Today, I started a new course at ITE, and the class turned out to be very fun. In fact, I did not even hold any expectation for the class prior to today as I have already lost the fire and excitment in me attending courses at ITE. However, it was a pleasant surprise today for me, as the class is not only small, but everyone is extremely sociable and chatty. Its only the first 2 meals and everyone started squeezing together at one big table for makan.
And yeah, finally on the 3rd course, there are chiobus in my class. And I am not talking abt 1 or 2, but 3 of them! In the past, my class comprised mainly aunties, and even the younger ones are jus so so or cannot make it. But today, the 3 young gals really look above average. There is this 4th one, young also but her looks are more plain, more like a xiaomeimei. But then among the 3, there is one that managed to make my heart jump a little bit faster.
Haha old habits die hard, I immediately 'searched' for on icq after turning on my PC at home. Thanks god she has a very unique name, i managed to find her, ahhaha! But she isnt online yet.... sighz. Scarli she is in invisible mode, and doesn wanna appear online to me, then tmr I see her will be damm malu. Perhaps I shld ask for her hp num by the end of the course.
For the entire day today, our eyes met a few times, and she would give me those very shy + uneasy smiles. Well well....... Someone ever told me that if you dyingly wish something to happen, then every single thing u see or hear will seem 'in line' with what you wanted it to be. It may turn out to be a fake reinforcement of your wish afterall. Anyway, just simply enjoy the process and not the final product. I know where I want and am heading to and so the final outcome will still be the same.... larrr.
Just finished watching the channel 8 variety show with my mum. I watched it becos SHE was on the show tonite... and wah piangz, i nearly fainted watching abt 5-6 grp of gals imitating SHE. I think some of these grps shldnt call themselves SHE but FAT. Not only are they fat, ugly but cannot dance & sing. I wonder if any foreigners were to turn on our national TV, they will be given the wrong idea how come singapore gals all look so ugly & terrible one ah? Nevertheless, there are still a handful of good ones, who can sing really well, esp the 3 12-yr old gals, who sang amazingly well at their age.
Alrite, i think too much of critics and harsh words tonite. Just feel very different whenever i am injected with a diff emotion during the day.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Nangis
Booohoooo...... riki nangis?
No la, riki s not crying, but merely shag out from stand-by-relics for the entire day at BL funfair. Echoing Oranda Olinda Ananda's msn nick, Sadhu to all helpers at BL funfair today. Good karma will support you in your future life.
Although I have mentioned about sighting of some entities at my home, but pls do not be afraid to come to my house. My room is still relatively brighter than most places, with a nice calm looking buddha statue watching over the room. And i strongly most imptly is still yourself.. keep ur spirits up by doing regular chantings, meditations and prostrations (as if i am doing that). Whoever wish to come to my house overnight and take a breathe at the morning reservoir air are most welcomed.
Oh yes, thank you to birdtan for letting me have his mattress.
Olinda aka Ananda aka Orandan aka Siaolang at Mr lim's house, sitting next to the ever-striking-the-same-pose riki. Meditation seems to have become only a pastime to me, instead of something compulsory in life.
Tmr I am still on course at ITE. Fortunately I am not going back to work, if not i will be super sian now. But then, wunt I have to face the music when i get back to work next week? Well, thats life...... life gets less and less meaningful when it gets more and more routined. No freedom and freeplay to do whatever you like, not much chance to create and carve the way you want it to be.
无能为力
Currently my fave song is "无能为力" by Zhang Jing Xuan. But i am not talking about the lyrics yet, its just that I find the melody very nice.
Also, I think the title itself is meaningful enough. I reminded myself that there are many a times that we are really 无能为力 with the situation we are in. V often, we are always in a rush to get ourselves out of the mud. Sometimes, we just have to flow along with the river, and not struggle too hard against the flow or get ourselves out of the situation.
I also reminded myself that a lot of things take time and patience, before we can get ourselves in the situation we wanna be in. We have forgotten to rest, or show compassion to ourselves. We used up too much strength that we ended up exhausted.
And in life, we cannot always expect everything to be in favour of us. We must accept that there are must be fair share of happiness, sadness, enjoyment & disappointment in our lives.
And remember, there are many things we are 无能为力. So how? Be patient and work for a better tommorow la!
Also, I think the title itself is meaningful enough. I reminded myself that there are many a times that we are really 无能为力 with the situation we are in. V often, we are always in a rush to get ourselves out of the mud. Sometimes, we just have to flow along with the river, and not struggle too hard against the flow or get ourselves out of the situation.
I also reminded myself that a lot of things take time and patience, before we can get ourselves in the situation we wanna be in. We have forgotten to rest, or show compassion to ourselves. We used up too much strength that we ended up exhausted.
And in life, we cannot always expect everything to be in favour of us. We must accept that there are must be fair share of happiness, sadness, enjoyment & disappointment in our lives.
And remember, there are many things we are 无能为力. So how? Be patient and work for a better tommorow la!
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Its Pure Sadness
"Its not frightening at all. Its pure sadness....." Quoted from Jane, who commented on the story I posted earlier on. I couldnt agree more. I decided to make my way to nanyang lake just now to get a feel of the atmosphere. Thanks to kichi for guiding me the way there.
I couldnt help but relate an almost past incident. I happened to chance upon some very well hidden WWII bunkers in NUS campus. Its an almost inaccessible site to the public, but somehow some karmic forces brought me there, as I bashed into the woods via Kent Ridge Road. I brought myself back to the bunkers the very next day after finding out its history. I tend to feel a lot of such places.... hmmm
3 more hectic days to go before I end the week. Today, my boss was complaining to me how stressful and heavy his work load is. Waseh... its really a less money but more work society we are getting on. Ppl out there who are inspired to ordain, pls go ahead and make plans for it. Its aint worth sloughing in the society like this.. unless u r badly in debts like me.
Its indeed pure sadness....... paradise? Its within our heart.
I couldnt help but relate an almost past incident. I happened to chance upon some very well hidden WWII bunkers in NUS campus. Its an almost inaccessible site to the public, but somehow some karmic forces brought me there, as I bashed into the woods via Kent Ridge Road. I brought myself back to the bunkers the very next day after finding out its history. I tend to feel a lot of such places.... hmmm
3 more hectic days to go before I end the week. Today, my boss was complaining to me how stressful and heavy his work load is. Waseh... its really a less money but more work society we are getting on. Ppl out there who are inspired to ordain, pls go ahead and make plans for it. Its aint worth sloughing in the society like this.. unless u r badly in debts like me.
Its indeed pure sadness....... paradise? Its within our heart.
Monday, November 15, 2004
My Nokia 6610i
I am now holding on to my dearest newly bought nokia 6610i. Its so nice, its so beautiful. I am going to hug it to sleep tonight. Just like driving which I have to keep my sight on the rear mirror every 5 seconds, my eyes will be on my nokia every 5 seconds too. Aww.... my dearest nokia 6610i, I just cant keep my hands and eyes off you. Hahahahaha!!!!
I have this unexplainatory funny feeling in me this evening. Its not exactly those extreme negative ones which can be used to predict bad things that will happen tmr. Its somewhat like a huge pang of doubt stuffing within.
Anyway, I realise that I have been drifting away from the Dharma. And no, i am feeling no urgency to get myself back 'on track' to embrace the Dharma. In fact, I shldnt judge myself or anyone, or even have the slightest thought on which level or how far i/he/she have advanced in Dharma cultivation.
I ever thought that I shld take a 'break' from cultivation. But I later laughed at myself for being so ignorant, of seeing cultivation as an enforcement to myself, or perhaps a jail to keep myself improving. Thats not the way.... tats all the wrong views that keep us going in cycles.
Back to the ghost story in my earlier entry. Whats your first impression when u read it? Do you treat is just like any other ghost stories? If your are compassionate enough, you should be feeling sorry, or at least something for the poor soul, that has been hunting around of her bf in the campus halls. If the story is really true, may you be well and happy, and have an early good rebirth.
I have this unexplainatory funny feeling in me this evening. Its not exactly those extreme negative ones which can be used to predict bad things that will happen tmr. Its somewhat like a huge pang of doubt stuffing within.
Anyway, I realise that I have been drifting away from the Dharma. And no, i am feeling no urgency to get myself back 'on track' to embrace the Dharma. In fact, I shldnt judge myself or anyone, or even have the slightest thought on which level or how far i/he/she have advanced in Dharma cultivation.
I ever thought that I shld take a 'break' from cultivation. But I later laughed at myself for being so ignorant, of seeing cultivation as an enforcement to myself, or perhaps a jail to keep myself improving. Thats not the way.... tats all the wrong views that keep us going in cycles.
Back to the ghost story in my earlier entry. Whats your first impression when u read it? Do you treat is just like any other ghost stories? If your are compassionate enough, you should be feeling sorry, or at least something for the poor soul, that has been hunting around of her bf in the campus halls. If the story is really true, may you be well and happy, and have an early good rebirth.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Visit to Mr Lim's House
With regard to my previous entry, I got a huge collection of ghost stories from all over - friends, internet, and self experiences. I almost forgot tat I was once labelled as a good ghost story teller by some NUSBS jnr gals some 3 yrs back. It started all becos of some unpleasant encounters some snrs and I had while planning for FOC2001 at Sci Faculty.
What triggered me off to get back to ghost stories was due to a conversation with songgechan & teddy last week at NTU. They seemed to be v interested in ghost stories too, esp the former, who was following closely to one ghost story website. Anyway, the very few movies i watched in recent yrs were the ghost ones - The Ring, Juon 1 & 2 etc.
This evening, I visited Mr Lim's house as usual for meditation. Had a very nice and pleasant sitting, although I only managed to settled down into concentration after half an hr. The earlier half was a tough struggle. Thanks to the several swimming sessions I have over the past week, I dun feel much pains or sores over my body this evening.
After leaving Mr Lim's house, I visited Mr Lim Lang Siao (Lin Ren Feng) aka Lim Siao Lang's house at AMK. A very big house, very conveniently located with KFC, Long John Silver and Mac within very short walking distance. A good place, dun move out la... some more got free automatic alarm clocks. I shant thank him for the 'invitation' to his house since its a self invitation I requested myself, haha.
A fren just msged me a pretty vague sms, didnt sound too good. I hope my friend is alright. May you tide over the tough time. And hopefully the very-long-time-never-mention smallbro Ong has fully recovered from his fever. Hey manz, everytime I fell ill prior to exams, i sure can do very well after that. Good luck for ur exams!
What triggered me off to get back to ghost stories was due to a conversation with songgechan & teddy last week at NTU. They seemed to be v interested in ghost stories too, esp the former, who was following closely to one ghost story website. Anyway, the very few movies i watched in recent yrs were the ghost ones - The Ring, Juon 1 & 2 etc.
This evening, I visited Mr Lim's house as usual for meditation. Had a very nice and pleasant sitting, although I only managed to settled down into concentration after half an hr. The earlier half was a tough struggle. Thanks to the several swimming sessions I have over the past week, I dun feel much pains or sores over my body this evening.
After leaving Mr Lim's house, I visited Mr Lim Lang Siao (Lin Ren Feng) aka Lim Siao Lang's house at AMK. A very big house, very conveniently located with KFC, Long John Silver and Mac within very short walking distance. A good place, dun move out la... some more got free automatic alarm clocks. I shant thank him for the 'invitation' to his house since its a self invitation I requested myself, haha.
A fren just msged me a pretty vague sms, didnt sound too good. I hope my friend is alright. May you tide over the tough time. And hopefully the very-long-time-never-mention smallbro Ong has fully recovered from his fever. Hey manz, everytime I fell ill prior to exams, i sure can do very well after that. Good luck for ur exams!
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Searching for ae2004???
Two student couples were chatting about love late at night at about 3:00a.m near a lake in a university campus in singapore. The girl asked the boy "Do you really love me?" Then the boy feeling shy don't want to answer her. But she felt frustrated by her boyfriend's behaviour got up nervously and suddenly lost balance and fell in the lake which is very deep and she cannot swim and neither can her boyfriend. The boy stood there helplessly in a state of shock watching her drown. He later called the police and ambulance to find the corpse but her body could not be found. He felt deeply terrible about himself after the tragedy.
Two days later in the hostel of hall X, he hear 4 soft knocks on his door about 3:00a.m and his hair went up when he heard the voice of her girlfriend saying "Darling are you in the room". He was so scared he could not scream at all but jumped on his bed and trembled. Every night about 3:00a.m, he heard the 4 soft knocks on the door and the voice saying" Are you inside the room?". As usual he jumped on his bed and hide trembling under his blanket. After a week, he decided to go to the hostel officer and asked for a change of Hall of residence.
For 2 months, he never heard anything then suddenly, he heard four soft knocks again on his door around 3:00a.m and the voice of his dead girlfriend. This time he is so scared he went to hide under the bed and to his terror, he saw two horrible white eyes covered with wet hair looking at him from the space below the door and the voice yelled " OH IT'S YOU, OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, DO YOU STILL LOVE ME OR NOT, OPEN I SAY!" and the thing outside the door gave huge bangs on the door like wanting to break it and then after a few minutes of hard knocks on the door by the creature, the poor boy fainted below the bed.
The creature had been knocking on each hostel door to look for his boyfriend and finally managed to find him. The creature has been moving around hostels upside down with the head on the floor and feet upwards.
They said that every night, the dead girl's roommate saw wet footprints in her room and the bed of her dead roommate is always wet as from 3:00a.m everynight...........
Two days later in the hostel of hall X, he hear 4 soft knocks on his door about 3:00a.m and his hair went up when he heard the voice of her girlfriend saying "Darling are you in the room". He was so scared he could not scream at all but jumped on his bed and trembled. Every night about 3:00a.m, he heard the 4 soft knocks on the door and the voice saying" Are you inside the room?". As usual he jumped on his bed and hide trembling under his blanket. After a week, he decided to go to the hostel officer and asked for a change of Hall of residence.
For 2 months, he never heard anything then suddenly, he heard four soft knocks again on his door around 3:00a.m and the voice of his dead girlfriend. This time he is so scared he went to hide under the bed and to his terror, he saw two horrible white eyes covered with wet hair looking at him from the space below the door and the voice yelled " OH IT'S YOU, OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, DO YOU STILL LOVE ME OR NOT, OPEN I SAY!" and the thing outside the door gave huge bangs on the door like wanting to break it and then after a few minutes of hard knocks on the door by the creature, the poor boy fainted below the bed.
The creature had been knocking on each hostel door to look for his boyfriend and finally managed to find him. The creature has been moving around hostels upside down with the head on the floor and feet upwards.
They said that every night, the dead girl's roommate saw wet footprints in her room and the bed of her dead roommate is always wet as from 3:00a.m everynight...........
Friday, November 12, 2004
Exams
The entire campus is mugging. The daily routine of reporting to the library early in the morning to chop the good seats, reporting to Arts canteen for lunch, reporting back to library to mug, reporting back to Arts canteen for dinner, reporting back to library to mug, reporting back to hall to sleep. The next day begins...
Sometimes, the routined lifestyle is disrupted by public holidays. Everyone will be worried about their meals, since all the campus canteens are not opened. Most of the time, ppl wud walk to Fong Seng or NUH. Mac Donald's came pretty much later but most ppl soon got very sick with fastfood.
Remember those days where almost the entire corner of cen lib level 4 would be occupied by BS ppl & frens - as many as 20 over of them. We even spiced up our mugging days by wearing the same BS t shirt on the same day for different days. One day, we would all be in dark blue, the next day all in black, and not to forget the striking yellow Tee...
Meal time wud be the most fun time, a break from the long hrs of mugging in the freezing cold library. Remembered talking and laughing non stop at the canteen, often very reluctant to return our plates to the collection point and proceed back to the lib for study.
As the exam period goes by, less and less ppl would remain in the mugging group as one by one, the ppl were finishing with their exams. Engin was always the last... and hence, I was always among the last few left mugging in the library. Sunset is always the most beautiful scenery from cen lib level 6 - and i witnessed the gradual facelift of NUS cen lib from the 1980s to the modern 2003 design.
Work hard everyone, yeah?
Sometimes, the routined lifestyle is disrupted by public holidays. Everyone will be worried about their meals, since all the campus canteens are not opened. Most of the time, ppl wud walk to Fong Seng or NUH. Mac Donald's came pretty much later but most ppl soon got very sick with fastfood.
Remember those days where almost the entire corner of cen lib level 4 would be occupied by BS ppl & frens - as many as 20 over of them. We even spiced up our mugging days by wearing the same BS t shirt on the same day for different days. One day, we would all be in dark blue, the next day all in black, and not to forget the striking yellow Tee...
Meal time wud be the most fun time, a break from the long hrs of mugging in the freezing cold library. Remembered talking and laughing non stop at the canteen, often very reluctant to return our plates to the collection point and proceed back to the lib for study.
As the exam period goes by, less and less ppl would remain in the mugging group as one by one, the ppl were finishing with their exams. Engin was always the last... and hence, I was always among the last few left mugging in the library. Sunset is always the most beautiful scenery from cen lib level 6 - and i witnessed the gradual facelift of NUS cen lib from the 1980s to the modern 2003 design.
Work hard everyone, yeah?
如来神掌
This evening, I went out with my engin friends (plus their gf/bf)at Bugis. During the chats, I heard them mention about "如来神掌". It is a term which I havent heard for many years, and I recalled tat I used to love playing around with my kid frens and pretending we have the "如来神掌" kungfu
It nv occur to me that something is wrong with this term until this evening. How can 如来 be associated with 神? In fact, its also wrong to use 如来 together with 佛 (as in 如来佛). It may be just names but I think as a buddhist, I shld be using the terms correctly.
And yes, I have to thanks Jane for her 'offer' to send Bryan home.... Thanks leh Jane. Haha, but really thanks to her for inviting me to join the birthday dinner. These ppl are my project mates but I havent been mixing with them much ever since we completed our HRM module. Sometimes, I feel a bit guilty and wudnt be surprised if someone were to label me as a 见风使舵 or 过桥抽板 kind of person. But of cos thats not true to me....
I am reporting back to work, and although its jus another day to weekend, I could feel the immense sianness in me having to go back to work. There is actually nothing with my job, pay is quite good, job scope not very tough and stressful, ppl are nice, but I just dread working life. Perhaps i have enjoyed freedom in my life too much in the past that I am unable to accept working life.
Was telling bryan on our way back that it has never occured to me that my family wud one day need my financial support, like now. Just barely months before I graduated from NUS, I thought it is not a problem for me to take a yr's leave to go overseas and experience life and such. I nv thought my I wud need to work and earn money to support my family tat urgently. I nv thought my family 'would ever need me'.... as a results, a lot of dreams were crushed or have to be put on hold..
But no, i am not complaining about my life. I still feel that I am enjoying my good karma of getting almost everything I need. Perhaps in time to come, I would gradually feel that more things are missing in my life.
It nv occur to me that something is wrong with this term until this evening. How can 如来 be associated with 神? In fact, its also wrong to use 如来 together with 佛 (as in 如来佛). It may be just names but I think as a buddhist, I shld be using the terms correctly.
And yes, I have to thanks Jane for her 'offer' to send Bryan home.... Thanks leh Jane. Haha, but really thanks to her for inviting me to join the birthday dinner. These ppl are my project mates but I havent been mixing with them much ever since we completed our HRM module. Sometimes, I feel a bit guilty and wudnt be surprised if someone were to label me as a 见风使舵 or 过桥抽板 kind of person. But of cos thats not true to me....
I am reporting back to work, and although its jus another day to weekend, I could feel the immense sianness in me having to go back to work. There is actually nothing with my job, pay is quite good, job scope not very tough and stressful, ppl are nice, but I just dread working life. Perhaps i have enjoyed freedom in my life too much in the past that I am unable to accept working life.
Was telling bryan on our way back that it has never occured to me that my family wud one day need my financial support, like now. Just barely months before I graduated from NUS, I thought it is not a problem for me to take a yr's leave to go overseas and experience life and such. I nv thought my I wud need to work and earn money to support my family tat urgently. I nv thought my family 'would ever need me'.... as a results, a lot of dreams were crushed or have to be put on hold..
But no, i am not complaining about my life. I still feel that I am enjoying my good karma of getting almost everything I need. Perhaps in time to come, I would gradually feel that more things are missing in my life.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Bumping around
Lately, I can feel the motivation in me to update my blog everyday. I do not know the precise reason, but I guess it has to do with my mood. And my intention and motivation to write blog varies from time to time.
In the past, I used to write blog (easyjournal) as a form of self reflection. Gradually, my blog mutated into something like a diary, keeping my friends updated of myself. Subsequently, my blog became tainted with undesirable elements of hatred and ignorance. It became a channel for me to voice out my displeasures, vent my frustrations, and sometimes sending under current msgs to certain ppl, whom i know will read my blog.
And now, blog writing is more like a past time which I no longer take it seriously. The words which you read now are more like blabberings from me, occasionally accompained with some interesting pics to break the monotony of the page. Things written here shld be read and forgotten.... its really just like a past time.
My 2nd course at ITE ended today. Time flies amazingly + freakingly fast. Jus days ago, we were strangers sitting side by side, followed by engaging in several group proj & discussions. Today, everyone was bidding each other farewell with exhanging of name cards. And we all know that probably we wun get to see one another ever again this life. Tats life - ever changing.
Went over to nus campus this afternoon as my course ended by lunch time. Parked my car at engin and walked to the Arts canteen. The distance seemed to be much longer than the past, probably becos I have been walking blindly almost everyday in the past, without paying attention to the things in my path - so the distance seemed shorter then. Along the way, I thought I saw some familiar faces ie. Edward dashing across the engin bridge, Mingxin on service A1, but of cos all these were nothing but illusions. All those faces which I see almost everyday in campus last time are gone for good.
...but in the end saw funnybean who was on her way to go shopping from campus!?
If the 'theory' I heard is true, I shld live no older than 45 yr old. I have ever written abt this in my previous blog entry, and I may write again to explain why I believe its true.
In the past, I used to write blog (easyjournal) as a form of self reflection. Gradually, my blog mutated into something like a diary, keeping my friends updated of myself. Subsequently, my blog became tainted with undesirable elements of hatred and ignorance. It became a channel for me to voice out my displeasures, vent my frustrations, and sometimes sending under current msgs to certain ppl, whom i know will read my blog.
And now, blog writing is more like a past time which I no longer take it seriously. The words which you read now are more like blabberings from me, occasionally accompained with some interesting pics to break the monotony of the page. Things written here shld be read and forgotten.... its really just like a past time.
My 2nd course at ITE ended today. Time flies amazingly + freakingly fast. Jus days ago, we were strangers sitting side by side, followed by engaging in several group proj & discussions. Today, everyone was bidding each other farewell with exhanging of name cards. And we all know that probably we wun get to see one another ever again this life. Tats life - ever changing.
Went over to nus campus this afternoon as my course ended by lunch time. Parked my car at engin and walked to the Arts canteen. The distance seemed to be much longer than the past, probably becos I have been walking blindly almost everyday in the past, without paying attention to the things in my path - so the distance seemed shorter then. Along the way, I thought I saw some familiar faces ie. Edward dashing across the engin bridge, Mingxin on service A1, but of cos all these were nothing but illusions. All those faces which I see almost everyday in campus last time are gone for good.
...but in the end saw funnybean who was on her way to go shopping from campus!?
If the 'theory' I heard is true, I shld live no older than 45 yr old. I have ever written abt this in my previous blog entry, and I may write again to explain why I believe its true.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Hao Lei Ah
My eyes are straining as I type this blog. It has been such a tiring day. But as my day gets more interesting, I tend to write more.
My course today at ITE kinda turned better, as there were more laughters and interactions among the course mates. Yeah, I love to be in an environment whereby everyone started off as a stranger, and gradually get to bond and gel up as the days progress. Similarly for my previous stays in hostel/hall, I wouldnt mind allocated to a cluster or floor whereby I duno anyone. Its always nice to leave the comfortzone and get to know the ppl.
There are a total of 17 ppl in my present course, and most of them hold snr posts at their work place. Comparatively, I am the most green and inexperienced guy around. And because of the posts they are holding, I find that these ppl tend to be very pressing, persistent and strong on their personal views. Probably they are too used to commanding and teaching ppl at their work place.
On comparison with my previous course, my former course mates were a much gentler and friendly lot. Probably the class size matters too (there were only 12 of us then), everyone was able to communicate very well, and we even crowd around one huge table for meals. There are cliques in my present course now, which I dislike most.
After my course today, I rushed down to NUS to help prepare for the exam dinner. Have to go Georgie Mart to purchase another bottle of syrup which was eventually not even consumed. Nevertheless, I thought Chin Lee (and whoever helped her) has planned the event pretty well, as everything was going smooth and fine. Well done really....
Sent a BS snr home and the journey was...... however, we had a good chat over certain issues. And I found out that he enjoys the same drama as me - Jie Da Huan Xi, which is probably the only drama i have watched (and has the appeal to keep me watching) in recent years.
Just completed some my course assignments which is due tmr. Will try to complete the rest tmr morning before my lesson starts. Really shag out..
My course today at ITE kinda turned better, as there were more laughters and interactions among the course mates. Yeah, I love to be in an environment whereby everyone started off as a stranger, and gradually get to bond and gel up as the days progress. Similarly for my previous stays in hostel/hall, I wouldnt mind allocated to a cluster or floor whereby I duno anyone. Its always nice to leave the comfortzone and get to know the ppl.
There are a total of 17 ppl in my present course, and most of them hold snr posts at their work place. Comparatively, I am the most green and inexperienced guy around. And because of the posts they are holding, I find that these ppl tend to be very pressing, persistent and strong on their personal views. Probably they are too used to commanding and teaching ppl at their work place.
On comparison with my previous course, my former course mates were a much gentler and friendly lot. Probably the class size matters too (there were only 12 of us then), everyone was able to communicate very well, and we even crowd around one huge table for meals. There are cliques in my present course now, which I dislike most.
After my course today, I rushed down to NUS to help prepare for the exam dinner. Have to go Georgie Mart to purchase another bottle of syrup which was eventually not even consumed. Nevertheless, I thought Chin Lee (and whoever helped her) has planned the event pretty well, as everything was going smooth and fine. Well done really....
Sent a BS snr home and the journey was...... however, we had a good chat over certain issues. And I found out that he enjoys the same drama as me - Jie Da Huan Xi, which is probably the only drama i have watched (and has the appeal to keep me watching) in recent years.
Just completed some my course assignments which is due tmr. Will try to complete the rest tmr morning before my lesson starts. Really shag out..
Monday, November 08, 2004
One more baby
Here comes one more baby - daughter of my cousin (biao jie). This evening, I attended a wedding dinner of one of my cousins. As I have mentioned earlier, the liking of babies runs in the blood of my family. Everyone in the family, esp my youngest and 4th aunt, were 'snatching' to carry the poor baby.
Today, I attended another course at ITE. I realise that whenever I pinned up too high a hope on certain events/functions, the end results would always be disappointing. On the other hand, if I were to lower my expectation on certain things, the end results will always turn out to be much better. Last evening, I was feeling quite sian abt attending the course today at ITE. Hence, I thought today would be fine, but it turned out to be even more sian than I have expected it to be....
Well, if you (a general you) think just becos you r an undergrad or graduate, you will be smarter and better than the rest of the society, then u have to think twice. Most of my fellow course mates at ITE are not graduates, but ppl of age around 40-60. However, the way they present themselves and argue their way through during the course win me hands down...... damm impressed. I guess experience really counts much more than the theories we have learnt in uni.
Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Akaaaa Ananda.... celebrating your 8th or 9th bday?
Sunday, November 07, 2004
The In Hairstyle
Presenting the 4 botaks of NTUBS, courtesy of Sumantri's nokia camera phone.
Unlike the previous sundays, I have no activity today. Hence, I decided to drive down to NTU campus and enjoy the peacefulness there. Thanks to the surrounding quiet environment, which comprises several large cemetries of the muslim, catholics, christian and chinese, plus huge acres of forested training ground for the army + the live firing area. If you dun believe, take a look at the singapore map. NTU is jus next to a large piece of rural green.
Tried the SRC for the first time. The pool is extremely clean (nus one is also clean), which is the reason why I nv like to visit the public pools ever since I entered NUS. Furthermore, there were very few swimmers, which make undisturbed lap swimming possible. One advantage over NUS pool is that the water is not as chlorinated. The air seems to be fresher too, unlike NUS pool which is located next to AYE.
After which, I found myself a quiet & shady carpark at SIMTECH to wash my car. Its not about saving water (anyway, my fuel of travelling to ntu cost much more than the water), but the convenience of reaching the water supply. With the tap just a few steps away, I was able to give my partner a thorough clean under the hot yet shady + peaceful + quiet afternoon. I have spent very long hrs washing my previous cars (both of which were white) in PGP, but this is the very first time I did for partner since i have it 4 months ago.
This evening, I have my usual meditation session with Teddy, Ananda and Melvin. I am getting more comfortable with Mr Lim's place as the weeks go by. I have been to quite a few other meditation sessions but Mr Lim one is rather different. After every sitting, there will be a mini makan session, which I thought is a pretty good idea. Buddhism is not always about sitting + chanting + discussion of Dharma anyway, thats far too dry to attract ppl living in the urban city like us.
Anyway, I enjoyed myself today. Havent felt so light for such a long time, hopefully the coming course I am attending tmr will be a good one. ITE is afterall not as fun as I perceived it to be....
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Too much thoughts
Nowadays, I seldom update my blog as often, not because I have nothing much to write. In fact, I have too much thoughts in my mind that I duno which to pen down. In the end, I decided to let them go, and pen down only when I feel like doing so.
Last evening, I attended the 2nd half of the meditation session at PGP. The number of participants were small, and most were unfamiliar faces. Isnt it a wonderful feeling staying in campus, where you can clad simply in your comfortable t-shirt, sandles, hop down to the function room to attend evening Dharma sessions? Life as a student has tat freedom to do the things you like.... but many ppl are not appreciating campus life.
Last evening, I had a pretty long chat with Ven Fa Rong from Sagaramudra Buddhist Society in my mini van. Ven Fa Rong is the very first venerable that i 'befriended' and interacted with this life. I remember him vividly as the monk by the receptionist counter, asking for my name when I stepped into the old Hai Yin temple 4 yrs ago. Subsequently, I attended a meditation course conducted by him, and he brought me and a few bs friends to a meditation retreat at Batu Pahat some time later.
When asked if he remember the guy whom I brought to see him to 'read' his life, he said yes. But when I ask if he know he the same guy that fetched him home in taxi every week for the past month after the PGP meditation session, his answer was negative. Well, he must have grown so much that Shifu was unable to connect the 'two person' as one.
I asked shifu if its good to find out more about our life through some special techniques of readings and such, his answer was positive. Shifu said that it can help us better prepare for any coming misfortunes and realise our own weaknessess and strengths. However, i concluded that it must be done sparingly, and not to the extent of 'greed'. Sometimes, ignorance is a bliss, as we flow along with the karmic river. I was once a victim of fortunte telling, and i suffered from lack of confidence and paranoid after that.
All these tellings can be superbly accurate and true, but it really doesn help me but gave me adverse effects instead. I must say its due to 'improper handling'. Anyway, I believe Buddha didnt encourage us to engage in fortune telling or anything along the line.
I told shifu I have this special psychic power. I have ever told this to a couple of close friends, but they either thought i was bullsxxing, or i was just overly sensitive. Since yrs ago, I found myself able to predict certain things that are going to happen. However, the things which I anticipated are mostly those negative ones, which adds on to the sufferings of my life instead of helping me. Anyway, I know that its very bad karma to claim that you have certain powers when u havent got them. So I seek advice from shifu last evening cos I really hope I can get rid of such unpleasant powers.
I have waited for this weekend since a month ago. Next week, i will be back to ITE dover for courses until the end of the month. However, I did not leave my office high spirited last evening as I was caught up with too much work undone. A lot of tasks seem to be in a mess, and I surprised myself by having thoughts of not wanting to go ITE next week but come back to work. Thats funny, and thats our human mind.
When you dun have it, u want it a lot. When you have it finally, u dun feel anything special, and may not even want it anymore.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Turn On the Radio
"Turn on the radio and listen to the news! Cos blah blah gonna win and u gotta lose! So back, back, back to your seat, cos blah blah gonna win and u gotta lose!"
The above cheer was much often used in my sec sch days during inter-department games and such. And yes, I am back to listening to the radio after a long break of 10 years.
I used to place a small radio set on my studying desk, and I would listen to 93.3FM every evening without fail. The radio set came with a cassette recorder. At all times, a cassette tape would be put on stand-by to prepare me to record any nice songs heard over the radio. Every evening, I would listen to the song dedications sent by students islandwide and a handful from Malaysia. Its a nice feeling hearing all the well wishes from ppl, and I could feel countless of students mugging hard alongside with me. Such a routined lifestyle took place hroughout my late pri sch and early sec sch days.
I took a complete break from the FM after entering the JC, and didn get the chance to listen to the radio in the army. When I was in NUS, I did not bring along any FM set with me to my hostel. A mini breakthrough occured after I bought my Nokia 8310, which come with the FM function. However, I only listen to Symphony 92.4FM during my study for examination in the library. Not so much of listening to the music, but to shield myself away from the distractions and noise made by others.
Now, I am back to a 'routined' lifestyle, staying at home with my hi-fi set placed next to my PC. Its just out of convenience that I switch it on to listen to the radio every evening. The voice of the deejays sound unfamiliar, and the ppl who dedicated the songs every evening are of age much younger than me now.
I used to listen to the chinese pop songs without paying much attention to the lyrics. I would be hymning the tunes for countless of times and yet I din know what the song was really about. Now, I tend to pay more attention to the lyrics. Very often, I would encounter a handful of songs which I feel the composer must have experienced quite a bit before he/she can write such touching, meaningful and wonderful lyrics. And perhaps its also due to my personal experiences I have gained over the past decade, that I can finally get to understand and appreciate some of the lyrics written.
Most of the song dedications nowadays seem to be from ppl troubled with love. Sighz...
The above cheer was much often used in my sec sch days during inter-department games and such. And yes, I am back to listening to the radio after a long break of 10 years.
I used to place a small radio set on my studying desk, and I would listen to 93.3FM every evening without fail. The radio set came with a cassette recorder. At all times, a cassette tape would be put on stand-by to prepare me to record any nice songs heard over the radio. Every evening, I would listen to the song dedications sent by students islandwide and a handful from Malaysia. Its a nice feeling hearing all the well wishes from ppl, and I could feel countless of students mugging hard alongside with me. Such a routined lifestyle took place hroughout my late pri sch and early sec sch days.
I took a complete break from the FM after entering the JC, and didn get the chance to listen to the radio in the army. When I was in NUS, I did not bring along any FM set with me to my hostel. A mini breakthrough occured after I bought my Nokia 8310, which come with the FM function. However, I only listen to Symphony 92.4FM during my study for examination in the library. Not so much of listening to the music, but to shield myself away from the distractions and noise made by others.
Now, I am back to a 'routined' lifestyle, staying at home with my hi-fi set placed next to my PC. Its just out of convenience that I switch it on to listen to the radio every evening. The voice of the deejays sound unfamiliar, and the ppl who dedicated the songs every evening are of age much younger than me now.
I used to listen to the chinese pop songs without paying much attention to the lyrics. I would be hymning the tunes for countless of times and yet I din know what the song was really about. Now, I tend to pay more attention to the lyrics. Very often, I would encounter a handful of songs which I feel the composer must have experienced quite a bit before he/she can write such touching, meaningful and wonderful lyrics. And perhaps its also due to my personal experiences I have gained over the past decade, that I can finally get to understand and appreciate some of the lyrics written.
Most of the song dedications nowadays seem to be from ppl troubled with love. Sighz...
Monday, November 01, 2004
Just Do It
Within 24hrs after putting the baby pic on my msn, I received many messages asking me who the baby belongs to. Almost everyone commented that the baby is extremely cute. Yeah, I couldnt agree more. And all of a sudden after having this baby's pic, i find those babies photos I previously have no longer cute! Thats how fast our mind changes.
I read the blogs of some of my friends and found most of them melancholic. I take a look on my MSN list, and found several 'negative' nicks too, most suggesting 'life sux' or something along the line. Life is indeed full of sufferings.
Last evening, I listened to Mr Lim, as he introduced the Sayagyi tradition to some of us. I learnt that his root teacher has a different approach from the Sayadaw Pak Auk tradition. The latter emphasized a lot on attaining Jhana on the early stage of practice, while the earlier does not. His explaination on 'why not Jhana first' has kinda further unlock the doubt tat I always have in my mind. However, I shldn't not be making any conclusion or guesses.
I always have a greater affinity towards female teachers (ie. Nuns) compared to monks or male teachers (you-should-know-who). Hence, I have to admit I wasnt particularly impressed or motivated by Mr Lim, even after seeing twice. However, some of his words were really very true and meaningful to me. He advised that we shouldnt be too concerned on where we are getting, how good are we, and doing meaningless comparisons on the different traditions, techniques or teachings of buddhism ie. which is better than which. There is no such thing as 'which is better', and his advice is 'just do what you can'!
I was once a victim of being too eager to find out which tradition suits me better, or which path I should take. I was also too concerned on my 'progress', which directly hinders my progress. Paramis not enough, say and think too much also no use. So, Just Do It.
I read the blogs of some of my friends and found most of them melancholic. I take a look on my MSN list, and found several 'negative' nicks too, most suggesting 'life sux' or something along the line. Life is indeed full of sufferings.
Last evening, I listened to Mr Lim, as he introduced the Sayagyi tradition to some of us. I learnt that his root teacher has a different approach from the Sayadaw Pak Auk tradition. The latter emphasized a lot on attaining Jhana on the early stage of practice, while the earlier does not. His explaination on 'why not Jhana first' has kinda further unlock the doubt tat I always have in my mind. However, I shldn't not be making any conclusion or guesses.
I always have a greater affinity towards female teachers (ie. Nuns) compared to monks or male teachers (you-should-know-who). Hence, I have to admit I wasnt particularly impressed or motivated by Mr Lim, even after seeing twice. However, some of his words were really very true and meaningful to me. He advised that we shouldnt be too concerned on where we are getting, how good are we, and doing meaningless comparisons on the different traditions, techniques or teachings of buddhism ie. which is better than which. There is no such thing as 'which is better', and his advice is 'just do what you can'!
I was once a victim of being too eager to find out which tradition suits me better, or which path I should take. I was also too concerned on my 'progress', which directly hinders my progress. Paramis not enough, say and think too much also no use. So, Just Do It.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Babies Babies Everywhere
Today, I have the chance to play with 2 babies.
The first baby is the daughter of my manager, who brought her to my house today (see pics above). This 8-mth old baby is extremely active, who kept moving her hands and kicking her legs. I pretended that i wanna carry her and she struggled forward away from her mum, wanting to let me carry. The baby was laughing throughout but silently. And when I sent them off, the smiles from the baby's face suddenly wiped off at the instant the mum closed the car door, hopefully she didnt cry later.
The second baby I played with belongs to a couple whom i met on a bus journey back home from the meditation session at Ocean Park. This baby is probably about 5mth old, much smaller than my manager's. As the couple was sitting directly one seat infront of me, the baby was facing me throughout the journey. The baby kept looking at me, and her shrieking baby sound/laughters filled up the entire bus each time I make funny faces at her. The parents also turned back and smile at me occasionally. Haha, this baby is even cuter than the one I played earlier.
I think it flows in the family blood. I know my relatives, my 3rd and 4th aunt in particular, love babies extremely. During every chinese new year gathering, they will be the ones carrying the available babies (either from my younger uncle or older cousins) throughout the day, be it the babies were awake or asleep. They never give chance for the baby to sleep on the bed or sarong, haha. And yes, i am also crazy over babies.
Meditation this evening wasnt good, day fream a lot....
No Suitable Title
Our lives change a lot after graduation and joining the workforce. The 9 of us used to be able to meet up for gatherings easily, but now its so difficult to get everyone together.
In the past, we could easily settle dates for chalets, ubin cycling and other outings, as we shared the same schedule of sch exams and holidays. Now, we have ppl working on shifts, some going occasional overseas trips etc. In fact, I was able to attend a BBQ from this grp of friends not long ago as I was stuck in Camp Sadhu. Finally tonight, everyone was free enough to meet up for a birthday celebration. Its indeed a very precious night for working adults like us.
Few days ago, I stood up from my office chair and heard a tinkling sound - Some tiny metal object must have fallen onto the ground. I looked around and found myself 'unbuckled'. Waraozz... the buckle of my belt has loosen off as one of the screw came off. I tried to repair on spot and it seems the belt could only tahan for a short while more. This evening, I received a birthday present from this grp of friend, and it turned out to be a Pierre Cardin Belt! The belt really come at the right time, thanks to my friends.
Last few evenings, I found my mailbox flooded with mails and mails and mails, mostly from the various buddhist yahoogroups. In the past, I will bother to read and browse every single one before I delete them. But I was really fed up lately that i simply deleted some of them without giving a second look.
But dun get me wrong, I still welcome meaningful forwarded mails of buddhist quotes, abstracts or write-ups by some renowned + wise ppl. But NOT those meaningless exchanges of personal views or deliberate displaying of personal knowledge on buddhism. The funny thing is that I observe there are ppl who only love to write and talk a lot, hoping others will read and accept their views, yet they will end their emails not wanting ppl to 'further discuss' the issue anymore. It only shows that these ppl have poor listening skills, as the only want to talk but dun want to listen and accept other ppl's views. At least thats what our ex P Vincent thought so too. Sometimes, I just feel like emailing these ppl to shut up and leave the yahoogroups alone, and keep their email exchanges personal.
Meditation tmr, akaaa?
In the past, we could easily settle dates for chalets, ubin cycling and other outings, as we shared the same schedule of sch exams and holidays. Now, we have ppl working on shifts, some going occasional overseas trips etc. In fact, I was able to attend a BBQ from this grp of friends not long ago as I was stuck in Camp Sadhu. Finally tonight, everyone was free enough to meet up for a birthday celebration. Its indeed a very precious night for working adults like us.
Few days ago, I stood up from my office chair and heard a tinkling sound - Some tiny metal object must have fallen onto the ground. I looked around and found myself 'unbuckled'. Waraozz... the buckle of my belt has loosen off as one of the screw came off. I tried to repair on spot and it seems the belt could only tahan for a short while more. This evening, I received a birthday present from this grp of friend, and it turned out to be a Pierre Cardin Belt! The belt really come at the right time, thanks to my friends.
Last few evenings, I found my mailbox flooded with mails and mails and mails, mostly from the various buddhist yahoogroups. In the past, I will bother to read and browse every single one before I delete them. But I was really fed up lately that i simply deleted some of them without giving a second look.
But dun get me wrong, I still welcome meaningful forwarded mails of buddhist quotes, abstracts or write-ups by some renowned + wise ppl. But NOT those meaningless exchanges of personal views or deliberate displaying of personal knowledge on buddhism. The funny thing is that I observe there are ppl who only love to write and talk a lot, hoping others will read and accept their views, yet they will end their emails not wanting ppl to 'further discuss' the issue anymore. It only shows that these ppl have poor listening skills, as the only want to talk but dun want to listen and accept other ppl's views. At least thats what our ex P Vincent thought so too. Sometimes, I just feel like emailing these ppl to shut up and leave the yahoogroups alone, and keep their email exchanges personal.
Meditation tmr, akaaa?
Thursday, October 28, 2004
My Unhappy Eyes
This is supposed to be a sequel to the previous entry, but I shall not linger too much on fatness....
A day after I wrote the earlier entry, my manager asked me: "Gordon, have you put on a lot of weight recently?" I replied: "NO! I have always been so fat', but there is no way my boss is going to believe me. "No la, i dun remember you being like that last time..." Haha.
I have been extremely lazy lately, jogging only once per week. Moreover ever since i started working, I have been drinking can-drinks every working days without fail while having lunch with my colleagues. It has never been my liking to take sweet drinks, but I have no choice, as it will be embarrassing if i dun 'participate' in the culture in which my colleagues take turn to treat one another drinks everyday. Finally this week, I told my colleagues that I will give all can drinks a miss and stick back to my Nalgene water bottle once again, like those days I had in NUS. Its indeed very funny to see a working adult carrying a water bottle around at the eating places, but ....I dun care for now.
This morning, I went to Singapore National Eye Centre for my eye assessment. After a brief inspection on my eyes, the doctor could straight away tell that I have been wearing contact lenses for a long time. Indeed, i started contact lenses since sec1, which is abt 13yrs ago. He told me that all my blood vessels are growing in very abnormal position which is highly unhealthly. Strangely, I do not really feel uneasy or uncomfortable with contact lenses, so i din know my eyes have been suffering. Walaos, after hearing wat he told me today, i doubt i will wear them again.
The doctor also commented that my cornea is too thin, so I cant do the normal wavefront surgery. Hence, I have to pay slightly more to do a more complicated technology which he assured will give equal excellent results. He said based on past results, abt 95% of the ppl who have around the same eye power/degree as me will be able to get perfect vision. Even if i dun get perfect vision after the first surgery, I can opt for subsequent corrective surgery at Free Of Charge - of cos i hope that doesn happen to me.
Next week will be a hectic week for me, rushing reports, attending dialogue sessions and some major meetings. Fortunately, my big break will come the week after, in which I will go back to ITE again for courses for almost the entire of November. My operation will only be conducted after Christmas..oooh...
Not much reflections lately, cos too much activities in the day that at nite, they keep flashing on my minds.... seeing too many ppl per day and talking too much in the day... at nite jus dun wish to use any more brain power.
A day after I wrote the earlier entry, my manager asked me: "Gordon, have you put on a lot of weight recently?" I replied: "NO! I have always been so fat', but there is no way my boss is going to believe me. "No la, i dun remember you being like that last time..." Haha.
I have been extremely lazy lately, jogging only once per week. Moreover ever since i started working, I have been drinking can-drinks every working days without fail while having lunch with my colleagues. It has never been my liking to take sweet drinks, but I have no choice, as it will be embarrassing if i dun 'participate' in the culture in which my colleagues take turn to treat one another drinks everyday. Finally this week, I told my colleagues that I will give all can drinks a miss and stick back to my Nalgene water bottle once again, like those days I had in NUS. Its indeed very funny to see a working adult carrying a water bottle around at the eating places, but ....I dun care for now.
This morning, I went to Singapore National Eye Centre for my eye assessment. After a brief inspection on my eyes, the doctor could straight away tell that I have been wearing contact lenses for a long time. Indeed, i started contact lenses since sec1, which is abt 13yrs ago. He told me that all my blood vessels are growing in very abnormal position which is highly unhealthly. Strangely, I do not really feel uneasy or uncomfortable with contact lenses, so i din know my eyes have been suffering. Walaos, after hearing wat he told me today, i doubt i will wear them again.
The doctor also commented that my cornea is too thin, so I cant do the normal wavefront surgery. Hence, I have to pay slightly more to do a more complicated technology which he assured will give equal excellent results. He said based on past results, abt 95% of the ppl who have around the same eye power/degree as me will be able to get perfect vision. Even if i dun get perfect vision after the first surgery, I can opt for subsequent corrective surgery at Free Of Charge - of cos i hope that doesn happen to me.
Next week will be a hectic week for me, rushing reports, attending dialogue sessions and some major meetings. Fortunately, my big break will come the week after, in which I will go back to ITE again for courses for almost the entire of November. My operation will only be conducted after Christmas..oooh...
Not much reflections lately, cos too much activities in the day that at nite, they keep flashing on my minds.... seeing too many ppl per day and talking too much in the day... at nite jus dun wish to use any more brain power.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
eaT eAT EAT
It seems that nowadays I am gradually digging my grave with my own teeth. I have been eating non-stop. I was in my brother's car when my mum touched on my stomach and face, saying I have gained much weight after working.
Last friday, I had an army gathering at Breeks Marina. It was a buffet and the servings were mostly meats. Meats and meats and meats. Saturday, I have a colleague's wedding banquet to attend. I had my dinner prior to the banquet and hence, I had 2 rounds of dinner last night. Just now, I took my dinner before going for meditation. And after the meditation, we had plenty of snacks like chocolates, crakers, cakes etc at Mr Lim's house. Eat eat and eat again. And back home, my mum pushed me to finish up some glutinous rice she bought in the afternoon. She said the rice cannot be left over night.....wah... bloated siah.
Talk abt gaining weight, I met my cousin just now when I went out. From far, I already noticed this plump guy but I din realise it was my cousin, until he called out to me. Waseh, he was once our family's Li Nanxing (due to his good looks and slim built), but now.. he looks more like gurmit singh with his permed hair, a much fatter version of gurmit. I was stunned.
Meditation tonight was fine. I am thankful to Ananda for making the effort to introduce me to the Sayagyi tradition. Thanks akaa... Tonight's sitting was not an easy and peaceful one, but I am glad that I put on a strong struggle to concentrate on my breaths. Day-dreaming moments were minimal, but leg pains are aplenty.
Dun really feel like writing these days. As I told potato head this afternoon, sometimes we thought we have already recovered long enough, only to discover some past sad memories are back to haunt you, esp when you are feeling down. Its scary.
Sometimes, I rather I have sad and negative moments - all i have to do is to get rid of them. On the other hand, I shld be worrying if I start to feel happiness or blissfulness (conditional ones) without realising of the attachments, as I would have to deal with the aftermaths of disatisfactions, jealousy, hatreds, unhappiness and disappointments.
All are results from the roots of 贪嗔痴.
Last friday, I had an army gathering at Breeks Marina. It was a buffet and the servings were mostly meats. Meats and meats and meats. Saturday, I have a colleague's wedding banquet to attend. I had my dinner prior to the banquet and hence, I had 2 rounds of dinner last night. Just now, I took my dinner before going for meditation. And after the meditation, we had plenty of snacks like chocolates, crakers, cakes etc at Mr Lim's house. Eat eat and eat again. And back home, my mum pushed me to finish up some glutinous rice she bought in the afternoon. She said the rice cannot be left over night.....wah... bloated siah.
Talk abt gaining weight, I met my cousin just now when I went out. From far, I already noticed this plump guy but I din realise it was my cousin, until he called out to me. Waseh, he was once our family's Li Nanxing (due to his good looks and slim built), but now.. he looks more like gurmit singh with his permed hair, a much fatter version of gurmit. I was stunned.
Meditation tonight was fine. I am thankful to Ananda for making the effort to introduce me to the Sayagyi tradition. Thanks akaa... Tonight's sitting was not an easy and peaceful one, but I am glad that I put on a strong struggle to concentrate on my breaths. Day-dreaming moments were minimal, but leg pains are aplenty.
Dun really feel like writing these days. As I told potato head this afternoon, sometimes we thought we have already recovered long enough, only to discover some past sad memories are back to haunt you, esp when you are feeling down. Its scary.
Sometimes, I rather I have sad and negative moments - all i have to do is to get rid of them. On the other hand, I shld be worrying if I start to feel happiness or blissfulness (conditional ones) without realising of the attachments, as I would have to deal with the aftermaths of disatisfactions, jealousy, hatreds, unhappiness and disappointments.
All are results from the roots of 贪嗔痴.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
黑白画印
I am listening to 黑白画印 while typing this blog. Hmmm, I thought this song is cool, and its very 'my type' of music, although I dun think I can ever sing this type of song well.
This afternoon, I called up Singapore National Eye Centre and made a booking to get my cornea sliced. I am not a new member to SNEC, as the telephone receptionist excitedly exclaimed today "Oh! You were with us some time back". Yeah, I had eye operation at SNEC once in 1994 and the other in 1996.
I miss you so, why do you have to go... hey o hey o hey~~~~
This afternoon, I called up Singapore National Eye Centre and made a booking to get my cornea sliced. I am not a new member to SNEC, as the telephone receptionist excitedly exclaimed today "Oh! You were with us some time back". Yeah, I had eye operation at SNEC once in 1994 and the other in 1996.
I miss you so, why do you have to go... hey o hey o hey~~~~
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Academic Challenge
I can feel that the academic tracks are running hot. NTU is left with less than 2 weeks to exams while NUS has about a month left. The fact that there are still many quizes, tests and report deadlines to go certainly does not help. "No time to settle down for studying" is pretty often the case, isnt it?
I have always been telling my juniors (oh nagging to juniors) that one of the most effective way to study well is to study in groups. It is only through discussions and sharings with friends that we can find out what are the stuffs we thought we already know but we actually duno, and also the stuffs which we dun even know we duno.
Has it ever occurred to you that its only in the midst of taking the paper, you found out something that you shld have gone find out before the exams, but its already too late? Or is it only during the post-exam discussions with friends that you realise most of your friends 'know about this and that' but you didnt know...
Instead of repeating the same old naggings again, I would like to share over here some of the invaluable advices I have gotten over the past yrs, by some of my BS snrs and friends.
Just like any other typical undergrads, I was often stressed up with poor results, rushing of deadlines and endless of work to clear. I once complained to Ruiting and she advised me with something like this: "There may be a lot of work to do, but still, you have to do them eventually. So Just do It!!! One at a time." I thought this advice came in handy as instead of wasting time troubled with the undone stuffs, i geared myself up to pin down the obstacles one by one.
Another time was with ruiting again, discussing with Ven Pema on our heavy sch load. He said something like this: Sch life may be hectic, but you can still find peace in the midst of your busy schedule. His adivce helped in a way that when I was struggling to understand my lecture notes, I told myself to fully concentrate and focus on what i was doing then, instead of worrying about whats next and whats still left undone.
Another very irritating and disturbing fact that I couldnt accept was my inability to score well in my exams. I complained to my senior that a large part of my failure was due to my careless and bad luck, eg. 1)Missed out the entire question undone (1 out of 6 qn), 2)Calculation errors causing the entire qn to be marked wrong, and 3)Studying things that did not come out in the exams while things that I din study came out instead.
A senior Rongfa gave the following advice: What ever hard work you put in now may not be rewarded immediately. Whatever you have studied hard for this module may not be put in use during the coming exams, but they may serve as platforms and build up your foundation in tackling future modules and exams. His words did not provide me much comfort then, but it was after going through many semesters myself tat I find his words v true. A lot of things may not seem applicable now, but they will be of use eventually in some other areas.
Gd Luck Everyone!
I have always been telling my juniors (oh nagging to juniors) that one of the most effective way to study well is to study in groups. It is only through discussions and sharings with friends that we can find out what are the stuffs we thought we already know but we actually duno, and also the stuffs which we dun even know we duno.
Has it ever occurred to you that its only in the midst of taking the paper, you found out something that you shld have gone find out before the exams, but its already too late? Or is it only during the post-exam discussions with friends that you realise most of your friends 'know about this and that' but you didnt know...
Instead of repeating the same old naggings again, I would like to share over here some of the invaluable advices I have gotten over the past yrs, by some of my BS snrs and friends.
Just like any other typical undergrads, I was often stressed up with poor results, rushing of deadlines and endless of work to clear. I once complained to Ruiting and she advised me with something like this: "There may be a lot of work to do, but still, you have to do them eventually. So Just do It!!! One at a time." I thought this advice came in handy as instead of wasting time troubled with the undone stuffs, i geared myself up to pin down the obstacles one by one.
Another time was with ruiting again, discussing with Ven Pema on our heavy sch load. He said something like this: Sch life may be hectic, but you can still find peace in the midst of your busy schedule. His adivce helped in a way that when I was struggling to understand my lecture notes, I told myself to fully concentrate and focus on what i was doing then, instead of worrying about whats next and whats still left undone.
Another very irritating and disturbing fact that I couldnt accept was my inability to score well in my exams. I complained to my senior that a large part of my failure was due to my careless and bad luck, eg. 1)Missed out the entire question undone (1 out of 6 qn), 2)Calculation errors causing the entire qn to be marked wrong, and 3)Studying things that did not come out in the exams while things that I din study came out instead.
A senior Rongfa gave the following advice: What ever hard work you put in now may not be rewarded immediately. Whatever you have studied hard for this module may not be put in use during the coming exams, but they may serve as platforms and build up your foundation in tackling future modules and exams. His words did not provide me much comfort then, but it was after going through many semesters myself tat I find his words v true. A lot of things may not seem applicable now, but they will be of use eventually in some other areas.
Gd Luck Everyone!
Monday, October 18, 2004
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When an unpleasant feeling, physical or mental, arises in him, the wise man does not worry, complain, weep, pound his chest, pull his hair, torture his body and mind, or faint. He calmly observes his feeling and nis aware that it is only a feeling. He knows that he is not the feeling, and he is not caught by the feeling. Therefore, the pain cannot bind him. When he has a painful physical feling, he knows that there is a painful physical feeling. He does not lose his calmness, does not worry, does not fear, and does not complain. Thus the feeling remains a painful physical feeling, and its not able to grow and ravage his whole being.
Exactly one year ago, I was at my peak. In fact, the positive energy was built up the during the 2 short retreats which I attened prior to sch opening in Aug 2003. In addition to the wonderful conditions I had then, I felt good and was happy almost everyday.
But things are often too good to be true. The positive spirit suddenly died down fast and took a nose dive towards the end of the year. It never did go up steadily ever since, despite my great efforts in keeping my spirits up. Something is just bogging me down throughout, together with the various problems which I gradually face at home and at work.
But I am glad I have my friends around during this phase of my life. Sorry for all the complaints and nonsense I have been sprouting at some of u, esp on msn. Its just one way i release myself. And i have been oblivious and unconcerned with the problems my friends are facing, needless to mention about spending time listening and showing concern for them. Sorry I havent been myself for the past 1 yr...
Exactly one year ago, I was at my peak. In fact, the positive energy was built up the during the 2 short retreats which I attened prior to sch opening in Aug 2003. In addition to the wonderful conditions I had then, I felt good and was happy almost everyday.
But things are often too good to be true. The positive spirit suddenly died down fast and took a nose dive towards the end of the year. It never did go up steadily ever since, despite my great efforts in keeping my spirits up. Something is just bogging me down throughout, together with the various problems which I gradually face at home and at work.
But I am glad I have my friends around during this phase of my life. Sorry for all the complaints and nonsense I have been sprouting at some of u, esp on msn. Its just one way i release myself. And i have been oblivious and unconcerned with the problems my friends are facing, needless to mention about spending time listening and showing concern for them. Sorry I havent been myself for the past 1 yr...
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Making Use of Buddhism
Early this week, I spent some time re-decorating my office room with some buddhist postcards, bookmarks and picture cards. Also printed Sayalay's photo and paste it on the wall. My boss wasnt too comfortable seeing all these Buddhist related items, but well, I shall cooperate by not actively preach the Dharma at my work place.
Few days ago, a very nasty taxi driver barged into my office and complained about his vehicular problem. Apparently, my workshop is facing shortage in one of the vehicular parts and could only give him an alternative brand. He was very unhappy and insisted in having the 'original' one which is only available next month. He even suggested me taking it from the scrape cars or other unused taxis to fit into his taxi. I was at my wits' end on how to deal with him when all of the sudden, he turned very friendly. It was such an unexpected and abrupt twist that he eventually told me he was fine with the alternative brand, and did not mind coming down to the workshop next month for replacement after the stock arrives.
Shortly later, he pointed to those buddhist picture cards I have and told me he has plenty of them. After which, he persistently brought me to his taxi where he passed me one stack of those pic cards. I kindly rejected them but he insisted I keep them and claimed that there were some designs which I dun have on my wall. He even used the reason of "Help others to 'jie yuan' with buddhism" and encouraged me to distribute these pic cards to my colleagues. I finally gave in as the reasons he gave seemed so 'aspiring & meaningful'.
Yesterday, this driver came back again and shook my hand. He said that the 'alternative' brand was just as good, and praised my foreman and technicians for the great job done. He said he will be writing in some compliment letters for us. I told my boss about this driver and found out he is one of those 'listed' drivers that my workshop has highlighted for being "ngiao and demanding".
Well, I dun wish to use buddhism in such a way to solve my problem, and that certainly doesn potray very well on buddhists though...
Friday, October 15, 2004
Well done Lemoncow!
This evening I went for blood donation at SGH HSA. The queue today was very long at tbe blood bank. However, I am very pleased to see many working ppl rushing down from work to HSA for blood donation as friday is the only day that it opens till 8pm. And yeah, I got a very nice free blood donor t shirt from HSA!
After which, I proceeded down to NTU to meet the kichis for BS Supper. Prior to my donation, I have gone to the grocery shop to buy 2 loafs of bread. One giant loaf for riki kichi, and one banana flavoured gardenia bread for sumantri. I purposely chose 'banana' as I know he loves banana.
Unfortunately for sumantri, the entire banana loaf was soon eaten by the ppl while we were chatting, and thats even before we realised it. We have already placed the loafs aside but somehow...... Fortunately riki's loaf was 'saved'. Anyway, we din feel the pain of losing the bread but found the entire thing funny & hilarious. I may be buying more next week.
Oh yes, I wonder if anyone of you do follow lemoncow's blog closely. I like to read her blog most, as I find her manage to express her inner feelings well in her writings. Perhaps to her thats far from perfect, but to me, I am often touched by her writings - very sincere and real.
Cheer up everybody! Including myself...
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Bad MOooOooOOooD
I was in an extremely bad mood this morning. In fact, the negative energy is still very strong in me now.
My family siutation has gone from bad to worse. I quarrelled with my dad over some issues. I find myself being tapped and taxed too much in the family, both emotionally and financially. And it seems that my dad has made not much attempt to switch back to a humble and simple lifestyle after his 'retirement'.
At work, I have to face colleagues and customers who gave me different faces and attitudes. At home, I have to see those black faces who are at loggerheads. Its like living in hell.
My wish and will to live a renounce life grows even stronger. My manager told me its an escapism. But like what Ven Robina said: Do you laugh at an alcoholic who attempts to run away from liquor, that he is escaping?
I am not escaping from reality and problems, but I just wanna escape from those conditions and environment that add more problems to my life.
My family siutation has gone from bad to worse. I quarrelled with my dad over some issues. I find myself being tapped and taxed too much in the family, both emotionally and financially. And it seems that my dad has made not much attempt to switch back to a humble and simple lifestyle after his 'retirement'.
At work, I have to face colleagues and customers who gave me different faces and attitudes. At home, I have to see those black faces who are at loggerheads. Its like living in hell.
My wish and will to live a renounce life grows even stronger. My manager told me its an escapism. But like what Ven Robina said: Do you laugh at an alcoholic who attempts to run away from liquor, that he is escaping?
I am not escaping from reality and problems, but I just wanna escape from those conditions and environment that add more problems to my life.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Stop scolding, pleaseeee.....
This morning, I was walking along a narrow corridor approaching my manager's office when i heard shoutings from within. A lady colleague happened to walk behind me and both of us quickly stopped and dared not walked in further. We could recognise the shouting voice belonging to the senior engineer of my company(SE). He was scolding some junior staff in my manager's office.
Poor boy, all the jnr staff wanted is to voice out his unpleasantness at work to my manager. He complained abt unfair treatment given by the SE. Unfortunately, my manager has overestimated the SE's control in temper and invited him for clarification, and there the poor guy got a thrashing from the SE instead. The scolding was so intense that how i wished he could stop immediately. Stop scolding this poor guy, pleaseeeee.... scolding doesn help, does it?
This afternoon, we had a meeting with a supplier from XXX company. The boss is an extremely arrogant fellow. By right, he shld be getting into our good books since we are his customer, but for some particular reason, he was very nasty towards my manager. Perhaps he looked down on my manager as he looks very young. The words he refuted my manager were really unbearable whenever the latter tried to make some comments, and how I wish i could defend for my manager and talk back at him. @(*&(*@&#@*($#@(*
The working society is really filled with so many nasty fellows around. Firstly, there are ppl like the Senior Engineer of my company who doesn do much work except for bossing around, and the boss of XXX company who is so rude and nasty even towards ppl of management level.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can really survive in this society, considering my short temperedness. I am fortunate enough to have such a gentle and caring boss (except for the fact he is too old fashioned and inflexible). Being so spoilt by him, I worry I may not be able to survive well under my future bosses who definitely will not be half as nice as him. I am still in a very big and comfortable cushion.
Oh yea, one of my BS xiaomeis gave me a surprise for being attached to another BS guy of my batch. Although both were from BS, I nv recall them knowing each other, as the guy was pretty inactive in the society but did help us a lot in planning of some major events (in her absence though). Anyway, both parties are very nice ppl and gentle ppl, may they be well and happy!
Surprises surprises ... life is full of surprises. Isnt it great that sometimes you can still amuse yourself with little news here and there?
Poor boy, all the jnr staff wanted is to voice out his unpleasantness at work to my manager. He complained abt unfair treatment given by the SE. Unfortunately, my manager has overestimated the SE's control in temper and invited him for clarification, and there the poor guy got a thrashing from the SE instead. The scolding was so intense that how i wished he could stop immediately. Stop scolding this poor guy, pleaseeeee.... scolding doesn help, does it?
This afternoon, we had a meeting with a supplier from XXX company. The boss is an extremely arrogant fellow. By right, he shld be getting into our good books since we are his customer, but for some particular reason, he was very nasty towards my manager. Perhaps he looked down on my manager as he looks very young. The words he refuted my manager were really unbearable whenever the latter tried to make some comments, and how I wish i could defend for my manager and talk back at him. @(*&(*@&#@*($#@(*
The working society is really filled with so many nasty fellows around. Firstly, there are ppl like the Senior Engineer of my company who doesn do much work except for bossing around, and the boss of XXX company who is so rude and nasty even towards ppl of management level.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can really survive in this society, considering my short temperedness. I am fortunate enough to have such a gentle and caring boss (except for the fact he is too old fashioned and inflexible). Being so spoilt by him, I worry I may not be able to survive well under my future bosses who definitely will not be half as nice as him. I am still in a very big and comfortable cushion.
Oh yea, one of my BS xiaomeis gave me a surprise for being attached to another BS guy of my batch. Although both were from BS, I nv recall them knowing each other, as the guy was pretty inactive in the society but did help us a lot in planning of some major events (in her absence though). Anyway, both parties are very nice ppl and gentle ppl, may they be well and happy!
Surprises surprises ... life is full of surprises. Isnt it great that sometimes you can still amuse yourself with little news here and there?
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Not again Love...
Last saturday, I felt very bored in my office and decided to print out out some photographs using the given HP printer. I have been told that my office looked very bare and dull, and many suggested i place some decorations. So these photos would come in handy. Unfortunately, a few of my colleagues came in and commented I am 'hao lian' jokingly. To me, these graduation/commencement photos are just photos and I have no intention of showing off I am a graduate. I believe everyone who read my blog are either graduates or undergraduate themselves too, so you will know how I feel. Anyway, I will not remove them unless I really got sick of them myself.
Last evening, I chatted with 2 gals - one of them is my colleague (Jen) and the other is a gal (Jan) i acquainted from the internet (oh yeah, their names are really quite close). Both of them are troubled by love.
Jen met 'the guy' again last evening in town and she couldnt help but feel her heart sinking. This guy is a married man but was seen last evening with another 'new gal'. Well, love can really make the wise blind. Jen is a graduate just like myself but unknowingly she fell into his trap. It has been almost a year but she still find it very difficult to let go.
I tried to explain to her on attachments, and also to avoid producing those conditions that will make her miss him more - answering his phone calls, going out with him, SMSing him etc. She thought my these were great ideas.
Jan was more jialat. She was still unable to get over her ex-bf whom she broke up one yr ago too. To make the matter worse, she is still harbouring hatred and sore feelings towards the guy. Like what Kalden said : Love (bgr) often leads to posessiveness, which subsequently lead to selfishness and hatreds.
I tried to explain to her on the 2nd noble truth that its due to our attachments and cravings that lead to her sufferings. But she insisted that love without attachments is not called love, and loving someone without any attachment for that someone is being unfair to that someone :s The discussion got more tensed up as both parties tried to argue their way through.
I recalled the very much given advice that when I am unable to take care of my own emotions, its better that I dun try to handle or help others first. While I clearly see that she may not be that ready to accept the 'teachings', I was very eager to 'correct' her misconceptions on love (which she said attachment is compulsory), and to stop her from continuing to suffer more by having such wrongful thoughts. I was once again reminded of the adverse effects of being over-eagerly in sharing the 'Dharma'.
1) Thee ego in trying to correct others and instil what i know onto others
2) The over-eagerness in trying to get others out of the sufferings
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Commando Jetty
This is the Commando Jetty, which was used to ferry countless number of recruits from Singapore mainload over to Ladang Jetty at Pulau Tekong. Those friends who know me well will know that I love Tekong very much.
I pretty much remembered those miserable sunday evenings, that I have to wear my army No.4 uniform and jockey cap, carry a super heavy full pack (with lotsa unneccessary yet compulsory items inside), marching into the training shed with polish-shined boots. Those RPs (guards) often love to tekan us by making us re-do the entire procedure over and over again, hurling us with nasty remarks, until we finally get to reach the holding bay which was barely 15m away from the guardroom.
There were many unforgettable moments spent at the commando jetty. It was the place where i first tasted the army food, learnt how to tie my boots and fold my no.4 etc. Its the place where we discussed about our newly gotten A level results, the place where talked about chinese new yr plan etc. Its the place we dyingly looked forward to from tekong every saturday noon (the time to book out), yet it is also the place we dread to report to on every sunday evening when we have to book in.
Marching along the walkway from the holding area towards the ferry, we all knew that our wonderful weekend was completely over. Here we go again - and we have to wait for another week of trainings, tekanings and hardship, before we could be 'set free' again to book out on the next weekend.
And I nv know the commando jetty is so near my workplace. I was very sian one day that I drove out from work to visit the very famous Loyang Tua Pek Gong, and found that the commando jetty is just next to it! =)
Friday, October 08, 2004
Too Late
I got this news article from straitstimes online - Mr Eugene Lim is no longer in denial over the death of his wife, Mil-Com founder Diana Young. But while he is moving on, nights and Sundays are still hard
'It feels so strange stepping into Diana's office now. When I used to come in here, she would be right in this seat. I can hear her voice, see her expressions and sense her feelings and emotions,' he said.
'Now, all I have of her are pictures in the room.'
At first, things were awkward. Dinners were 'a bit quiet' then, but things are slowly getting back on an even keel.
Nights and Sundays are the worst, said Mr Lim. He sleeps fitfully, waking up every few hours to realise that his wife's side of the bed is empty.
It is quite a change from the past. 'We used to talk the most in our room, because in the day, everyone's too busy. Now, waking and finding that there's no one to talk to - that's the most difficult part.'
Sundays used to be family day, when all four went to church, did some shopping and had lunch together. Each family member took turns to decide what to have for lunch. Last Sunday, the remaining family spent the day together but there was no outing. They went to church then headed home. Lunch was fast-food takeaway.
The children are in the middle of their final examinations, and Mr Lim said they appeared to be coping well with the grief. But it will be some time before the pain really eases, he added.
Showing an SMS which Clovis had sent to his mother's phone after he knew she had died, Mr Lim struggled to hold back his tears. It read: 'Mummy, it may be too late already, but I love you.'
'It feels so strange stepping into Diana's office now. When I used to come in here, she would be right in this seat. I can hear her voice, see her expressions and sense her feelings and emotions,' he said.
'Now, all I have of her are pictures in the room.'
At first, things were awkward. Dinners were 'a bit quiet' then, but things are slowly getting back on an even keel.
Nights and Sundays are the worst, said Mr Lim. He sleeps fitfully, waking up every few hours to realise that his wife's side of the bed is empty.
It is quite a change from the past. 'We used to talk the most in our room, because in the day, everyone's too busy. Now, waking and finding that there's no one to talk to - that's the most difficult part.'
Sundays used to be family day, when all four went to church, did some shopping and had lunch together. Each family member took turns to decide what to have for lunch. Last Sunday, the remaining family spent the day together but there was no outing. They went to church then headed home. Lunch was fast-food takeaway.
The children are in the middle of their final examinations, and Mr Lim said they appeared to be coping well with the grief. But it will be some time before the pain really eases, he added.
Showing an SMS which Clovis had sent to his mother's phone after he knew she had died, Mr Lim struggled to hold back his tears. It read: 'Mummy, it may be too late already, but I love you.'
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Bai Yue Guang
I have heard the song Bai Yue Guang (by Jeff Chang) several times while driving but I did not have a liking for it. However, when I heard it in my workshop 2 evenings ago, blasted over the large speakers, I thought the song was splendid - talk about sound quality & effects.
I have stopped be-friending ppl from the internet ever since i stopped using MIRC some 4 years ago. 4 yrs ago, a gal out of the blue added me to her icq list, and I found out she was a fellow NUS freshman just like me then. We met up several times for meals outside, but have nv met up in campus before - thats funny. We share the common interest in singing and even sang to each other on the phone. But I have since lost contact with her after she went overseas midway through her studies.
With the introduction of Friendsters and other programs/service of similar nature, the craze of 'befriending' ppl online starts to pick up again. Recently, a gal msged me and offered her friendship. And we started chatting on msn. What makes the new found friendship interesting is that our conversation ended up with talking about religion, as I introduced to her on the 4 Noble Truths and Noble 8 fold paths. And it didnt take quite long before we found out we were fellow TJCians from the same batch :) She is even a close friend of Peifen back in TJC then...
What a small world
I have stopped be-friending ppl from the internet ever since i stopped using MIRC some 4 years ago. 4 yrs ago, a gal out of the blue added me to her icq list, and I found out she was a fellow NUS freshman just like me then. We met up several times for meals outside, but have nv met up in campus before - thats funny. We share the common interest in singing and even sang to each other on the phone. But I have since lost contact with her after she went overseas midway through her studies.
With the introduction of Friendsters and other programs/service of similar nature, the craze of 'befriending' ppl online starts to pick up again. Recently, a gal msged me and offered her friendship. And we started chatting on msn. What makes the new found friendship interesting is that our conversation ended up with talking about religion, as I introduced to her on the 4 Noble Truths and Noble 8 fold paths. And it didnt take quite long before we found out we were fellow TJCians from the same batch :) She is even a close friend of Peifen back in TJC then...
What a small world
Monday, October 04, 2004
Musavada Day
Today, I kinda broke the 4th precept, just to get myself posted back to my parent unit for reservist. I rang up the admin supervisor in charged (lets call her Miss T), who is a widow and a mother of 3 teenage sons. From my previous encounter with her during my last reservice, I realised that she is a very 'figure-concious' lady who is actually quite plump but can easily be flattered and will 'fly' if someone were to comment tat she has slimmed down or is getting prettier.
me : Hi is that Ms T? I am XXX
Ms T: You are no longer in our unit you know, why you still call here?
me : Ya la, you were the one who posted me out what... now i want to go back..
Ms T: No! Not me okay? Our unit too many ppl already.. very hard to come back
me : I am now posted to XXXX unit, good or not?
Ms T: Not bad one la... the CO quite nice....
me : Ms T, heard from Johnson you have slimmed down again...
Ms T: (very excited) issit? really meh? ya lor, i slim down a lot liao.... now XX kg
me : So good... i am very fat now liao u know?
Ms T: No la, you are tall, nvm one... u know u look like the 5566 singer XXX??
me : Ya la, but last time you said ppl say u look like Fann Wong wat...
Ms T: Haha ... I am old liao la, u r still young
me : You are old but you are a mother of 3 what, you are a mei li de ma ma (pretty mum)
Ms T: YAYAYA!!!! Today I took cab, the driver say i am a meili de mama also! So coincidental!
me : You are really one mah.....
me : I think beauty comes from within lor, if u r happy, u r pretty
Ms T: Ya lor, i am a very cheerful person, thats why i am pretty lor...
me : So how? can post back to the unit or not?
Ms T: Oh, actually all you need is to write a letter to request lor..
me : You welcome me or not? I scared....
Ms T: Of cos la! The more the merrier mah, somemore you helped me so much before..
me : (puzzled, cos i nv help her before) Oh thanks ah!
Ms T: Ya if you write in and they never reply, tell me, i will shoot them an email!
me : Paiseh leh Ms T, trouble you...
Ms T: No la... i feel guilty mah cos i posted you out..
me : (damm, just now u said u din...) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Haha trust me, I din exaggerate the conversation!!! Such a person really exist in the world, but if she is harmless and can remain so cheerful in life, whats wrong right? But its me... oh no.... the way to survive.
me : Hi is that Ms T? I am XXX
Ms T: You are no longer in our unit you know, why you still call here?
me : Ya la, you were the one who posted me out what... now i want to go back..
Ms T: No! Not me okay? Our unit too many ppl already.. very hard to come back
me : I am now posted to XXXX unit, good or not?
Ms T: Not bad one la... the CO quite nice....
me : Ms T, heard from Johnson you have slimmed down again...
Ms T: (very excited) issit? really meh? ya lor, i slim down a lot liao.... now XX kg
me : So good... i am very fat now liao u know?
Ms T: No la, you are tall, nvm one... u know u look like the 5566 singer XXX??
me : Ya la, but last time you said ppl say u look like Fann Wong wat...
Ms T: Haha ... I am old liao la, u r still young
me : You are old but you are a mother of 3 what, you are a mei li de ma ma (pretty mum)
Ms T: YAYAYA!!!! Today I took cab, the driver say i am a meili de mama also! So coincidental!
me : You are really one mah.....
me : I think beauty comes from within lor, if u r happy, u r pretty
Ms T: Ya lor, i am a very cheerful person, thats why i am pretty lor...
me : So how? can post back to the unit or not?
Ms T: Oh, actually all you need is to write a letter to request lor..
me : You welcome me or not? I scared....
Ms T: Of cos la! The more the merrier mah, somemore you helped me so much before..
me : (puzzled, cos i nv help her before) Oh thanks ah!
Ms T: Ya if you write in and they never reply, tell me, i will shoot them an email!
me : Paiseh leh Ms T, trouble you...
Ms T: No la... i feel guilty mah cos i posted you out..
me : (damm, just now u said u din...) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Haha trust me, I din exaggerate the conversation!!! Such a person really exist in the world, but if she is harmless and can remain so cheerful in life, whats wrong right? But its me... oh no.... the way to survive.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
No TV
Most of my close friends will know that I seldom watch TV.
When I was in the army, there was a TV in my bunk, but most of the time it was utilised by my bunk mates to play Play Station - hence no tv for me.
When i moved to NUS, I did not bring along any TV set with me. Neither did i visit the TV lounge nor bother to click on the NUSCAST to watch the TV programs - hence no tv still.
The introduction of TV mobile on SBS buses does not help either as I seldom travel on SBS buses. But this evening, I got this opportunity of travelling on a public bus with TV mobile, showing the Cancer Charity show. During that show time, it was veteran taiwanese singer Chen Sheng, singing his famous song ' One Night In Beijing'.
This reminded me of the time when I first heard this song which was 12 years ago. I used to have a small radio set placed at my study desk, passed down by my late maternal grandfather. Everyday, I would listen to FM93.3 without fail and hence, I got to know every single new song that was brought into the chinese pop industry. When I was away to Beijing for 3 weeks, I got a temporary 'cut off' from the chinese pop... and the very first song I heard on the radio in my room right after my Beijing trip was none other than "One Night In Being". I was still very "Beijing-minded" then that this song came at the right timing to touch my heart.
I feel that Chen Sheng sang the song superbly well jus now. The feelings were 100% there.... Yeah, I always judge a singer's capability by his/her live performances and not on CDs. Thats why i feel jolin tsai cnmi. And the compere of the show tonite, Tang Na, is herself an excellent singer too!
Happy 21st Birthday to Sumantri aka didi!!!
When I was in the army, there was a TV in my bunk, but most of the time it was utilised by my bunk mates to play Play Station - hence no tv for me.
When i moved to NUS, I did not bring along any TV set with me. Neither did i visit the TV lounge nor bother to click on the NUSCAST to watch the TV programs - hence no tv still.
The introduction of TV mobile on SBS buses does not help either as I seldom travel on SBS buses. But this evening, I got this opportunity of travelling on a public bus with TV mobile, showing the Cancer Charity show. During that show time, it was veteran taiwanese singer Chen Sheng, singing his famous song ' One Night In Beijing'.
This reminded me of the time when I first heard this song which was 12 years ago. I used to have a small radio set placed at my study desk, passed down by my late maternal grandfather. Everyday, I would listen to FM93.3 without fail and hence, I got to know every single new song that was brought into the chinese pop industry. When I was away to Beijing for 3 weeks, I got a temporary 'cut off' from the chinese pop... and the very first song I heard on the radio in my room right after my Beijing trip was none other than "One Night In Being". I was still very "Beijing-minded" then that this song came at the right timing to touch my heart.
I feel that Chen Sheng sang the song superbly well jus now. The feelings were 100% there.... Yeah, I always judge a singer's capability by his/her live performances and not on CDs. Thats why i feel jolin tsai cnmi. And the compere of the show tonite, Tang Na, is herself an excellent singer too!
Happy 21st Birthday to Sumantri aka didi!!!
Saturday, October 02, 2004
My Life is Degrading
Children's Day is over, so riki how u celebrate your day?
The offer by MOE is going to expire 3 days later, and I still havent officially rejected or accepted them yet. Although I will be able to by-pass the sch assessment period and enter NIE directly, I am still not very ready to go into the teaching line. Some told me that I will be condemed and blacklisted if I reject MOE again (yeah this is the 2nd time since 7 yrs ago), but I just couldnt care for now.
I am a very greedy person, as I am now tempted to get myself an overseas job. It seems that majority from my batch is leaving singapore for overseas job appointments. The early birds have kinda lose out in this aspect, as the 'late-comers' seem to get aplenty of overseas job opportunities which came pretty much later after we graduated - to USA, Japan, Germany etc.
I must have mentioned so many times in my blog that I am so used to staying 'outside' form home that I really wish I am not at home. Perhaps getting an overseas job is just an escapism for me from home. But going overseas is definitely a good thing, with invaluable experiences to gain and great exposure. Take care my friends!
I wrote an email to my manager last evening tell him all my displeasures at work. He replied me with an email, and also SMSed me about it. He gave me lots of encouragements and assure me that I am doing a good job. But then.... thats not what I needed right now. I told him the fact tat I wudnt wanna see myself taking up his role five yrs down the road, as thats not wat i wanted. His face turned a bit ugly, but I have to speak the truth. I also told him that I am too green and junior in this industry to hold up such a senior post. Its so hard to strike a balance between 'respecting the snr workers' and 'exercising my rightful authority' to get them to do work.
Like wat i told bean over msn right now, I still I have been living a degraded life, wasting my time for the past 4 months, working just for money. Life has never been so dull and meaningless during my days in sec sch, jc, army and needless to mention, NUS.
A taxi driver told me: Without us paying the company our taxi rentals... where u all get ur salary and jobs!?! So u all are relying on us and u shld serve us well!
I told him back: Well, without my ppl servicing your taxi and maintaining it, you cant even go out to pick passengers and earn a living! DUH!
= The inter-dependant relationship of human beings =
The offer by MOE is going to expire 3 days later, and I still havent officially rejected or accepted them yet. Although I will be able to by-pass the sch assessment period and enter NIE directly, I am still not very ready to go into the teaching line. Some told me that I will be condemed and blacklisted if I reject MOE again (yeah this is the 2nd time since 7 yrs ago), but I just couldnt care for now.
I am a very greedy person, as I am now tempted to get myself an overseas job. It seems that majority from my batch is leaving singapore for overseas job appointments. The early birds have kinda lose out in this aspect, as the 'late-comers' seem to get aplenty of overseas job opportunities which came pretty much later after we graduated - to USA, Japan, Germany etc.
I must have mentioned so many times in my blog that I am so used to staying 'outside' form home that I really wish I am not at home. Perhaps getting an overseas job is just an escapism for me from home. But going overseas is definitely a good thing, with invaluable experiences to gain and great exposure. Take care my friends!
I wrote an email to my manager last evening tell him all my displeasures at work. He replied me with an email, and also SMSed me about it. He gave me lots of encouragements and assure me that I am doing a good job. But then.... thats not what I needed right now. I told him the fact tat I wudnt wanna see myself taking up his role five yrs down the road, as thats not wat i wanted. His face turned a bit ugly, but I have to speak the truth. I also told him that I am too green and junior in this industry to hold up such a senior post. Its so hard to strike a balance between 'respecting the snr workers' and 'exercising my rightful authority' to get them to do work.
Like wat i told bean over msn right now, I still I have been living a degraded life, wasting my time for the past 4 months, working just for money. Life has never been so dull and meaningless during my days in sec sch, jc, army and needless to mention, NUS.
A taxi driver told me: Without us paying the company our taxi rentals... where u all get ur salary and jobs!?! So u all are relying on us and u shld serve us well!
I told him back: Well, without my ppl servicing your taxi and maintaining it, you cant even go out to pick passengers and earn a living! DUH!
= The inter-dependant relationship of human beings =
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Love & Clique
Its just a few days late (in Oct) that they will be getting their key to their new flat, but they declare a split :s - End of Story - My family luck?
I have seen so many victims of love around me. I have witnessed how love can send a person up the heaven, and crush them down mercilessly. Even though I have not really fallen deeply in love or hurt by it this life, I can kinda guess or imagine how hurting and bleedingly painful a broken heart feels. Perhaps I have gotten the experiences in my past life that I wudnt wanna have it again anymore.
Within my workplace, I can easily identify up to 5 to 6 pairs of MBA holders. What does MBA stands for? MBA = Married But Available. Even one my closest colleague admitted that he has slept with at least 3 female colleagues in my company, waLAOayzzs.
On the brighter side, I feel its very important to form our own clique at the workplace. With a strength of almost 300 ppl at my workplace, almost everyone is a taiji master. Their non cooperative behaviour sometimes make me wanna puke blood. Fortunately with my clique around, at least I have someone to complain to, joke around with, and have meals together. We give one another the moral support that we seriously need in the vicious working environment - No Man Is An Island -
I have seen so many victims of love around me. I have witnessed how love can send a person up the heaven, and crush them down mercilessly. Even though I have not really fallen deeply in love or hurt by it this life, I can kinda guess or imagine how hurting and bleedingly painful a broken heart feels. Perhaps I have gotten the experiences in my past life that I wudnt wanna have it again anymore.
Within my workplace, I can easily identify up to 5 to 6 pairs of MBA holders. What does MBA stands for? MBA = Married But Available. Even one my closest colleague admitted that he has slept with at least 3 female colleagues in my company, waLAOayzzs.
On the brighter side, I feel its very important to form our own clique at the workplace. With a strength of almost 300 ppl at my workplace, almost everyone is a taiji master. Their non cooperative behaviour sometimes make me wanna puke blood. Fortunately with my clique around, at least I have someone to complain to, joke around with, and have meals together. We give one another the moral support that we seriously need in the vicious working environment - No Man Is An Island -
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
O! My Home!
I feel I have a lot to share tonight, but I wouldnt wanna make my blog into a target board of complaints. Neither do I want to confuse my friends with what I wrote nor I wanna give them a misconception that I am just trying to AA. Well, I shall follow my heart.
I did not plan to visit NUS this evening for the mid autumn festival celebration. However, a msg from chin lee changed my mind. She thought I could help by 'interacting' with any new-comers that come tonight.
Yeps, there are a few very strong reasons why i still wanna attend NUSBS functions. A very obvious reason is to help out with my juniors/friends/brothers, supporting them in whatever I can. The next very strong reason is to interact with the new ppl and bring them closer to the society, and subsqly buddhism. I feel a greate sense of acheivement and find it very meaningful to provide a channel for these new ppl to know more abt the Dharma, even though I know my own limits.
On the contrary, I am not there to seek for a sense of belonging. I still pretty much prefer an individualistic lifestyle. A life with as little attachment as possible, including detachment from my own family or to anyone or any group.
Once again this evening, I get to interact with a new guy, who seemed quite interested in striking a conversation with me - Nothing much abt the Dharma though. And I reflected by taking a look at those ppl who were present this evening. I could vividly recall the different occasions which I got to interact with each and everyone of them when they were new-comers to the society. From David as a freshmen at matric fair 2001, to nale and nolittleway at PKS Dharma camp 2001, pearlyn as a freshman at FOC 2002 to OWY (Sentosa) & Zea (MRT) at Camp Voyage 2003 to new kids like Isen and Cindy at YIH Welcome Tea 2004.
The sad thing is that while I am willing to spend much time on my friends, I found myself spending too little time at home. Perhaps its really an escapism from home, or I am too used to staying alone outside. The worse thing is that my family is now pretty messy, and as a buddhist, I thought I shld be doing something to help my family.... but I have chosen to ignore and escape. My parents need my listening ears most, but I really feel sick listening to their incessant complaints abt life and each other.
I know I can do something, but i do not have the motivation and zest to do it. And i dun think i am doing it, as there is a risk I may break down myself too. Well well........
I did not plan to visit NUS this evening for the mid autumn festival celebration. However, a msg from chin lee changed my mind. She thought I could help by 'interacting' with any new-comers that come tonight.
Yeps, there are a few very strong reasons why i still wanna attend NUSBS functions. A very obvious reason is to help out with my juniors/friends/brothers, supporting them in whatever I can. The next very strong reason is to interact with the new ppl and bring them closer to the society, and subsqly buddhism. I feel a greate sense of acheivement and find it very meaningful to provide a channel for these new ppl to know more abt the Dharma, even though I know my own limits.
On the contrary, I am not there to seek for a sense of belonging. I still pretty much prefer an individualistic lifestyle. A life with as little attachment as possible, including detachment from my own family or to anyone or any group.
Once again this evening, I get to interact with a new guy, who seemed quite interested in striking a conversation with me - Nothing much abt the Dharma though. And I reflected by taking a look at those ppl who were present this evening. I could vividly recall the different occasions which I got to interact with each and everyone of them when they were new-comers to the society. From David as a freshmen at matric fair 2001, to nale and nolittleway at PKS Dharma camp 2001, pearlyn as a freshman at FOC 2002 to OWY (Sentosa) & Zea (MRT) at Camp Voyage 2003 to new kids like Isen and Cindy at YIH Welcome Tea 2004.
The sad thing is that while I am willing to spend much time on my friends, I found myself spending too little time at home. Perhaps its really an escapism from home, or I am too used to staying alone outside. The worse thing is that my family is now pretty messy, and as a buddhist, I thought I shld be doing something to help my family.... but I have chosen to ignore and escape. My parents need my listening ears most, but I really feel sick listening to their incessant complaints abt life and each other.
I know I can do something, but i do not have the motivation and zest to do it. And i dun think i am doing it, as there is a risk I may break down myself too. Well well........
Monday, September 27, 2004
Ugly world, still....
Throughout my uni life, I always thought that I have been very truthful (or you can say sincere & direct) to my friends, be it positive or negative comments I made to them. Now at work, I cant do the same and my everyday life is full of lies, wearing of diff masks and leading a rather insincere and pretentious life.
Even when talking to my juniors I have to be extremely sensitive, cautious and careful, for fear of hurting them. Thats not me and I dun like the way I am behaving now.
Back at home, I need to pretend to be cool, rational and un-emotional.
Its an ugly world, and I hate it.
Even when talking to my juniors I have to be extremely sensitive, cautious and careful, for fear of hurting them. Thats not me and I dun like the way I am behaving now.
Back at home, I need to pretend to be cool, rational and un-emotional.
Its an ugly world, and I hate it.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Over estimation
I am feeling extremely tired, for I have over-estimated by own stamina. Today, I slept from 2 plus straight after work all the way till evening time. I seldom take naps as I thought it slows my brain functionality. Today was an exception, i am getting old.
I almost forget the fact that I am holding a full time job. Having to wake up at 6 plus and reporting for work/course every morn, I continued my evenings after 530pm involving in some other activities. While the ppl around me were just as tired, I just realised the fact that I have been the last to reach home almost every night, to bathe, sleep and rest, and then to wake up earlier than them for the next day.
Definitely not trying to gain some recognitions, sympathy or credits, cos those were never my objectives for my actions done. But not so nice a feeling when ppl start to have misgivings abt your actions. I know I shldnt really be bothered how ppl view me or say abt me, but it serves as a disincentive to continue what I have aimed and planned to do, for the good of the community.
Like what Dr Kenneth Tan and Bhante Dhamaratana said last evening, many ppl are unwilling to give up their time for others. To me, i feel the "heart" is not fully there. When I really wanna do something, I will put my heart all out to do it, and not simply do it for the sake of doing it, not becos others want me or expect me to do it etc. Working alone and be responsible ONLY TO MYSELF is definitely different from working in a grp and being responsible to everyone in the grp. Many still cant get this fact right.
During my sch days, when i was feeling down, I can simply shut myself away from the rest of the world - go for an afternoon swim, evening jog, dun talk to anybody or hide myself in the hostel. But now i cant do the same in working life. I need to wear a mask at work everyday. No matter how tired or down i may feel, i still need to appear a smiley face in front of my clients, guests, bosses, workers and colleagues. I can no longer do whatever i like freely....
Well well..... the bottomline is - we must know how to take care of ourselves before we want to take care of others :D I have kinda overestimated myself a little this time.
I almost forget the fact that I am holding a full time job. Having to wake up at 6 plus and reporting for work/course every morn, I continued my evenings after 530pm involving in some other activities. While the ppl around me were just as tired, I just realised the fact that I have been the last to reach home almost every night, to bathe, sleep and rest, and then to wake up earlier than them for the next day.
Definitely not trying to gain some recognitions, sympathy or credits, cos those were never my objectives for my actions done. But not so nice a feeling when ppl start to have misgivings abt your actions. I know I shldnt really be bothered how ppl view me or say abt me, but it serves as a disincentive to continue what I have aimed and planned to do, for the good of the community.
Like what Dr Kenneth Tan and Bhante Dhamaratana said last evening, many ppl are unwilling to give up their time for others. To me, i feel the "heart" is not fully there. When I really wanna do something, I will put my heart all out to do it, and not simply do it for the sake of doing it, not becos others want me or expect me to do it etc. Working alone and be responsible ONLY TO MYSELF is definitely different from working in a grp and being responsible to everyone in the grp. Many still cant get this fact right.
During my sch days, when i was feeling down, I can simply shut myself away from the rest of the world - go for an afternoon swim, evening jog, dun talk to anybody or hide myself in the hostel. But now i cant do the same in working life. I need to wear a mask at work everyday. No matter how tired or down i may feel, i still need to appear a smiley face in front of my clients, guests, bosses, workers and colleagues. I can no longer do whatever i like freely....
Well well..... the bottomline is - we must know how to take care of ourselves before we want to take care of others :D I have kinda overestimated myself a little this time.
Friday, September 17, 2004
Ugly Human Beings
I am Ugly
I am feeling rather shameful for neglecting one of my friend's feelings. I dun mean that he needs my attention badly, but I was told he enjoys my company. Unfortunately, I havent been sensitive enough to him, and I (and we) did not realise he has been quite affected and upset over an incident.
I thought I have played my role as a senior rather lousily. I have been sub-conciously being selective over who to help. Thats the ugly me, playing double standards and neglecting the feelings of other sentient beings around me.
He is Ugly
He is really ugly. He is supposed to take charge of a major task but ended up his friends were doing it. To make things worse, he pushed the blame to his friends for not giving him feedbacks on the problems/difficulties they have faced.
"Why shld i be the one asking you for the updates? You shld be the one reporting to me on the updates instead!" Thats not a very healthy mentality. I have no choice but to whack this person upside down without giving him any face.
We are all ugly.
I am feeling rather shameful for neglecting one of my friend's feelings. I dun mean that he needs my attention badly, but I was told he enjoys my company. Unfortunately, I havent been sensitive enough to him, and I (and we) did not realise he has been quite affected and upset over an incident.
I thought I have played my role as a senior rather lousily. I have been sub-conciously being selective over who to help. Thats the ugly me, playing double standards and neglecting the feelings of other sentient beings around me.
He is Ugly
He is really ugly. He is supposed to take charge of a major task but ended up his friends were doing it. To make things worse, he pushed the blame to his friends for not giving him feedbacks on the problems/difficulties they have faced.
"Why shld i be the one asking you for the updates? You shld be the one reporting to me on the updates instead!" Thats not a very healthy mentality. I have no choice but to whack this person upside down without giving him any face.
We are all ugly.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Dun wish to say....
Once again, I have a lot of things in my mind which I thought I can 'report' in my blog, but I just dun have that much energy to blog them down.
Today, I went to ITE to attend a trainer course. The course was damm boring, so dry and monotonous. However, the ppl i met there were very nice and friendly. Among them were 3 from nursing profession , out of which 1 is a director of a nursing home. The others comprise ppl from airplane industry, chemical industry and even a 22 yr old hairstylist. Indeed a nice and interesting combi of ppl... but still, we all share the same sentiments that the facilitator was boring. Well, 3 more days to go....
The evening time was more lighted for me, as I joined the 26th MC in doing a simple dry run and mock set up for the exhibition. Hopefully they can rest well after buysing with BAW, and have a nice, meaningful and fruitful semester :D On top of the cultivational merits some of them have acheived through meditatation or other cultivations, the service merits they have accumulated thru their hard work for BAW are invaluable!
Oh yes Anananananda, I get to interact with several of the NTUBS xiaomeimeis during Camp Sadhu. They are pretty fun and cute wat... why u need to come all the way to NUSBS to get your own xiaomei? Anyway, I guess that my ties with the tertiary buddhist societies leaders do not seem to end any time soon.... I know i am getting old, but i am not at all bothered abt getting too attached to the student buddhist society or watsover, jus enjoy while you still can.
As what vincent lim said: Have you ever wondered why we are born in Singapore and not other countries? Do you see any purpose that we are born bilingual this life? Yes I get what he is trying to mean... dun waste what we are equipped with this life, make full use of our potential to help in propagating the Dharma.
Today, I went to ITE to attend a trainer course. The course was damm boring, so dry and monotonous. However, the ppl i met there were very nice and friendly. Among them were 3 from nursing profession , out of which 1 is a director of a nursing home. The others comprise ppl from airplane industry, chemical industry and even a 22 yr old hairstylist. Indeed a nice and interesting combi of ppl... but still, we all share the same sentiments that the facilitator was boring. Well, 3 more days to go....
The evening time was more lighted for me, as I joined the 26th MC in doing a simple dry run and mock set up for the exhibition. Hopefully they can rest well after buysing with BAW, and have a nice, meaningful and fruitful semester :D On top of the cultivational merits some of them have acheived through meditatation or other cultivations, the service merits they have accumulated thru their hard work for BAW are invaluable!
Oh yes Anananananda, I get to interact with several of the NTUBS xiaomeimeis during Camp Sadhu. They are pretty fun and cute wat... why u need to come all the way to NUSBS to get your own xiaomei? Anyway, I guess that my ties with the tertiary buddhist societies leaders do not seem to end any time soon.... I know i am getting old, but i am not at all bothered abt getting too attached to the student buddhist society or watsover, jus enjoy while you still can.
As what vincent lim said: Have you ever wondered why we are born in Singapore and not other countries? Do you see any purpose that we are born bilingual this life? Yes I get what he is trying to mean... dun waste what we are equipped with this life, make full use of our potential to help in propagating the Dharma.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Too many things to say.....
This evening, I have too much stuffs in mind that I wish to express, yet I am asking myself if I need to share them out.
Firstly, I wish to inform my friends that I have been offered 'Permanent Teaching' by MOE. I am glad that I wasnt offered 'Contract Teaching' instead. The monthly pay is about the same as my current pay, but definitely much less bonus. Well, I shall take sometime to consider about it.
Secondly, its a small reflection I did after attending Camp Sadhu. Although I was made the IC of one of the main events, but I felt I didnt do too good a job. Initially, I could recognise my own effort but because it was done without much passion and interest, I began to slack. Fortunately, Shiongwei was around to helpe and with most of us having past experiences in organising camps and such, the camp was done rather stress-free even when we were just given about 1 week to prepare.
The most impressive part of the camp must be the moment when the judges gave comments during the Case Study Session. I see most of them speak with the greatest sincerity, not jus mere quoting of teachings or some cliche statements, but with their personal experiences. I am particularly impressed by Juliana (ex P of SPBS) and our very own 20th MC NUSBS ex president Kenneth Tan.
Some impressive quotes:
"Never try to convert or change others, but keep your doors open when sharing the Dharma".
"You can use whatever energy you have now running the MC, but pls save some for the final lap of your journey"
Of cos these were just 2 of the many wonderful experiences they have shared which I found very relevant and sincere.
Thirdly, I wish to compliment my smallbro zea for the painstaking efforts he has put in lately for NUSBS. Besides taking the great challenge of running the P post, I see the great commmitment and seriousness he has put in for the coming BAW. I guess what he needs most is support from everyone. Hopefully everyone esp the ex-MC and current active members of NUSBS, can give him their fullest support. Lets hope for a great success in the coming BAW!
Finally, I would like to wish my friend Jane - May you be well and happy!
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Karma Ghost
Last evening, I was at Sohan's pgp room watching "Karma Ghost", a flash clip introduced by smallbro ong. I am nv a huge fans of animations or cartoons, but this clip is really interesting and caught me captivated. I shall not reveal too much and let you watch it by yourself. OWY, u may like to provide the URL in my comment box to let them enjoy it.
Lately, I get to confront closely with this fact, that there are indeed several things which are very beneficial for us to do and follow, and yet we arent doing them. Similarly, there are many things which we shldnt do, and yet we still do them. But dun get me wrong, I am not refering to something general, like: "I know I shld meditate and keep the five precepts well but how come i am not doing them." Its something slightly more specific and subtle...
Last saturday evening during my CMC sitting, I was once again expecting myself to see the 'nimitta'. I was hoping to see some bright lights and also kept recalling some images which I have seen before. Perhaps sub-conciously, I was setting a benchmark for myself - 1)If i am able to see those images again, it means tat i have neither improved nor deproved. 2)If i am unable tosee those images, it means I have deproved. 3)If i am able to see even more images, it means I have improved!
All the while for samatha meditation, we have been told to focus diligently on our breaths, and not the nimitta (at least so not when our concentration is still weak). In other words, working & training on mindfuless and concentration are most important to us, not the nimitta yet. That evening, I deeply reflected on this fact, and immediately dropped off my habouring thoughts for nimitta. I thought: Its time to get smart and work on whats best for myself, so stop wasting time on something unneccesary. I had a pretty meaningful meditation session.
Also, I get to appreciate slightly more on the essence of buddhism on 'no self'. Its often the idea of 'self' that made us suffer, be it when ppl complain abt: Nobody cares for me, Nobody understands me, Others are not being fair to me, I am losing out to others, Why are ppl better than me? Why I fail to get this and that? ..... As the list of 'me' and 'I' gets longer, our sufferings grow larger and more intensive.
If we choose to walk the bodhisattva path, our focus and aim in life shld be helping all sentient beings. So does it still matter whether its Me, You, Him or Her?
Lately, I get to confront closely with this fact, that there are indeed several things which are very beneficial for us to do and follow, and yet we arent doing them. Similarly, there are many things which we shldnt do, and yet we still do them. But dun get me wrong, I am not refering to something general, like: "I know I shld meditate and keep the five precepts well but how come i am not doing them." Its something slightly more specific and subtle...
Last saturday evening during my CMC sitting, I was once again expecting myself to see the 'nimitta'. I was hoping to see some bright lights and also kept recalling some images which I have seen before. Perhaps sub-conciously, I was setting a benchmark for myself - 1)If i am able to see those images again, it means tat i have neither improved nor deproved. 2)If i am unable tosee those images, it means I have deproved. 3)If i am able to see even more images, it means I have improved!
All the while for samatha meditation, we have been told to focus diligently on our breaths, and not the nimitta (at least so not when our concentration is still weak). In other words, working & training on mindfuless and concentration are most important to us, not the nimitta yet. That evening, I deeply reflected on this fact, and immediately dropped off my habouring thoughts for nimitta. I thought: Its time to get smart and work on whats best for myself, so stop wasting time on something unneccesary. I had a pretty meaningful meditation session.
Also, I get to appreciate slightly more on the essence of buddhism on 'no self'. Its often the idea of 'self' that made us suffer, be it when ppl complain abt: Nobody cares for me, Nobody understands me, Others are not being fair to me, I am losing out to others, Why are ppl better than me? Why I fail to get this and that? ..... As the list of 'me' and 'I' gets longer, our sufferings grow larger and more intensive.
If we choose to walk the bodhisattva path, our focus and aim in life shld be helping all sentient beings. So does it still matter whether its Me, You, Him or Her?
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Army Open House 2004
Today, I spent the almost entire of my day at the Army Open House 2004 with sumantri (didi). I have always been wanting to visit the AOH for the past few yrs but the conditions were nv ready. Finally I made my way there today.
Indeed, I wasnt surprised NOT to find many guys of my age grp at the AOH, as most of them shld probably be so sick with the army. Perhaps, some may harbour hatreds and resentments for it. Ya! i am the funny weirdo exception who doesn really hate the army that much.
Most of the stuffs i did wth sumantri today were not new to me, be it mounting and travelling on the Bionix Armoured Fighting Vehicle round the training area, firing the SAR21s with live rounds, doing the Standard Obstacle Course (SOC)etc. In fact, I felt a bit malu of 'cheating' them with the souvenirs as I had no problem crossing those SOC stations (I have done them in my army days). And I supposed most of the marshallers could guess tat and tats why they saw me also sian and they din really bother to demonstrate to us on how on how to cross the obstacles. Hmm.. i always thot i dun look very much like a singaporean? Poor sumantri had to cross those obstacles with the marshallers assuming he has done NS before.
Frankly speaking, most of what we did today (SOC, live-firing, mounting on Bionix) were much dreaded by most army guys, and even by myself during my army days. But the feelings of doing them today were much different from the past, with less pressure of cos. Today was probably the first time I walked into the live firing range and jumped into the fox hole feeling so chirpy, haha. In the past, either i was screwed by my instructors or I was the one screwing my men during the ranges.
I feel that one mini success i have achieved is my ability to psycho myself to view and convert negative things to positive ones. Army may be dreadful to many guys including myself, but I dun really hate it as much as most guys do. In fact, I got to appreciate the trainings and hardship days tat I ve been through months before I ORDed. I did a reflection then on how much I have grown, gained confidence and progressed in life. Thats probably why I nv had that repulsive a feeling towards the army compared to most other guys.
Jane, I din really like dogs, but purposely took this pic to make u feel jealous, akakaka...
Talk Too Much
Nale was asking me to consider contributing to the B-digest she will be preparing. Well, I know where I stand when it comes to writing serious articles, haha, but nvtheless, I will try to practise writing more on my self reflections in my blog (which i havent done so for so long), rather then shallow & meaningless reports on my daily encounters (which i have been doing much lately).
This evening, I attended the last session of the CMC evening meditation at Qing Liang Jing She. I even stayed on for the Dharma discussion, something which i havent done so for a very long too. The reason why I always leave immediately after the meditation session is because I did not enjoy the Dharma 'sharing' sessions.
Well, I have to admit that my own perceptions and reactions do play a significant part in contributing towards my negative attitude towards Dharma sharing sessions. While there are times that I feel very motivated and enjoyed the sharings by ppl, i found out that most of the time ppl were jus trying to voice out whatever they know, to a certain extent trying to show off. However, most of them still meant well and speak with very good intentions, jus that their eagerness to instil their thoughts and ideas to the rest often did not make the sharing sessions beneficial to them eventually.
Just now, the discussion topic was coincidentally on 'Approaching Death' too. The main issue discuss is about how can we let go of our attachments (family esp) and enter the bhikkuhood.
1) Guy A commented that if he were given a choice to look after his mum or go for ordination, he wud rather choose the former, for its his duty to take care of his mum.
2) Guy B kinda 'corrected' him by saying that we have not much time left to waste. He felt that we often claim that we feel guilty abt not taking care of our parents, but how come we wun feel the same if we know we have contracted a terminal disease any is dying soon? He felt tat its more of ourselves refusing to let go, and not becos our parents refuse to let us go.
I personally feel that such discussions were retundant. I dun find the sharing beneficial in anyway. And most imptly, these ppl most probably wun gain anything from the discussion after leaving the session too. Perhaps I have been talking too much in the past, often dominating the Dharma circles when i was in yr1-3 era, that now I feel ashamed and guilty of what i have done after some reflections.
Sometimes, there isnt really a need to open up my mouth. Before i speak, I shld ask myself: Is the sound I am intending to produce soon gonna be better off than the silence we are having now?
PS: it excludes writing this blog, hahaha
This evening, I attended the last session of the CMC evening meditation at Qing Liang Jing She. I even stayed on for the Dharma discussion, something which i havent done so for a very long too. The reason why I always leave immediately after the meditation session is because I did not enjoy the Dharma 'sharing' sessions.
Well, I have to admit that my own perceptions and reactions do play a significant part in contributing towards my negative attitude towards Dharma sharing sessions. While there are times that I feel very motivated and enjoyed the sharings by ppl, i found out that most of the time ppl were jus trying to voice out whatever they know, to a certain extent trying to show off. However, most of them still meant well and speak with very good intentions, jus that their eagerness to instil their thoughts and ideas to the rest often did not make the sharing sessions beneficial to them eventually.
Just now, the discussion topic was coincidentally on 'Approaching Death' too. The main issue discuss is about how can we let go of our attachments (family esp) and enter the bhikkuhood.
1) Guy A commented that if he were given a choice to look after his mum or go for ordination, he wud rather choose the former, for its his duty to take care of his mum.
2) Guy B kinda 'corrected' him by saying that we have not much time left to waste. He felt that we often claim that we feel guilty abt not taking care of our parents, but how come we wun feel the same if we know we have contracted a terminal disease any is dying soon? He felt tat its more of ourselves refusing to let go, and not becos our parents refuse to let us go.
I personally feel that such discussions were retundant. I dun find the sharing beneficial in anyway. And most imptly, these ppl most probably wun gain anything from the discussion after leaving the session too. Perhaps I have been talking too much in the past, often dominating the Dharma circles when i was in yr1-3 era, that now I feel ashamed and guilty of what i have done after some reflections.
Sometimes, there isnt really a need to open up my mouth. Before i speak, I shld ask myself: Is the sound I am intending to produce soon gonna be better off than the silence we are having now?
PS: it excludes writing this blog, hahaha
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Circling the Dharma
Yesterday, I made a last minute decision to rush down to NUS for the Dharma circle, and fortunately i did.
I got this chance to meet up with one of our senior, Hwee Shan (who is probably 10 yrs my snr). Initially, her background didnt seem to impress me at all. Moreover, i am those typical ego kind of guy who tend to look down on ppl, and not easily convinced or impressed by others.
But after a sharing session with her of about 2.5hrs, I was deeply amazed and impressed by the compassion and positive energy she exudes. I guess she has become the idol of many of us overnight. Its indeed our collective karma to be able to meet up with her last evening. 'She is a bodhisattva' - as quoted from Gabriel Kalden.
During the first hour or so, the room was filled with much positive energy - a contribution from everybody's joyous mood + of cos the presence of Hwee Shan. Its definitely not a pyschological effect from myself as I din come with a very joyous and light-hearted mood. This positive feeling was felt gradually as the session proceeded.
Unfortunately, the session was somehow upset by a few mundane arguements on certain issues, which both nale and i felt was certainly unnecessary. While its good to clarify issues and raise questions, I felt there was this tendancy for ppl to correct others or forcely voice out what they know, be it from their own readings or whatever. The worse part was that the new guy was not even given a chance to finish his story on the turtle before he was 'corrected'. Those who din know the story will be hang puzzling in the air - what r u guys talking about!?
I believe many who were present last nite did have their own views and understandings of the analogy, just that they din see the need to voice out or argue. Afterall, the essence of the teaching is to practise the Dharma well and treasure human life.
On the other hand, I felt hwee shan was wonderful. Without rushing to voice out her views, the way she handled and reacted to someone 'correcting' her words was even more impressive. And wat touches me most was that most of what she shared with us last night were either her own or her friend's experiences, nothing much quoted from books or sutras.
Those who have met Ven Chun Hui (a NUS-grad theravadan nun) will find her a very compassionate nun. Ven Chun Hui told us 2 yrs ago that she didnt wanna join NUSBS initially, but merely wish to offer her friend (Librarian of nusbs) a helping hand, and thus, joined her as a sub-commer. And the librarian she mentioned is none other than Hwee Shan. And their president then actually conduct their own sessions on 'Cheng Fo Zhi Dao' Well. Well.... if only I was a student in their era.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Juggling
My msn is now busy flashing, with countless of messages sent over at almost every split seconds by 11 nusbs jnrs in a combined msn chat. I cant exactly follow what they are chatting about, but I hardly see them getting so excited. Perhaps the presence of some pretty gal(s) really helps? Kekekeke.... dun try too hard to impress ppl lahz.
Tonite is the third consecutive evening I have stayed out late to meet ppl up for the STIBS camp plannings. I remembered we used to spend up to 6mths to 1 yr to plan for a camp (nusbs FOC) in the past, but we are now only given 10++ days to start something from scratch. Its indeed a challenge, but having work with lotsa veterans, I am confident the camp will turn out well.
Its indeed my pleasure to be able to work with NTUBS ex presidents Liangshing and Justin, plus also our own nusbs ex Dharma Director Shiongwei on certain parts of the camp. Its my first time working with them on Dharma work.
Its indeed quite tough for a working class to juggle between work and doing the voluntary Dharma work. As a working class, we only have limited after-working-hours to work things out. More often than not, we were very tired after work. But stress and pressure given by both sides can sometimes be enjoyable, really, and that makes our life meaningful, isnt it?
Tonite is the third consecutive evening I have stayed out late to meet ppl up for the STIBS camp plannings. I remembered we used to spend up to 6mths to 1 yr to plan for a camp (nusbs FOC) in the past, but we are now only given 10++ days to start something from scratch. Its indeed a challenge, but having work with lotsa veterans, I am confident the camp will turn out well.
Its indeed my pleasure to be able to work with NTUBS ex presidents Liangshing and Justin, plus also our own nusbs ex Dharma Director Shiongwei on certain parts of the camp. Its my first time working with them on Dharma work.
Its indeed quite tough for a working class to juggle between work and doing the voluntary Dharma work. As a working class, we only have limited after-working-hours to work things out. More often than not, we were very tired after work. But stress and pressure given by both sides can sometimes be enjoyable, really, and that makes our life meaningful, isnt it?
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