Happy Children's Day!!!

Love & Clique

Its just a few days late (in Oct) that they will be getting their key to their new flat, but they declare a split :s - End of Story - My family luck?

I have seen so many victims of love around me. I have witnessed how love can send a person up the heaven, and crush them down mercilessly. Even though I have not really fallen deeply in love or hurt by it this life, I can kinda guess or imagine how hurting and bleedingly painful a broken heart feels. Perhaps I have gotten the experiences in my past life that I wudnt wanna have it again anymore.

Within my workplace, I can easily identify up to 5 to 6 pairs of MBA holders. What does MBA stands for? MBA = Married But Available. Even one my closest colleague admitted that he has slept with at least 3 female colleagues in my company, waLAOayzzs.

On the brighter side, I feel its very important to form our own clique at the workplace. With a strength of almost 300 ppl at my workplace, almost everyone is a taiji master. Their non cooperative behaviour sometimes make me wanna puke blood. Fortunately with my clique around, at least I have someone to complain to, joke around with, and have meals together. We give one another the moral support that we seriously need in the vicious working environment - No Man Is An Island -

O! My Home!

I feel I have a lot to share tonight, but I wouldnt wanna make my blog into a target board of complaints. Neither do I want to confuse my friends with what I wrote nor I wanna give them a misconception that I am just trying to AA. Well, I shall follow my heart.

I did not plan to visit NUS this evening for the mid autumn festival celebration. However, a msg from chin lee changed my mind. She thought I could help by 'interacting' with any new-comers that come tonight.

Yeps, there are a few very strong reasons why i still wanna attend NUSBS functions. A very obvious reason is to help out with my juniors/friends/brothers, supporting them in whatever I can. The next very strong reason is to interact with the new ppl and bring them closer to the society, and subsqly buddhism. I feel a greate sense of acheivement and find it very meaningful to provide a channel for these new ppl to know more abt the Dharma, even though I know my own limits.

On the contrary, I am not there to seek for a sense of belonging. I still pretty much prefer an individualistic lifestyle. A life with as little attachment as possible, including detachment from my own family or to anyone or any group.

Once again this evening, I get to interact with a new guy, who seemed quite interested in striking a conversation with me - Nothing much abt the Dharma though. And I reflected by taking a look at those ppl who were present this evening. I could vividly recall the different occasions which I got to interact with each and everyone of them when they were new-comers to the society. From David as a freshmen at matric fair 2001, to nale and nolittleway at PKS Dharma camp 2001, pearlyn as a freshman at FOC 2002 to OWY (Sentosa) & Zea (MRT) at Camp Voyage 2003 to new kids like Isen and Cindy at YIH Welcome Tea 2004.

The sad thing is that while I am willing to spend much time on my friends, I found myself spending too little time at home. Perhaps its really an escapism from home, or I am too used to staying alone outside. The worse thing is that my family is now pretty messy, and as a buddhist, I thought I shld be doing something to help my family.... but I have chosen to ignore and escape. My parents need my listening ears most, but I really feel sick listening to their incessant complaints abt life and each other.

I know I can do something, but i do not have the motivation and zest to do it. And i dun think i am doing it, as there is a risk I may break down myself too. Well well........

Ugly world, still....

Throughout my uni life, I always thought that I have been very truthful (or you can say sincere & direct) to my friends, be it positive or negative comments I made to them. Now at work, I cant do the same and my everyday life is full of lies, wearing of diff masks and leading a rather insincere and pretentious life.

Even when talking to my juniors I have to be extremely sensitive, cautious and careful, for fear of hurting them. Thats not me and I dun like the way I am behaving now.

Back at home, I need to pretend to be cool, rational and un-emotional.

Its an ugly world, and I hate it.

Even the clown will break down one day....

Over estimation

I am feeling extremely tired, for I have over-estimated by own stamina. Today, I slept from 2 plus straight after work all the way till evening time. I seldom take naps as I thought it slows my brain functionality. Today was an exception, i am getting old.

I almost forget the fact that I am holding a full time job. Having to wake up at 6 plus and reporting for work/course every morn, I continued my evenings after 530pm involving in some other activities. While the ppl around me were just as tired, I just realised the fact that I have been the last to reach home almost every night, to bathe, sleep and rest, and then to wake up earlier than them for the next day.

Definitely not trying to gain some recognitions, sympathy or credits, cos those were never my objectives for my actions done. But not so nice a feeling when ppl start to have misgivings abt your actions. I know I shldnt really be bothered how ppl view me or say abt me, but it serves as a disincentive to continue what I have aimed and planned to do, for the good of the community.

Like what Dr Kenneth Tan and Bhante Dhamaratana said last evening, many ppl are unwilling to give up their time for others. To me, i feel the "heart" is not fully there. When I really wanna do something, I will put my heart all out to do it, and not simply do it for the sake of doing it, not becos others want me or expect me to do it etc. Working alone and be responsible ONLY TO MYSELF is definitely different from working in a grp and being responsible to everyone in the grp. Many still cant get this fact right.

During my sch days, when i was feeling down, I can simply shut myself away from the rest of the world - go for an afternoon swim, evening jog, dun talk to anybody or hide myself in the hostel. But now i cant do the same in working life. I need to wear a mask at work everyday. No matter how tired or down i may feel, i still need to appear a smiley face in front of my clients, guests, bosses, workers and colleagues. I can no longer do whatever i like freely....

Well well..... the bottomline is - we must know how to take care of ourselves before we want to take care of others :D I have kinda overestimated myself a little this time.

Ugly Human Beings

I am Ugly

I am feeling rather shameful for neglecting one of my friend's feelings. I dun mean that he needs my attention badly, but I was told he enjoys my company. Unfortunately, I havent been sensitive enough to him, and I (and we) did not realise he has been quite affected and upset over an incident.

I thought I have played my role as a senior rather lousily. I have been sub-conciously being selective over who to help. Thats the ugly me, playing double standards and neglecting the feelings of other sentient beings around me.


He is Ugly

He is really ugly. He is supposed to take charge of a major task but ended up his friends were doing it. To make things worse, he pushed the blame to his friends for not giving him feedbacks on the problems/difficulties they have faced.

"Why shld i be the one asking you for the updates? You shld be the one reporting to me on the updates instead!" Thats not a very healthy mentality. I have no choice but to whack this person upside down without giving him any face.

We are all ugly.

Dun wish to say....

Once again, I have a lot of things in my mind which I thought I can 'report' in my blog, but I just dun have that much energy to blog them down.

Today, I went to ITE to attend a trainer course. The course was damm boring, so dry and monotonous. However, the ppl i met there were very nice and friendly. Among them were 3 from nursing profession , out of which 1 is a director of a nursing home. The others comprise ppl from airplane industry, chemical industry and even a 22 yr old hairstylist. Indeed a nice and interesting combi of ppl... but still, we all share the same sentiments that the facilitator was boring. Well, 3 more days to go....

The evening time was more lighted for me, as I joined the 26th MC in doing a simple dry run and mock set up for the exhibition. Hopefully they can rest well after buysing with BAW, and have a nice, meaningful and fruitful semester :D On top of the cultivational merits some of them have acheived through meditatation or other cultivations, the service merits they have accumulated thru their hard work for BAW are invaluable!

Oh yes Anananananda, I get to interact with several of the NTUBS xiaomeimeis during Camp Sadhu. They are pretty fun and cute wat... why u need to come all the way to NUSBS to get your own xiaomei? Anyway, I guess that my ties with the tertiary buddhist societies leaders do not seem to end any time soon.... I know i am getting old, but i am not at all bothered abt getting too attached to the student buddhist society or watsover, jus enjoy while you still can.

As what vincent lim said: Have you ever wondered why we are born in Singapore and not other countries? Do you see any purpose that we are born bilingual this life? Yes I get what he is trying to mean... dun waste what we are equipped with this life, make full use of our potential to help in propagating the Dharma.

Too many things to say.....

This evening, I have too much stuffs in mind that I wish to express, yet I am asking myself if I need to share them out.

Firstly, I wish to inform my friends that I have been offered 'Permanent Teaching' by MOE. I am glad that I wasnt offered 'Contract Teaching' instead. The monthly pay is about the same as my current pay, but definitely much less bonus. Well, I shall take sometime to consider about it.

Secondly, its a small reflection I did after attending Camp Sadhu. Although I was made the IC of one of the main events, but I felt I didnt do too good a job. Initially, I could recognise my own effort but because it was done without much passion and interest, I began to slack. Fortunately, Shiongwei was around to helpe and with most of us having past experiences in organising camps and such, the camp was done rather stress-free even when we were just given about 1 week to prepare.

The most impressive part of the camp must be the moment when the judges gave comments during the Case Study Session. I see most of them speak with the greatest sincerity, not jus mere quoting of teachings or some cliche statements, but with their personal experiences. I am particularly impressed by Juliana (ex P of SPBS) and our very own 20th MC NUSBS ex president Kenneth Tan.

Some impressive quotes:

"Never try to convert or change others, but keep your doors open when sharing the Dharma".

"You can use whatever energy you have now running the MC, but pls save some for the final lap of your journey"

Of cos these were just 2 of the many wonderful experiences they have shared which I found very relevant and sincere.

Thirdly, I wish to compliment my smallbro zea for the painstaking efforts he has put in lately for NUSBS. Besides taking the great challenge of running the P post, I see the great commmitment and seriousness he has put in for the coming BAW. I guess what he needs most is support from everyone. Hopefully everyone esp the ex-MC and current active members of NUSBS, can give him their fullest support. Lets hope for a great success in the coming BAW!

Finally, I would like to wish my friend Jane - May you be well and happy!

Camp Sadhu Flash

A flash taken a Camp Sadhu - 3 kichis of NTUBS

Karma Ghost

Last evening, I was at Sohan's pgp room watching "Karma Ghost", a flash clip introduced by smallbro ong. I am nv a huge fans of animations or cartoons, but this clip is really interesting and caught me captivated. I shall not reveal too much and let you watch it by yourself. OWY, u may like to provide the URL in my comment box to let them enjoy it.

Lately, I get to confront closely with this fact, that there are indeed several things which are very beneficial for us to do and follow, and yet we arent doing them. Similarly, there are many things which we shldnt do, and yet we still do them. But dun get me wrong, I am not refering to something general, like: "I know I shld meditate and keep the five precepts well but how come i am not doing them." Its something slightly more specific and subtle...

Last saturday evening during my CMC sitting, I was once again expecting myself to see the 'nimitta'. I was hoping to see some bright lights and also kept recalling some images which I have seen before. Perhaps sub-conciously, I was setting a benchmark for myself - 1)If i am able to see those images again, it means tat i have neither improved nor deproved. 2)If i am unable tosee those images, it means I have deproved. 3)If i am able to see even more images, it means I have improved!

All the while for samatha meditation, we have been told to focus diligently on our breaths, and not the nimitta (at least so not when our concentration is still weak). In other words, working & training on mindfuless and concentration are most important to us, not the nimitta yet. That evening, I deeply reflected on this fact, and immediately dropped off my habouring thoughts for nimitta. I thought: Its time to get smart and work on whats best for myself, so stop wasting time on something unneccesary. I had a pretty meaningful meditation session.

Also, I get to appreciate slightly more on the essence of buddhism on 'no self'. Its often the idea of 'self' that made us suffer, be it when ppl complain abt: Nobody cares for me, Nobody understands me, Others are not being fair to me, I am losing out to others, Why are ppl better than me? Why I fail to get this and that? ..... As the list of 'me' and 'I' gets longer, our sufferings grow larger and more intensive.

If we choose to walk the bodhisattva path, our focus and aim in life shld be helping all sentient beings. So does it still matter whether its Me, You, Him or Her?

Army Open House 2004

Today, I spent the almost entire of my day at the Army Open House 2004 with sumantri (didi). I have always been wanting to visit the AOH for the past few yrs but the conditions were nv ready. Finally I made my way there today.

Indeed, I wasnt surprised NOT to find many guys of my age grp at the AOH, as most of them shld probably be so sick with the army. Perhaps, some may harbour hatreds and resentments for it. Ya! i am the funny weirdo exception who doesn really hate the army that much.

Most of the stuffs i did wth sumantri today were not new to me, be it mounting and travelling on the Bionix Armoured Fighting Vehicle round the training area, firing the SAR21s with live rounds, doing the Standard Obstacle Course (SOC)etc. In fact, I felt a bit malu of 'cheating' them with the souvenirs as I had no problem crossing those SOC stations (I have done them in my army days). And I supposed most of the marshallers could guess tat and tats why they saw me also sian and they din really bother to demonstrate to us on how on how to cross the obstacles. Hmm.. i always thot i dun look very much like a singaporean? Poor sumantri had to cross those obstacles with the marshallers assuming he has done NS before.

Frankly speaking, most of what we did today (SOC, live-firing, mounting on Bionix) were much dreaded by most army guys, and even by myself during my army days. But the feelings of doing them today were much different from the past, with less pressure of cos. Today was probably the first time I walked into the live firing range and jumped into the fox hole feeling so chirpy, haha. In the past, either i was screwed by my instructors or I was the one screwing my men during the ranges.

I feel that one mini success i have achieved is my ability to psycho myself to view and convert negative things to positive ones. Army may be dreadful to many guys including myself, but I dun really hate it as much as most guys do. In fact, I got to appreciate the trainings and hardship days tat I ve been through months before I ORDed. I did a reflection then on how much I have grown, gained confidence and progressed in life. Thats probably why I nv had that repulsive a feeling towards the army compared to most other guys.





Jane, I din really like dogs, but purposely took this pic to make u feel jealous, akakaka...

Talk Too Much

Nale was asking me to consider contributing to the B-digest she will be preparing. Well, I know where I stand when it comes to writing serious articles, haha, but nvtheless, I will try to practise writing more on my self reflections in my blog (which i havent done so for so long), rather then shallow & meaningless reports on my daily encounters (which i have been doing much lately).

This evening, I attended the last session of the CMC evening meditation at Qing Liang Jing She. I even stayed on for the Dharma discussion, something which i havent done so for a very long too. The reason why I always leave immediately after the meditation session is because I did not enjoy the Dharma 'sharing' sessions.

Well, I have to admit that my own perceptions and reactions do play a significant part in contributing towards my negative attitude towards Dharma sharing sessions. While there are times that I feel very motivated and enjoyed the sharings by ppl, i found out that most of the time ppl were jus trying to voice out whatever they know, to a certain extent trying to show off. However, most of them still meant well and speak with very good intentions, jus that their eagerness to instil their thoughts and ideas to the rest often did not make the sharing sessions beneficial to them eventually.

Just now, the discussion topic was coincidentally on 'Approaching Death' too. The main issue discuss is about how can we let go of our attachments (family esp) and enter the bhikkuhood.

1) Guy A commented that if he were given a choice to look after his mum or go for ordination, he wud rather choose the former, for its his duty to take care of his mum.

2) Guy B kinda 'corrected' him by saying that we have not much time left to waste. He felt that we often claim that we feel guilty abt not taking care of our parents, but how come we wun feel the same if we know we have contracted a terminal disease any is dying soon? He felt tat its more of ourselves refusing to let go, and not becos our parents refuse to let us go.

I personally feel that such discussions were retundant. I dun find the sharing beneficial in anyway. And most imptly, these ppl most probably wun gain anything from the discussion after leaving the session too. Perhaps I have been talking too much in the past, often dominating the Dharma circles when i was in yr1-3 era, that now I feel ashamed and guilty of what i have done after some reflections.

Sometimes, there isnt really a need to open up my mouth. Before i speak, I shld ask myself: Is the sound I am intending to produce soon gonna be better off than the silence we are having now?

PS: it excludes writing this blog, hahaha

Circling the Dharma

Yesterday, I made a last minute decision to rush down to NUS for the Dharma circle, and fortunately i did.

I got this chance to meet up with one of our senior, Hwee Shan (who is probably 10 yrs my snr). Initially, her background didnt seem to impress me at all. Moreover, i am those typical ego kind of guy who tend to look down on ppl, and not easily convinced or impressed by others.

But after a sharing session with her of about 2.5hrs, I was deeply amazed and impressed by the compassion and positive energy she exudes. I guess she has become the idol of many of us overnight. Its indeed our collective karma to be able to meet up with her last evening. 'She is a bodhisattva' - as quoted from Gabriel Kalden.

During the first hour or so, the room was filled with much positive energy - a contribution from everybody's joyous mood + of cos the presence of Hwee Shan. Its definitely not a pyschological effect from myself as I din come with a very joyous and light-hearted mood. This positive feeling was felt gradually as the session proceeded.

Unfortunately, the session was somehow upset by a few mundane arguements on certain issues, which both nale and i felt was certainly unnecessary. While its good to clarify issues and raise questions, I felt there was this tendancy for ppl to correct others or forcely voice out what they know, be it from their own readings or whatever. The worse part was that the new guy was not even given a chance to finish his story on the turtle before he was 'corrected'. Those who din know the story will be hang puzzling in the air - what r u guys talking about!?

I believe many who were present last nite did have their own views and understandings of the analogy, just that they din see the need to voice out or argue. Afterall, the essence of the teaching is to practise the Dharma well and treasure human life.

On the other hand, I felt hwee shan was wonderful. Without rushing to voice out her views, the way she handled and reacted to someone 'correcting' her words was even more impressive. And wat touches me most was that most of what she shared with us last night were either her own or her friend's experiences, nothing much quoted from books or sutras.

Those who have met Ven Chun Hui (a NUS-grad theravadan nun) will find her a very compassionate nun. Ven Chun Hui told us 2 yrs ago that she didnt wanna join NUSBS initially, but merely wish to offer her friend (Librarian of nusbs) a helping hand, and thus, joined her as a sub-commer. And the librarian she mentioned is none other than Hwee Shan. And their president then actually conduct their own sessions on 'Cheng Fo Zhi Dao' Well. Well.... if only I was a student in their era.

Juggling

My msn is now busy flashing, with countless of messages sent over at almost every split seconds by 11 nusbs jnrs in a combined msn chat. I cant exactly follow what they are chatting about, but I hardly see them getting so excited. Perhaps the presence of some pretty gal(s) really helps? Kekekeke.... dun try too hard to impress ppl lahz.



Tonite is the third consecutive evening I have stayed out late to meet ppl up for the STIBS camp plannings. I remembered we used to spend up to 6mths to 1 yr to plan for a camp (nusbs FOC) in the past, but we are now only given 10++ days to start something from scratch. Its indeed a challenge, but having work with lotsa veterans, I am confident the camp will turn out well.

Its indeed my pleasure to be able to work with NTUBS ex presidents Liangshing and Justin, plus also our own nusbs ex Dharma Director Shiongwei on certain parts of the camp. Its my first time working with them on Dharma work.

Its indeed quite tough for a working class to juggle between work and doing the voluntary Dharma work. As a working class, we only have limited after-working-hours to work things out. More often than not, we were very tired after work. But stress and pressure given by both sides can sometimes be enjoyable, really, and that makes our life meaningful, isnt it?