Getting too hard

Sincerely grateful to my friends for their comments posted on my blog.

Sometimes, when bad things come one after another, I just feel like giving up everything altogether. I would feel like quitting my job, stop going for medical follow-ups and treatments, stop keeping in touch with my friends, or even stop my own existence in this world. But i am not exactly depress, just feeling very indifferent towards this world, losing the passions in life as a working adult.

I duno what type of impression i have given others, but since young, my family has always regarded me as a very soft-spoken kid. Although I tend to talk a lot at times, but my voice projections were neither strong nor loud. However, my temper can get really bad to an extreme level. About 6-7yrs ago, due to some abnormal reactions in my body, i was brought to the hosp and had my blood samples sent to USA for testings. It was found that a certain constituent(acid) in my blood was found to be at an extraordinary high level, resulting in my strong bodily reactions towards certain things. The doctor also commented that I should be a very bad tempered and easily agitated person due to this enzyme (or is it hormones?) in my body.

Quite a handful of NTUBS and NUSBS ppl have witnessed a pretty gross scene from me in yr 2002, during our CNY visit at The Buddhist Library. I had an attack over there and my eyes were practically swollen till the extent that I almost couldnt drive home due to poor visions.

Probably due to the reason that i mix mostly with buddhists over the past four yrs, I have much less chances to get agitated and angry like before. However, after working for almost a yr, the bad seeds in me begin to erupt again. Due to surrounding conditions + the type of ppl i face and the lack of my effort in self-control, I see myself getting much more aggressive, harsh and quarrelsome than before.

For instance, a supplier has been coming down to our company to promote his products for weeks. During his many private discussions with me, I have always been very friendly to him and even went for lunches together. However during his final product presentation to our managers, the devil in me crawled out suddenly as I began to shoot his pants down with difficult questions. What a jerk am i? I din know why i am doing that, probably sub-conciously, i was trying to score points infront of my GM. But most importantly, I realise i have picked up this 'mannerism' from my senior managers and GMs, who were often very critical, harsh and agressive on such occasions. I tend to pick up this 'skills' pretty fast.

And this behaviour of mine is not only restricted in my working life, but also when i am out of work. Perhaps I tell myself that i am NO longer a student who is financially dependent on others, I become more demanding, non-compromising and DARING in my words and actions. In other words, I could have been labelled as a 'difficult person' to deal with in the public's eyes.

I see that my personality has gradually gotten harder and harder. Initially, one may think that getting tougher is a good sign. But when things get too hard, it becomes brittle. I need the Dharma to soften myself, really.