Why me?

Last evening, I did not join in the CMC sitting but went to SL instead. Did a lot of chantings + walking around the temple + offering of lamp, flowers & water to the buddha. Its a break from my usual routine.

The guided meditation session by Bhante Gunaratana was very special. Not that I havent attended one before, but the atmosphere last night was rather unique. The lights in the meditation hall were switched off except those dim orangy lights shining on the very huge Buddha statue. Surrounding me were huge window panes in which behind are swaying trees of complete darkness. The talks by Bhante was punctuated by several quiet moments. In the dark, I looked at the huge smiling buddha statue and felt as if i was back in 2500 yrs ago, with fellow buddhists gathering around the Buddha listening to his sermon in the forest.

After which, I sent sumantri back to NTU and visited SiaoLang Ananda. The above pic was taken in his room. A very big and nice room indeed. Hope you can gradually detach from ur room, just like what I have to do a couple of months back. Sometimes I look at the pictures i took in my NUS rooms and feel very much like going back to stay.

Lately, I am getting very confused and worried about some matters regarding my spiritual path. I happened to chance upon some unpleasant encounter, and was pretty helpless on how I shld go about dealing with it. While it concerns my 'spiritual health' in practising the Dharma, it will also affect some existing buddhist community to a very GREAT extent. Sounds exaggerating? Well, its indeed a very SERIOUS issue which sent a buddhist senior alarmed after hearing my sharing about the matter. I will be working alongside with this senior, probably with some veteran buddhist advisors on how to go about dealing with this matter. Its too great a karma to bear shld we make the wrong choice, and yet we definitely cant sit back and do nothing. It will be another set of bad karma if we know it and yet we arent doing anything to stop the wrong doings.

This matter does not really make me depress, but it kinda discouraged me and make myself more skeptical towards people, esp those from established buddhist organisation or even established personnel themselves. While we often talk about showing compassion, loving kindness and forgiveness, these have to be done with wisdom. I have to confess i am really LOST, I really need spiritual guidiance.

Why does it happen to me?