Escapism Vs Confrontation

It has been over 2 long months since the relationship is over. I have not seen her for abt 7 weeks and we have not spoken or exchange smses for more than a month. Throughout this period, i try my best not to think of her or mention abt her in my conversations with my friends. As the days pass by, I felt lighter and feel my days brighter.

Last friday was my bday and foolishly, i have this little expectation tt she may sms me a birthday greeting out of courtesy. She didnt. And I received a piece of news from a common fren which slapped me real hard on my face - she has changed her hp number. A sudden surge of pain developed in my heart, which remains till today. And the subsq few mornings i wake up with her filling up my mind, AGAIN.

Well, i thought I have been recovering and progressing well, but obviously i havent. The pains i am feeling now shows that i havent gotten over it. On the surface, I may seem okie over the past month, but probably its jus a temporary escape. There are still elements of poisons remaining in me, awaiting for me to purge them out. It reminds me of the analogy that before you want to dye a piece of rag, u have to wash it thoroughly clean first.

Barry was telling me that instead of viewing them as poisons, i shld view them as an abyss. Its nice to stay there in the dark and bottomless pit, indulging in self-pity. Ironically, it makes us feel good, but only momentarily. Once we realise we are in it, we shld climb up fast, put everything behind and start to move on. But isnt this another form of escapism but not truely confronting the reality? I really duno.

One thing i realise i did a lot is giving myself tonnes of excuses, to prevent the closure of the entire episode. From time to time, i kept churning out possibilities to help defend for the actions of the other party that she isnt that heartless or merciless a lady. Melody was telling me that even though these excuses may turn out to be valid or true, i shld always view them in the most pessimistic angle - so that i can move on faster.

Its really very easy to succumb to a relapse and indulge myself in sadness again. I could give tonnes of reasons to justify why i shld remain sad - oh be patient ah, oh i need more time ah, oh its normal to feel sad ah etc. Not exactly a form of self pity but more on spoiling myself and allowing myself to remain sad. But conscious effort is required to put this to an end. I am trying hard, and i will succeed.