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你就象一阵风来无影去无踪
莫非你不想停泊我的心中
当我抚平了心底那段风波
你却掀起大浪冲向我
你就象一片云飘向西飘向东
非要我陷入迷雾不分西东
当我走出了那段崎岖山路
你却伸出双手拉着我
这场游戏 玩得过火
你从不曾轻易对我承诺过
看似无情 却似有意
你从不曾轻易对我拒绝过
到现在还玩捉迷藏游戏
有一天我会说声游戏结束
我不会永远这样痴痴等待
Love is definitely not a game. The feelings given out and injected into a relationship are sincere and true from the bottom of the heart. And the process of unrooting it from the heart is definitely a tedious process, very difficult and extremely painful.What has been given out is not money or time, but true feelings. Sometimes i hope i can be like a computer. How I wish there is a delete button in me which can enable to erase all the memories i have in this r/s. How I wish there is a System Restore function in me (as found in Windows2000 or XP), which I can restore my system back to early 2006 - and make sure she has never crossed the path in my life.What i am made up of are NOT binary logics but emotions, feelings and memories. Emotions are like clouds which can be blown away eventually. Feelings is not a matter of choice but something which come naturally from my heart. Memories can never be forgotten; and the only way is to make myself feel numb to them.
你知不知道
思念一个人的滋味
就像喝一杯冰冷的水
然后用很长很长的时间
一颗一颗流成热泪
你知不知道
寂寞的滋味
寂寞是因为思念谁
你知不知
道痛苦的滋味
痛苦是因为想忘记谁
你知不知道
忘记一个人的滋味
就像欣赏一种残酷的美
然后用很小很小的声音
告诉自己坚强面对
I never believe in shopping therapy as i i feel my wallet matters more than anything. Moreover, shopping has never been a pastime of mine. I only go shopping centres when i need to get something.Last weekend, i decided to pamper myself by spending on this bluetooth headset - which comes in handy when i am driving. Goodbye to those wired earpieces which are neither durable and get entangled very easily, resulting in driving hazard. It cost me abt $100.And can u imagine that i used to laugh at ppl who walk around wearing an ugly piece of gadget on their ears? Now i am doing it myself, wahahaha.Well, the process of recovering is bittersweet. Occassionally i will suffer minor relapses and get very depressed recalling the memories. But there r also times which i feel life is great, with many friends around. Most importantly, i have a family, a mum who prepares dinner for me when i go home after work. Nothing is more heart-warming than having a nice dinner at home after a day of hard work - and i mean it very sincerely. And becos i have such a loving mum, i tell myself i shld stop wasting time getting upset over the past. I shld put in more effort to get well soon :D
Decided to try something slightly more funky than usual, do ended up with this long spiky hairstyle. No more armani or silly-looking partings. Long hair is always a NO.Although i appreciate the teachings that pure bliss and happiness shld come from within, i do feel more refreshed after the haircut, which is obviously something external. Nevertheless, I really appreciate and am sincerely thankful to many of my friends who have given me your encouragements and priceless concerns. Thanks for the numerous wonderful MSN messages and advices. Thanks for offering to accompany me during weekday evenings and weekends. Thanks for sharing your valuable experiences which defintely help to make me feel better.This r/s experience has been an extremely impactful one, and i have really lost my balance. As mentioned before, i really felt as if i am placed onto a frying pan. No matter where i jump, i feel great unbearable pains, and theres simply no escape route for me to end my sufferings. But one thing i am very sure and clear - the Dharma has always been with me, be it in my happiest or most terrible times.
I m back to clubbing, and i nv expect it to be so enjoyable after so many yrs.My most crazy clubbing days were during my army time, when my camp mates and I would head down to Zouk and Venom quite often for drinking and dancing. I always know I am a 'drinking' material as i was able to gulp down several mugs of beer with very little effects. I did enjoy the feeling of being 'high' in a semi-drunken state, whereby i could laugh and talk aloud, but i was always conscious enough to make my way back to camp/home.I have stopped drinking ever since i got in touch with buddhism, but i broke my 5th precept last evening by drinking again. Shame to say, i was never really tempted all these yrs (not even during my bro's wedding), but i jus gave in last evening and took down several glass of hard liquors. The only thing that i probably didnt pick up last evening was smoking.2 evenings ago, i decided to go down to a regular neighbourhood barber shop to have my hair cut. I have been patronising this barber shop since my secondary sch days except during the few yrs of PGP stay. While i was walking towards the shop, i sensed something amiss as it was not lighted up. Upon walking near, i found that the shop totally empty! All the furnitures are gone. I stood there in disbelief and refused to leave for a while. For a moment, i was lost, and wonder where i shld go to have my haircut in the future. Over the yrs, i nv need to make any plans on where to have my haircut and would automatically head towards this barber shop whenever i feel the need to cut my hair. This situation kinda reflects a little bit of my life and character too. Sometimes, we have taken certain things for granted and never expect it to happen on us. Jus like many cancer patients love to say " oh, i nv thought i will have cancer, i nv expect that it will happen to me!". I also have my version of saying " Yes, i also nv expect such a love disaster will happen on me........."
These 2 pictures were taken at the same place but 8 mths apart. The same tree may still be there, but is now suffering from a broken branch. It depicts my heart - which was once filled with hopes and happiness, but now a shattered broken one.Many of my friends know that i love to visit places of nature. Macritchie, Seletar and the Pierce reservoirs are my fave hideout. Whenever i feel stressed or depress, i will visit these places alone. I always feel revitalized after visiting these places which i called my own - where i feel connected to the world. Another place which i go even more often is none other than east coast park - skating along the coastline enjoying the breeze must be one of my fave past-time to enjoy the peaceful night.A few friends learnt about my broken r/s and suggested that visiting these places may help to make me feel better. The unfortunate fact is that you tend to share your most treasured and fave stuffs with your most beloved ones. Yes, i brought her to all these places when I was very much in love with her. Now, i cant even go to these places as they are all now terribly tainted by images of her. Recalling the good old times we had together at these places brought me tremendous heartaches and painful memories. Not even my fave ECP is spared.A painful lesson learnt - Always reserve something exclusively to yourself. Do not share them all...Now, i finally understand what my friend meant, when she told me re-visiting some of the places which she used to hang out with her ex-bf brought her fears and pains. Yes, its a combination of FEARS and PAINS. And yeps, i also get to understand why people commit suicide - not because they find life meaningless or they dun love themselves, but rather, life must be so painful and miserable for them to endure. Its nv my option though.And i also understand why ppl say that NEVER to listen to sad ballads when you are out of love. Every song seems to remind you of your broken r/s , every song is like perfectly tailored to your predicament, and you find most lyrics describing about your feelings. And it doesn taken long after listening, that you realise sadness steadily creeping into your heart, and tears flowing down your cheeks.I realise most human beings are the same. What i have experienced are what many of my friends have experienced. Yeps, i do feel more connected to the world now...
Yes i am back, and i think i am finally ready to share what has happened to me all this while.I guess some of dear friends (like Kin Song) must have guessed it correctly. I am actually suffering from a broken love relationship. Dun blame me for not sharing the 'good news' of being attached, cos it really started so quickly, but unfortunately it ended twice as fast.Most friends would remember me as someone who always claim that i do not need a life partner. Yes, my stand remains but when the special person came along, i just couldnt resist it, and i thought things could be worked out. I really enjoyed her company and her sincerity touched me again and again, despite my initial hesistance and reservations in starting this r/s. Things were very promising, as we started to plan our weekly activities (ie. meet up on every tues, fri and sat/sun). I also planned the best and fastest route to her house from house, from my work place to her work place to pick her up from work, and shortlisted the eateries which we could patronise during our meet ups. She also suggested contributing to my fuel funds, and planned to arrange for me to meet her parents. We were also in the midst of planning for a short get-away, either a chalet or overseas holiday.
She came to my life too suddenly that i wasnt quite used to the feeling of getting 'attached'. Jus as i was finally ready to get committed to this r/s, she came slapping me mercilessly with the shocking news, tt she wanted a break up. Reason given was quite valid though. My world came crushing down. The plans, hopes and visions i had on hands were still fresh and yet to be executed, and they have to end so abruptly. I couldnt accept it. Didnt she just email me a few days ago that she loved me so much? Didnt she just wrote me a nice postcard last week telling me she just couldnt get enough of me, and felt i was like a dream come true? Didnt she promise me that she will nv ditch me and hurt me? My world came spinning.....
My first reaction was to let her go. I told myself that since the r/s was so short,definitely i would be able to take it. But i was wrong, i found myself begging her to come back the very evening, and she did. We resumed as a couple for the next couple of weeks but i could sense a great difference in her feelings. The 2 week period was a struggle for me, and finally i decided to let her go last tuesday. And i didnt know the final decision to let her go could gave me such a great impact.
Firstly, i lost my sleep again, despite taking sleeping pills. Secondly, i lost my appetitie and went without food for more than 24hrs. Thirdly, i felt a lost in interest in everything i do, i din even wanna skate or jog. I just want to hide in my bed sleeping, cos sleeping is probably the only time that i could shut myself out from the misery. Every single moment of consciousness is suffering. On weekends, physical signals began to appear, as i felt my head super heavy and chest (or heart) in pains.
For the first time, i cried. I have nv associated myself with crying since donkey yrs ago, and i was very surprised i cried. And i thought after the first cry, i would feel better. I was wrong, as i began to cry almost everyday, whenever i drove past ecp on my way to work in the morn. It was indeed very shameful and embrassing. During lunch time, i would drive to labrador park and weep again. I know its very dramatic but now i really appreciate the song "情人的眼泪".
As a person who always cherish myself a lot, and often engage in self-healing, I tried applying all methods to let myself move on. I know for sure the only thing that i need to do now is LET GO. But how can i do it? I prostrated countless of times, read lots of dharma books, chanted millions and meditated every morning and evening, but the uneasiness in me just grow stronger and stronger. I felt as if i was on a frying pan, jumping around in pain. There was no escape route for me, no place for me to hide. V soon, i found myself in a very depressing mood, as i din even dare to step out of my house. I fear of driving past those places where we once had wonderful memories.
Deep down, i know this jus a small and typical r/s problem, which countless of ppl have faced and been through, why cant i? But i also know to myself, this r/s really meant a lot to me, i have really injected a lot of effort and love, and its jus too justifiable that i am now feeling so miserable and unbearable. We used to exchange emails to speak out our feelings for each other every night, and i even archived the photos we took together whenever we went out, conveniently with my hp camera. Then, i thought it was so sweet and romantic for me to do such things, but now, they were just like fresh deep wounds on my skins, causing me extreme pains whenever i get into the slightest contact with them.
Every now and then, i would also come out with some theories and conclusions, which indeed made me feel better for a while. Firstly i blamed it on myself, despite knowing deep down tt i am actually a victim to someone who is very confused and selfish. Then i concluded that i was jus attached to the old feelings, and i didnt love her as much as i think. The next day, i self taught myself that it doesn matter whether the r/s has ended now, or is still on going, cos the seeds of sufferings were already planted the moment i develop feelings for her. All these 'realisations' did make me feel better, but they only lasted temporarily, as i woke up the next day feeling more miserable, and realised i truely love her, and its a lot. Each time, my conclusions would jus fail me again and again. I felt like a great loser, and i almost wanted to give up. I am running out of ideas already.
Yday at NUS, i met Alice who jus got back from her 3mth USA trip. As an old good fren, she could sense something wrong with me. I told her my problems, and told her tt the only 2 ways which can stop the memories from haunting me is either i lost my memory or i die. She shrieked at me with a " Hey kanasai lah! I am sure you can do better than that!" Yeah, such words from an old friend really struck me hard. Definitely i can do better than this!
This morning, i chatted with Kalden, Vincent and Nale regarding my problem. And yes, i must really thank these 3 spiritual friends for guiding me in attaining a small enlightenment. I finally got an idea why did it take me so hard to let go of the r/s. I realised with a huge pang today that what i have lost is actually NOT jus a love r/s, but a passion in life. For the 4 yrs in my NUS life, i spent a lot of time and effort in NUSBS, and somehow, it has become my passion in life, which kept me moving. Everyday spent in NUS was like so meaningful, and i really look forward to everyday. Weekends and weekdays were of no difference to me. However, ever since i stepped into the society, no doubt there was an initial excitement in my job, my life became kind of auto-pilot eventually. Every day and every week seems to be the same to me, and there s nothing much for me to look forward to.
Hence, what i need right now is not jus to let go of the r/s (which i have been working very hard on over the past week in vain), but also a passion ; a spiritual goal; a purpose to make my everyday life meaningful. On the surface, i may be just suffering from a r/s problem. But deep down within, its actually a signal sent to me that there' something crucially missing in my life which needs my attention now!
Yes, i am feeling very relief understanding this. I hope this is not jus like the previous 'mini enlightenment' i had over the past few days, but something which can finally get me pushing, and move out of the depressing state. I already have something in mind. I hope i will be able to share them to my friends in future, after i have successfully executed them and apply them in life :)
Sorry that this entry is in a great mass, but its really written from the bottom of my heart. I may fill in more details in the future.
