When an unpleasant feeling, physical or mental, arises in him, the wise man does not worry, complain, weep, pound his chest, pull his hair, torture his body and mind, or faint. He calmly observes his feeling and nis aware that it is only a feeling. He knows that he is not the feeling, and he is not caught by the feeling. Therefore, the pain cannot bind him. When he has a painful physical feling, he knows that there is a painful physical feeling. He does not lose his calmness, does not worry, does not fear, and does not complain. Thus the feeling remains a painful physical feeling, and its not able to grow and ravage his whole being.
Exactly one year ago, I was at my peak. In fact, the positive energy was built up the during the 2 short retreats which I attened prior to sch opening in Aug 2003. In addition to the wonderful conditions I had then, I felt good and was happy almost everyday.
But things are often too good to be true. The positive spirit suddenly died down fast and took a nose dive towards the end of the year. It never did go up steadily ever since, despite my great efforts in keeping my spirits up. Something is just bogging me down throughout, together with the various problems which I gradually face at home and at work.
But I am glad I have my friends around during this phase of my life. Sorry for all the complaints and nonsense I have been sprouting at some of u, esp on msn. Its just one way i release myself. And i have been oblivious and unconcerned with the problems my friends are facing, needless to mention about spending time listening and showing concern for them. Sorry I havent been myself for the past 1 yr...
Monday, October 18, 2004
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Making Use of Buddhism
Early this week, I spent some time re-decorating my office room with some buddhist postcards, bookmarks and picture cards. Also printed Sayalay's photo and paste it on the wall. My boss wasnt too comfortable seeing all these Buddhist related items, but well, I shall cooperate by not actively preach the Dharma at my work place.
Few days ago, a very nasty taxi driver barged into my office and complained about his vehicular problem. Apparently, my workshop is facing shortage in one of the vehicular parts and could only give him an alternative brand. He was very unhappy and insisted in having the 'original' one which is only available next month. He even suggested me taking it from the scrape cars or other unused taxis to fit into his taxi. I was at my wits' end on how to deal with him when all of the sudden, he turned very friendly. It was such an unexpected and abrupt twist that he eventually told me he was fine with the alternative brand, and did not mind coming down to the workshop next month for replacement after the stock arrives.
Shortly later, he pointed to those buddhist picture cards I have and told me he has plenty of them. After which, he persistently brought me to his taxi where he passed me one stack of those pic cards. I kindly rejected them but he insisted I keep them and claimed that there were some designs which I dun have on my wall. He even used the reason of "Help others to 'jie yuan' with buddhism" and encouraged me to distribute these pic cards to my colleagues. I finally gave in as the reasons he gave seemed so 'aspiring & meaningful'.
Yesterday, this driver came back again and shook my hand. He said that the 'alternative' brand was just as good, and praised my foreman and technicians for the great job done. He said he will be writing in some compliment letters for us. I told my boss about this driver and found out he is one of those 'listed' drivers that my workshop has highlighted for being "ngiao and demanding".
Well, I dun wish to use buddhism in such a way to solve my problem, and that certainly doesn potray very well on buddhists though...
Friday, October 15, 2004
Well done Lemoncow!
This evening I went for blood donation at SGH HSA. The queue today was very long at tbe blood bank. However, I am very pleased to see many working ppl rushing down from work to HSA for blood donation as friday is the only day that it opens till 8pm. And yeah, I got a very nice free blood donor t shirt from HSA!
After which, I proceeded down to NTU to meet the kichis for BS Supper. Prior to my donation, I have gone to the grocery shop to buy 2 loafs of bread. One giant loaf for riki kichi, and one banana flavoured gardenia bread for sumantri. I purposely chose 'banana' as I know he loves banana.
Unfortunately for sumantri, the entire banana loaf was soon eaten by the ppl while we were chatting, and thats even before we realised it. We have already placed the loafs aside but somehow...... Fortunately riki's loaf was 'saved'. Anyway, we din feel the pain of losing the bread but found the entire thing funny & hilarious. I may be buying more next week.
Oh yes, I wonder if anyone of you do follow lemoncow's blog closely. I like to read her blog most, as I find her manage to express her inner feelings well in her writings. Perhaps to her thats far from perfect, but to me, I am often touched by her writings - very sincere and real.
Cheer up everybody! Including myself...
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Bad MOooOooOOooD
I was in an extremely bad mood this morning. In fact, the negative energy is still very strong in me now.
My family siutation has gone from bad to worse. I quarrelled with my dad over some issues. I find myself being tapped and taxed too much in the family, both emotionally and financially. And it seems that my dad has made not much attempt to switch back to a humble and simple lifestyle after his 'retirement'.
At work, I have to face colleagues and customers who gave me different faces and attitudes. At home, I have to see those black faces who are at loggerheads. Its like living in hell.
My wish and will to live a renounce life grows even stronger. My manager told me its an escapism. But like what Ven Robina said: Do you laugh at an alcoholic who attempts to run away from liquor, that he is escaping?
I am not escaping from reality and problems, but I just wanna escape from those conditions and environment that add more problems to my life.
My family siutation has gone from bad to worse. I quarrelled with my dad over some issues. I find myself being tapped and taxed too much in the family, both emotionally and financially. And it seems that my dad has made not much attempt to switch back to a humble and simple lifestyle after his 'retirement'.
At work, I have to face colleagues and customers who gave me different faces and attitudes. At home, I have to see those black faces who are at loggerheads. Its like living in hell.
My wish and will to live a renounce life grows even stronger. My manager told me its an escapism. But like what Ven Robina said: Do you laugh at an alcoholic who attempts to run away from liquor, that he is escaping?
I am not escaping from reality and problems, but I just wanna escape from those conditions and environment that add more problems to my life.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Stop scolding, pleaseeee.....
This morning, I was walking along a narrow corridor approaching my manager's office when i heard shoutings from within. A lady colleague happened to walk behind me and both of us quickly stopped and dared not walked in further. We could recognise the shouting voice belonging to the senior engineer of my company(SE). He was scolding some junior staff in my manager's office.
Poor boy, all the jnr staff wanted is to voice out his unpleasantness at work to my manager. He complained abt unfair treatment given by the SE. Unfortunately, my manager has overestimated the SE's control in temper and invited him for clarification, and there the poor guy got a thrashing from the SE instead. The scolding was so intense that how i wished he could stop immediately. Stop scolding this poor guy, pleaseeeee.... scolding doesn help, does it?
This afternoon, we had a meeting with a supplier from XXX company. The boss is an extremely arrogant fellow. By right, he shld be getting into our good books since we are his customer, but for some particular reason, he was very nasty towards my manager. Perhaps he looked down on my manager as he looks very young. The words he refuted my manager were really unbearable whenever the latter tried to make some comments, and how I wish i could defend for my manager and talk back at him. @(*&(*@&#@*($#@(*
The working society is really filled with so many nasty fellows around. Firstly, there are ppl like the Senior Engineer of my company who doesn do much work except for bossing around, and the boss of XXX company who is so rude and nasty even towards ppl of management level.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can really survive in this society, considering my short temperedness. I am fortunate enough to have such a gentle and caring boss (except for the fact he is too old fashioned and inflexible). Being so spoilt by him, I worry I may not be able to survive well under my future bosses who definitely will not be half as nice as him. I am still in a very big and comfortable cushion.
Oh yea, one of my BS xiaomeis gave me a surprise for being attached to another BS guy of my batch. Although both were from BS, I nv recall them knowing each other, as the guy was pretty inactive in the society but did help us a lot in planning of some major events (in her absence though). Anyway, both parties are very nice ppl and gentle ppl, may they be well and happy!
Surprises surprises ... life is full of surprises. Isnt it great that sometimes you can still amuse yourself with little news here and there?
Poor boy, all the jnr staff wanted is to voice out his unpleasantness at work to my manager. He complained abt unfair treatment given by the SE. Unfortunately, my manager has overestimated the SE's control in temper and invited him for clarification, and there the poor guy got a thrashing from the SE instead. The scolding was so intense that how i wished he could stop immediately. Stop scolding this poor guy, pleaseeeee.... scolding doesn help, does it?
This afternoon, we had a meeting with a supplier from XXX company. The boss is an extremely arrogant fellow. By right, he shld be getting into our good books since we are his customer, but for some particular reason, he was very nasty towards my manager. Perhaps he looked down on my manager as he looks very young. The words he refuted my manager were really unbearable whenever the latter tried to make some comments, and how I wish i could defend for my manager and talk back at him. @(*&(*@&#@*($#@(*
The working society is really filled with so many nasty fellows around. Firstly, there are ppl like the Senior Engineer of my company who doesn do much work except for bossing around, and the boss of XXX company who is so rude and nasty even towards ppl of management level.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can really survive in this society, considering my short temperedness. I am fortunate enough to have such a gentle and caring boss (except for the fact he is too old fashioned and inflexible). Being so spoilt by him, I worry I may not be able to survive well under my future bosses who definitely will not be half as nice as him. I am still in a very big and comfortable cushion.
Oh yea, one of my BS xiaomeis gave me a surprise for being attached to another BS guy of my batch. Although both were from BS, I nv recall them knowing each other, as the guy was pretty inactive in the society but did help us a lot in planning of some major events (in her absence though). Anyway, both parties are very nice ppl and gentle ppl, may they be well and happy!
Surprises surprises ... life is full of surprises. Isnt it great that sometimes you can still amuse yourself with little news here and there?
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Not again Love...
Last saturday, I felt very bored in my office and decided to print out out some photographs using the given HP printer. I have been told that my office looked very bare and dull, and many suggested i place some decorations. So these photos would come in handy. Unfortunately, a few of my colleagues came in and commented I am 'hao lian' jokingly. To me, these graduation/commencement photos are just photos and I have no intention of showing off I am a graduate. I believe everyone who read my blog are either graduates or undergraduate themselves too, so you will know how I feel. Anyway, I will not remove them unless I really got sick of them myself.
Last evening, I chatted with 2 gals - one of them is my colleague (Jen) and the other is a gal (Jan) i acquainted from the internet (oh yeah, their names are really quite close). Both of them are troubled by love.
Jen met 'the guy' again last evening in town and she couldnt help but feel her heart sinking. This guy is a married man but was seen last evening with another 'new gal'. Well, love can really make the wise blind. Jen is a graduate just like myself but unknowingly she fell into his trap. It has been almost a year but she still find it very difficult to let go.
I tried to explain to her on attachments, and also to avoid producing those conditions that will make her miss him more - answering his phone calls, going out with him, SMSing him etc. She thought my these were great ideas.
Jan was more jialat. She was still unable to get over her ex-bf whom she broke up one yr ago too. To make the matter worse, she is still harbouring hatred and sore feelings towards the guy. Like what Kalden said : Love (bgr) often leads to posessiveness, which subsequently lead to selfishness and hatreds.
I tried to explain to her on the 2nd noble truth that its due to our attachments and cravings that lead to her sufferings. But she insisted that love without attachments is not called love, and loving someone without any attachment for that someone is being unfair to that someone :s The discussion got more tensed up as both parties tried to argue their way through.
I recalled the very much given advice that when I am unable to take care of my own emotions, its better that I dun try to handle or help others first. While I clearly see that she may not be that ready to accept the 'teachings', I was very eager to 'correct' her misconceptions on love (which she said attachment is compulsory), and to stop her from continuing to suffer more by having such wrongful thoughts. I was once again reminded of the adverse effects of being over-eagerly in sharing the 'Dharma'.
1) Thee ego in trying to correct others and instil what i know onto others
2) The over-eagerness in trying to get others out of the sufferings
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Commando Jetty
This is the Commando Jetty, which was used to ferry countless number of recruits from Singapore mainload over to Ladang Jetty at Pulau Tekong. Those friends who know me well will know that I love Tekong very much.
I pretty much remembered those miserable sunday evenings, that I have to wear my army No.4 uniform and jockey cap, carry a super heavy full pack (with lotsa unneccessary yet compulsory items inside), marching into the training shed with polish-shined boots. Those RPs (guards) often love to tekan us by making us re-do the entire procedure over and over again, hurling us with nasty remarks, until we finally get to reach the holding bay which was barely 15m away from the guardroom.
There were many unforgettable moments spent at the commando jetty. It was the place where i first tasted the army food, learnt how to tie my boots and fold my no.4 etc. Its the place where we discussed about our newly gotten A level results, the place where talked about chinese new yr plan etc. Its the place we dyingly looked forward to from tekong every saturday noon (the time to book out), yet it is also the place we dread to report to on every sunday evening when we have to book in.
Marching along the walkway from the holding area towards the ferry, we all knew that our wonderful weekend was completely over. Here we go again - and we have to wait for another week of trainings, tekanings and hardship, before we could be 'set free' again to book out on the next weekend.
And I nv know the commando jetty is so near my workplace. I was very sian one day that I drove out from work to visit the very famous Loyang Tua Pek Gong, and found that the commando jetty is just next to it! =)
Friday, October 08, 2004
Too Late
I got this news article from straitstimes online - Mr Eugene Lim is no longer in denial over the death of his wife, Mil-Com founder Diana Young. But while he is moving on, nights and Sundays are still hard
'It feels so strange stepping into Diana's office now. When I used to come in here, she would be right in this seat. I can hear her voice, see her expressions and sense her feelings and emotions,' he said.
'Now, all I have of her are pictures in the room.'
At first, things were awkward. Dinners were 'a bit quiet' then, but things are slowly getting back on an even keel.
Nights and Sundays are the worst, said Mr Lim. He sleeps fitfully, waking up every few hours to realise that his wife's side of the bed is empty.
It is quite a change from the past. 'We used to talk the most in our room, because in the day, everyone's too busy. Now, waking and finding that there's no one to talk to - that's the most difficult part.'
Sundays used to be family day, when all four went to church, did some shopping and had lunch together. Each family member took turns to decide what to have for lunch. Last Sunday, the remaining family spent the day together but there was no outing. They went to church then headed home. Lunch was fast-food takeaway.
The children are in the middle of their final examinations, and Mr Lim said they appeared to be coping well with the grief. But it will be some time before the pain really eases, he added.
Showing an SMS which Clovis had sent to his mother's phone after he knew she had died, Mr Lim struggled to hold back his tears. It read: 'Mummy, it may be too late already, but I love you.'
'It feels so strange stepping into Diana's office now. When I used to come in here, she would be right in this seat. I can hear her voice, see her expressions and sense her feelings and emotions,' he said.
'Now, all I have of her are pictures in the room.'
At first, things were awkward. Dinners were 'a bit quiet' then, but things are slowly getting back on an even keel.
Nights and Sundays are the worst, said Mr Lim. He sleeps fitfully, waking up every few hours to realise that his wife's side of the bed is empty.
It is quite a change from the past. 'We used to talk the most in our room, because in the day, everyone's too busy. Now, waking and finding that there's no one to talk to - that's the most difficult part.'
Sundays used to be family day, when all four went to church, did some shopping and had lunch together. Each family member took turns to decide what to have for lunch. Last Sunday, the remaining family spent the day together but there was no outing. They went to church then headed home. Lunch was fast-food takeaway.
The children are in the middle of their final examinations, and Mr Lim said they appeared to be coping well with the grief. But it will be some time before the pain really eases, he added.
Showing an SMS which Clovis had sent to his mother's phone after he knew she had died, Mr Lim struggled to hold back his tears. It read: 'Mummy, it may be too late already, but I love you.'
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Bai Yue Guang
I have heard the song Bai Yue Guang (by Jeff Chang) several times while driving but I did not have a liking for it. However, when I heard it in my workshop 2 evenings ago, blasted over the large speakers, I thought the song was splendid - talk about sound quality & effects.
I have stopped be-friending ppl from the internet ever since i stopped using MIRC some 4 years ago. 4 yrs ago, a gal out of the blue added me to her icq list, and I found out she was a fellow NUS freshman just like me then. We met up several times for meals outside, but have nv met up in campus before - thats funny. We share the common interest in singing and even sang to each other on the phone. But I have since lost contact with her after she went overseas midway through her studies.
With the introduction of Friendsters and other programs/service of similar nature, the craze of 'befriending' ppl online starts to pick up again. Recently, a gal msged me and offered her friendship. And we started chatting on msn. What makes the new found friendship interesting is that our conversation ended up with talking about religion, as I introduced to her on the 4 Noble Truths and Noble 8 fold paths. And it didnt take quite long before we found out we were fellow TJCians from the same batch :) She is even a close friend of Peifen back in TJC then...
What a small world
I have stopped be-friending ppl from the internet ever since i stopped using MIRC some 4 years ago. 4 yrs ago, a gal out of the blue added me to her icq list, and I found out she was a fellow NUS freshman just like me then. We met up several times for meals outside, but have nv met up in campus before - thats funny. We share the common interest in singing and even sang to each other on the phone. But I have since lost contact with her after she went overseas midway through her studies.
With the introduction of Friendsters and other programs/service of similar nature, the craze of 'befriending' ppl online starts to pick up again. Recently, a gal msged me and offered her friendship. And we started chatting on msn. What makes the new found friendship interesting is that our conversation ended up with talking about religion, as I introduced to her on the 4 Noble Truths and Noble 8 fold paths. And it didnt take quite long before we found out we were fellow TJCians from the same batch :) She is even a close friend of Peifen back in TJC then...
What a small world
Monday, October 04, 2004
Musavada Day
Today, I kinda broke the 4th precept, just to get myself posted back to my parent unit for reservist. I rang up the admin supervisor in charged (lets call her Miss T), who is a widow and a mother of 3 teenage sons. From my previous encounter with her during my last reservice, I realised that she is a very 'figure-concious' lady who is actually quite plump but can easily be flattered and will 'fly' if someone were to comment tat she has slimmed down or is getting prettier.
me : Hi is that Ms T? I am XXX
Ms T: You are no longer in our unit you know, why you still call here?
me : Ya la, you were the one who posted me out what... now i want to go back..
Ms T: No! Not me okay? Our unit too many ppl already.. very hard to come back
me : I am now posted to XXXX unit, good or not?
Ms T: Not bad one la... the CO quite nice....
me : Ms T, heard from Johnson you have slimmed down again...
Ms T: (very excited) issit? really meh? ya lor, i slim down a lot liao.... now XX kg
me : So good... i am very fat now liao u know?
Ms T: No la, you are tall, nvm one... u know u look like the 5566 singer XXX??
me : Ya la, but last time you said ppl say u look like Fann Wong wat...
Ms T: Haha ... I am old liao la, u r still young
me : You are old but you are a mother of 3 what, you are a mei li de ma ma (pretty mum)
Ms T: YAYAYA!!!! Today I took cab, the driver say i am a meili de mama also! So coincidental!
me : You are really one mah.....
me : I think beauty comes from within lor, if u r happy, u r pretty
Ms T: Ya lor, i am a very cheerful person, thats why i am pretty lor...
me : So how? can post back to the unit or not?
Ms T: Oh, actually all you need is to write a letter to request lor..
me : You welcome me or not? I scared....
Ms T: Of cos la! The more the merrier mah, somemore you helped me so much before..
me : (puzzled, cos i nv help her before) Oh thanks ah!
Ms T: Ya if you write in and they never reply, tell me, i will shoot them an email!
me : Paiseh leh Ms T, trouble you...
Ms T: No la... i feel guilty mah cos i posted you out..
me : (damm, just now u said u din...) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Haha trust me, I din exaggerate the conversation!!! Such a person really exist in the world, but if she is harmless and can remain so cheerful in life, whats wrong right? But its me... oh no.... the way to survive.
me : Hi is that Ms T? I am XXX
Ms T: You are no longer in our unit you know, why you still call here?
me : Ya la, you were the one who posted me out what... now i want to go back..
Ms T: No! Not me okay? Our unit too many ppl already.. very hard to come back
me : I am now posted to XXXX unit, good or not?
Ms T: Not bad one la... the CO quite nice....
me : Ms T, heard from Johnson you have slimmed down again...
Ms T: (very excited) issit? really meh? ya lor, i slim down a lot liao.... now XX kg
me : So good... i am very fat now liao u know?
Ms T: No la, you are tall, nvm one... u know u look like the 5566 singer XXX??
me : Ya la, but last time you said ppl say u look like Fann Wong wat...
Ms T: Haha ... I am old liao la, u r still young
me : You are old but you are a mother of 3 what, you are a mei li de ma ma (pretty mum)
Ms T: YAYAYA!!!! Today I took cab, the driver say i am a meili de mama also! So coincidental!
me : You are really one mah.....
me : I think beauty comes from within lor, if u r happy, u r pretty
Ms T: Ya lor, i am a very cheerful person, thats why i am pretty lor...
me : So how? can post back to the unit or not?
Ms T: Oh, actually all you need is to write a letter to request lor..
me : You welcome me or not? I scared....
Ms T: Of cos la! The more the merrier mah, somemore you helped me so much before..
me : (puzzled, cos i nv help her before) Oh thanks ah!
Ms T: Ya if you write in and they never reply, tell me, i will shoot them an email!
me : Paiseh leh Ms T, trouble you...
Ms T: No la... i feel guilty mah cos i posted you out..
me : (damm, just now u said u din...) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Haha trust me, I din exaggerate the conversation!!! Such a person really exist in the world, but if she is harmless and can remain so cheerful in life, whats wrong right? But its me... oh no.... the way to survive.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
No TV
Most of my close friends will know that I seldom watch TV.
When I was in the army, there was a TV in my bunk, but most of the time it was utilised by my bunk mates to play Play Station - hence no tv for me.
When i moved to NUS, I did not bring along any TV set with me. Neither did i visit the TV lounge nor bother to click on the NUSCAST to watch the TV programs - hence no tv still.
The introduction of TV mobile on SBS buses does not help either as I seldom travel on SBS buses. But this evening, I got this opportunity of travelling on a public bus with TV mobile, showing the Cancer Charity show. During that show time, it was veteran taiwanese singer Chen Sheng, singing his famous song ' One Night In Beijing'.
This reminded me of the time when I first heard this song which was 12 years ago. I used to have a small radio set placed at my study desk, passed down by my late maternal grandfather. Everyday, I would listen to FM93.3 without fail and hence, I got to know every single new song that was brought into the chinese pop industry. When I was away to Beijing for 3 weeks, I got a temporary 'cut off' from the chinese pop... and the very first song I heard on the radio in my room right after my Beijing trip was none other than "One Night In Being". I was still very "Beijing-minded" then that this song came at the right timing to touch my heart.
I feel that Chen Sheng sang the song superbly well jus now. The feelings were 100% there.... Yeah, I always judge a singer's capability by his/her live performances and not on CDs. Thats why i feel jolin tsai cnmi. And the compere of the show tonite, Tang Na, is herself an excellent singer too!
Happy 21st Birthday to Sumantri aka didi!!!
When I was in the army, there was a TV in my bunk, but most of the time it was utilised by my bunk mates to play Play Station - hence no tv for me.
When i moved to NUS, I did not bring along any TV set with me. Neither did i visit the TV lounge nor bother to click on the NUSCAST to watch the TV programs - hence no tv still.
The introduction of TV mobile on SBS buses does not help either as I seldom travel on SBS buses. But this evening, I got this opportunity of travelling on a public bus with TV mobile, showing the Cancer Charity show. During that show time, it was veteran taiwanese singer Chen Sheng, singing his famous song ' One Night In Beijing'.
This reminded me of the time when I first heard this song which was 12 years ago. I used to have a small radio set placed at my study desk, passed down by my late maternal grandfather. Everyday, I would listen to FM93.3 without fail and hence, I got to know every single new song that was brought into the chinese pop industry. When I was away to Beijing for 3 weeks, I got a temporary 'cut off' from the chinese pop... and the very first song I heard on the radio in my room right after my Beijing trip was none other than "One Night In Being". I was still very "Beijing-minded" then that this song came at the right timing to touch my heart.
I feel that Chen Sheng sang the song superbly well jus now. The feelings were 100% there.... Yeah, I always judge a singer's capability by his/her live performances and not on CDs. Thats why i feel jolin tsai cnmi. And the compere of the show tonite, Tang Na, is herself an excellent singer too!
Happy 21st Birthday to Sumantri aka didi!!!
Saturday, October 02, 2004
My Life is Degrading
Children's Day is over, so riki how u celebrate your day?
The offer by MOE is going to expire 3 days later, and I still havent officially rejected or accepted them yet. Although I will be able to by-pass the sch assessment period and enter NIE directly, I am still not very ready to go into the teaching line. Some told me that I will be condemed and blacklisted if I reject MOE again (yeah this is the 2nd time since 7 yrs ago), but I just couldnt care for now.
I am a very greedy person, as I am now tempted to get myself an overseas job. It seems that majority from my batch is leaving singapore for overseas job appointments. The early birds have kinda lose out in this aspect, as the 'late-comers' seem to get aplenty of overseas job opportunities which came pretty much later after we graduated - to USA, Japan, Germany etc.
I must have mentioned so many times in my blog that I am so used to staying 'outside' form home that I really wish I am not at home. Perhaps getting an overseas job is just an escapism for me from home. But going overseas is definitely a good thing, with invaluable experiences to gain and great exposure. Take care my friends!
I wrote an email to my manager last evening tell him all my displeasures at work. He replied me with an email, and also SMSed me about it. He gave me lots of encouragements and assure me that I am doing a good job. But then.... thats not what I needed right now. I told him the fact tat I wudnt wanna see myself taking up his role five yrs down the road, as thats not wat i wanted. His face turned a bit ugly, but I have to speak the truth. I also told him that I am too green and junior in this industry to hold up such a senior post. Its so hard to strike a balance between 'respecting the snr workers' and 'exercising my rightful authority' to get them to do work.
Like wat i told bean over msn right now, I still I have been living a degraded life, wasting my time for the past 4 months, working just for money. Life has never been so dull and meaningless during my days in sec sch, jc, army and needless to mention, NUS.
A taxi driver told me: Without us paying the company our taxi rentals... where u all get ur salary and jobs!?! So u all are relying on us and u shld serve us well!
I told him back: Well, without my ppl servicing your taxi and maintaining it, you cant even go out to pick passengers and earn a living! DUH!
= The inter-dependant relationship of human beings =
The offer by MOE is going to expire 3 days later, and I still havent officially rejected or accepted them yet. Although I will be able to by-pass the sch assessment period and enter NIE directly, I am still not very ready to go into the teaching line. Some told me that I will be condemed and blacklisted if I reject MOE again (yeah this is the 2nd time since 7 yrs ago), but I just couldnt care for now.
I am a very greedy person, as I am now tempted to get myself an overseas job. It seems that majority from my batch is leaving singapore for overseas job appointments. The early birds have kinda lose out in this aspect, as the 'late-comers' seem to get aplenty of overseas job opportunities which came pretty much later after we graduated - to USA, Japan, Germany etc.
I must have mentioned so many times in my blog that I am so used to staying 'outside' form home that I really wish I am not at home. Perhaps getting an overseas job is just an escapism for me from home. But going overseas is definitely a good thing, with invaluable experiences to gain and great exposure. Take care my friends!
I wrote an email to my manager last evening tell him all my displeasures at work. He replied me with an email, and also SMSed me about it. He gave me lots of encouragements and assure me that I am doing a good job. But then.... thats not what I needed right now. I told him the fact tat I wudnt wanna see myself taking up his role five yrs down the road, as thats not wat i wanted. His face turned a bit ugly, but I have to speak the truth. I also told him that I am too green and junior in this industry to hold up such a senior post. Its so hard to strike a balance between 'respecting the snr workers' and 'exercising my rightful authority' to get them to do work.
Like wat i told bean over msn right now, I still I have been living a degraded life, wasting my time for the past 4 months, working just for money. Life has never been so dull and meaningless during my days in sec sch, jc, army and needless to mention, NUS.
A taxi driver told me: Without us paying the company our taxi rentals... where u all get ur salary and jobs!?! So u all are relying on us and u shld serve us well!
I told him back: Well, without my ppl servicing your taxi and maintaining it, you cant even go out to pick passengers and earn a living! DUH!
= The inter-dependant relationship of human beings =
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Love & Clique
Its just a few days late (in Oct) that they will be getting their key to their new flat, but they declare a split :s - End of Story - My family luck?
I have seen so many victims of love around me. I have witnessed how love can send a person up the heaven, and crush them down mercilessly. Even though I have not really fallen deeply in love or hurt by it this life, I can kinda guess or imagine how hurting and bleedingly painful a broken heart feels. Perhaps I have gotten the experiences in my past life that I wudnt wanna have it again anymore.
Within my workplace, I can easily identify up to 5 to 6 pairs of MBA holders. What does MBA stands for? MBA = Married But Available. Even one my closest colleague admitted that he has slept with at least 3 female colleagues in my company, waLAOayzzs.
On the brighter side, I feel its very important to form our own clique at the workplace. With a strength of almost 300 ppl at my workplace, almost everyone is a taiji master. Their non cooperative behaviour sometimes make me wanna puke blood. Fortunately with my clique around, at least I have someone to complain to, joke around with, and have meals together. We give one another the moral support that we seriously need in the vicious working environment - No Man Is An Island -
I have seen so many victims of love around me. I have witnessed how love can send a person up the heaven, and crush them down mercilessly. Even though I have not really fallen deeply in love or hurt by it this life, I can kinda guess or imagine how hurting and bleedingly painful a broken heart feels. Perhaps I have gotten the experiences in my past life that I wudnt wanna have it again anymore.
Within my workplace, I can easily identify up to 5 to 6 pairs of MBA holders. What does MBA stands for? MBA = Married But Available. Even one my closest colleague admitted that he has slept with at least 3 female colleagues in my company, waLAOayzzs.
On the brighter side, I feel its very important to form our own clique at the workplace. With a strength of almost 300 ppl at my workplace, almost everyone is a taiji master. Their non cooperative behaviour sometimes make me wanna puke blood. Fortunately with my clique around, at least I have someone to complain to, joke around with, and have meals together. We give one another the moral support that we seriously need in the vicious working environment - No Man Is An Island -
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
O! My Home!
I feel I have a lot to share tonight, but I wouldnt wanna make my blog into a target board of complaints. Neither do I want to confuse my friends with what I wrote nor I wanna give them a misconception that I am just trying to AA. Well, I shall follow my heart.
I did not plan to visit NUS this evening for the mid autumn festival celebration. However, a msg from chin lee changed my mind. She thought I could help by 'interacting' with any new-comers that come tonight.
Yeps, there are a few very strong reasons why i still wanna attend NUSBS functions. A very obvious reason is to help out with my juniors/friends/brothers, supporting them in whatever I can. The next very strong reason is to interact with the new ppl and bring them closer to the society, and subsqly buddhism. I feel a greate sense of acheivement and find it very meaningful to provide a channel for these new ppl to know more abt the Dharma, even though I know my own limits.
On the contrary, I am not there to seek for a sense of belonging. I still pretty much prefer an individualistic lifestyle. A life with as little attachment as possible, including detachment from my own family or to anyone or any group.
Once again this evening, I get to interact with a new guy, who seemed quite interested in striking a conversation with me - Nothing much abt the Dharma though. And I reflected by taking a look at those ppl who were present this evening. I could vividly recall the different occasions which I got to interact with each and everyone of them when they were new-comers to the society. From David as a freshmen at matric fair 2001, to nale and nolittleway at PKS Dharma camp 2001, pearlyn as a freshman at FOC 2002 to OWY (Sentosa) & Zea (MRT) at Camp Voyage 2003 to new kids like Isen and Cindy at YIH Welcome Tea 2004.
The sad thing is that while I am willing to spend much time on my friends, I found myself spending too little time at home. Perhaps its really an escapism from home, or I am too used to staying alone outside. The worse thing is that my family is now pretty messy, and as a buddhist, I thought I shld be doing something to help my family.... but I have chosen to ignore and escape. My parents need my listening ears most, but I really feel sick listening to their incessant complaints abt life and each other.
I know I can do something, but i do not have the motivation and zest to do it. And i dun think i am doing it, as there is a risk I may break down myself too. Well well........
I did not plan to visit NUS this evening for the mid autumn festival celebration. However, a msg from chin lee changed my mind. She thought I could help by 'interacting' with any new-comers that come tonight.
Yeps, there are a few very strong reasons why i still wanna attend NUSBS functions. A very obvious reason is to help out with my juniors/friends/brothers, supporting them in whatever I can. The next very strong reason is to interact with the new ppl and bring them closer to the society, and subsqly buddhism. I feel a greate sense of acheivement and find it very meaningful to provide a channel for these new ppl to know more abt the Dharma, even though I know my own limits.
On the contrary, I am not there to seek for a sense of belonging. I still pretty much prefer an individualistic lifestyle. A life with as little attachment as possible, including detachment from my own family or to anyone or any group.
Once again this evening, I get to interact with a new guy, who seemed quite interested in striking a conversation with me - Nothing much abt the Dharma though. And I reflected by taking a look at those ppl who were present this evening. I could vividly recall the different occasions which I got to interact with each and everyone of them when they were new-comers to the society. From David as a freshmen at matric fair 2001, to nale and nolittleway at PKS Dharma camp 2001, pearlyn as a freshman at FOC 2002 to OWY (Sentosa) & Zea (MRT) at Camp Voyage 2003 to new kids like Isen and Cindy at YIH Welcome Tea 2004.
The sad thing is that while I am willing to spend much time on my friends, I found myself spending too little time at home. Perhaps its really an escapism from home, or I am too used to staying alone outside. The worse thing is that my family is now pretty messy, and as a buddhist, I thought I shld be doing something to help my family.... but I have chosen to ignore and escape. My parents need my listening ears most, but I really feel sick listening to their incessant complaints abt life and each other.
I know I can do something, but i do not have the motivation and zest to do it. And i dun think i am doing it, as there is a risk I may break down myself too. Well well........
Monday, September 27, 2004
Ugly world, still....
Throughout my uni life, I always thought that I have been very truthful (or you can say sincere & direct) to my friends, be it positive or negative comments I made to them. Now at work, I cant do the same and my everyday life is full of lies, wearing of diff masks and leading a rather insincere and pretentious life.
Even when talking to my juniors I have to be extremely sensitive, cautious and careful, for fear of hurting them. Thats not me and I dun like the way I am behaving now.
Back at home, I need to pretend to be cool, rational and un-emotional.
Its an ugly world, and I hate it.
Even when talking to my juniors I have to be extremely sensitive, cautious and careful, for fear of hurting them. Thats not me and I dun like the way I am behaving now.
Back at home, I need to pretend to be cool, rational and un-emotional.
Its an ugly world, and I hate it.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Over estimation
I am feeling extremely tired, for I have over-estimated by own stamina. Today, I slept from 2 plus straight after work all the way till evening time. I seldom take naps as I thought it slows my brain functionality. Today was an exception, i am getting old.
I almost forget the fact that I am holding a full time job. Having to wake up at 6 plus and reporting for work/course every morn, I continued my evenings after 530pm involving in some other activities. While the ppl around me were just as tired, I just realised the fact that I have been the last to reach home almost every night, to bathe, sleep and rest, and then to wake up earlier than them for the next day.
Definitely not trying to gain some recognitions, sympathy or credits, cos those were never my objectives for my actions done. But not so nice a feeling when ppl start to have misgivings abt your actions. I know I shldnt really be bothered how ppl view me or say abt me, but it serves as a disincentive to continue what I have aimed and planned to do, for the good of the community.
Like what Dr Kenneth Tan and Bhante Dhamaratana said last evening, many ppl are unwilling to give up their time for others. To me, i feel the "heart" is not fully there. When I really wanna do something, I will put my heart all out to do it, and not simply do it for the sake of doing it, not becos others want me or expect me to do it etc. Working alone and be responsible ONLY TO MYSELF is definitely different from working in a grp and being responsible to everyone in the grp. Many still cant get this fact right.
During my sch days, when i was feeling down, I can simply shut myself away from the rest of the world - go for an afternoon swim, evening jog, dun talk to anybody or hide myself in the hostel. But now i cant do the same in working life. I need to wear a mask at work everyday. No matter how tired or down i may feel, i still need to appear a smiley face in front of my clients, guests, bosses, workers and colleagues. I can no longer do whatever i like freely....
Well well..... the bottomline is - we must know how to take care of ourselves before we want to take care of others :D I have kinda overestimated myself a little this time.
I almost forget the fact that I am holding a full time job. Having to wake up at 6 plus and reporting for work/course every morn, I continued my evenings after 530pm involving in some other activities. While the ppl around me were just as tired, I just realised the fact that I have been the last to reach home almost every night, to bathe, sleep and rest, and then to wake up earlier than them for the next day.
Definitely not trying to gain some recognitions, sympathy or credits, cos those were never my objectives for my actions done. But not so nice a feeling when ppl start to have misgivings abt your actions. I know I shldnt really be bothered how ppl view me or say abt me, but it serves as a disincentive to continue what I have aimed and planned to do, for the good of the community.
Like what Dr Kenneth Tan and Bhante Dhamaratana said last evening, many ppl are unwilling to give up their time for others. To me, i feel the "heart" is not fully there. When I really wanna do something, I will put my heart all out to do it, and not simply do it for the sake of doing it, not becos others want me or expect me to do it etc. Working alone and be responsible ONLY TO MYSELF is definitely different from working in a grp and being responsible to everyone in the grp. Many still cant get this fact right.
During my sch days, when i was feeling down, I can simply shut myself away from the rest of the world - go for an afternoon swim, evening jog, dun talk to anybody or hide myself in the hostel. But now i cant do the same in working life. I need to wear a mask at work everyday. No matter how tired or down i may feel, i still need to appear a smiley face in front of my clients, guests, bosses, workers and colleagues. I can no longer do whatever i like freely....
Well well..... the bottomline is - we must know how to take care of ourselves before we want to take care of others :D I have kinda overestimated myself a little this time.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Ugly Human Beings
I am Ugly
I am feeling rather shameful for neglecting one of my friend's feelings. I dun mean that he needs my attention badly, but I was told he enjoys my company. Unfortunately, I havent been sensitive enough to him, and I (and we) did not realise he has been quite affected and upset over an incident.
I thought I have played my role as a senior rather lousily. I have been sub-conciously being selective over who to help. Thats the ugly me, playing double standards and neglecting the feelings of other sentient beings around me.
He is Ugly
He is really ugly. He is supposed to take charge of a major task but ended up his friends were doing it. To make things worse, he pushed the blame to his friends for not giving him feedbacks on the problems/difficulties they have faced.
"Why shld i be the one asking you for the updates? You shld be the one reporting to me on the updates instead!" Thats not a very healthy mentality. I have no choice but to whack this person upside down without giving him any face.
We are all ugly.
I am feeling rather shameful for neglecting one of my friend's feelings. I dun mean that he needs my attention badly, but I was told he enjoys my company. Unfortunately, I havent been sensitive enough to him, and I (and we) did not realise he has been quite affected and upset over an incident.
I thought I have played my role as a senior rather lousily. I have been sub-conciously being selective over who to help. Thats the ugly me, playing double standards and neglecting the feelings of other sentient beings around me.
He is Ugly
He is really ugly. He is supposed to take charge of a major task but ended up his friends were doing it. To make things worse, he pushed the blame to his friends for not giving him feedbacks on the problems/difficulties they have faced.
"Why shld i be the one asking you for the updates? You shld be the one reporting to me on the updates instead!" Thats not a very healthy mentality. I have no choice but to whack this person upside down without giving him any face.
We are all ugly.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Dun wish to say....
Once again, I have a lot of things in my mind which I thought I can 'report' in my blog, but I just dun have that much energy to blog them down.
Today, I went to ITE to attend a trainer course. The course was damm boring, so dry and monotonous. However, the ppl i met there were very nice and friendly. Among them were 3 from nursing profession , out of which 1 is a director of a nursing home. The others comprise ppl from airplane industry, chemical industry and even a 22 yr old hairstylist. Indeed a nice and interesting combi of ppl... but still, we all share the same sentiments that the facilitator was boring. Well, 3 more days to go....
The evening time was more lighted for me, as I joined the 26th MC in doing a simple dry run and mock set up for the exhibition. Hopefully they can rest well after buysing with BAW, and have a nice, meaningful and fruitful semester :D On top of the cultivational merits some of them have acheived through meditatation or other cultivations, the service merits they have accumulated thru their hard work for BAW are invaluable!
Oh yes Anananananda, I get to interact with several of the NTUBS xiaomeimeis during Camp Sadhu. They are pretty fun and cute wat... why u need to come all the way to NUSBS to get your own xiaomei? Anyway, I guess that my ties with the tertiary buddhist societies leaders do not seem to end any time soon.... I know i am getting old, but i am not at all bothered abt getting too attached to the student buddhist society or watsover, jus enjoy while you still can.
As what vincent lim said: Have you ever wondered why we are born in Singapore and not other countries? Do you see any purpose that we are born bilingual this life? Yes I get what he is trying to mean... dun waste what we are equipped with this life, make full use of our potential to help in propagating the Dharma.
Today, I went to ITE to attend a trainer course. The course was damm boring, so dry and monotonous. However, the ppl i met there were very nice and friendly. Among them were 3 from nursing profession , out of which 1 is a director of a nursing home. The others comprise ppl from airplane industry, chemical industry and even a 22 yr old hairstylist. Indeed a nice and interesting combi of ppl... but still, we all share the same sentiments that the facilitator was boring. Well, 3 more days to go....
The evening time was more lighted for me, as I joined the 26th MC in doing a simple dry run and mock set up for the exhibition. Hopefully they can rest well after buysing with BAW, and have a nice, meaningful and fruitful semester :D On top of the cultivational merits some of them have acheived through meditatation or other cultivations, the service merits they have accumulated thru their hard work for BAW are invaluable!
Oh yes Anananananda, I get to interact with several of the NTUBS xiaomeimeis during Camp Sadhu. They are pretty fun and cute wat... why u need to come all the way to NUSBS to get your own xiaomei? Anyway, I guess that my ties with the tertiary buddhist societies leaders do not seem to end any time soon.... I know i am getting old, but i am not at all bothered abt getting too attached to the student buddhist society or watsover, jus enjoy while you still can.
As what vincent lim said: Have you ever wondered why we are born in Singapore and not other countries? Do you see any purpose that we are born bilingual this life? Yes I get what he is trying to mean... dun waste what we are equipped with this life, make full use of our potential to help in propagating the Dharma.
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