Away from the Norm

Sometimes, I thought of ending my life, if not of the fact that we are bound by karma. I know I sound very pessimistic, but life is indeed full of sufferings. Sometimes, we engage ourselves in things that we do not know will bring us sufferings. At times, we may even get ourselves involved in things that we know will bring us sufferings, but we still insist in doing them.

I think I am getting paranoid of life, which isnt very healthy. The more I fear abt incurring sufferings, the more sufferings I am getting. Was sharing with bean that happiness is not what i want, because the other side of the coin is suffering. I just want peace and a calmness in mind.

Bhante told me in my van last week tat struck me pretty hard. He said some practices taught by certain buddhist sch/tradition are actually not following the middle path, but closer to the path of self-mortification. He urged me to actively help support the Sangha, cos the Sangha cant survive without the lay people.

Some ppl laughed at me, saying I am silly or ridiculous to drive all the way to NTU or NUS just to wash my car. Some thought I just want to save water, or I am too free. Well, my explaination is: Washing the car in a peaceful and quiet environment, standing under the big shady trees in the hot afternoon sun, with occasional breeze brushing through my singlet, provides therapeutic effects for me. We are often too caught up with practicality, always wanting to involve in activities that readily bring us visible rewards or immediate effects.

I think I am getting further and further away from the norm. I yearn for a breakthrough in life, not following the societal norm.