~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When an unpleasant feeling, physical or mental, arises in him, the wise man does not worry, complain, weep, pound his chest, pull his hair, torture his body and mind, or faint. He calmly observes his feeling and nis aware that it is only a feeling. He knows that he is not the feeling, and he is not caught by the feeling. Therefore, the pain cannot bind him. When he has a painful physical feling, he knows that there is a painful physical feeling. He does not lose his calmness, does not worry, does not fear, and does not complain. Thus the feeling remains a painful physical feeling, and its not able to grow and ravage his whole being.

Exactly one year ago, I was at my peak. In fact, the positive energy was built up the during the 2 short retreats which I attened prior to sch opening in Aug 2003. In addition to the wonderful conditions I had then, I felt good and was happy almost everyday.

But things are often too good to be true. The positive spirit suddenly died down fast and took a nose dive towards the end of the year. It never did go up steadily ever since, despite my great efforts in keeping my spirits up. Something is just bogging me down throughout, together with the various problems which I gradually face at home and at work.

But I am glad I have my friends around during this phase of my life. Sorry for all the complaints and nonsense I have been sprouting at some of u, esp on msn. Its just one way i release myself. And i have been oblivious and unconcerned with the problems my friends are facing, needless to mention about spending time listening and showing concern for them. Sorry I havent been myself for the past 1 yr...

Making Use of Buddhism

Early this week, I spent some time re-decorating my office room with some buddhist postcards, bookmarks and picture cards. Also printed Sayalay's photo and paste it on the wall. My boss wasnt too comfortable seeing all these Buddhist related items, but well, I shall cooperate by not actively preach the Dharma at my work place.

Few days ago, a very nasty taxi driver barged into my office and complained about his vehicular problem. Apparently, my workshop is facing shortage in one of the vehicular parts and could only give him an alternative brand. He was very unhappy and insisted in having the 'original' one which is only available next month. He even suggested me taking it from the scrape cars or other unused taxis to fit into his taxi. I was at my wits' end on how to deal with him when all of the sudden, he turned very friendly. It was such an unexpected and abrupt twist that he eventually told me he was fine with the alternative brand, and did not mind coming down to the workshop next month for replacement after the stock arrives.

Shortly later, he pointed to those buddhist picture cards I have and told me he has plenty of them. After which, he persistently brought me to his taxi where he passed me one stack of those pic cards. I kindly rejected them but he insisted I keep them and claimed that there were some designs which I dun have on my wall. He even used the reason of "Help others to 'jie yuan' with buddhism" and encouraged me to distribute these pic cards to my colleagues. I finally gave in as the reasons he gave seemed so 'aspiring & meaningful'.

Yesterday, this driver came back again and shook my hand. He said that the 'alternative' brand was just as good, and praised my foreman and technicians for the great job done. He said he will be writing in some compliment letters for us. I told my boss about this driver and found out he is one of those 'listed' drivers that my workshop has highlighted for being "ngiao and demanding".

Well, I dun wish to use buddhism in such a way to solve my problem, and that certainly doesn potray very well on buddhists though...

Well done Lemoncow!

This evening I went for blood donation at SGH HSA. The queue today was very long at tbe blood bank. However, I am very pleased to see many working ppl rushing down from work to HSA for blood donation as friday is the only day that it opens till 8pm. And yeah, I got a very nice free blood donor t shirt from HSA!

After which, I proceeded down to NTU to meet the kichis for BS Supper. Prior to my donation, I have gone to the grocery shop to buy 2 loafs of bread. One giant loaf for riki kichi, and one banana flavoured gardenia bread for sumantri. I purposely chose 'banana' as I know he loves banana.

Unfortunately for sumantri, the entire banana loaf was soon eaten by the ppl while we were chatting, and thats even before we realised it. We have already placed the loafs aside but somehow...... Fortunately riki's loaf was 'saved'. Anyway, we din feel the pain of losing the bread but found the entire thing funny & hilarious. I may be buying more next week.

Oh yes, I wonder if anyone of you do follow lemoncow's blog closely. I like to read her blog most, as I find her manage to express her inner feelings well in her writings. Perhaps to her thats far from perfect, but to me, I am often touched by her writings - very sincere and real.

Cheer up everybody! Including myself...

Bad MOooOooOOooD

I was in an extremely bad mood this morning. In fact, the negative energy is still very strong in me now.

My family siutation has gone from bad to worse. I quarrelled with my dad over some issues. I find myself being tapped and taxed too much in the family, both emotionally and financially. And it seems that my dad has made not much attempt to switch back to a humble and simple lifestyle after his 'retirement'.

At work, I have to face colleagues and customers who gave me different faces and attitudes. At home, I have to see those black faces who are at loggerheads. Its like living in hell.

My wish and will to live a renounce life grows even stronger. My manager told me its an escapism. But like what Ven Robina said: Do you laugh at an alcoholic who attempts to run away from liquor, that he is escaping?

I am not escaping from reality and problems, but I just wanna escape from those conditions and environment that add more problems to my life.

Stop scolding, pleaseeee.....

This morning, I was walking along a narrow corridor approaching my manager's office when i heard shoutings from within. A lady colleague happened to walk behind me and both of us quickly stopped and dared not walked in further. We could recognise the shouting voice belonging to the senior engineer of my company(SE). He was scolding some junior staff in my manager's office.

Poor boy, all the jnr staff wanted is to voice out his unpleasantness at work to my manager. He complained abt unfair treatment given by the SE. Unfortunately, my manager has overestimated the SE's control in temper and invited him for clarification, and there the poor guy got a thrashing from the SE instead. The scolding was so intense that how i wished he could stop immediately. Stop scolding this poor guy, pleaseeeee.... scolding doesn help, does it?

This afternoon, we had a meeting with a supplier from XXX company. The boss is an extremely arrogant fellow. By right, he shld be getting into our good books since we are his customer, but for some particular reason, he was very nasty towards my manager. Perhaps he looked down on my manager as he looks very young. The words he refuted my manager were really unbearable whenever the latter tried to make some comments, and how I wish i could defend for my manager and talk back at him. @(*&(*@&#@*($#@(*

The working society is really filled with so many nasty fellows around. Firstly, there are ppl like the Senior Engineer of my company who doesn do much work except for bossing around, and the boss of XXX company who is so rude and nasty even towards ppl of management level.

Sometimes, I wonder if I can really survive in this society, considering my short temperedness. I am fortunate enough to have such a gentle and caring boss (except for the fact he is too old fashioned and inflexible). Being so spoilt by him, I worry I may not be able to survive well under my future bosses who definitely will not be half as nice as him. I am still in a very big and comfortable cushion.

Oh yea, one of my BS xiaomeis gave me a surprise for being attached to another BS guy of my batch. Although both were from BS, I nv recall them knowing each other, as the guy was pretty inactive in the society but did help us a lot in planning of some major events (in her absence though). Anyway, both parties are very nice ppl and gentle ppl, may they be well and happy!

Surprises surprises ... life is full of surprises. Isnt it great that sometimes you can still amuse yourself with little news here and there?

Not again Love...

Last saturday, I felt very bored in my office and decided to print out out some photographs using the given HP printer. I have been told that my office looked very bare and dull, and many suggested i place some decorations. So these photos would come in handy. Unfortunately, a few of my colleagues came in and commented I am 'hao lian' jokingly. To me, these graduation/commencement photos are just photos and I have no intention of showing off I am a graduate. I believe everyone who read my blog are either graduates or undergraduate themselves too, so you will know how I feel. Anyway, I will not remove them unless I really got sick of them myself.

Last evening, I chatted with 2 gals - one of them is my colleague (Jen) and the other is a gal (Jan) i acquainted from the internet (oh yeah, their names are really quite close). Both of them are troubled by love.

Jen met 'the guy' again last evening in town and she couldnt help but feel her heart sinking. This guy is a married man but was seen last evening with another 'new gal'. Well, love can really make the wise blind. Jen is a graduate just like myself but unknowingly she fell into his trap. It has been almost a year but she still find it very difficult to let go.

I tried to explain to her on attachments, and also to avoid producing those conditions that will make her miss him more - answering his phone calls, going out with him, SMSing him etc. She thought my these were great ideas.


Jan was more jialat. She was still unable to get over her ex-bf whom she broke up one yr ago too. To make the matter worse, she is still harbouring hatred and sore feelings towards the guy. Like what Kalden said : Love (bgr) often leads to posessiveness, which subsequently lead to selfishness and hatreds.

I tried to explain to her on the 2nd noble truth that its due to our attachments and cravings that lead to her sufferings. But she insisted that love without attachments is not called love, and loving someone without any attachment for that someone is being unfair to that someone :s The discussion got more tensed up as both parties tried to argue their way through.

I recalled the very much given advice that when I am unable to take care of my own emotions, its better that I dun try to handle or help others first. While I clearly see that she may not be that ready to accept the 'teachings', I was very eager to 'correct' her misconceptions on love (which she said attachment is compulsory), and to stop her from continuing to suffer more by having such wrongful thoughts. I was once again reminded of the adverse effects of being over-eagerly in sharing the 'Dharma'.

1) Thee ego in trying to correct others and instil what i know onto others
2) The over-eagerness in trying to get others out of the sufferings

Commando Jetty

This is the Commando Jetty, which was used to ferry countless number of recruits from Singapore mainload over to Ladang Jetty at Pulau Tekong. Those friends who know me well will know that I love Tekong very much.

I pretty much remembered those miserable sunday evenings, that I have to wear my army No.4 uniform and jockey cap, carry a super heavy full pack (with lotsa unneccessary yet compulsory items inside), marching into the training shed with polish-shined boots. Those RPs (guards) often love to tekan us by making us re-do the entire procedure over and over again, hurling us with nasty remarks, until we finally get to reach the holding bay which was barely 15m away from the guardroom.

There were many unforgettable moments spent at the commando jetty. It was the place where i first tasted the army food, learnt how to tie my boots and fold my no.4 etc. Its the place where we discussed about our newly gotten A level results, the place where talked about chinese new yr plan etc. Its the place we dyingly looked forward to from tekong every saturday noon (the time to book out), yet it is also the place we dread to report to on every sunday evening when we have to book in.

Marching along the walkway from the holding area towards the ferry, we all knew that our wonderful weekend was completely over. Here we go again - and we have to wait for another week of trainings, tekanings and hardship, before we could be 'set free' again to book out on the next weekend.

And I nv know the commando jetty is so near my workplace. I was very sian one day that I drove out from work to visit the very famous Loyang Tua Pek Gong, and found that the commando jetty is just next to it! =)

Too Late

I got this news article from straitstimes online - Mr Eugene Lim is no longer in denial over the death of his wife, Mil-Com founder Diana Young. But while he is moving on, nights and Sundays are still hard

'It feels so strange stepping into Diana's office now. When I used to come in here, she would be right in this seat. I can hear her voice, see her expressions and sense her feelings and emotions,' he said.

'Now, all I have of her are pictures in the room.'

At first, things were awkward. Dinners were 'a bit quiet' then, but things are slowly getting back on an even keel.

Nights and Sundays are the worst, said Mr Lim. He sleeps fitfully, waking up every few hours to realise that his wife's side of the bed is empty.

It is quite a change from the past. 'We used to talk the most in our room, because in the day, everyone's too busy. Now, waking and finding that there's no one to talk to - that's the most difficult part.'

Sundays used to be family day, when all four went to church, did some shopping and had lunch together. Each family member took turns to decide what to have for lunch. Last Sunday, the remaining family spent the day together but there was no outing. They went to church then headed home. Lunch was fast-food takeaway.

The children are in the middle of their final examinations, and Mr Lim said they appeared to be coping well with the grief. But it will be some time before the pain really eases, he added.

Showing an SMS which Clovis had sent to his mother's phone after he knew she had died, Mr Lim struggled to hold back his tears. It read: 'Mummy, it may be too late already, but I love you.'

Bai Yue Guang

I have heard the song Bai Yue Guang (by Jeff Chang) several times while driving but I did not have a liking for it. However, when I heard it in my workshop 2 evenings ago, blasted over the large speakers, I thought the song was splendid - talk about sound quality & effects.

I have stopped be-friending ppl from the internet ever since i stopped using MIRC some 4 years ago. 4 yrs ago, a gal out of the blue added me to her icq list, and I found out she was a fellow NUS freshman just like me then. We met up several times for meals outside, but have nv met up in campus before - thats funny. We share the common interest in singing and even sang to each other on the phone. But I have since lost contact with her after she went overseas midway through her studies.

With the introduction of Friendsters and other programs/service of similar nature, the craze of 'befriending' ppl online starts to pick up again. Recently, a gal msged me and offered her friendship. And we started chatting on msn. What makes the new found friendship interesting is that our conversation ended up with talking about religion, as I introduced to her on the 4 Noble Truths and Noble 8 fold paths. And it didnt take quite long before we found out we were fellow TJCians from the same batch :) She is even a close friend of Peifen back in TJC then...

What a small world

Musavada Day

Today, I kinda broke the 4th precept, just to get myself posted back to my parent unit for reservist. I rang up the admin supervisor in charged (lets call her Miss T), who is a widow and a mother of 3 teenage sons. From my previous encounter with her during my last reservice, I realised that she is a very 'figure-concious' lady who is actually quite plump but can easily be flattered and will 'fly' if someone were to comment tat she has slimmed down or is getting prettier.

me : Hi is that Ms T? I am XXX
Ms T: You are no longer in our unit you know, why you still call here?
me : Ya la, you were the one who posted me out what... now i want to go back..
Ms T: No! Not me okay? Our unit too many ppl already.. very hard to come back
me : I am now posted to XXXX unit, good or not?
Ms T: Not bad one la... the CO quite nice....

me : Ms T, heard from Johnson you have slimmed down again...
Ms T: (very excited) issit? really meh? ya lor, i slim down a lot liao.... now XX kg
me : So good... i am very fat now liao u know?
Ms T: No la, you are tall, nvm one... u know u look like the 5566 singer XXX??
me : Ya la, but last time you said ppl say u look like Fann Wong wat...
Ms T: Haha ... I am old liao la, u r still young
me : You are old but you are a mother of 3 what, you are a mei li de ma ma (pretty mum)
Ms T: YAYAYA!!!! Today I took cab, the driver say i am a meili de mama also! So coincidental!
me : You are really one mah.....

me : I think beauty comes from within lor, if u r happy, u r pretty
Ms T: Ya lor, i am a very cheerful person, thats why i am pretty lor...

me : So how? can post back to the unit or not?
Ms T: Oh, actually all you need is to write a letter to request lor..
me : You welcome me or not? I scared....
Ms T: Of cos la! The more the merrier mah, somemore you helped me so much before..
me : (puzzled, cos i nv help her before) Oh thanks ah!
Ms T: Ya if you write in and they never reply, tell me, i will shoot them an email!
me : Paiseh leh Ms T, trouble you...
Ms T: No la... i feel guilty mah cos i posted you out..
me : (damm, just now u said u din...) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Haha trust me, I din exaggerate the conversation!!! Such a person really exist in the world, but if she is harmless and can remain so cheerful in life, whats wrong right? But its me... oh no.... the way to survive.

No TV

Most of my close friends will know that I seldom watch TV.

When I was in the army, there was a TV in my bunk, but most of the time it was utilised by my bunk mates to play Play Station - hence no tv for me.

When i moved to NUS, I did not bring along any TV set with me. Neither did i visit the TV lounge nor bother to click on the NUSCAST to watch the TV programs - hence no tv still.

The introduction of TV mobile on SBS buses does not help either as I seldom travel on SBS buses. But this evening, I got this opportunity of travelling on a public bus with TV mobile, showing the Cancer Charity show. During that show time, it was veteran taiwanese singer Chen Sheng, singing his famous song ' One Night In Beijing'.

This reminded me of the time when I first heard this song which was 12 years ago. I used to have a small radio set placed at my study desk, passed down by my late maternal grandfather. Everyday, I would listen to FM93.3 without fail and hence, I got to know every single new song that was brought into the chinese pop industry. When I was away to Beijing for 3 weeks, I got a temporary 'cut off' from the chinese pop... and the very first song I heard on the radio in my room right after my Beijing trip was none other than "One Night In Being". I was still very "Beijing-minded" then that this song came at the right timing to touch my heart.

I feel that Chen Sheng sang the song superbly well jus now. The feelings were 100% there.... Yeah, I always judge a singer's capability by his/her live performances and not on CDs. Thats why i feel jolin tsai cnmi. And the compere of the show tonite, Tang Na, is herself an excellent singer too!

Happy 21st Birthday to Sumantri aka didi!!!

My Life is Degrading

Children's Day is over, so riki how u celebrate your day?

The offer by MOE is going to expire 3 days later, and I still havent officially rejected or accepted them yet. Although I will be able to by-pass the sch assessment period and enter NIE directly, I am still not very ready to go into the teaching line. Some told me that I will be condemed and blacklisted if I reject MOE again (yeah this is the 2nd time since 7 yrs ago), but I just couldnt care for now.

I am a very greedy person, as I am now tempted to get myself an overseas job. It seems that majority from my batch is leaving singapore for overseas job appointments. The early birds have kinda lose out in this aspect, as the 'late-comers' seem to get aplenty of overseas job opportunities which came pretty much later after we graduated - to USA, Japan, Germany etc.

I must have mentioned so many times in my blog that I am so used to staying 'outside' form home that I really wish I am not at home. Perhaps getting an overseas job is just an escapism for me from home. But going overseas is definitely a good thing, with invaluable experiences to gain and great exposure. Take care my friends!

I wrote an email to my manager last evening tell him all my displeasures at work. He replied me with an email, and also SMSed me about it. He gave me lots of encouragements and assure me that I am doing a good job. But then.... thats not what I needed right now. I told him the fact tat I wudnt wanna see myself taking up his role five yrs down the road, as thats not wat i wanted. His face turned a bit ugly, but I have to speak the truth. I also told him that I am too green and junior in this industry to hold up such a senior post. Its so hard to strike a balance between 'respecting the snr workers' and 'exercising my rightful authority' to get them to do work.

Like wat i told bean over msn right now, I still I have been living a degraded life, wasting my time for the past 4 months, working just for money. Life has never been so dull and meaningless during my days in sec sch, jc, army and needless to mention, NUS.

A taxi driver told me: Without us paying the company our taxi rentals... where u all get ur salary and jobs!?! So u all are relying on us and u shld serve us well!

I told him back: Well, without my ppl servicing your taxi and maintaining it, you cant even go out to pick passengers and earn a living! DUH!

= The inter-dependant relationship of human beings =

Happy Children's Day!!!

Love & Clique

Its just a few days late (in Oct) that they will be getting their key to their new flat, but they declare a split :s - End of Story - My family luck?

I have seen so many victims of love around me. I have witnessed how love can send a person up the heaven, and crush them down mercilessly. Even though I have not really fallen deeply in love or hurt by it this life, I can kinda guess or imagine how hurting and bleedingly painful a broken heart feels. Perhaps I have gotten the experiences in my past life that I wudnt wanna have it again anymore.

Within my workplace, I can easily identify up to 5 to 6 pairs of MBA holders. What does MBA stands for? MBA = Married But Available. Even one my closest colleague admitted that he has slept with at least 3 female colleagues in my company, waLAOayzzs.

On the brighter side, I feel its very important to form our own clique at the workplace. With a strength of almost 300 ppl at my workplace, almost everyone is a taiji master. Their non cooperative behaviour sometimes make me wanna puke blood. Fortunately with my clique around, at least I have someone to complain to, joke around with, and have meals together. We give one another the moral support that we seriously need in the vicious working environment - No Man Is An Island -

O! My Home!

I feel I have a lot to share tonight, but I wouldnt wanna make my blog into a target board of complaints. Neither do I want to confuse my friends with what I wrote nor I wanna give them a misconception that I am just trying to AA. Well, I shall follow my heart.

I did not plan to visit NUS this evening for the mid autumn festival celebration. However, a msg from chin lee changed my mind. She thought I could help by 'interacting' with any new-comers that come tonight.

Yeps, there are a few very strong reasons why i still wanna attend NUSBS functions. A very obvious reason is to help out with my juniors/friends/brothers, supporting them in whatever I can. The next very strong reason is to interact with the new ppl and bring them closer to the society, and subsqly buddhism. I feel a greate sense of acheivement and find it very meaningful to provide a channel for these new ppl to know more abt the Dharma, even though I know my own limits.

On the contrary, I am not there to seek for a sense of belonging. I still pretty much prefer an individualistic lifestyle. A life with as little attachment as possible, including detachment from my own family or to anyone or any group.

Once again this evening, I get to interact with a new guy, who seemed quite interested in striking a conversation with me - Nothing much abt the Dharma though. And I reflected by taking a look at those ppl who were present this evening. I could vividly recall the different occasions which I got to interact with each and everyone of them when they were new-comers to the society. From David as a freshmen at matric fair 2001, to nale and nolittleway at PKS Dharma camp 2001, pearlyn as a freshman at FOC 2002 to OWY (Sentosa) & Zea (MRT) at Camp Voyage 2003 to new kids like Isen and Cindy at YIH Welcome Tea 2004.

The sad thing is that while I am willing to spend much time on my friends, I found myself spending too little time at home. Perhaps its really an escapism from home, or I am too used to staying alone outside. The worse thing is that my family is now pretty messy, and as a buddhist, I thought I shld be doing something to help my family.... but I have chosen to ignore and escape. My parents need my listening ears most, but I really feel sick listening to their incessant complaints abt life and each other.

I know I can do something, but i do not have the motivation and zest to do it. And i dun think i am doing it, as there is a risk I may break down myself too. Well well........

Ugly world, still....

Throughout my uni life, I always thought that I have been very truthful (or you can say sincere & direct) to my friends, be it positive or negative comments I made to them. Now at work, I cant do the same and my everyday life is full of lies, wearing of diff masks and leading a rather insincere and pretentious life.

Even when talking to my juniors I have to be extremely sensitive, cautious and careful, for fear of hurting them. Thats not me and I dun like the way I am behaving now.

Back at home, I need to pretend to be cool, rational and un-emotional.

Its an ugly world, and I hate it.

Even the clown will break down one day....

Over estimation

I am feeling extremely tired, for I have over-estimated by own stamina. Today, I slept from 2 plus straight after work all the way till evening time. I seldom take naps as I thought it slows my brain functionality. Today was an exception, i am getting old.

I almost forget the fact that I am holding a full time job. Having to wake up at 6 plus and reporting for work/course every morn, I continued my evenings after 530pm involving in some other activities. While the ppl around me were just as tired, I just realised the fact that I have been the last to reach home almost every night, to bathe, sleep and rest, and then to wake up earlier than them for the next day.

Definitely not trying to gain some recognitions, sympathy or credits, cos those were never my objectives for my actions done. But not so nice a feeling when ppl start to have misgivings abt your actions. I know I shldnt really be bothered how ppl view me or say abt me, but it serves as a disincentive to continue what I have aimed and planned to do, for the good of the community.

Like what Dr Kenneth Tan and Bhante Dhamaratana said last evening, many ppl are unwilling to give up their time for others. To me, i feel the "heart" is not fully there. When I really wanna do something, I will put my heart all out to do it, and not simply do it for the sake of doing it, not becos others want me or expect me to do it etc. Working alone and be responsible ONLY TO MYSELF is definitely different from working in a grp and being responsible to everyone in the grp. Many still cant get this fact right.

During my sch days, when i was feeling down, I can simply shut myself away from the rest of the world - go for an afternoon swim, evening jog, dun talk to anybody or hide myself in the hostel. But now i cant do the same in working life. I need to wear a mask at work everyday. No matter how tired or down i may feel, i still need to appear a smiley face in front of my clients, guests, bosses, workers and colleagues. I can no longer do whatever i like freely....

Well well..... the bottomline is - we must know how to take care of ourselves before we want to take care of others :D I have kinda overestimated myself a little this time.

Ugly Human Beings

I am Ugly

I am feeling rather shameful for neglecting one of my friend's feelings. I dun mean that he needs my attention badly, but I was told he enjoys my company. Unfortunately, I havent been sensitive enough to him, and I (and we) did not realise he has been quite affected and upset over an incident.

I thought I have played my role as a senior rather lousily. I have been sub-conciously being selective over who to help. Thats the ugly me, playing double standards and neglecting the feelings of other sentient beings around me.


He is Ugly

He is really ugly. He is supposed to take charge of a major task but ended up his friends were doing it. To make things worse, he pushed the blame to his friends for not giving him feedbacks on the problems/difficulties they have faced.

"Why shld i be the one asking you for the updates? You shld be the one reporting to me on the updates instead!" Thats not a very healthy mentality. I have no choice but to whack this person upside down without giving him any face.

We are all ugly.

Dun wish to say....

Once again, I have a lot of things in my mind which I thought I can 'report' in my blog, but I just dun have that much energy to blog them down.

Today, I went to ITE to attend a trainer course. The course was damm boring, so dry and monotonous. However, the ppl i met there were very nice and friendly. Among them were 3 from nursing profession , out of which 1 is a director of a nursing home. The others comprise ppl from airplane industry, chemical industry and even a 22 yr old hairstylist. Indeed a nice and interesting combi of ppl... but still, we all share the same sentiments that the facilitator was boring. Well, 3 more days to go....

The evening time was more lighted for me, as I joined the 26th MC in doing a simple dry run and mock set up for the exhibition. Hopefully they can rest well after buysing with BAW, and have a nice, meaningful and fruitful semester :D On top of the cultivational merits some of them have acheived through meditatation or other cultivations, the service merits they have accumulated thru their hard work for BAW are invaluable!

Oh yes Anananananda, I get to interact with several of the NTUBS xiaomeimeis during Camp Sadhu. They are pretty fun and cute wat... why u need to come all the way to NUSBS to get your own xiaomei? Anyway, I guess that my ties with the tertiary buddhist societies leaders do not seem to end any time soon.... I know i am getting old, but i am not at all bothered abt getting too attached to the student buddhist society or watsover, jus enjoy while you still can.

As what vincent lim said: Have you ever wondered why we are born in Singapore and not other countries? Do you see any purpose that we are born bilingual this life? Yes I get what he is trying to mean... dun waste what we are equipped with this life, make full use of our potential to help in propagating the Dharma.

Too many things to say.....

This evening, I have too much stuffs in mind that I wish to express, yet I am asking myself if I need to share them out.

Firstly, I wish to inform my friends that I have been offered 'Permanent Teaching' by MOE. I am glad that I wasnt offered 'Contract Teaching' instead. The monthly pay is about the same as my current pay, but definitely much less bonus. Well, I shall take sometime to consider about it.

Secondly, its a small reflection I did after attending Camp Sadhu. Although I was made the IC of one of the main events, but I felt I didnt do too good a job. Initially, I could recognise my own effort but because it was done without much passion and interest, I began to slack. Fortunately, Shiongwei was around to helpe and with most of us having past experiences in organising camps and such, the camp was done rather stress-free even when we were just given about 1 week to prepare.

The most impressive part of the camp must be the moment when the judges gave comments during the Case Study Session. I see most of them speak with the greatest sincerity, not jus mere quoting of teachings or some cliche statements, but with their personal experiences. I am particularly impressed by Juliana (ex P of SPBS) and our very own 20th MC NUSBS ex president Kenneth Tan.

Some impressive quotes:

"Never try to convert or change others, but keep your doors open when sharing the Dharma".

"You can use whatever energy you have now running the MC, but pls save some for the final lap of your journey"

Of cos these were just 2 of the many wonderful experiences they have shared which I found very relevant and sincere.

Thirdly, I wish to compliment my smallbro zea for the painstaking efforts he has put in lately for NUSBS. Besides taking the great challenge of running the P post, I see the great commmitment and seriousness he has put in for the coming BAW. I guess what he needs most is support from everyone. Hopefully everyone esp the ex-MC and current active members of NUSBS, can give him their fullest support. Lets hope for a great success in the coming BAW!

Finally, I would like to wish my friend Jane - May you be well and happy!

Camp Sadhu Flash

A flash taken a Camp Sadhu - 3 kichis of NTUBS

Karma Ghost

Last evening, I was at Sohan's pgp room watching "Karma Ghost", a flash clip introduced by smallbro ong. I am nv a huge fans of animations or cartoons, but this clip is really interesting and caught me captivated. I shall not reveal too much and let you watch it by yourself. OWY, u may like to provide the URL in my comment box to let them enjoy it.

Lately, I get to confront closely with this fact, that there are indeed several things which are very beneficial for us to do and follow, and yet we arent doing them. Similarly, there are many things which we shldnt do, and yet we still do them. But dun get me wrong, I am not refering to something general, like: "I know I shld meditate and keep the five precepts well but how come i am not doing them." Its something slightly more specific and subtle...

Last saturday evening during my CMC sitting, I was once again expecting myself to see the 'nimitta'. I was hoping to see some bright lights and also kept recalling some images which I have seen before. Perhaps sub-conciously, I was setting a benchmark for myself - 1)If i am able to see those images again, it means tat i have neither improved nor deproved. 2)If i am unable tosee those images, it means I have deproved. 3)If i am able to see even more images, it means I have improved!

All the while for samatha meditation, we have been told to focus diligently on our breaths, and not the nimitta (at least so not when our concentration is still weak). In other words, working & training on mindfuless and concentration are most important to us, not the nimitta yet. That evening, I deeply reflected on this fact, and immediately dropped off my habouring thoughts for nimitta. I thought: Its time to get smart and work on whats best for myself, so stop wasting time on something unneccesary. I had a pretty meaningful meditation session.

Also, I get to appreciate slightly more on the essence of buddhism on 'no self'. Its often the idea of 'self' that made us suffer, be it when ppl complain abt: Nobody cares for me, Nobody understands me, Others are not being fair to me, I am losing out to others, Why are ppl better than me? Why I fail to get this and that? ..... As the list of 'me' and 'I' gets longer, our sufferings grow larger and more intensive.

If we choose to walk the bodhisattva path, our focus and aim in life shld be helping all sentient beings. So does it still matter whether its Me, You, Him or Her?

Army Open House 2004

Today, I spent the almost entire of my day at the Army Open House 2004 with sumantri (didi). I have always been wanting to visit the AOH for the past few yrs but the conditions were nv ready. Finally I made my way there today.

Indeed, I wasnt surprised NOT to find many guys of my age grp at the AOH, as most of them shld probably be so sick with the army. Perhaps, some may harbour hatreds and resentments for it. Ya! i am the funny weirdo exception who doesn really hate the army that much.

Most of the stuffs i did wth sumantri today were not new to me, be it mounting and travelling on the Bionix Armoured Fighting Vehicle round the training area, firing the SAR21s with live rounds, doing the Standard Obstacle Course (SOC)etc. In fact, I felt a bit malu of 'cheating' them with the souvenirs as I had no problem crossing those SOC stations (I have done them in my army days). And I supposed most of the marshallers could guess tat and tats why they saw me also sian and they din really bother to demonstrate to us on how on how to cross the obstacles. Hmm.. i always thot i dun look very much like a singaporean? Poor sumantri had to cross those obstacles with the marshallers assuming he has done NS before.

Frankly speaking, most of what we did today (SOC, live-firing, mounting on Bionix) were much dreaded by most army guys, and even by myself during my army days. But the feelings of doing them today were much different from the past, with less pressure of cos. Today was probably the first time I walked into the live firing range and jumped into the fox hole feeling so chirpy, haha. In the past, either i was screwed by my instructors or I was the one screwing my men during the ranges.

I feel that one mini success i have achieved is my ability to psycho myself to view and convert negative things to positive ones. Army may be dreadful to many guys including myself, but I dun really hate it as much as most guys do. In fact, I got to appreciate the trainings and hardship days tat I ve been through months before I ORDed. I did a reflection then on how much I have grown, gained confidence and progressed in life. Thats probably why I nv had that repulsive a feeling towards the army compared to most other guys.





Jane, I din really like dogs, but purposely took this pic to make u feel jealous, akakaka...

Talk Too Much

Nale was asking me to consider contributing to the B-digest she will be preparing. Well, I know where I stand when it comes to writing serious articles, haha, but nvtheless, I will try to practise writing more on my self reflections in my blog (which i havent done so for so long), rather then shallow & meaningless reports on my daily encounters (which i have been doing much lately).

This evening, I attended the last session of the CMC evening meditation at Qing Liang Jing She. I even stayed on for the Dharma discussion, something which i havent done so for a very long too. The reason why I always leave immediately after the meditation session is because I did not enjoy the Dharma 'sharing' sessions.

Well, I have to admit that my own perceptions and reactions do play a significant part in contributing towards my negative attitude towards Dharma sharing sessions. While there are times that I feel very motivated and enjoyed the sharings by ppl, i found out that most of the time ppl were jus trying to voice out whatever they know, to a certain extent trying to show off. However, most of them still meant well and speak with very good intentions, jus that their eagerness to instil their thoughts and ideas to the rest often did not make the sharing sessions beneficial to them eventually.

Just now, the discussion topic was coincidentally on 'Approaching Death' too. The main issue discuss is about how can we let go of our attachments (family esp) and enter the bhikkuhood.

1) Guy A commented that if he were given a choice to look after his mum or go for ordination, he wud rather choose the former, for its his duty to take care of his mum.

2) Guy B kinda 'corrected' him by saying that we have not much time left to waste. He felt that we often claim that we feel guilty abt not taking care of our parents, but how come we wun feel the same if we know we have contracted a terminal disease any is dying soon? He felt tat its more of ourselves refusing to let go, and not becos our parents refuse to let us go.

I personally feel that such discussions were retundant. I dun find the sharing beneficial in anyway. And most imptly, these ppl most probably wun gain anything from the discussion after leaving the session too. Perhaps I have been talking too much in the past, often dominating the Dharma circles when i was in yr1-3 era, that now I feel ashamed and guilty of what i have done after some reflections.

Sometimes, there isnt really a need to open up my mouth. Before i speak, I shld ask myself: Is the sound I am intending to produce soon gonna be better off than the silence we are having now?

PS: it excludes writing this blog, hahaha

Circling the Dharma

Yesterday, I made a last minute decision to rush down to NUS for the Dharma circle, and fortunately i did.

I got this chance to meet up with one of our senior, Hwee Shan (who is probably 10 yrs my snr). Initially, her background didnt seem to impress me at all. Moreover, i am those typical ego kind of guy who tend to look down on ppl, and not easily convinced or impressed by others.

But after a sharing session with her of about 2.5hrs, I was deeply amazed and impressed by the compassion and positive energy she exudes. I guess she has become the idol of many of us overnight. Its indeed our collective karma to be able to meet up with her last evening. 'She is a bodhisattva' - as quoted from Gabriel Kalden.

During the first hour or so, the room was filled with much positive energy - a contribution from everybody's joyous mood + of cos the presence of Hwee Shan. Its definitely not a pyschological effect from myself as I din come with a very joyous and light-hearted mood. This positive feeling was felt gradually as the session proceeded.

Unfortunately, the session was somehow upset by a few mundane arguements on certain issues, which both nale and i felt was certainly unnecessary. While its good to clarify issues and raise questions, I felt there was this tendancy for ppl to correct others or forcely voice out what they know, be it from their own readings or whatever. The worse part was that the new guy was not even given a chance to finish his story on the turtle before he was 'corrected'. Those who din know the story will be hang puzzling in the air - what r u guys talking about!?

I believe many who were present last nite did have their own views and understandings of the analogy, just that they din see the need to voice out or argue. Afterall, the essence of the teaching is to practise the Dharma well and treasure human life.

On the other hand, I felt hwee shan was wonderful. Without rushing to voice out her views, the way she handled and reacted to someone 'correcting' her words was even more impressive. And wat touches me most was that most of what she shared with us last night were either her own or her friend's experiences, nothing much quoted from books or sutras.

Those who have met Ven Chun Hui (a NUS-grad theravadan nun) will find her a very compassionate nun. Ven Chun Hui told us 2 yrs ago that she didnt wanna join NUSBS initially, but merely wish to offer her friend (Librarian of nusbs) a helping hand, and thus, joined her as a sub-commer. And the librarian she mentioned is none other than Hwee Shan. And their president then actually conduct their own sessions on 'Cheng Fo Zhi Dao' Well. Well.... if only I was a student in their era.

Juggling

My msn is now busy flashing, with countless of messages sent over at almost every split seconds by 11 nusbs jnrs in a combined msn chat. I cant exactly follow what they are chatting about, but I hardly see them getting so excited. Perhaps the presence of some pretty gal(s) really helps? Kekekeke.... dun try too hard to impress ppl lahz.



Tonite is the third consecutive evening I have stayed out late to meet ppl up for the STIBS camp plannings. I remembered we used to spend up to 6mths to 1 yr to plan for a camp (nusbs FOC) in the past, but we are now only given 10++ days to start something from scratch. Its indeed a challenge, but having work with lotsa veterans, I am confident the camp will turn out well.

Its indeed my pleasure to be able to work with NTUBS ex presidents Liangshing and Justin, plus also our own nusbs ex Dharma Director Shiongwei on certain parts of the camp. Its my first time working with them on Dharma work.

Its indeed quite tough for a working class to juggle between work and doing the voluntary Dharma work. As a working class, we only have limited after-working-hours to work things out. More often than not, we were very tired after work. But stress and pressure given by both sides can sometimes be enjoyable, really, and that makes our life meaningful, isnt it?

The Sadhu Team

I am still wondering how the term "Sadhu Team" could so effectively send icy spasms down Sumantri-didi's spine. He was mischeviously shivering up and down when I mentioned this term to him at his hall, haha.

Those who remained active in the buddhist student circle will not find the term "Sadhu Team" unfamiliar. Its part of the 'Combined Retreat' that will be conducted for the STIBS.

Frankly speaking, my very first reaction to this combine retreat was a very positive one. I thought its a very refreshing and new idea, definitely worth embracing and meaningful to the newbies. On the flop side, I feel that since the sch schedule is getting more hectic and busy towards the mid-semester, time priority shld be given to hold indiv TI MC retreats. The indiv MC retreat is the best time for the newbies to bond together as a comm, and probably the ONLY time the ex-MC can spend time effectively with their successors to share with them their experiences and history fo the society.

Nevertheless, credits shld be given to the organisers for their painstaking effort and wonderful ideas. Its definitely not easy for them to organise such events. So i'll still be supportive of the camp despite having misgivings abt the timing of the camp. SADHU to the all the Dharma workers!

Another grp of ppl have also earned my respect - the NUSBS Alumni (i say this not becos i am part of it now, ok?). Despite receiving very weak supports from even those formerly very 'on' & active nusbs members, the few of them persisted, in aim to take care of those freshly graduated BS members. I am too new in it so I cant comment much on their visions and plannings, but surely i am very impressed by their hearts & efforts.

Together, we form the Sadhu Team, haha - i feel i belong more to the Mara team though.

Let Go Let Go!

I am extremely tempted. Note that i have used the word 'extremely', not just 'very' or 'quite', to shave my head like them. But my boss was already very displeased when I dyed my hair a few weeks ago, and I dun want him to hit the roof again seeing me totally bald. Afterall, I need to face a large number of workers + customers everyday, so i cant do anything funny.

I admire all of my friends who have shaved their heads, not becos of their heart and effort to support any particular organisation or bodies, but their willingness to let go of their looks. More credits shld be given to the gals, probably a million times more, as most gals shld be very concerned with their looks. I think these gals are wonderful. Its indeed a good form of cultivation to practise how to 'Let Go'.

Believe it or not, I always love to dress myself up to make myself feel good, not so much of wanting to 'show off' or impress others. As i always believe that no matter how good or good looking u r, u r not going to impress ppl much but more likely going to incur the jealousy + dislike from others. So there is really no pt to dress up to impress others, but dress up jus to make yourself look good and confident. So there explain my ear ring, golden hair and bright clothes... I have them becos I feel good, not becos i think i look good in them, haha.

And i am sure I am gonna feel extremely good if i were to shave my head now... but too bad, i cant do that for the time being.

Oh yes, dun u think Katrine look like a very blissful junior nun?

Lobha, Dosa & Moha

I am supposed to attend an ultra short 2-day retreat this weekend. To my own disgust, I further reduced it by reporting to the retreat late and left early.

大概是自己的心力不充足， 缺乏耐心和自信心， 于是便无法继续地用功下去.

静坐的时间虽然过得非常得快，不到一会儿一个半钟的时间就过去了，根本没花上什么功夫去挣扎。 但谁又不晓得作'白日梦'的时间是过得最快的, 哈哈! 脑袋里一直不停地胡思乱想, 正犹如师傅昨晚所说的:浪费时间.

说到浪费时间, 我必然觉得惭愧万端. 确实对自己四年来的修行表现和学佛态度感到不满与失望. 始终觉得自己的修行程度太过'落后'了, 再加上师傅提醒自己一直在浪费时间, 这让我不禁地感到有些忐忑不安.

有些东西知道自己应该去做,但却无法推动自己开始或继续去做下去... 哎....

接到消息国大佛教校友会需要我的帮忙. 说真的, 自己不是非常乐意地加入他们的委员, 但还是答应了. 现在叫我对举办或参与一些康乐和社交活动, 我真的没有兴趣. 只想好好照顾自己的身心和修行, 偶尔协办些禅修营等活动, 那也不错. 但再难的工作始终需要有人得去接任和包办... 我在此对这些挺身而出的氏兄弟姐妹们感到万分敬佩!

Well Done Everybody!

I am still thinking of a suitable title for this entry as I am typing now. I dun wish to just congratulate the newly elected MC, but also wish to applaud for the courage and heart put in by all other candidates who were not voted in. Sincerely speaking, I feel they were very sporting and supportive, as they stayed throughout the AGM this evening.

I guess the fact that we are all practising Buddhism helps, as we all know the Dharma propagation work is not just restricted to holding a title or a post in a community, but rather, having the heart, zest and motivation to contribute to the community. It can be done in many ways, definitely not jus being in the MC.

Starring in the first pic are my smallbros - President & Dy Projects Director
Starring in the second pic is adik Wilsanto Joniiii - Dharma Director
Starring in the third pic is my smallsis Chin Lee - Welfare Director
Starring in the fourth pic is Arahat Alex - ex-VP of NUSBS

May the Dharma be with You! Sadhu!

Good Luck Juniors!

This evening shall be NUSBS 26th Annual General Meeting. It seems amazingly fast to me upon realising that I have already witnessed 4 NUSBS AGMs - was an election candidate myself twice.

It really seem like just few weeks ago, a newly known friend even came to my hostel at Ext A to get prepared for AGM. Wearing a maroon shirt, he took out a disposable shaver to rid off the excess bits off his chin. And the cuckoo had his lumininous yellow round sticker pasted on his shirt throughout the AGM.

"Well, I think the fellowship is good... but ..... overall there is a balance."

Haha good luck to him and all the other candidates for this evening's AGM. The fact that you made the very first step to run for the AGM is indeed applausible and worth our respect. The experience and skills may not be there, but the heart definitely is. Sadhu!

Congratulations Teddy & Riki (carlon-no-more) !!!!

Non Meaningful Post

Here I am again with my car business. The above are the 2 current members of my car family. I cant imagine within a short 30 month period, my family actually witness an in-out-in-out-in-out of 6 cars in total.

In early 2003, my family was still holding to a Nissan March and a Merc Benz. Sad to say, we couldnt afford the petrol-gulping merc and have to sell it after holding it for 8 yrs. My bro found the March too small, and he sold it away too.

We bought 2 korean cars - a Sonata and a Kia Rio, in exchange of the 2 cars. The sonata was even bigger than the prev Merc, but the 'feeling' was incomparable to the former. The Kia Rio seemed more like a toy car to me. Although suffering from a serious downgrade from a merc to a korean car, my dad still had problems paying the Sonata (cos its running on petrol!) and decided to early scrape it. My brother decided to upgrade once again.

We are now holding on to an Altis and Peugeot Partner. It jus occured to me that my family seems to be changing cars like changing clothes. Perhaps its in the blood, my dad, my bro and me myself all love automobiles a lot. But $$$$$... hahaha, we r jus empty shells.



2 evenings ago, I went back to NUS for an evening jog, while LHL was having his national day rally speech at UCC. I happened to walk past the engine canteen stalls while leaving Mac to the carpark, and decided to take a snap shot of my fave engin stall - Western Food. The malay food stall used to be my fave but ever since the vendor changed, the food sux. Oh yes, i found out all the 'good and solid' stalls at Arts canteen have been replaced by new stalls. .. why they dun keep the good ones huh? The wanton noodle stall was gone, my fave cheechungfun stall was gone... and the lousy malay food stall, fish ball noodle stall. . remain .. sighz.

Haha too much complains liao.... i am getting drained out, have no motivation to write meaningful stuffs, so pls bear with me.

Above Full Moon

Last evening, went out with birdtan, teddy and boss'-watching-songgechan to the esplanade to watch "Above Full Moon" - the Musical. As I am no longer a student, I wasa not entitled the $3 discount. :(

The performers of the show were great, as almost all of them could act + sing extremely well. Above Full Moon protrays the life of Master Hong Yi, a lengendary figure in modern history of chinese arts, culture and religion. The entire story was about his passion for art, and eventually the letting go of this passion and his family in search for his spiritual life.

Heard from birdtan that the organisers of this play is the same as the one i watched 4 yrs ago - Sidhharta - The Musical. I was a freshman then with BS Dajie hardselling the tickets for the show.

Inevitably, I tend to compare the 2 musicals, and I couldnt help but feel the latter paled much in comparison with the former. Firstly, the life story of the Buddha, to many (including myself), would be much more signficant and meaningful than the life of Master Hongyi. Secondly, the crew strength for Moon was probably only a fraction of the former, and hence, less grand and magnificent. The dances, music, songs and backdrops seemed to be less captivating this time. I remembered I was most impressed by the super efficient and fast transition of the backdrop then, but last nite, there seemed to be much commotions and delays in the changing of the backdrop.

Towards the end of the play, 'Master Hongyi' was reflecting on his life, the diff stages he had gone through and ppl he had met in his life over the past decades. Perhaps the play was only 2-hr, tats probably I couldnt feel 'much' abt the reflections he made, on how everything in life appears and disappears again like specks of dust in the air.

Nevertheless, I felt that the crew had staged up a wonderful performance, still much better than most of the other plays I have watched (will nv forget the rather horrible play staged up at UCC 2 yrs ago, on the life of the buddha). I was reading on some online advertisements.posters of the play, and was surprised that the make-up image of Master Hongyi I saw last night seemed very different from the one featured in the posters (as in the play in malaysia). Could they have tou kong jian liao after coming to singapore??? well...

Anyway, the spending of $30++ on this rather big-scale musical play is definitely worth it, especially when its done by a Buddhist Musical play group held in the grandest durian shell of singapore. What more can i ask?

Black Carnival

This morning, I was driving along tampines road when I spotted a black 'Carnival' in front of me. Within split seconds, I whipped out my camera phone to take some pictures of it, at the risk of getting my license suspended.

I still find the beige Carnival better looking than this black one. Anyway, I find all MPVs appealing except for Nissan Paerrie. I think the design sux big time.

Just returned back from a Buddhist musical play at the esplanade. No comment on the play at the moment, waiting for birdtan and his photos :D

Teacher or Engineer???

Yesterday, I took half day leave and went to Ministry of Education for teaching interview. Upon reaching MOE, I called and met up my god sister who took up PSC scholarship more than 10 yrs ago, and is now posted to HQ MOE for planning work after 2 yrs of teaching at TJC. A colleague of hers who was also a PSC scholar accompanied her to meet me. Together, they shared with me tips on the interview.

I was feeling rather paiseh as the 2 of them accompanied me throughout my wait outside the interview room. They kept telling me what to and what NOT to say, and I hope this did not demoralise the other nearby interviewees, who looked extremely nervously and tensed up. Probably this was their first interview.

As I feel the passion of teaching in me, I did not have much difficulty preparing myself for the interview. Its more of a dilemma whether I shld plunge into teaching so early, or give myself more time in the engineering field. But ultimately, I know it will be teaching/faciliating job that will give me a sense of fufilment and meaning in life. Its from my personal experience and reflections that my most meaningful and happy moments of life were those time when I got the chance to guide, facilitate and teach ppl. However, thats provided I must possess the knowledge or skills. But I feel I am pretty much an empty shell now.

I was contemplating whether I shld 'lie' and hard-sell myself that I will be a good teacher, or tell them the truth on how I feel and my passion. Afterall, we can lie to ourselves and others for once but not for life. However, the second option may just jeopardise my chance of getting the job.

To my disappointment, the interview turned out to be super simple and easy. They only asked very basic, standard and straight forward questions, in which I provided them with very standard and cliche answers too. There was no chance to impress them nor the need to lie and hard sell myself. It was more like the typical MOE system of asking the students what they ought or expected to know, rather than testing on their integrity, real interest and passion. They asked me " what are the qualities u think a teacher shld have, and what are those you have?" "what do you hope to see yourself as in 5-8 yrs' time?" The interview style is totally different from those you can find from the engineering firm, which really dig deep into your personal interest, passion and analytical skills.

Nevertheless, the interviwers at MOE were very nice and friendly. However, the admin lady was kinda rude as she reprimanded me for not bringing my original birth cert. I told her that birthcert is too important a document to bring around and I refused to bring it out. She could do nothing to me except giving me a black face, haha...and who cares?

Anyway, today my boss told me that he would be sending me for a series of courses, to be trained up as an ITE teacher. This is because my company does conduct regular NTC1/2/3 and ITE courses for students (mostly the company's junior workers). My boss hopes that I can be one of the teachers/trainers and this will not only improve my technical skills, but also allow me to earn extra income. The pay rate is $32/hr, 3hrs/week. Wooohooooo!!! Morever after the course, I would be a qualified ITE teacher.

So what more can I ask? Its like having the best of both worlds, that I can teach at the same time keep my job. I think I am really very lucky, provided my boss keeps his words.

Commencent Pic Again

How you find new car/

Introducing my new car, 'Carnival'. Finally i get the taste of my dream car... its so fat and nice, i love it!

Ricetable didi

I am wondering if the title of this entry is gonna once again, raise another excitment out of Teddy. He seems to be still fascinated with the Mozzarella business....

Well, have promised to treat Sumantri to a big meal after I get my first pay check. It has been overdued for almost 4 months. However, I learnt from my fellow colleagues that such scenario is pretty common. The first pay treat is often delayed up to a few months.

We made our way to the Ricetable at Suntec. The default set meal comprised 20 small dishes of a great variety of Indonesian food. Initially, I thought we couldnt finish them all (see the pic), but we ended up ordering additional 10 repeated dishes. I have to keep myself at max 90% full, so that my enjoyment of food would not turn into a self-torture. (Remembering Ven Robina's story on delicious-chocolate-cake-turned-disgusting)

The food was very delicious, nice ambience, interesting layout and innovative concepts. The individual dishes may not be very expensive food, but its definitely impossible for us to cook such a great variety at home. So the money is worth spending.



Sent sumantri back to NTU after the dinner and used his laptop for MSN. Had a hard + fun time trying trick Riki carlon to come over to sumantri's room using 'donuts'. When he finally made his way over, it took him about 1 minute before he discovered I was standing at the corner of the room. He had wanted to 'play' sumantri on how come he knew abt the donuts, but din realise he himself was actually fooled by us. Must have shocked the hell out of this boy which sent all of us into uncontrollable laughters.

Anyway, its term time for both NTU and NUS. Study hard everyone! And for those who are working like akaaa... may u find pleasure in your new job. And to Jane.... I am still abit blur on how u feel abt ur new job.. fill me the details soon :D

Kitten & Altis

The first picture was a kitten that refused to 'leave' my Partner today. I was taking pics at the UCC today with some BS friends when I returned to my car to find a pair of legs dangling from underneath my car. Initially, I thought it was a pair of frog's legs, but later found out it belonged to a kitten.

The kitten had hid in a hollow space found underneath my car, next to the exhaust pipe and slightly behind the rear wheels. However, it was definitely free from 'crushing' as there was a metal partition separating it from the wheel. I tried to use a stick to gently poke the kitten out but it refused. In the end, I have to 'drive' with it from UCC all the way to PGP for our 2nd round of photo shoots. After abt 2hrs, the kitten was still hiding soundly underneath my car. Although its considered quite safe for it to hide in that space, the only fear I have was that it might suddenly jump down from my car to the road, and got run over by another car. So i had no choice but to 'force' it out.

Fortunately, I have many gentle and animal-loving gal friends with me. They tried to coax the kitten out but in van. The more we tried to touch it, the deeper it went further in the hole. Finally, it put down one of its legs, and my friend took the opportunity to pull it out. It struggled badly and refused to leave, but eventually it gave up. The kitten was shivering in fear and we decided to leave it in a drain, away from moving vehicle. Hopefully, the kitten is able to survive on its own. *I dun really fancy animals/pets*

Introducing a new member to my family of cars - a black Toyota Altis (seen in the pic) which my brother just bought. I took a spin round my neighbourhood. Although its only a 1.6litre car, its obviously very huge in size and very comfortable to sit in. But it lacks the power as compared with the prev cars my dad had. Still, I find this car pretty luxurious and solid.

I will be going for MOE/NIE interview in a few days' time. I am not prepared... how? Hahaha

Right Thought - never abandon our gardens to the wild

Right Thought

Reality grows in the garden of the mind. Our world is the fruit of our thoughts that sprout from the seeds of ideas. We must therefore be discerning gardeners, looking carefully at what ideas we allow to take root within the mind. We must be able to recognize which ideas and thoughts are born of desire and which carry the seeds of desire that causes our suffering.

The seeds of suffering that take root within the mind are those of greed, ill-will, hostility, denigration, dominance, envy, jealousy, hypocrisy, fraud, obstinacy, presumption, conceit, arrogance, vanity and negligence. In Buddhism, these are known as the 15 defilements, and the Buddha realized 6 methods for removing such defilements from the mind:

1. Restraining:
Restrain from what pleases the senses but bears poison.

2. Using:
Use all that we are, all that we have, all there is to cultivate peace.

3. Tolerating:
Tolerate all adversity, and never abandon our gardens to the wild.

4. Avoiding:
Avoid all that is impure and spoils the soil of the mind. Tend only to what is pure and that which nurtures the pure.

5. Destroying:
Remove the defilements by destroying them from the root.

6. Developing:
Never cease to develop our skills of peacefulness.

2nd Noble Truth

Today, I decided to lock myself up in my office room for a 'silent retreat'. After some chantings, I proceed on to search for Dharma articles to read. And I put my focus on the 2nd noble truth, which comprises 3 types of desires/cravings, namely:

(1) Craving for sense-pleasure (感 官 享 受 的 渴 求)

(2) Craving for existence and becoming (生 存 的 渴 求)

(3) Craving for non-existence/getting rid of (不 再 生 存 的 渴 求)

These various cravings all lead to suffering and rebirth.

Weipin ever asked some venerables : There are so many articles out there for us to read, how do we select? The vens gave a v solid and power ans: There are 2 main types of buddhist articles. The first one is a written work by someone who wrote abt his/her own experiences and realisations. The 2nd one is by someone who merely consolidated, cut, copy and then paste what he agrees or feels strongly for, and then form up his 'own' article. The former and not the latter shld be embraced.

Similarly, I think its very important for us to experience the teachings and realise the truths ourselves (ehipassiko!), and not just merely get inspired or motivated by ppl's sharing of experiences. The former shld be able to support us for long in our self cultivation, while the latter may be jus temporal and fades away fast.

Anyway, I am guilty of the 2nd type of desire, the desire to 'become'. I almost forgot wat Ven Yuan Fan always taught us, on our weakness in always wanting to achieve something easy and fast.

I am in search of my next step to improve myself spiritually but systematically, anyone has any suggestions for me?

Perfect Understanding

Thanks Bean for the Perfect Understanding - she is full of wisdom, wow!

Anyway, its a situation which I have not been wanting to face all the while, at least not now. So certainly I cant face it for others too.... So I choose to escape - or perhaps the time has not ripen yet :D

Took this almost-out-dated pic from jadecraft (dun sue me for copyrights!)

I think my management sux! I have to handle 2 cases of disputes among my workers today, and I dun think I have fared well.

No mood to write further. Goodnite :D

Sym 'Pathetic' Joy

This morning, I took the lift down and walked towards my Partner feeling invigorated. Probably due to results of reading on mindfulness breathing followed up by a series of meditation done yday, I was glad that I was mindful on my breaths. Started the engine and turned on my sound system - playing Prajanparamitta, and there I drove off to work peacefully.

Everything went on well and I was already approaching the last traffic junction before reaching my workplace. As I was making a sharp left turn at the junction, a bicycle suddenly appeared from the left corner of my eye trying to cross the road. It was too abrupt for me to apply on my brakes but fortunately he did. From the backview mirror, I could see him cursing and swearing at me. I wouldnt say who was at fault, for its both green light for me and green man for him.

But I always thot cyclists should not behave and regard themselves like normal pedestrains when crossing the traffic light junctions. They are too fast moving and shldnt expect car drivers to halt in time for them, if they were to suddenly dash out onto the road. This incident kinda disturbed my peacefulness significantly. My morning became very heavy and unhappy. I knew I wudnt put this matter at heart for long, as it merely served as the key in opening up the door of disatisfaction and unpleasantness in me. Reason: I seriously lack practice.

Last evening, I also realised the importance of having mudita - sympathetic joy. I found that even within our circle of buddhist/spiritual friends, jealousy is still prevalent. Sometimes, when we see our friends in a better state or having better conditions & achievements than ourselves, we will tend to do/say things to bring them down, just to make ourselves feel better? I know some of you are not like that, but I am guilty of it sometimes, and I am very sure some of my friends around me ought to feel guilty of it too.

"When our friends found a better job than us, with higher pay and better job prospect, we shouldnt say things to shoot them or their jobs down out of our own jealousy."

"When we see our friends making efforts to acheive something which have not done so before, we shld applause for their courage and determination, and not discourage them from proceeding or gloat over whatever losses/sacrifices they may/have incurred."

Indeed, the mind can be easily poisoned. May I practice well, and may my spiritual friends constantly remind of the Dharma, and guide me along the way.

2nd Precept & Concentration

This morning, my dad asked me to search for him some chinese folk songs on the net which he needs for some performances. Easily, I found a website that provide me the mp3 files with all the songs he requested.

Itchy fingers, I decided to search for some chinese pop songs. To my disgust/surprise/excitement, I have no difficulty finding them! Even songs from Jay Chou's latest album which is barely a week old can be found on the site! And well, I was so tempted to download them for my listening pleasure, but wat a minute.. isnt that breaking of 2nd precepts? Hmmm.....

After watching the movie Spring...Spring again, the scenes and images of the film kept flashing on my mind during my meditation sittig on saturday evening. What Sayalay said was very right. She always forbid us from watching movies/tv (except news) as it weakens your concentration and disturbs your meditation. Watching films and meditation are like walking towards 2 different destinations which are of exactly opposite directions.

I also recalled some advices from Ven Manko (Fo Guang Yuan). She said sometimes she would lock herself up in her room to meditate for the entire day. This is to help her gain back her mindfulness, sharpness and concentration as whenever she goes out to attend some functions, celebrations or visits, the trees, flowers, colours and countless images she captured on her mind will weaken her mindfulness.

Today is a very hot and sunny afternoon, and I feel bright and chirpy within. I should be going out for a hot afternoon meditation :D


And here are the pictures I took just now. SL is extremely quiet and peaceful. The construction site was inactive this afternoon, and probably I had too high expectation for my sitting jus now, it din turn out to be good, just so so :D Anyway, a nice recharge.

Place with Positive Energy

This afternoon, I went to look for Riki aka kiki at Tanah Merah - the adobe of Ven Vissudhachara. I did not get to meet Ven himself, but managed to read an interesting article on mindfulness meditation. Meditated there for a while and could feel the very strong positive energy over there. Its indeed a very nice and peaceful place, and very easy to get myself into concentration.

The location of this place is pretty near Wan Fo Lin, which is used to be my favourite hideout before Poh Ern Sih. I suddenly recall something interesting that a BS snr has told me years ago. A well-learnt and wise buddhist master has pointed out the location where Wan Fo Lin is situated, as the place with the 'most positive energy' in the entire Singapore. He supported his claim by the colour of the air/sky/clouds (or something along this line) above that piece of land. It was believed then that a bodhisattva existed in Wan Fo Lin, and she was none other than a very old and senior nun residing in the temple. I have prostrated to her personally few yrs ago and I must say she really looks different.

Now I am not surprised that the area around Wan Fo Lin must have shared the same type of Positive Energy. Well... wats most impt is our own cultivation, but that place is definitely a nice support to our practice :D

Spring again...

I went to watch the movie "Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter... and Spring" last evening. I entered the cinema with very high expectation but left pretty disappointed - And thats not because the film wasnt great. Rather, its because I was unable to grasp the esscence and morale of the story on spot.

Ever since I took up Film & History, I was taught how to view films from a different angle - not just for entertainment & enjoyment, not just plain watching but also 'reading' and interpreting of films. Of course, there are still many pretty meaningless blockbuster movies that only aim at making money, but surely there are a handful of them which the directors have used to deliver wonderful messages to the world. There is definitely much more to this film, like the using of 5 diff animals for each seasons, opening of the doors for each new season, instead of just retundant guessing of relationships between the characters.

This film speaks a universal story about the human spirit, moving from innocence, through love and evil, to enlightenment and finally rebirth. Its almost like a pastoral poem about the changing seasons and a meditation on the cycle of life. In a tranquil setting of a temple floating on a lake in the forest, surrounded by endless mountains that cut the monastery off from worldly concerns, an old monk teaches his young disciple the wisdom of Buddha over the many seasons of their lives.

Despite the cutting off from the worldly desires, the young monk could not escape from the sufferings in life. The innocent cruelty in him was revealed as the child monk tortured the animals, oblivious of the sufferings he would be exgravating on himself eventually. In the intensity and lushness of summer, the monk is now a young man, experiences the power of lust, a desire that ultimately led him to dark deeds.

With winter, the monk returned as a middle-aged man, who diligently cultivate himself both physically and spiritually. Sitting on top of the mountains, he overlooks at his own monastry floating atop the lake, reflecting on his life and the endless repeating cycle of the seasons. Probably its after experiencing a whole cycle of joy, lust, anger and sorrow should the importance of seeking inner peace is realised - and the vow of never wanna be trapped in the Samsara world again.

In fact, 'winter' seems to be the hardest part of the movie to interpret, but that also makes the film most meaningful. Nobody can be very sure what messages or meanings the director is try to send over though.

Overall, i think the director has successfully portrayed the joy, anger, sorrow and pleasure of our lives through four seasons and through the life of a monk who lives in a temple on a lake surrounded only by nature. Its not a simple film, but I believe its surely meaningful and interesting to buddhists.

I have to be Mindful

Today, I felt a sense of emptiness in me as my colleague has been away for a long leave. Almost everyday, she will visit me in my office which is situated very far away from hers (which is in another building). I have complained to her last time that I was very sian in my office as my room was very much isolated from the others. Thats probably why she made a point to drop by my office almost everyday for small chats.

Other than that, we would often communicate through MSN during office hrs on almost every issues under the sky. About 20% of the stuffs we communicated on the net are relevant work related stuffs, while the remaining comprises mainly complaints, gossips and outside stuffs.

I din realise her presence has become part of my working life until today. I have to admit that her absence has kinda created this 'missing' or 'emptiness' feeling in me today, even right now. I know whats coming up next and I hope I am not falling into any love trap again.

But interestingly enough, some of our colleauges have been making fun of her abt me, but so far none of them dared to try it on me. The reception gals situated directly outside my room must have witnessed her coming in and out of my room very often, haha. Sometimes, I found ourselves so pathetic that she has to smuggle tow-hueys and sandwiches using big envelops into my room to avoid gossips.

Well, there are always both fun and sorrowful parts of working life. She definitely belongs to the former, but well, like what Ajahn Brahm said last nite, there is no ever-lasting concert, even the best performance has to end somehow.

Ajahn Brahm

This evening, I attended Ajahn Brahm's talk. I have excused myself from his talks for quite sometime as I found him repeating his contents very often. The very last one I attended shld be the one held at Suntec during the SARS period. Today, I decided to go, as I believe he must have accumulated much interesting and new stories to share.

True enough, his talk today was like 'brand new'. More importantly, the contents he covered today touched my heart. The questions raised by the audience were most relevant to me too. "How to deal with parting with ur dearest mum after she passes away?" and "How to deal with attachments to friendship". To me, the answers he gave were excellent.

Unfortunately, I havent recovered from my indigestion and my stomach was having some internal war within. I have to excuse myself as the cramps became unbearable. On the way out, I bought the ever 1st production book by Ajahn Brahm which comprises 108 short stories. It does burn a hole in my pocket but I bought it without much hesitation. Its an almost instant reaction that I want that book. It will be a good book to share and pass around with my friends, esp to those who are new or totally not in Buddhism. Afterall, how good and effective can we reproduce Ajahn's stories by repeating them to our friends? Its only by hearing from him themselves, or by reading these stories themselves, will they get those impacts.

Anyway, I am terribly sorry to Nale for neglecting her OPWC. I promise I will complete it fast and return u ASAP. And I will be re-engaging in my nightly reading again starting from tonight. My last semester was supposed to be the most stressful and busiest moment in my uni life. Thanks to my nightly reading of Dharma books in Sheares Hall, it has given me much peace and mindfulness to deal with the hectic semester with pretty good results :D

I wrote an entry abt my work today this evening, but there was server problem and that entry could not be published or saved. My colleagues have bought me farewell gifts (so fast!), will talk abt it more probably tmr.

Best Wishes

Its wednesday today, and it has been 2 weeks since Tree my smallbro has been away from home to myammar. I will be lying if I say I dun miss him, haha. Hopefully he is doing very well with his cultivation and is healthy & strong over there.

But what bogs me down slightly more the entire of today was something which I learnt from a jnr last evening. He has shared with me his personal problem which I couldnt help but feel sorry + worry for him. I thank him for his trust for me and sincerely wish him well & happy.

My boss treats me extremely well today. But thats not what I am seeking, hoping to achieved or have planned for. I do not wish to push ppl to their limits. Anyway, I applied for Singapore Prisons again last nite (finally they have cleared my previous application and allowed me to register again) and guess what, they called me during lunch today! Whezzzzz.........

Goodbye to my ComfortZone

I told my boss I wanna quit today.

It all started because of my new crop of golden hair. I didnt occur to me that he will be unhappy with it, until one of my female staffs told me abt the possibility. Upon asking him, I realise that what she said was true.

I have 100 over junior staffs under my charge, and more than 50% of them have coloured hair. I thought its good for young ppl to colour their hair, to show a more vibrant and youthful image. In fact, my hair dying days started during my JC days in TJC, when my chinese tutor encouraged me to go colour my hair. As a pychology major, she felt that young ppl shld dress and behave as young ppl, and she tok abt some pyschological impacts of outlooks which I din really get it.

However, my boss felt that having dyed hair is a bad and unhealthy image (lazy and uninterested feeling, he said). He also felt that esp as a snr executive in the company, I shld not possess such 'image' as I will scare away the ppl. And ppl who deals with our company will think we are a gangster company and feel intimdiated. Walaos, i think he is either from the 1970s or a 80 yr old trapped in a 30 yr old body. Even my parents have colourful hair manz.

As for me, I always dress up whatever I feel like doing so, be it putting on my ear ring, ear stud, colour my hair or watsover, as long as I do not look shockingly rude or offensive.

My boss has also wanted me to put a stop to all my technicians and staffs, and to strongly discourage them from colouring their hair. I feel thats ridiculous. There is no compromising in the end and I told him I have to leave the company. He did not stop me, haha :D

I know it sounds silly to quit my job jus because of a small issue. But this small issue can kinda attenuate or reflect to a larger picture - on the rigidness and inflexibility of the company. I feel that i need a more dynamic working place. Being a rather active student in NUS, I am definitely seeking for a more dynamic and active job. My current job may be well-paid and comfortable, but I guess i need a tougher training ground, and probably a more meaningful job.

Goodbye to my comfort zone.

*inspired by NUSBS fenny who took up a not-so-high pay but very meaningful job*

The Importance of Good Health

I was practically lying on my bed the entire of yday, feeling very terrible. I did a short reflection on the importance of having good health.

The problem of indigestion is not new to me. Ever since I had my operation in 1999 on intestinal complications, my stomach hasn been functioning well. Yday was a more severe case, as I was not only suffering from 'dancing stomach' & cramps, but also feeling very weak + severe headache + giddiness.

After seeing the doctor, I went back to my room, hoping to catch a good sleep. However, the moment i lie my head on the pillow, giddiness came creeping in and slowly it turned into headaches. I tried sitting up on my sofa but found myself too weak to pick up the magazines to read. I was wondering why I became so 'energyless' as if I have been drained out of all my strength and power. I also tried to 'meditate' by focussing on my breaths, hoping to get rid of the pains and giddiness, but my 'internal strength' was so weak that I lost counts very much faster than my usual sittings. Furthermore, any small amt of food intake (even one sip of water ) will cause my stomach to reject them and start giving me giddy spells + vommitings.

I was feeling quite helpless then as I have no energy to engage in any physical activities and yet lying down will only give me more headaches and giddiness. In the end, I have no choice but to gulp down 2 tablets of painkillers to make myself sleep. And there I slept from 11am to 4pm, and the 430 to 7pm, and 8pm till morning 7am. Finally I gain back my energy this morning and was able to make my way to work. My stomach is still dancing now and hopefully it doesn reject food when I go for lunch later. Quite interestingly, everytime i have indigestion, my stomach can go totally without food for about 2 days without feeling any hunger at all. Its only when the hunger pangs come running in, i know my stomach is ready for food. I hope to hear the pangs soon, haha.

I reflected and appreciated the importance of having good health. Many of us have been taking our good health for granted, as we are still young and healthy. Instead, we push our body to the limits by gorging on unhealthy foods, never exercise regularly and adopt the sleeping hrs of an owl. We din realise how immobilized or 'useless' we can be if were to lose our health one day. For instance, I was so weak and ill yday that I could not even pick up a book to read, surf the net or MEDITATE.

May all of us take good care of our health, eat healthy food, exercise regularly and adopt good sleeping habits.

Title-less

This evening I went out with my army buddies. I am glad that after ORDing for more than 4yrs, we are still closely in touch. We have switched our roles & relationships from fellow camp/bunk mates to fellow school mates in NUS (some in NTU) and now to fellow working class ppl.

In fact, I did not walk together with them the entire hardship days in the army. We may have suffered the initial stage of trainings and tekanings during our trainee days together, but subsequently, i 'left' them to and was posted out from the unit after a major operation. However, I am glad they have always included me in their 'list' of buddies, and have nv failed to count me in for any gatherings/outings. We had dinner at the suntec Vietnam restaurant. I must say the food there tastes much better than Thai Express. Its quite cheap also.

I spent the later part of the evening with nusbs jnrs, who were at Marina watching the fireworks. Its good that the jnrs are spending time together to enjoy the last bits of their sch holidays. Its definitely better than spending at home to stone or rot.

Was talking to Bean on our way home. We were talking abt doing what we want in life. From my army friends jus now, I learnt that many ppl have found v good job lobangs which include overseas opportunities. Furthermore, their pay are not too bad either. I couldnt help but feel jealous and also disatisfied with my current job. However upon reflection, I felt that the contentment and satisfication come from within. All these problems come when we start to compare ourselves with more and more ppl. Whats more impt is to find out what we want in life & what meaning we seek in life.

One of the army frens i went out with was a high flyer. He is a 7 dean lister and won the Lee Kuan Yew Gold Medal Award in his cohort, plus 2 other achievement medals. He had perfect grades for both his A and O levels, but did not take up any scholarships. Most astonishingly, he nv feels proud of his acheivements, and in fact, he is a pretty melancholic person who finds life very disatifactory.

As a buddhist, I am glad I have a pretty much guided life. Or at least, we are constantly reminded or taught whats impt and whats not impt, and what are the things worth pursuing and things not worth pursuing, in life.