Only a Buddhist Externally

I feel that i am only a buddhist 'externally'. In other words, there isnt much practising in progress. By attending some Dharma talks, reading v limited Dharma books, going for some regular meditation sittings, mixing around with buddhist friends etc, i am ONLY trying to make myself more 'buddhist'. But the heart remains the same.

I attended the NUSBSA comm meeting just now. It reminded me of my NUSBS comm days when we had 'endless' meeting sessions, which can drag from early morning to late evenings. Somehow, i kinda miss those feelings, where we could easily divert our topics from the agenda, only to realise we have digress too far. But i glad the meeting just now was pretty efficient and concise. We even have time to attend Ven Kai Zhao's Dharma talk this evening, and met up with my 'familiar' faces again ie. Sumantri, David, Teddy, Kin Song and many many more...

Learnt from Yuhan that Keepang has gone to Malaysia for a few weeks of short term ordination course. Sadhu to both brother and sister! Somehow, i feel that the life of a monk is not simply just meditating in the Dharma hall, reading sutras or discussing the Dharma ONLY. It tends to become pretty much like ascetism. But I have read and seen from some slide shows on how short term ordination course is conducted over at Ven Kaizhao's sch. I am really impressed.

But whats the use of talking so much? The NUSBSA comm was asking me for opinion what fresh grads like me are looking for and wanted most. My answer is definitely not 'Buddhism'. Most of us now shld be most concerned with our CAREER and making enough MONEY to feed our family and ourselves. Only a few lucky ones have strong financial support from their parents and elder siblings. Somehow, organising and attending buddhist activites do not become our priority in life - and thats very sad. Similarly, a few lucky ones (or diligent ones) are able to strike the balance, but its really v hard in Singapore.

Suddenly dun feel like writing cos my MSN keep flashing - trying to ignore them. Tmr will be meeting my jnrs to take grad photos. I hesitated for a while whether i shld bring my gown along. Afterall, i have already bought the gown so i shldnt waste it, and this batch of jnrs are my direct jnrs, so the feeling isnt too 'far' away. But my final decision is NOT to wear gown tmr, cos it will be very mafan, hot and stuffy.