any response. Luckily the nurse reminded him that this is "Gordon".

Next, during the op, the doctor was supposed to tape up both my upper and lower eye lids, before placing a circular ring around my eye ball. After which, the vacuum pump wud be turned on, and my eye ball will be sucked up and compressed with the aid of the circular clip. Unfortunately despite many tries, he failed to compress my eye ball, though he exerted more force thus creating more pains to my eye. Finally, he found out the fault lies in the circular clip, as he quickly replaced another one and it finally worked.

The entire lasik procedure was actually not very fun but disgusting. Firstly, you feel the pressure of your eye ball being sucked up. Next, you see your cornea being sliced and flap aside. Finally, you can hear the lasering sound and most disgustingly, the burning smells that emit from the burning of your cornea cells. However, overall the procedure is still a very fast and painless one (if not of the circular clip problem).

And not forgetting to mention the excitment of my new found eye sight. For the first time in life, I was able to see everything around me so clearly, esp at night before i sleep. The window grills, the furnitures, buddha statues, burning flame etc were all super clear and bright. Having to live in a dark & blurry world for the past 2 decades, the feeling i get now is definitely refreshing.

PS: May my friend and his family be safe and sound, Om Mani Padme Hum!

Out-of-Office

Everytime I went for a long course, I will email my colleagues and working partners that I will be out of office for that period, and kindly request them to forward any urgent matters to my direct superior or direct subordinate.

And I wish to inform all my friends now that I may be absent from my blog or online for the rest of this week due to some commitments.

Cheerios!

Army no more

Recently, I get to acknowledge an old army friend in friendster whom i mentioned a few entries earlier. In fact, I cannot really remember or recall this guy, but our chatting on msn sure brought back many memories of our army days.

As we were chatting, I was once again bogged down by my past army memories. I mentioned about going to Pulau Tekong almost every week in yr 2000. I was then already a pretty seasoned senior personnel in the army, who would travel to Tekong to either pick up some new army personnel, or for other admin matters.

Everytime I landed on the Ladang Jetty, I would be filled with emotions. I would recall the very first time I landed on Tekong in 1997, jumping down from the 3-tonner, carrying a super heavy alibaba bag. I also remembered the moment when I was able to find my alibaba bag and got really panick. Everytime the landrover drove past the big patch of field facing the singapore mainland, i would recall the days where I had my field PT over there. The 'tekaning' moments when we were being played and fooled running about under the merciless commands, carry our buddies on our back. Enduring all the tortures while gazing sadly across the field at the Singapore mainland. That piece of land whom we have lived for the past 19 yrs have nv looked as lovely and sweet before.....

Every sunday evening (like tonight) in late 1997 would be the saddest moment of the week for us. We would report at Commando Jetty, awaiting for the fastscraft to ferry us back to P.Tekong from mainland singapore. Every time on the fastscraft, i would have this evil thought in me : how i wish the fastscraft will sink in the sea! then i dun need to go tekong and got trap there for a brand new week again...... but of cos it nv happened.

When i revisited tekong very often in 2000, i did some reflections. I see how much I have grown and changed within the 2 yr plus of 'training' in the army environment. My confidence has taken a great soar, after going through all the hardships of dealing with nasty ppl, and being thrown in the most difficult situations in life. My life has been re-shaped entirely. While I thought my confidence has greatly increased, my ego swelled even greater, and so does my attachment.

I know my limits in writing so I could nv express how I feel for my army life in words. Its definitely much stronger than what you can read from here ..... I hope I can let it go fast.

Deng x 9

Received the following e-greeting from kici:

Wish u A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! Eat more, drink more, and treat me more!!!

Cheers
Riki

Well, it seems that he is hinting that I havent treated him enough, or nv treat him to christmas dinner, huh?

Today went to watch the movie 'Kungfu' with my army friends. Its supposed to be a comedy, and yeah, i did laugh at 2 scenes. Thats considered a breakthrough cos i am seldom amused by comedies or touched by love movies. Most of the time, I would have this 'in-built' mindset that these ppl on the screen are just acting, not real. On the other hand, I prefer to watch action movies, or those with very splendid effects like Independence Day, The Mummies and my fave is horror movies.

These few days, I have been driving not my own van, but my brother's Altis as he is away overseas. Its only a short 6 month break from driving an auto car and I am already not used to it. Firstly, its the pressure of driving a new car, fearing of hitting or getting scratched by other automobiles. Secondly, the petrol level seems to drop very fast - aww $$$. Thirdly, I am already experiencing controlling the car, esp wary of hitting the kerbs when doing turnings and also lane filterings. Thats becos I find the car very low, and my confidence in driving it has greatly been lowered.

Anyway, I forgot I have driven a car for almost 4yr plus before I switched to a van... so its all psychological effect. But driving the Altis for these 2 days have convinced me that I am not ready to buy a car yet. Its too huge a burden.

A guy is now happily telling me his newly found relationship with a gal. I wish him all the best, although I have nv been positive about bgr. Good Luck.

Anyone else, besides me and nolittleway, find the Mac Donalds Mouse-playing-the-piano very cute?

Wallet Day!

Decided to migrate my blog back to this URL, having quite a number of ppl asking me what happened to my blog. Feel that the negative energies in me have gradually been subsided and dispelled, so decided to bring some joy back to this blog.

Was enjoying the evening session of the Om Retreat at PKS this evening. I dun think I can chant very well, cos it made my throat dry. Nevertheless, its better than wasting time hanging out on streets or pubbing in clubs, like what I did in the previous years.

Decided to speed home in my bro's car before the clock strikes 12 midnight. Last year around this time, I met with a car accident at Scott's Rd. It was a torturing nightmare for me, as the other party refused to give in and continued to pursue the case. The worse thing is that it wasnt my fault - i can truthfully swear for it. Perhaps I shld see it as a way to clean away my bad karma.

Today, I received 4 x'mas presents in all. Out of the 4 presents, 3 are wallets. Just because I kept complaining my wallet was torn, that they really take it seriously. But one of the wallets is from my mum. I nv expect her to buy me one but the design she bought is really not nice, and i dun intend to use it. I seriously hope she wun feel sad about it .. sighz.

Merry X'mas Everyone!

Xmas Eve

I find it very refreshing to own a blog that nobody or v few ppl read it. I cant precisely explain the reason but it feels good. Perhaps it has to do with having less responsibility in answer to ppl who read what I wrote.

Nothing spectacular these few days except that the excitment grows each day. Not talking abt X'mas definitely, but the fateful day of my eye op. Ever since I started work, I have been 'searching' for interesting events to break the monotonous lifestyle of mine. It used to be Dharma circles, courses at ITE etc. The one I have long been waiting for is my visit to SNEC. Feel some pessimisism in me, or mabbe i am jus paranoid. From past experiences, things always go wrong when I was too excited over them.

My staff just called me to ask if they can be excused uniform since its x'mas eve today (we r not working full day today). My answer is negative... I want them to wear uniform. Mabbe thats the minimum discipline that I wish to keep for myself and my staff.

Yday, another 50+yr old staff was called into my manager's office for disciplinary problems. He has already received a previous Final Warning letter from HR dept on poor working attitude. He was begging us to let him off for once and let him continue to work. He cried about having and 80+ yr old mother. I guessed I have grown much tougher and hard hearted, I told my boss to dismiss him. We cant keep old, slow and poor workers in our company and affect our productivity. Scold me if you want, but I were to keep him back, the other staff will scold me as well.

Merry Xmas!

BGR, pls....

This evening, I fetch Sohan at PGP and sent him to the airport. I think Sohan is a wonderful friend and I feel very happy providing such a service for him. Will see him back from Sri Lanka abt 2.5 weeks later.

Today, I received 5 emails from my clique of 9 friends. They have specially left out the emails of the couple who just broke off. In their emails, they were expressing and exchanging their concerns on the 'gal', whom they thought was taking things very badly. Some of these friends were getting very worried and frantic on how we should go abt consoling and helping the gal who behaved v differently tat evening.

However, sharing the same sentiments as another gal, we thought we should just leave the gal alone. She may have appeared to be very stone, quiet and down during our x'mas party, but that doesn mean we NEED to do anything on her now. I felt that sometimes we just need to leave ppl alone, let her temporarily shut herself from the world, and perhaps chill it out at home.

While my other friends were worried that she may get into depression or run herself with wild imaginations, I thought we were just very selfish ppl who wanted her to behave the way we wish to see her to be. Afterall, we cant expect her to behave like her old usual self when she just broke up right? Its hard to tell my friends my idea, as I really dun wish to complicate matters.

I have expressed my stand to my friends that we shld leave her alone, and check her out probably a week later. I really believe in karma (or retribution in layman terms). How you treat others in the past will be how others will treat u in the future. Its especially true when it comes to relationship.

变迁

X'mas Party Photos

My constant changing of blog URL is a good indication that I am constantly trying to run away from attention. Probably I really do share the same sentiments as bean and jane. Bean wants to distant away from the crowds while Jane is asking for a simple life. Me too.

Since young, I have been enjoying relatively high profile, esp towards my end of the army. The entire unit would know who Sgt Gordon is, and he would not encounter much difficulties making requests or asking others to do work, regardless of their ranks. When I joined NUSBS FOC2000, the limelight was somehow thrown to be, for having someone more 'hip' and 'hyper' among the guys in NUSBS then - I was often remembered by the seniors as the one who wore earing, dye hair and drove a mercedes benz. Throughout my years in NUSBS, I remained high profile, mainly because I talked a lot and was very involved in the activities.

Perhaps age is catching up, or mabbe its due to some downturn in life causing a temporary change, I am now looking forward to a less high profile life, I wish to get less attention from others, and dun wish to talk and share as much with others. This change may not be only temporary, but at least thats how I feel now and hope for a v down to earth life.

This afternoon, I got myself really fed up after the same old executive whom I argued with weeks ago said and did something to me. While I was struggling hard to let go of the anger, remind myself of bad karma and warn myself not to think along the line of 'revenge', the anger in me refused to subside. It was only after I thought of showing compassion to her, I managed to cool down.

I notice a surprise change in myself these couple of days. Firstly, my disgust for meat grew even larger, esp this morning, that I couldnt bring myself to eat meat. Thanks (or no thanks) to the few pieces of boneless drumlets my fren prepared last evening for the x'mas party. Next, I found myself v interested in reading lately. In fact, i have been furiously reading these days, and the amount of pages I covered these couple of days far exceed the total number of pages I have read for the past year.

Also, I surprised myself for my sudden interest in meditation, again. Though the interest is not new, the motivation is definitely a brand new one. In the past, I forced myself to meditate regularly because I WANT to improve and cultivate. Now, I want to meditate because I LOVE to meditate, especially in the middle of my bedroom at night. Finally, I was able to jog for a longer distance at a much faster speed - proven just now. That is most probably a result of hard work and practice , no big deal haha.

A friend was writing an appeal letter, to help 'console' a gal friend who just broke up with her bf (also our friend). I decided not to interfere...

Thin and Scarce

Decided to change my blog URL temporarily. The habit of writing is still there, but just dun wish to let too many ppl read, simply dun wish to share as much lately.

This evening, I had an early x'mas party with my nusbs foc clique - the 9 of us. 4 guys 5 gals, supposed to comprise 3 couples but 1 couple broke up recently. Still, all of then turned up at my house this evening for the party. Kinda feeling awkward as we have to pretend nothing has happened.

We have a major cooking session in my kitchen. After which, we exchanged x'mas presents, and even drew lots to determine who will be in charged of buying whose present for next yr's christmas. The name each one of us picked will be kept a secret until next yr's x'mas.

Somehow, it was like a mini AGM for the 9 of us, that we began to plan and decide the dates to meet up for 2005. Besides the annual CNY house visits, we also meet up for one another's birthday. For 2005, we decided to celebrate some of our bdays together as we find it v difficult to fix dates tat all of us will be able to make it. There will be a gathering in Jan (2 bdays), a second one in June (2 bdays), third one in july (2 bdays), forth one in Sep (2 bdays) and last one in Dec (1 bday + x'mas). There will be a 'duty-personnel' in charged for each gathering .. .sound so 'BS', cant blame that all of us were either ex-MC or ex-FOC committee of NUSBS. And becos all are working personnel, we really have to plan and 'book' one another in advanced.

Towards the end of the gathering, we sat in a circle to share our reflections and resolutions for 2005. All of us felt that time really flies, as it seemed that the ever first similar gathering we ever had in 2000 at Alice's house was jus not along ago (but it has already been 4 yrs). A few of them poured out their hearts to share their problems, about their struggle in the working life etc. Unfortunately, only a couple of them remain active in Dharma practicings, although all of us are 'products' of NUSBS camps.

Graduating and stepping out into the society to work really turn our life upside down. We can only stay strong and firm, especially during this period of life whereby spiritual support is getting super thin and weak.

A very Cliche` Entry...

No... they are not father and son, nor uncle and newphew. These 2 guys are of the same age! Nhan and Riki (the guy who tipu me), captured on the camera at NUSBS Dharma Camp 2004.

This evening, I pop by Bee Low Sze to check out the juniors, who are having Dharma camp over there. I see that they have found a v nice place at the Dharma hall to engage in group discussions, feedbacks and chit chats. Very cosy, clean and bright.. a very conducive place to build up fellowship. I had my 3 refuges and 5 precepts taken there as well.

As what I have told bean earlier on, I was already feeling very distanced from the society ever since I stepped down from the committee. However, some the guys who are running the show now are extremely friendly and warm - reminds me of the nusbs seniors who impressed me greatly when I was a freshie in NUSBS FOC. I felt very welcomed and cheerful this evening, thanks to Nhan and Sohan for their hospitality (not Hostility). I feel that sometimes we just cant think too much in life, just appreciate whatever come to us, and let go whatever we no longer have - live in the present moment.

Life..... sometimes we know something not good is going to happen, yet we cannot stop it from happening. Sometimes it happens on ourselves, and sometimes it happens on our friends. Cos we are often poisoned by delusions and ignorance, greed and hatred, that we make illogical and impulsive decisions.

We are already born with so much sufferings, why do we wanna add more sufferings to our life? Live a simple life, want less, and love more.

Out-smarted

Yday, I have a new friend, Jing Na (an ex nusbs member), added to my friendster list. I was browsing through her friendster network when I found a familiar face, by the name of Simon. It took me quite sometime before I could recognise him as the guy who sat beside me at I2R lab almost everyday. I was doing my FYP then, while he was having his IA.

When I first saw him at I2R, I already thought this guy look familiar. I later concluded that he must have resembled another BS snr of mine, Chung Fee. We might have sat and see each other everyday but we have nv spoken to each other for the entire semester. As we were both under the digital comms department, I knew he was struggling to understand some basic digital comms concepts, but I have nv lent him a helping hand. Cant blame me cos everyone was so hard press for time on FYP!

Feeling quite guilty of not lending a helping hand to my department jnr, I decided send him a greeting msg yday to ask how his FYP is getting along. I thought it will surely be a surprise for him, having to receive a msg from someone who he has nv spoken too. And yeps, he replied me yday evening annd surprised me instead by saying " Oh, you are gordon from XXX right? I actually know you since the army, but u din seem to recognise me so i din acknowledge you......."

I felt so malu, even though he was not physically around. I must have talked to too many ppl in camp that I have forgotten each and everyone of them. In fact, I have met up with a few guys at Engin canteen who could recognise me from my army unit, but I was unable to remember them. Despite Simon's effort to revive my memory by saying how we have worked together and communicated in the army, it remains blank in my head. I feel so paiseh..

Haha, my initial intention is to give him a gentle surprise, ended up he gave me a surprise instead..... well, my memory is really failing me. Anyway, its a pleasant surprise for me to be able to catch up with an old aquaintance, despite a 5 yr break.

Poor Management

Recently, I have found a new playground to practise my 2.4km run - Temasek Poly running tracks. Temasek Poly has got very modern facilities, with clean, big, and cosy bathrooms, hot showers, water coolers, free parking lots and most importantly, its jus a few km away from my home.

Every time I am there, I will see diff grps of students engaging in diff sports at various corners of the SRC. There would be a huge group practising rock climbing, a second grp playing soccer, another playing rugby, some practising taekwondo etc. Even the basketball and tennis courts are occupied always without fail. The entire campus is so lively, just like a 'younger version' of NUS. I am glad these students have made good use of their student life to engage in campus activities. These are memories that they will bring along with them 10 or 20 yrs down the road, and not those memories tat they have from lecture halls, tutorial rooms or test/exams etc.

I am already approaching the 8th month of my job, already 2/3 of a year. Still, I found myself v weak in terms of my management skills. Everyday, I will have staff knocking on my door requesting for leave, offs, signing of uniform, boots and other equipment, and I would always sign against the 'approved' columns. A senior foreman feedbacked that I am too soft and easy, that my staffs are taking advantage of me to get what they want.

For instance, I have implemented a rule to all my team leaders that they have to put on their ampulets while wearing their uniform. However, most of them refused to listen, despite my repeated reminders (which I think were too gentle). This morning, i was really fed up when i saw some of them without their ampulets, that I shouted and threatened to issue them warning letters. Finally, all of them quickly obeyed the instructions. Well, must we always resort to using the 'cane' before ppl are willing to listen? Quite contrary to what some of my BS jnrs might have perceived me to be, I actually find it really difficult to raise my voice and become fierce. I was certainly not like tat in the army, perhaps I was more pretentious then and acted garang while commanding my platoon.

While I often reprimand my staff that they shld learn to be more courteous and polite while talking to our customers, a foreman argued that they are 'rough' ppl and cannot be changed. He also argued that asking them to be gentle and polite is jus like asking me to be loud, fierce and commanding. I was speechless........

First Reject

Monday blue is slowly creeping in again. Nv felt so sian with mondays in life, not even during my army days. And i din even care about weekends during my campus days.. cos everyday was like the same to me.

This evening, I did not visit Mr Lim's place, but meditated at Ven Vissudhacara's place instead. It's a very peaceful and conducive place that I believe most ppl will be able to meditate well. And i contemplated that I am still pretty much involved in the useless worldly means. In other words, I am still wasting precious time. I meditated and saw images of animal fur, belonging either to a wild beast or mabbe a cat. I couldnt see the entire animal, but thought that the colour of the fur resemble that of my hair, which is now dominantly black with tuffs of golden strands concentrated at the front portion. Mabbe I will be reborn an animal next life? Or worse, banish to hell for my bad karma.

Today, I turned down a close friend's request. Its actually quite normal to turn down ppl, but I have NEVER done it to this friend of mine. Although I know that he would not mind or blame me, but I really surprised myself for this decision I made today, as I couldnt believe that I am NOT answering to his request. Perhaps I have over done it in the past. Well, those who know me better will know that I love buying my friends food.

2 more weeks, my eyes will be undergoing the knives, and I realise some of my friends would not be around then - either going for retreats or camps. Hopefully when I meet u guys the next time, I will be specless, if not, do standby me with a walking stick - touch wood!

Forget me Not

It was a humid night that I decided to change into my singlet and put on my running shoes. I have just been posted to a army new unit, allocated to a new bunk and living with new ppl. By right, I shld be feeling extremely light and happy, having to escape from the monstrous claws of my previous superior, and has just been tasked with very simple office work. But I miss my old camp mates, and I decided to jog to my old unit, which was just across the road.

I jogged towards the parade square and stopped directly in front of my company line. I was looking up into the bunks of my previous company mates, wondering what they were doing. They must be busy preparing for the up coming training exercise at Australia. While I was relieved that I would not need to go through the hassle and hardships training in the oversea forests, my ego was pretty hurt that I was not part of the operational force.

As I was staring up into the bunks, an extremely loud and stern voice pierced through the silence from the corner of the second floor: "Gordon!!! Why are you here at his hour!?" It was Cpt Teddy, my OC (army officer commanding), whose voice really freaked me out. "Why are you still in camp on a friday night when you can go home and enjoy? We wanted to go home also cannot!" With that, he gave me a smile after I told him I miss them all. That was the last time I talk to him.

Barely a week before tat nite, I was in the midst of my 6th-day live round firing at the range when my OC suddenly summon me to see him. He told me that my posting to a new unit has been confirmed, and I could stop my range immediately and return back to my company line. My OC has witnessed how much I suffered under my CSM, who forcefully refused to let me 'go' although an official posting has been issued by MINDEF to let me transfer over to a new unit. My OC has also given me the choice on whether I wish to post out or stay back in the unit to serve as his personal assistant. Touched by his gesture, I chose the latter. However, MINDEF eventually made the final decision that I shld go.

Before I packed my stuffs, carried my rifle and was ready to leave them for good, my OC told me to take a week's off to enjoy myself. I couldnt believe my ears as requesting for even a single day off was already like, so difficult and impossible! I told him I did not have that many days in my OFF record to clear, and he immediately brushed me off by saying " aiyah, i say you can go, means you can go, care so much for what? And you dun have to bother about doing the clearance form, i will get the admin specs to help you do!". I was extremely touched and felt indebted to Cpt Teddy. He was like a strong and powerful arm pulling me out of the shxx that I have been embedded for months or almost a year.

2 weeks later after that jogging nite, I was lying on my bed playing with my nokia 6110 when I received a SMS from a S1 branch clerk. "Sgt Gordon, your OC died in an accident in Australia". I was dumbfolded. The next thing I could recall was seeing his parents crying miserably at the funeral wake. Cpt Teddy was sleeping in his coffin, looking pretty miserable, as if he has suffered great pains from hit by the fallen tree trunk. Days later my army mates flew back from australia to hold a military funeral possession for OC. All of them were dressed smartly in the white coloured army No.1 uniform, but tears were flowing from many of the faces. It was an extremely sad scene.

It has been already 5 years since the fateful 11 Dec 2004. Every year in NUS, I would look forward to the arrival of 11 Dec, which most of the time I would be trapped in the chilly cen lib mugging for exams. Weeks before the date, I would start SMSing everyone to remind them of this date to visit my OC's grave. But I duno why that I actually forgotten about it this year! Fortunately, another camp mate reminded me of the visit few days ago.

My OC has gone forever. And I am glad to see his mother getting more cheerful each year. Life is so unpredictable indeed.

PS: Thanks OWY and Sohan for helping me to wash my car today!

New Couple from NUSBS

NUSBS camps were once well known to be good breeding grounds to produce lovebirds or 'couples', whatever you wish to call it.

In bs foc2000, at least 2-3 couples were formed among the camp organiser/sub-coms etc. In Dharma camp 2000, another 2 couples were born. In Dharma camp 2001, 2 more couples were born. However in DC2003, there was an exception, probably becos fenny separated out the male campers from the female ones in groupings :S And yeah, she really did that for the camp participants except the organisers.

In Dharma Camp 2004, I din really get to hear anything until this evening, I spotted a couple in town, and I couldnt believe my eyes. Either:

1) The love bud took very long to blossom (almost 1 yr since Dharma camp 2003)
2) They are too good in concealing their relationship that none or only few ppl know
3) A lot of ppl already know they are together except me, i am the suaku

I am supposed to feel happy for them, but I actually feel nothing except for a shock. Probably I have witnessed many couples breaking up, esp those from nusbs, that I dun see it as something positive. Anyway, I still have to congratulate them on their new found (or long founded) relationship... afterall, everything is impermanent right?

不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有

断了线

Announcement:

1) Songgechan's blog is up again, with a very neat layout.
2) ae2004's blog had a new skin today, but it seems to turn nuts now.

Few minutes ago, I received a surprise phone call from one of the BS juniors. In fact, he is a freshman from engineering, and I thought its quite interesting that I can still link up with the current yr1s when I am already out from NUS. Thats v nice of him to call up for a chat, and I really very seldom chat on phones.

This jnr told me he is getting quite bored in the hols, and as he had ever heard me talking abt spending time meaningfully while as a student, he asked me wat are the activities he can participate in. Well well..... I told him to grab a C programming book, download a C program and start playing around with it at home :)

And back to the topic on phone calls, I was in NTU few days ago as I started scrolling my handphone contact list. I came across 2 names, whom I used to call and sms very often when i was in the army, but havent contacted for at least 2-3 yrs. One of them is my 'brother' who often tagged along with me in the camp. The other was my 'designated' driver, who would often drive me around to dispatch documents all around singapore army camps, or to fetch recruits to my unit.

Having not contacted them for at least 2-3yrs, I decided to send SMS greetings to them. And noooo, i did not get any reply from them. They must have probably changed their phone numbers, awww... thats the problem of not making effort to keep in touch with old friends. I could have lost them forever.

Well, there seem to be a serious lack in human touch lately. I am stil glad i am part of the golden era.

The baby has grown up!

The baby has grown up! And I think he is still as cute as before...

Same Ans to Same Qn

Recently, spent abt $500 odd on wedding red packets, awww.....

This evening, I attended a wedding dinner - my dad's cousin's son's wedding. As expected, I get to meet many of my aunties, uncles, grandaunts, granduncles and many many more of my dad's cousins etc. And I have been asked the following questions at least 3 to 4 times:

1) When is your turn to invite me to your wedding?

Ans: Not so soon la..

2) Got steady gf already right?

Ans: No, dun have

3) Har? Cannot be lah! I dun believe...

Ans: yayaya~~~~


Well, somebody ever shared this tip with me on how to answer these relatives:

Every year or everytime they meet you, they will ask you these same questions. So its so simple, always reply back the same answers lah!

Transient

Every part of us is transient - be it our mind or body. Whatever teachings I am now agreeing fully, appreciating deeply and strongly encouraging others to follow, may be just valid as for 'now'.

Din you ever encounter certain phases of your life, when you were so sure about something and insisting on its validity, only to laugh at yourself how foolish you were when you did a reflection on it after 5 yrs down the road? But thats the process of growing, I guess.

This is probably why my blog has been gradually transformed into more of a daily reporting diary, recollection of my daily affairs, occasional jotting down of some interesting experiences and encounters, placing reflections to a minimum (here i change again!). I realised that the more I 'write' or 'say' on my reflections, the more 'doctrinised' i become, cos it often doesn come along with my daily practices.

The danger of becoming 'theoretical buddhist'.

I wish to sing a song for you

I thought the song which i use for my background music is very interesting.

Title : Wu Ke Qun
Singer: Wu Ke Qun

The song is name after the singer, who imitated several well known singers like A-do, Andy Lau, Fei Yu Qing, Jay Chou etc. I wud say for certain singers, his imitaton is almost perfect.

Moreover, the lyrics is simple, non-mushy and sincere. Very suitable to sing to our friends or love ones - I wish to sing a song for you, using my own voice, although I am not Eason Chan.

And nope, I do not own the album, neither did i manage to download the song from the net. I merely linked my blog to a 'sample testing' website.

Contamination of the Beauty

Its a beautiful, peaceful and fresh morning, with invigorating air filling up the entire NTU campus. Driving along the avenues, I see hostelites strolling casually along the pavements, clad in comfortable t shirts and shorts. Its like a big holiday ground, with everyone in a relaxing mood. However, mine was soon tainted by the disharmony at home, with my mum complaining to me the moment i stepped into my home.

That is why I dun like to stay at home, but I cant escape for too long too. Its a very heavy burden to bear, more of emotionally than financially.

My manager told me yday that he may be leaving the company soon. He is already on the stage of negotiating his pay with another company. That explains why he has been eagerly helping to fight for pay rise and bonuses, his last effort to help me before he is no longer around.

While his departure from the company is definitely a BAD news for me, I am feeling more happy for him than sad for myself. I really think he needs to go already, having stayed five yrs in his current job. No matter how good the pay, bonuses and benefits he is given here, complacency shld not get over our head and he shld proceed on in life to learn more new stuffs.

Arghh... once he leaves, I will be suffering. Either I have to take over all his job scope (not his designation or pay), or I will be working under a new boss, who definitely doesn know much abt our company but has to sap on me.... Another push factor for me to quit my job fast and pursue my masters.

Kici, when u wanna visit the cemeteries again?

Company Brawl

There has been quite a number of commotions happening at my workplace.

1) A technician, after being ticked off by my manager and me, ran away from work. He was admitted to IMH this morning :s I dun feel sorry for him, call me heartless or whatever, but there shldnt be any compromising in work attitude.

2) There are 8 admin ladies seated directly outside my office, directly under my charge. Their age range is from late 20s to early 40s. I do not really interact much with them except for the 2 coordinators. I thought I was lucky cos these ladies do not give me much problems among themselves, although i have heard of some under currents going around. However the hell finally break loose... one of them barged into my office angrily to complain the other. The next moment, the other one came in to complain the earlier one. Ladies.......pls give me some peace....

3) There is a young and very beautiful graduate gal at my work place is very popular, esp among the guys. A lot of ppl praise her for being very competent and commended her on her soft skills. She is in charged of preparing ppt slides for a presentation today. This morning, another female colleague rushed into my office, asking me to help her make some last min changes to a presentation slide, and then use my PC to send it over to the first gal. As the presentation is this afternoon, the first gal got very frustrated and reprimanded me via email for 'always being so last minute'.

I felt wronged as i was merely helping someone else to do the work, plus i have never made any 'last minute request' from her before. In addition to the stress I was under having to rush out a report by today, I ticked her off in my reply and mass mail to those big shots who were responsible for the last min changes.

"Aiya.... i din know he take it so personally mah" was her reply to another colleauge. Bullshit la! Other guys may suck up to you and take your nonsense, but NOT me! But I know i am of no match to her in the company, cos everyone, both guys and gals, like pretty gals and fend for them.............

Damm sian

Back to Studies?

I have made a new decision, yet again. No more MOE this time, but I have decided to apply for masters to further my studies. After attending the courses at ITE, I really appreciate education and realise its importance in the society.

When I was in NUS yr1, I attended a dharma talk by venerable at Buddhist Library. Of cos I dare not blame her for my not-so-outstanding NUS results, but I must say her words did make an impactful change in my attitude towards education. I remember vividly that the venerable said: I can give you a basket of Ace, but whats the use? Its the learning process, not the final results.

Subsequently, I confused myself further with buddhism teachings on letting go and not attached to status and material means. And probably becos I din really do well for my first exams, I began to 'deceive' myself that its ALRIGHT not to do well for exams. Unlike my JC days, I no longer fight as hard for my results and also dun take pride in my sch work. Semesters after semesters, I just squirm my way through to achieve minimum acceptable grades, as acheiving Ace seems both so impossible and unimportant.

What I din realise that mugging hard and trying your best to do well in exams is also a form of challenge, a test on your own capabilities and a good form of training. Furthermore, getting a better/higher degree pushes you up to a higher status in the society. And having a higher societal status allows u to do things easier, be it helping yourself, others or propagating the Dharma. Very gd examples are Dr Ang, Dr Ng Yee Kong etc. Big companies are giving them face to sponsor the poor STIBS.

On the downside, furthering my studies means i got no more income. Firstly, I am not eligible for the scholarships anymore, plus its v hard to fight for the study awards. Under the encouragement of my ex who is pursuing her PhD now, I have decided to go ahead for the master program ONLY if i am able to obtain the sponsorship. No money no talk la. . .tats the world.

An alternative is to obtain a diploma on an non-engineering field. I feel its more important to broaden yourself, rather than deepen yourself in the society.

(o . o)

This morning, I read some army P.Tekong ghost stories, leading me to recall my BMT days. I duno why but I suddenly remember one of the sergeants that treated me very well during my recruit days. However, I cant remember exactly how he look like, neither do I have any slightest clue of his name. But deep in my heart, I am very thankful to him for not bullying us but instead, take very good care of us.

I have another platoon sergeant who treated us very well too. He has a rather child-like character, quite fit and talks a lot. I once misfired my M16 weapon during range, and was supposed to undergo a severe punishment. However, he helped me cover-up my punishment and insisted that I dun bring it up to any of my officers. After leaving tekong and spending 2yr plus on other camps, I have never seen him once. Sometimes, I really hope I could bump into him on the streets or on MRT, just to thank him personally for being so kind to us.

However, the world is so big, the chances of meeting up with someone is too small and almost unrealistic. I only heard from some BMT mates that he has turned into an insurance agent. And surprisingly, I did really bump into him one day on the train!!! But he has grown much fatter and looked rather digusting, unlike the fit and lively platoon sergeant he used to be. And I could hear him promoting insurance to a lady beside him. Gosh, the first thing that came to my mind was to run away.... I guess human beings are so strange... i once hope to meet up with him so much, and when I really got the chance, I siam him instead.

And yeah, I couldnt believe it that my ITE stinct has come to a final end. I had my final presentation yday and unfortunately, my thumbdrive failed me during the critical moment. Hence, I have no ppt slides and have to use flip chart and markers for my presentation instead. It was really a test on my lin chang biao xian.

Yday's session ended in a rather solemn atmosphere, as we all know we wudn be greeting one another "Bye Bye, Seeya tmr!" anymore like the previous days. We have already been so used to going for canteen breaks together, having discussion sessions, team building games etc. We all know we probably wun be seeing one another anymore, or at least not in the near future. I really enjoyed my final course tremendous, and I come up with a conclusion: Its always the PEOPLE that makes the difference! My course mates were young ppl like me, and all of them are very spontaneous, sporting and sociable.

Too much Jap Food these days.... had quite a number of jap food at NTU canteen A with didi over the past few weeks. Yday, ate YIH Genki Sushi with smallbro ong after our swim, and continued our jap food craze at cuppage centre this evening. I find jap food really healthy, but costly too lar... But I guess I am a typical Chinese guy, who is most willing to spend big bucks on FOOD, but not on clothings and accessories...

Awww.... tats why I need the following but then am unwillng to spend on them :
1)A wallet (its torn)
2)A pair of slip on shoes (they are torn)
3)A pair of swimming goggles (the lenses are blur + joint broken)

Thanks for the Break!

Well, the gal in my ite class is attached as mentioned in my blog comment. But still, I feel the class dynamic is marvellous. I am going to miss them soon, as tmr will be the last day.

This morning, I had my first presentation. By right, presentation shld be something 'chicken feet' to most uni students. However, the requirement set by ITE is slightly more stringent. The presentation is not just limited to disseminating info to the class, but also to stimulate their thinking and engage them into discussions. Sounds more like faciliating a dharma circle.... except that we need to do powerpoint presentation as well as demonstrations.

Being over-confident with my own presentation skills, I kinda over-estimated myself by setting aside only one evening for the entire presentation preparation. And gosh.. i found myself starting work straight after dinner all the way till midnight. And wats worse, I din even do any rehearsing before I turned in to sleep, as I was simply too shag.

In the past, I always practised a lot for prior to my actual presentation. I would make sure that my delivery is smooth and the right choices of words were used. However this morning, I went ahead to do my presentation without any prior rehearsal. And surprisingly, it turned out to be pretty smooth. I guess my trainer was right. He told us not to over-prepare our presentation, as that will make it very rigid. Instead, we should just familiarise ourselves with our slides, DO NOT prepare any speech, but speak everything from our heart. And the topic I chose was "Meditation". This is indeed my very first attempt to 'speak from heart' and not 'speak by hard'.

Oh yeah, my honeymoon period will be over soon.... tmr marks the end of my ITE days, and I will be packing my bag back to work at Loyang. I have lost count the number of times i visited NUS and NTU campuses, and must have caused much disturbances to the NTUBS ppl esp at their halls. Thanks for bringing me back closer to my 'terribly-missed' campus life, and allowing me to take a break from work.

Well, is the break long enough? I duno, but I guess I shld be thankful and contented.

SHE

Today, I started a new course at ITE, and the class turned out to be very fun. In fact, I did not even hold any expectation for the class prior to today as I have already lost the fire and excitment in me attending courses at ITE. However, it was a pleasant surprise today for me, as the class is not only small, but everyone is extremely sociable and chatty. Its only the first 2 meals and everyone started squeezing together at one big table for makan.

And yeah, finally on the 3rd course, there are chiobus in my class. And I am not talking abt 1 or 2, but 3 of them! In the past, my class comprised mainly aunties, and even the younger ones are jus so so or cannot make it. But today, the 3 young gals really look above average. There is this 4th one, young also but her looks are more plain, more like a xiaomeimei. But then among the 3, there is one that managed to make my heart jump a little bit faster.

Haha old habits die hard, I immediately 'searched' for on icq after turning on my PC at home. Thanks god she has a very unique name, i managed to find her, ahhaha! But she isnt online yet.... sighz. Scarli she is in invisible mode, and doesn wanna appear online to me, then tmr I see her will be damm malu. Perhaps I shld ask for her hp num by the end of the course.

For the entire day today, our eyes met a few times, and she would give me those very shy + uneasy smiles. Well well....... Someone ever told me that if you dyingly wish something to happen, then every single thing u see or hear will seem 'in line' with what you wanted it to be. It may turn out to be a fake reinforcement of your wish afterall. Anyway, just simply enjoy the process and not the final product. I know where I want and am heading to and so the final outcome will still be the same.... larrr.

Just finished watching the channel 8 variety show with my mum. I watched it becos SHE was on the show tonite... and wah piangz, i nearly fainted watching abt 5-6 grp of gals imitating SHE. I think some of these grps shldnt call themselves SHE but FAT. Not only are they fat, ugly but cannot dance & sing. I wonder if any foreigners were to turn on our national TV, they will be given the wrong idea how come singapore gals all look so ugly & terrible one ah? Nevertheless, there are still a handful of good ones, who can sing really well, esp the 3 12-yr old gals, who sang amazingly well at their age.

Alrite, i think too much of critics and harsh words tonite. Just feel very different whenever i am injected with a diff emotion during the day.

Nangis

Booohoooo...... riki nangis?

No la, riki s not crying, but merely shag out from stand-by-relics for the entire day at BL funfair. Echoing Oranda Olinda Ananda's msn nick, Sadhu to all helpers at BL funfair today. Good karma will support you in your future life.

Although I have mentioned about sighting of some entities at my home, but pls do not be afraid to come to my house. My room is still relatively brighter than most places, with a nice calm looking buddha statue watching over the room. And i strongly most imptly is still yourself.. keep ur spirits up by doing regular chantings, meditations and prostrations (as if i am doing that). Whoever wish to come to my house overnight and take a breathe at the morning reservoir air are most welcomed.

Oh yes, thank you to birdtan for letting me have his mattress.



Olinda aka Ananda aka Orandan aka Siaolang at Mr lim's house, sitting next to the ever-striking-the-same-pose riki. Meditation seems to have become only a pastime to me, instead of something compulsory in life.

Tmr I am still on course at ITE. Fortunately I am not going back to work, if not i will be super sian now. But then, wunt I have to face the music when i get back to work next week? Well, thats life...... life gets less and less meaningful when it gets more and more routined. No freedom and freeplay to do whatever you like, not much chance to create and carve the way you want it to be.

无能为力

Currently my fave song is "无能为力" by Zhang Jing Xuan. But i am not talking about the lyrics yet, its just that I find the melody very nice.

Also, I think the title itself is meaningful enough. I reminded myself that there are many a times that we are really 无能为力 with the situation we are in. V often, we are always in a rush to get ourselves out of the mud. Sometimes, we just have to flow along with the river, and not struggle too hard against the flow or get ourselves out of the situation.

I also reminded myself that a lot of things take time and patience, before we can get ourselves in the situation we wanna be in. We have forgotten to rest, or show compassion to ourselves. We used up too much strength that we ended up exhausted.

And in life, we cannot always expect everything to be in favour of us. We must accept that there are must be fair share of happiness, sadness, enjoyment & disappointment in our lives.

And remember, there are many things we are 无能为力. So how? Be patient and work for a better tommorow la!

Its Pure Sadness

"Its not frightening at all. Its pure sadness....." Quoted from Jane, who commented on the story I posted earlier on. I couldnt agree more. I decided to make my way to nanyang lake just now to get a feel of the atmosphere. Thanks to kichi for guiding me the way there.

I couldnt help but relate an almost past incident. I happened to chance upon some very well hidden WWII bunkers in NUS campus. Its an almost inaccessible site to the public, but somehow some karmic forces brought me there, as I bashed into the woods via Kent Ridge Road. I brought myself back to the bunkers the very next day after finding out its history. I tend to feel a lot of such places.... hmmm

3 more hectic days to go before I end the week. Today, my boss was complaining to me how stressful and heavy his work load is. Waseh... its really a less money but more work society we are getting on. Ppl out there who are inspired to ordain, pls go ahead and make plans for it. Its aint worth sloughing in the society like this.. unless u r badly in debts like me.

Its indeed pure sadness....... paradise? Its within our heart.

My Nokia 6610i

I am now holding on to my dearest newly bought nokia 6610i. Its so nice, its so beautiful. I am going to hug it to sleep tonight. Just like driving which I have to keep my sight on the rear mirror every 5 seconds, my eyes will be on my nokia every 5 seconds too. Aww.... my dearest nokia 6610i, I just cant keep my hands and eyes off you. Hahahahaha!!!!

I have this unexplainatory funny feeling in me this evening. Its not exactly those extreme negative ones which can be used to predict bad things that will happen tmr. Its somewhat like a huge pang of doubt stuffing within.

Anyway, I realise that I have been drifting away from the Dharma. And no, i am feeling no urgency to get myself back 'on track' to embrace the Dharma. In fact, I shldnt judge myself or anyone, or even have the slightest thought on which level or how far i/he/she have advanced in Dharma cultivation.

I ever thought that I shld take a 'break' from cultivation. But I later laughed at myself for being so ignorant, of seeing cultivation as an enforcement to myself, or perhaps a jail to keep myself improving. Thats not the way.... tats all the wrong views that keep us going in cycles.

Back to the ghost story in my earlier entry. Whats your first impression when u read it? Do you treat is just like any other ghost stories? If your are compassionate enough, you should be feeling sorry, or at least something for the poor soul, that has been hunting around of her bf in the campus halls. If the story is really true, may you be well and happy, and have an early good rebirth.

Visit to Mr Lim's House

With regard to my previous entry, I got a huge collection of ghost stories from all over - friends, internet, and self experiences. I almost forgot tat I was once labelled as a good ghost story teller by some NUSBS jnr gals some 3 yrs back. It started all becos of some unpleasant encounters some snrs and I had while planning for FOC2001 at Sci Faculty.

What triggered me off to get back to ghost stories was due to a conversation with songgechan & teddy last week at NTU. They seemed to be v interested in ghost stories too, esp the former, who was following closely to one ghost story website. Anyway, the very few movies i watched in recent yrs were the ghost ones - The Ring, Juon 1 & 2 etc.

This evening, I visited Mr Lim's house as usual for meditation. Had a very nice and pleasant sitting, although I only managed to settled down into concentration after half an hr. The earlier half was a tough struggle. Thanks to the several swimming sessions I have over the past week, I dun feel much pains or sores over my body this evening.

After leaving Mr Lim's house, I visited Mr Lim Lang Siao (Lin Ren Feng) aka Lim Siao Lang's house at AMK. A very big house, very conveniently located with KFC, Long John Silver and Mac within very short walking distance. A good place, dun move out la... some more got free automatic alarm clocks. I shant thank him for the 'invitation' to his house since its a self invitation I requested myself, haha.

A fren just msged me a pretty vague sms, didnt sound too good. I hope my friend is alright. May you tide over the tough time. And hopefully the very-long-time-never-mention smallbro Ong has fully recovered from his fever. Hey manz, everytime I fell ill prior to exams, i sure can do very well after that. Good luck for ur exams!

Searching for ae2004???

Two student couples were chatting about love late at night at about 3:00a.m near a lake in a university campus in singapore. The girl asked the boy "Do you really love me?" Then the boy feeling shy don't want to answer her. But she felt frustrated by her boyfriend's behaviour got up nervously and suddenly lost balance and fell in the lake which is very deep and she cannot swim and neither can her boyfriend. The boy stood there helplessly in a state of shock watching her drown. He later called the police and ambulance to find the corpse but her body could not be found. He felt deeply terrible about himself after the tragedy.

Two days later in the hostel of hall X, he hear 4 soft knocks on his door about 3:00a.m and his hair went up when he heard the voice of her girlfriend saying "Darling are you in the room". He was so scared he could not scream at all but jumped on his bed and trembled. Every night about 3:00a.m, he heard the 4 soft knocks on the door and the voice saying" Are you inside the room?". As usual he jumped on his bed and hide trembling under his blanket. After a week, he decided to go to the hostel officer and asked for a change of Hall of residence.

For 2 months, he never heard anything then suddenly, he heard four soft knocks again on his door around 3:00a.m and the voice of his dead girlfriend. This time he is so scared he went to hide under the bed and to his terror, he saw two horrible white eyes covered with wet hair looking at him from the space below the door and the voice yelled " OH IT'S YOU, OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, DO YOU STILL LOVE ME OR NOT, OPEN I SAY!" and the thing outside the door gave huge bangs on the door like wanting to break it and then after a few minutes of hard knocks on the door by the creature, the poor boy fainted below the bed.

The creature had been knocking on each hostel door to look for his boyfriend and finally managed to find him. The creature has been moving around hostels upside down with the head on the floor and feet upwards.

They said that every night, the dead girl's roommate saw wet footprints in her room and the bed of her dead roommate is always wet as from 3:00a.m everynight...........

Exams

The entire campus is mugging. The daily routine of reporting to the library early in the morning to chop the good seats, reporting to Arts canteen for lunch, reporting back to library to mug, reporting back to Arts canteen for dinner, reporting back to library to mug, reporting back to hall to sleep. The next day begins...

Sometimes, the routined lifestyle is disrupted by public holidays. Everyone will be worried about their meals, since all the campus canteens are not opened. Most of the time, ppl wud walk to Fong Seng or NUH. Mac Donald's came pretty much later but most ppl soon got very sick with fastfood.

Remember those days where almost the entire corner of cen lib level 4 would be occupied by BS ppl & frens - as many as 20 over of them. We even spiced up our mugging days by wearing the same BS t shirt on the same day for different days. One day, we would all be in dark blue, the next day all in black, and not to forget the striking yellow Tee...

Meal time wud be the most fun time, a break from the long hrs of mugging in the freezing cold library. Remembered talking and laughing non stop at the canteen, often very reluctant to return our plates to the collection point and proceed back to the lib for study.

As the exam period goes by, less and less ppl would remain in the mugging group as one by one, the ppl were finishing with their exams. Engin was always the last... and hence, I was always among the last few left mugging in the library. Sunset is always the most beautiful scenery from cen lib level 6 - and i witnessed the gradual facelift of NUS cen lib from the 1980s to the modern 2003 design.

Work hard everyone, yeah?

如来神掌

This evening, I went out with my engin friends (plus their gf/bf)at Bugis. During the chats, I heard them mention about "如来神掌". It is a term which I havent heard for many years, and I recalled tat I used to love playing around with my kid frens and pretending we have the "如来神掌" kungfu

It nv occur to me that something is wrong with this term until this evening. How can 如来 be associated with 神? In fact, its also wrong to use 如来 together with 佛 (as in 如来佛). It may be just names but I think as a buddhist, I shld be using the terms correctly.

And yes, I have to thanks Jane for her 'offer' to send Bryan home.... Thanks leh Jane. Haha, but really thanks to her for inviting me to join the birthday dinner. These ppl are my project mates but I havent been mixing with them much ever since we completed our HRM module. Sometimes, I feel a bit guilty and wudnt be surprised if someone were to label me as a 见风使舵 or 过桥抽板 kind of person. But of cos thats not true to me....

I am reporting back to work, and although its jus another day to weekend, I could feel the immense sianness in me having to go back to work. There is actually nothing with my job, pay is quite good, job scope not very tough and stressful, ppl are nice, but I just dread working life. Perhaps i have enjoyed freedom in my life too much in the past that I am unable to accept working life.

Was telling bryan on our way back that it has never occured to me that my family wud one day need my financial support, like now. Just barely months before I graduated from NUS, I thought it is not a problem for me to take a yr's leave to go overseas and experience life and such. I nv thought my I wud need to work and earn money to support my family tat urgently. I nv thought my family 'would ever need me'.... as a results, a lot of dreams were crushed or have to be put on hold..

But no, i am not complaining about my life. I still feel that I am enjoying my good karma of getting almost everything I need. Perhaps in time to come, I would gradually feel that more things are missing in my life.

LOTR

Bumping around

Lately, I can feel the motivation in me to update my blog everyday. I do not know the precise reason, but I guess it has to do with my mood. And my intention and motivation to write blog varies from time to time.

In the past, I used to write blog (easyjournal) as a form of self reflection. Gradually, my blog mutated into something like a diary, keeping my friends updated of myself. Subsequently, my blog became tainted with undesirable elements of hatred and ignorance. It became a channel for me to voice out my displeasures, vent my frustrations, and sometimes sending under current msgs to certain ppl, whom i know will read my blog.

And now, blog writing is more like a past time which I no longer take it seriously. The words which you read now are more like blabberings from me, occasionally accompained with some interesting pics to break the monotony of the page. Things written here shld be read and forgotten.... its really just like a past time.

My 2nd course at ITE ended today. Time flies amazingly + freakingly fast. Jus days ago, we were strangers sitting side by side, followed by engaging in several group proj & discussions. Today, everyone was bidding each other farewell with exhanging of name cards. And we all know that probably we wun get to see one another ever again this life. Tats life - ever changing.

Went over to nus campus this afternoon as my course ended by lunch time. Parked my car at engin and walked to the Arts canteen. The distance seemed to be much longer than the past, probably becos I have been walking blindly almost everyday in the past, without paying attention to the things in my path - so the distance seemed shorter then. Along the way, I thought I saw some familiar faces ie. Edward dashing across the engin bridge, Mingxin on service A1, but of cos all these were nothing but illusions. All those faces which I see almost everyday in campus last time are gone for good.

...but in the end saw funnybean who was on her way to go shopping from campus!?

If the 'theory' I heard is true, I shld live no older than 45 yr old. I have ever written abt this in my previous blog entry, and I may write again to explain why I believe its true.

Hao Lei Ah

My eyes are straining as I type this blog. It has been such a tiring day. But as my day gets more interesting, I tend to write more.

My course today at ITE kinda turned better, as there were more laughters and interactions among the course mates. Yeah, I love to be in an environment whereby everyone started off as a stranger, and gradually get to bond and gel up as the days progress. Similarly for my previous stays in hostel/hall, I wouldnt mind allocated to a cluster or floor whereby I duno anyone. Its always nice to leave the comfortzone and get to know the ppl.

There are a total of 17 ppl in my present course, and most of them hold snr posts at their work place. Comparatively, I am the most green and inexperienced guy around. And because of the posts they are holding, I find that these ppl tend to be very pressing, persistent and strong on their personal views. Probably they are too used to commanding and teaching ppl at their work place.

On comparison with my previous course, my former course mates were a much gentler and friendly lot. Probably the class size matters too (there were only 12 of us then), everyone was able to communicate very well, and we even crowd around one huge table for meals. There are cliques in my present course now, which I dislike most.

After my course today, I rushed down to NUS to help prepare for the exam dinner. Have to go Georgie Mart to purchase another bottle of syrup which was eventually not even consumed. Nevertheless, I thought Chin Lee (and whoever helped her) has planned the event pretty well, as everything was going smooth and fine. Well done really....

Sent a BS snr home and the journey was...... however, we had a good chat over certain issues. And I found out that he enjoys the same drama as me - Jie Da Huan Xi, which is probably the only drama i have watched (and has the appeal to keep me watching) in recent years.

Just completed some my course assignments which is due tmr. Will try to complete the rest tmr morning before my lesson starts. Really shag out..

One more baby

Here comes one more baby - daughter of my cousin (biao jie). This evening, I attended a wedding dinner of one of my cousins. As I have mentioned earlier, the liking of babies runs in the blood of my family. Everyone in the family, esp my youngest and 4th aunt, were 'snatching' to carry the poor baby.

Today, I attended another course at ITE. I realise that whenever I pinned up too high a hope on certain events/functions, the end results would always be disappointing. On the other hand, if I were to lower my expectation on certain things, the end results will always turn out to be much better. Last evening, I was feeling quite sian abt attending the course today at ITE. Hence, I thought today would be fine, but it turned out to be even more sian than I have expected it to be....

Well, if you (a general you) think just becos you r an undergrad or graduate, you will be smarter and better than the rest of the society, then u have to think twice. Most of my fellow course mates at ITE are not graduates, but ppl of age around 40-60. However, the way they present themselves and argue their way through during the course win me hands down...... damm impressed. I guess experience really counts much more than the theories we have learnt in uni.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Akaaaa Ananda.... celebrating your 8th or 9th bday?

The In Hairstyle

Presenting the 4 botaks of NTUBS, courtesy of Sumantri's nokia camera phone.

Unlike the previous sundays, I have no activity today. Hence, I decided to drive down to NTU campus and enjoy the peacefulness there. Thanks to the surrounding quiet environment, which comprises several large cemetries of the muslim, catholics, christian and chinese, plus huge acres of forested training ground for the army + the live firing area. If you dun believe, take a look at the singapore map. NTU is jus next to a large piece of rural green.

Tried the SRC for the first time. The pool is extremely clean (nus one is also clean), which is the reason why I nv like to visit the public pools ever since I entered NUS. Furthermore, there were very few swimmers, which make undisturbed lap swimming possible. One advantage over NUS pool is that the water is not as chlorinated. The air seems to be fresher too, unlike NUS pool which is located next to AYE.

After which, I found myself a quiet & shady carpark at SIMTECH to wash my car. Its not about saving water (anyway, my fuel of travelling to ntu cost much more than the water), but the convenience of reaching the water supply. With the tap just a few steps away, I was able to give my partner a thorough clean under the hot yet shady + peaceful + quiet afternoon. I have spent very long hrs washing my previous cars (both of which were white) in PGP, but this is the very first time I did for partner since i have it 4 months ago.

This evening, I have my usual meditation session with Teddy, Ananda and Melvin. I am getting more comfortable with Mr Lim's place as the weeks go by. I have been to quite a few other meditation sessions but Mr Lim one is rather different. After every sitting, there will be a mini makan session, which I thought is a pretty good idea. Buddhism is not always about sitting + chanting + discussion of Dharma anyway, thats far too dry to attract ppl living in the urban city like us.

Anyway, I enjoyed myself today. Havent felt so light for such a long time, hopefully the coming course I am attending tmr will be a good one. ITE is afterall not as fun as I perceived it to be....

Too much thoughts

Nowadays, I seldom update my blog as often, not because I have nothing much to write. In fact, I have too much thoughts in my mind that I duno which to pen down. In the end, I decided to let them go, and pen down only when I feel like doing so.

Last evening, I attended the 2nd half of the meditation session at PGP. The number of participants were small, and most were unfamiliar faces. Isnt it a wonderful feeling staying in campus, where you can clad simply in your comfortable t-shirt, sandles, hop down to the function room to attend evening Dharma sessions? Life as a student has tat freedom to do the things you like.... but many ppl are not appreciating campus life.

Last evening, I had a pretty long chat with Ven Fa Rong from Sagaramudra Buddhist Society in my mini van. Ven Fa Rong is the very first venerable that i 'befriended' and interacted with this life. I remember him vividly as the monk by the receptionist counter, asking for my name when I stepped into the old Hai Yin temple 4 yrs ago. Subsequently, I attended a meditation course conducted by him, and he brought me and a few bs friends to a meditation retreat at Batu Pahat some time later.

When asked if he remember the guy whom I brought to see him to 'read' his life, he said yes. But when I ask if he know he the same guy that fetched him home in taxi every week for the past month after the PGP meditation session, his answer was negative. Well, he must have grown so much that Shifu was unable to connect the 'two person' as one.

I asked shifu if its good to find out more about our life through some special techniques of readings and such, his answer was positive. Shifu said that it can help us better prepare for any coming misfortunes and realise our own weaknessess and strengths. However, i concluded that it must be done sparingly, and not to the extent of 'greed'. Sometimes, ignorance is a bliss, as we flow along with the karmic river. I was once a victim of fortunte telling, and i suffered from lack of confidence and paranoid after that.

All these tellings can be superbly accurate and true, but it really doesn help me but gave me adverse effects instead. I must say its due to 'improper handling'. Anyway, I believe Buddha didnt encourage us to engage in fortune telling or anything along the line.

I told shifu I have this special psychic power. I have ever told this to a couple of close friends, but they either thought i was bullsxxing, or i was just overly sensitive. Since yrs ago, I found myself able to predict certain things that are going to happen. However, the things which I anticipated are mostly those negative ones, which adds on to the sufferings of my life instead of helping me. Anyway, I know that its very bad karma to claim that you have certain powers when u havent got them. So I seek advice from shifu last evening cos I really hope I can get rid of such unpleasant powers.

I have waited for this weekend since a month ago. Next week, i will be back to ITE dover for courses until the end of the month. However, I did not leave my office high spirited last evening as I was caught up with too much work undone. A lot of tasks seem to be in a mess, and I surprised myself by having thoughts of not wanting to go ITE next week but come back to work. Thats funny, and thats our human mind.

When you dun have it, u want it a lot. When you have it finally, u dun feel anything special, and may not even want it anymore.

Turn On the Radio

"Turn on the radio and listen to the news! Cos blah blah gonna win and u gotta lose! So back, back, back to your seat, cos blah blah gonna win and u gotta lose!"

The above cheer was much often used in my sec sch days during inter-department games and such. And yes, I am back to listening to the radio after a long break of 10 years.

I used to place a small radio set on my studying desk, and I would listen to 93.3FM every evening without fail. The radio set came with a cassette recorder. At all times, a cassette tape would be put on stand-by to prepare me to record any nice songs heard over the radio. Every evening, I would listen to the song dedications sent by students islandwide and a handful from Malaysia. Its a nice feeling hearing all the well wishes from ppl, and I could feel countless of students mugging hard alongside with me. Such a routined lifestyle took place hroughout my late pri sch and early sec sch days.

I took a complete break from the FM after entering the JC, and didn get the chance to listen to the radio in the army. When I was in NUS, I did not bring along any FM set with me to my hostel. A mini breakthrough occured after I bought my Nokia 8310, which come with the FM function. However, I only listen to Symphony 92.4FM during my study for examination in the library. Not so much of listening to the music, but to shield myself away from the distractions and noise made by others.

Now, I am back to a 'routined' lifestyle, staying at home with my hi-fi set placed next to my PC. Its just out of convenience that I switch it on to listen to the radio every evening. The voice of the deejays sound unfamiliar, and the ppl who dedicated the songs every evening are of age much younger than me now.

I used to listen to the chinese pop songs without paying much attention to the lyrics. I would be hymning the tunes for countless of times and yet I din know what the song was really about. Now, I tend to pay more attention to the lyrics. Very often, I would encounter a handful of songs which I feel the composer must have experienced quite a bit before he/she can write such touching, meaningful and wonderful lyrics. And perhaps its also due to my personal experiences I have gained over the past decade, that I can finally get to understand and appreciate some of the lyrics written.

Most of the song dedications nowadays seem to be from ppl troubled with love. Sighz...

Just Do It

Within 24hrs after putting the baby pic on my msn, I received many messages asking me who the baby belongs to. Almost everyone commented that the baby is extremely cute. Yeah, I couldnt agree more. And all of a sudden after having this baby's pic, i find those babies photos I previously have no longer cute! Thats how fast our mind changes.

I read the blogs of some of my friends and found most of them melancholic. I take a look on my MSN list, and found several 'negative' nicks too, most suggesting 'life sux' or something along the line. Life is indeed full of sufferings.

Last evening, I listened to Mr Lim, as he introduced the Sayagyi tradition to some of us. I learnt that his root teacher has a different approach from the Sayadaw Pak Auk tradition. The latter emphasized a lot on attaining Jhana on the early stage of practice, while the earlier does not. His explaination on 'why not Jhana first' has kinda further unlock the doubt tat I always have in my mind. However, I shldn't not be making any conclusion or guesses.

I always have a greater affinity towards female teachers (ie. Nuns) compared to monks or male teachers (you-should-know-who). Hence, I have to admit I wasnt particularly impressed or motivated by Mr Lim, even after seeing twice. However, some of his words were really very true and meaningful to me. He advised that we shouldnt be too concerned on where we are getting, how good are we, and doing meaningless comparisons on the different traditions, techniques or teachings of buddhism ie. which is better than which. There is no such thing as 'which is better', and his advice is 'just do what you can'!

I was once a victim of being too eager to find out which tradition suits me better, or which path I should take. I was also too concerned on my 'progress', which directly hinders my progress. Paramis not enough, say and think too much also no use. So, Just Do It.

Babies Babies Everywhere

Today, I have the chance to play with 2 babies.

The first baby is the daughter of my manager, who brought her to my house today (see pics above). This 8-mth old baby is extremely active, who kept moving her hands and kicking her legs. I pretended that i wanna carry her and she struggled forward away from her mum, wanting to let me carry. The baby was laughing throughout but silently. And when I sent them off, the smiles from the baby's face suddenly wiped off at the instant the mum closed the car door, hopefully she didnt cry later.

The second baby I played with belongs to a couple whom i met on a bus journey back home from the meditation session at Ocean Park. This baby is probably about 5mth old, much smaller than my manager's. As the couple was sitting directly one seat infront of me, the baby was facing me throughout the journey. The baby kept looking at me, and her shrieking baby sound/laughters filled up the entire bus each time I make funny faces at her. The parents also turned back and smile at me occasionally. Haha, this baby is even cuter than the one I played earlier.

I think it flows in the family blood. I know my relatives, my 3rd and 4th aunt in particular, love babies extremely. During every chinese new year gathering, they will be the ones carrying the available babies (either from my younger uncle or older cousins) throughout the day, be it the babies were awake or asleep. They never give chance for the baby to sleep on the bed or sarong, haha. And yes, i am also crazy over babies.

Meditation this evening wasnt good, day fream a lot....

No Suitable Title

Our lives change a lot after graduation and joining the workforce. The 9 of us used to be able to meet up for gatherings easily, but now its so difficult to get everyone together.

In the past, we could easily settle dates for chalets, ubin cycling and other outings, as we shared the same schedule of sch exams and holidays. Now, we have ppl working on shifts, some going occasional overseas trips etc. In fact, I was able to attend a BBQ from this grp of friends not long ago as I was stuck in Camp Sadhu. Finally tonight, everyone was free enough to meet up for a birthday celebration. Its indeed a very precious night for working adults like us.

Few days ago, I stood up from my office chair and heard a tinkling sound - Some tiny metal object must have fallen onto the ground. I looked around and found myself 'unbuckled'. Waraozz... the buckle of my belt has loosen off as one of the screw came off. I tried to repair on spot and it seems the belt could only tahan for a short while more. This evening, I received a birthday present from this grp of friend, and it turned out to be a Pierre Cardin Belt! The belt really come at the right time, thanks to my friends.

Last few evenings, I found my mailbox flooded with mails and mails and mails, mostly from the various buddhist yahoogroups. In the past, I will bother to read and browse every single one before I delete them. But I was really fed up lately that i simply deleted some of them without giving a second look.

But dun get me wrong, I still welcome meaningful forwarded mails of buddhist quotes, abstracts or write-ups by some renowned + wise ppl. But NOT those meaningless exchanges of personal views or deliberate displaying of personal knowledge on buddhism. The funny thing is that I observe there are ppl who only love to write and talk a lot, hoping others will read and accept their views, yet they will end their emails not wanting ppl to 'further discuss' the issue anymore. It only shows that these ppl have poor listening skills, as the only want to talk but dun want to listen and accept other ppl's views. At least thats what our ex P Vincent thought so too. Sometimes, I just feel like emailing these ppl to shut up and leave the yahoogroups alone, and keep their email exchanges personal.

Meditation tmr, akaaa?

My Unhappy Eyes

This is supposed to be a sequel to the previous entry, but I shall not linger too much on fatness....

A day after I wrote the earlier entry, my manager asked me: "Gordon, have you put on a lot of weight recently?" I replied: "NO! I have always been so fat', but there is no way my boss is going to believe me. "No la, i dun remember you being like that last time..." Haha.

I have been extremely lazy lately, jogging only once per week. Moreover ever since i started working, I have been drinking can-drinks every working days without fail while having lunch with my colleagues. It has never been my liking to take sweet drinks, but I have no choice, as it will be embarrassing if i dun 'participate' in the culture in which my colleagues take turn to treat one another drinks everyday. Finally this week, I told my colleagues that I will give all can drinks a miss and stick back to my Nalgene water bottle once again, like those days I had in NUS. Its indeed very funny to see a working adult carrying a water bottle around at the eating places, but ....I dun care for now.

This morning, I went to Singapore National Eye Centre for my eye assessment. After a brief inspection on my eyes, the doctor could straight away tell that I have been wearing contact lenses for a long time. Indeed, i started contact lenses since sec1, which is abt 13yrs ago. He told me that all my blood vessels are growing in very abnormal position which is highly unhealthly. Strangely, I do not really feel uneasy or uncomfortable with contact lenses, so i din know my eyes have been suffering. Walaos, after hearing wat he told me today, i doubt i will wear them again.

The doctor also commented that my cornea is too thin, so I cant do the normal wavefront surgery. Hence, I have to pay slightly more to do a more complicated technology which he assured will give equal excellent results. He said based on past results, abt 95% of the ppl who have around the same eye power/degree as me will be able to get perfect vision. Even if i dun get perfect vision after the first surgery, I can opt for subsequent corrective surgery at Free Of Charge - of cos i hope that doesn happen to me.

Next week will be a hectic week for me, rushing reports, attending dialogue sessions and some major meetings. Fortunately, my big break will come the week after, in which I will go back to ITE again for courses for almost the entire of November. My operation will only be conducted after Christmas..oooh...

Not much reflections lately, cos too much activities in the day that at nite, they keep flashing on my minds.... seeing too many ppl per day and talking too much in the day... at nite jus dun wish to use any more brain power.

eaT eAT EAT

It seems that nowadays I am gradually digging my grave with my own teeth. I have been eating non-stop. I was in my brother's car when my mum touched on my stomach and face, saying I have gained much weight after working.

Last friday, I had an army gathering at Breeks Marina. It was a buffet and the servings were mostly meats. Meats and meats and meats. Saturday, I have a colleague's wedding banquet to attend. I had my dinner prior to the banquet and hence, I had 2 rounds of dinner last night. Just now, I took my dinner before going for meditation. And after the meditation, we had plenty of snacks like chocolates, crakers, cakes etc at Mr Lim's house. Eat eat and eat again. And back home, my mum pushed me to finish up some glutinous rice she bought in the afternoon. She said the rice cannot be left over night.....wah... bloated siah.

Talk abt gaining weight, I met my cousin just now when I went out. From far, I already noticed this plump guy but I din realise it was my cousin, until he called out to me. Waseh, he was once our family's Li Nanxing (due to his good looks and slim built), but now.. he looks more like gurmit singh with his permed hair, a much fatter version of gurmit. I was stunned.

Meditation tonight was fine. I am thankful to Ananda for making the effort to introduce me to the Sayagyi tradition. Thanks akaa... Tonight's sitting was not an easy and peaceful one, but I am glad that I put on a strong struggle to concentrate on my breaths. Day-dreaming moments were minimal, but leg pains are aplenty.

Dun really feel like writing these days. As I told potato head this afternoon, sometimes we thought we have already recovered long enough, only to discover some past sad memories are back to haunt you, esp when you are feeling down. Its scary.

Sometimes, I rather I have sad and negative moments - all i have to do is to get rid of them. On the other hand, I shld be worrying if I start to feel happiness or blissfulness (conditional ones) without realising of the attachments, as I would have to deal with the aftermaths of disatisfactions, jealousy, hatreds, unhappiness and disappointments.

All are results from the roots of 贪嗔痴.

黑白画印

I am listening to 黑白画印 while typing this blog. Hmmm, I thought this song is cool, and its very 'my type' of music, although I dun think I can ever sing this type of song well.

This afternoon, I called up Singapore National Eye Centre and made a booking to get my cornea sliced. I am not a new member to SNEC, as the telephone receptionist excitedly exclaimed today "Oh! You were with us some time back". Yeah, I had eye operation at SNEC once in 1994 and the other in 1996.

I miss you so, why do you have to go... hey o hey o hey~~~~

Academic Challenge

I can feel that the academic tracks are running hot. NTU is left with less than 2 weeks to exams while NUS has about a month left. The fact that there are still many quizes, tests and report deadlines to go certainly does not help. "No time to settle down for studying" is pretty often the case, isnt it?

I have always been telling my juniors (oh nagging to juniors) that one of the most effective way to study well is to study in groups. It is only through discussions and sharings with friends that we can find out what are the stuffs we thought we already know but we actually duno, and also the stuffs which we dun even know we duno.

Has it ever occurred to you that its only in the midst of taking the paper, you found out something that you shld have gone find out before the exams, but its already too late? Or is it only during the post-exam discussions with friends that you realise most of your friends 'know about this and that' but you didnt know...

Instead of repeating the same old naggings again, I would like to share over here some of the invaluable advices I have gotten over the past yrs, by some of my BS snrs and friends.

Just like any other typical undergrads, I was often stressed up with poor results, rushing of deadlines and endless of work to clear. I once complained to Ruiting and she advised me with something like this: "There may be a lot of work to do, but still, you have to do them eventually. So Just do It!!! One at a time." I thought this advice came in handy as instead of wasting time troubled with the undone stuffs, i geared myself up to pin down the obstacles one by one.

Another time was with ruiting again, discussing with Ven Pema on our heavy sch load. He said something like this: Sch life may be hectic, but you can still find peace in the midst of your busy schedule. His adivce helped in a way that when I was struggling to understand my lecture notes, I told myself to fully concentrate and focus on what i was doing then, instead of worrying about whats next and whats still left undone.

Another very irritating and disturbing fact that I couldnt accept was my inability to score well in my exams. I complained to my senior that a large part of my failure was due to my careless and bad luck, eg. 1)Missed out the entire question undone (1 out of 6 qn), 2)Calculation errors causing the entire qn to be marked wrong, and 3)Studying things that did not come out in the exams while things that I din study came out instead.

A senior Rongfa gave the following advice: What ever hard work you put in now may not be rewarded immediately. Whatever you have studied hard for this module may not be put in use during the coming exams, but they may serve as platforms and build up your foundation in tackling future modules and exams. His words did not provide me much comfort then, but it was after going through many semesters myself tat I find his words v true. A lot of things may not seem applicable now, but they will be of use eventually in some other areas.

Gd Luck Everyone!