Super long but meaningful entry

Yes i am back, and i think i am finally ready to share what has happened to me all this while.

I guess some of dear friends (like Kin Song) must have guessed it correctly. I am actually suffering from a broken love relationship. Dun blame me for not sharing the 'good news' of being attached, cos it really started so quickly, but unfortunately it ended twice as fast.

Most friends would remember me as someone who always claim that i do not need a life partner. Yes, my stand remains but when the special person came along, i just couldnt resist it, and i thought things could be worked out. I really enjoyed her company and her sincerity touched me again and again, despite my initial hesistance and reservations in starting this r/s. Things were very promising, as we started to plan our weekly activities (ie. meet up on every tues, fri and sat/sun). I also planned the best and fastest route to her house from house, from my work place to her work place to pick her up from work, and shortlisted the eateries which we could patronise during our meet ups. She also suggested contributing to my fuel funds, and planned to arrange for me to meet her parents. We were also in the midst of planning for a short get-away, either a chalet or overseas holiday.

She came to my life too suddenly that i wasnt quite used to the feeling of getting 'attached'. Jus as i was finally ready to get committed to this r/s, she came slapping me mercilessly with the shocking news, tt she wanted a break up. Reason given was quite valid though. My world came crushing down. The plans, hopes and visions i had on hands were still fresh and yet to be executed, and they have to end so abruptly. I couldnt accept it. Didnt she just email me a few days ago that she loved me so much? Didnt she just wrote me a nice postcard last week telling me she just couldnt get enough of me, and felt i was like a dream come true? Didnt she promise me that she will nv ditch me and hurt me? My world came spinning.....

My first reaction was to let her go. I told myself that since the r/s was so short,definitely i would be able to take it. But i was wrong, i found myself begging her to come back the very evening, and she did. We resumed as a couple for the next couple of weeks but i could sense a great difference in her feelings. The 2 week period was a struggle for me, and finally i decided to let her go last tuesday. And i didnt know the final decision to let her go could gave me such a great impact.

Firstly, i lost my sleep again, despite taking sleeping pills. Secondly, i lost my appetitie and went without food for more than 24hrs. Thirdly, i felt a lost in interest in everything i do, i din even wanna skate or jog. I just want to hide in my bed sleeping, cos sleeping is probably the only time that i could shut myself out from the misery. Every single moment of consciousness is suffering. On weekends, physical signals began to appear, as i felt my head super heavy and chest (or heart) in pains.

For the first time, i cried. I have nv associated myself with crying since donkey yrs ago, and i was very surprised i cried. And i thought after the first cry, i would feel better. I was wrong, as i began to cry almost everyday, whenever i drove past ecp on my way to work in the morn. It was indeed very shameful and embrassing. During lunch time, i would drive to labrador park and weep again. I know its very dramatic but now i really appreciate the song "情人的眼泪".

As a person who always cherish myself a lot, and often engage in self-healing, I tried applying all methods to let myself move on. I know for sure the only thing that i need to do now is LET GO. But how can i do it? I prostrated countless of times, read lots of dharma books, chanted millions and meditated every morning and evening, but the uneasiness in me just grow stronger and stronger. I felt as if i was on a frying pan, jumping around in pain. There was no escape route for me, no place for me to hide. V soon, i found myself in a very depressing mood, as i din even dare to step out of my house. I fear of driving past those places where we once had wonderful memories.

Deep down, i know this jus a small and typical r/s problem, which countless of ppl have faced and been through, why cant i? But i also know to myself, this r/s really meant a lot to me, i have really injected a lot of effort and love, and its jus too justifiable that i am now feeling so miserable and unbearable. We used to exchange emails to speak out our feelings for each other every night, and i even archived the photos we took together whenever we went out, conveniently with my hp camera. Then, i thought it was so sweet and romantic for me to do such things, but now, they were just like fresh deep wounds on my skins, causing me extreme pains whenever i get into the slightest contact with them.

Every now and then, i would also come out with some theories and conclusions, which indeed made me feel better for a while. Firstly i blamed it on myself, despite knowing deep down tt i am actually a victim to someone who is very confused and selfish. Then i concluded that i was jus attached to the old feelings, and i didnt love her as much as i think. The next day, i self taught myself that it doesn matter whether the r/s has ended now, or is still on going, cos the seeds of sufferings were already planted the moment i develop feelings for her. All these 'realisations' did make me feel better, but they only lasted temporarily, as i woke up the next day feeling more miserable, and realised i truely love her, and its a lot. Each time, my conclusions would jus fail me again and again. I felt like a great loser, and i almost wanted to give up. I am running out of ideas already.

Yday at NUS, i met Alice who jus got back from her 3mth USA trip. As an old good fren, she could sense something wrong with me. I told her my problems, and told her tt the only 2 ways which can stop the memories from haunting me is either i lost my memory or i die. She shrieked at me with a " Hey kanasai lah! I am sure you can do better than that!" Yeah, such words from an old friend really struck me hard. Definitely i can do better than this!

This morning, i chatted with Kalden, Vincent and Nale regarding my problem. And yes, i must really thank these 3 spiritual friends for guiding me in attaining a small enlightenment. I finally got an idea why did it take me so hard to let go of the r/s. I realised with a huge pang today that what i have lost is actually NOT jus a love r/s, but a passion in life. For the 4 yrs in my NUS life, i spent a lot of time and effort in NUSBS, and somehow, it has become my passion in life, which kept me moving. Everyday spent in NUS was like so meaningful, and i really look forward to everyday. Weekends and weekdays were of no difference to me. However, ever since i stepped into the society, no doubt there was an initial excitement in my job, my life became kind of auto-pilot eventually. Every day and every week seems to be the same to me, and there s nothing much for me to look forward to.

Hence, what i need right now is not jus to let go of the r/s (which i have been working very hard on over the past week in vain), but also a passion ; a spiritual goal; a purpose to make my everyday life meaningful. On the surface, i may be just suffering from a r/s problem. But deep down within, its actually a signal sent to me that there' something crucially missing in my life which needs my attention now!

Yes, i am feeling very relief understanding this. I hope this is not jus like the previous 'mini enlightenment' i had over the past few days, but something which can finally get me pushing, and move out of the depressing state. I already have something in mind. I hope i will be able to share them to my friends in future, after i have successfully executed them and apply them in life :)

Sorry that this entry is in a great mass, but its really written from the bottom of my heart. I may fill in more details in the future.