Prisons

Today was a very shag day, not becos of work, but becos of the volunteering work for PKS and Shan You.

Upon request by Peifen, I decided to make my trip down to Toa Payoh North to help transport 'some shoes' from a factory to another warehouse at Queenstown. I thought my van could be of some significant help, but upon reaching there, I realised they have at least 400 boxes (see above) of shoes to transport. In fact, there were already 3 big lorries awaiting to transport the shoes. Altogether there were around 7 of us doing the labour job.

The entire process of carrying the boxes down from the factory to the loading bay was shag enough, not mention loading them up to the lorries. Unfortunately, it rained heavily and the lorries were without shelthers. In the end, I have to drive my van to PKS to get some canvass sheets. And we ended up using my mini van to transport 3 boxes of shoes + 6 heavy metallic trolleys. My entire van was fully stuffed, and am glad the van was not 'wasted' afterall.

The unloading process was just as tiring, especially the building was an abandoned warehouse without electricty :s We have to use candlelights.

The helpers who were present were all middle aged guys. Its only after some chats that I realised they were from the Buddhist Lighthouse, which means most of them are ex-convicts. I really feel very happy for them, as they have made their life meaningful by doing volunteering work after their jail term, sadhu!

I always thot I have strong karmic links with the prisons, but touch woood, i dun mean i wanna be an immate, but I really hope I can work in the prisons one day. Too bad, the Singapore Prisons have rejected my application.... perhaps i shld wait for the next round.

More Convo Pics

The first pic was one of the two pics taken by the professional photographers at the commencement ceremony. I paid for them and they were sent to me yday. Personally, I am quite pleased with the photos, esp the shot was snapped at the moment I looked into the camera (there was no time for us to pause there and pose for the camera).

The 2nd pic was taken after the commencement with Vincent, Weigan and Yinsoo. Its a very special photo to me, as the 4 of us used to hang around at Hai Yin (Sagaramudra) Buddhist Society very often 2 yrs ago. Vincent is always active there, while Weigan is getting even more active than vincent over the past year. Yinsoo has since been cultivating seriously in Tibetan Buddhism while I am the only slacker left behind, doing nothing much. Nvtheless, this grp of buddies has really helped me quite a lot in the early stage of my buddhism practice. Sincerely grateful to them.

Just learnt that one of my jnr was feeling disappointed with his friends from BS. Expectation leading to disappointment is one thing, but this incident also kinda describes the ugly human nature - selfishness. Hope my jnr wun be disheartened and learn to live with it. A phrase which is overly used but still meaningful : life not a bed of roses. Not everyone out there is always kind, sincere and helpful. But tats only one side of the coin (robi-nale!), learn to view things from all angles and directions.

Oh yes, my smallbro tree has been away for one weak. Having an extremely weak stomach + falling sick very easily, I hope he is doing fine and strong over at Myammar. Really dun wish to see him coming back with skin + bones - flesh.

Akaa... bishan some orang jump train mati la.... not terrorists.

Small Gathering

This evening I have a gathering with the 24th MC. There were 10 of us, having dinner at the pay-as-you-like high class Indian restaurant at Excelsior Hotel. I wasnt exactly please with the service, as the ppl who serve there seem to have this impression that we are abusing the 'pay as u like' ruling by ordering lots of food and paying very little.

I dun like to take advantage of ppl, and I always pay at least $10 in the past. Today, i decided to withdraw $2 for their rather rude attitude, haha. Talk abt graciousness and being forgiving....

Oh yes, congratulation to dear Jane for having found her job as a software engineer! Congrats manz..waiting for ur first pay okie? For those other friends who havent found your job, dun worry, your chance will come, dun be too pessimistic and choosy.

And YES! Finally i can speak my mind all over again without fearing ppl laugh at me for being BHB or egoistic. Mabbe i am really ego and BHB. Guess what, I used to think that those typical boy-chase-gal-chase-boy stuffs will end in my NUS life after stepping out into the society, but I am wrong. For a number of times, I received 'free' bkfast like tuna sandwiches and tow huey desserts sent all the way to my office room by a couple of office gals. It kinda swell up my ego and I actually do enjoy such attention while my colleagues dunt, but then, so what?

A theory by some bs gals: The average and not-so-good looking guys always get the most attention from gals, becos most of the time they dare not pin hope on those very oustanding guys.

i am jus an ordinary and non-outstanding guy, but sorry for being overly ego still :p

Tahan

Things havent been going on smoothly at work for yday and this morning. Cant precisely fish out any major or significant problem, but the air of unpleasantness and dissatisfaction is hanging around.

Indeed, what Ven Yuan Fan said was right. We always hope and expect everything to go on smoothy without any problem, which is impossible. And when problems arise or things turn out not in line with our expectations, we experience the negative feelings, which is often unbearable.

My work often gives me lotsa unpleasant encounters, as I need to deal with a large number of different ppl everyday. I see this as a learning ground, and I hope I can tahan for long.

My Apologies

Sorry friends out there, I am not trying to attract attention or create a mountain over a molehill, but I see a need to migrate my blog over to this URL. This is because I realised with horror that someone has already 'invaded' into my blog, and I seriously do not wish to let this person find out more about me. I guess most of my nusbs friends will be able to guess who this person is. And A MILLION THANKS to the person who leaked it out.

Anyway, the change of my URL is not necc a bad thing. Over the months, I have been feeling the resistance to pen down my feelings and thoughts in my blog. With a larger readership (nothing to be proud fo though), I am facing more 'restrictions' to the contents I can fill my blog up with. Of cos i dun mind my close friends from both engin and bs to read my entries, but at least they must be ppl i know, not ppl i duno.

Having changed my URL, i will inform these friends my URL. At least I can effectively filter out those who have been reading my blog but oblivious to me. Hopefully with the change of URL, i can once again start to pour out my feelings openly....

Sunday Nite is the Nite, Feeling alright!

Sunday night again. I used to dread sunday nites during my pri/sec school days, as the next day will be school again. Especially for morning session classes, I have to wake up as early as 6am every sch days.

When I was in the army, my sunday nights were mostly spent in the army camp! During my BMT days, I wud have reported at the commando jetty by 7-8pm, and reached Pulau Tekong around 8 plus. In Sispec, I need to book in as early as 6pm!!! cos i failed to meet the physical fitness level then. And towards the end of the army, I normally reached back camp at 11plus on sunday nites.

In NUS, sunday nights become not so significant. In fact, weekends were nv much difference from normal school days, as everyday seems to be the same, a mixture of work + play.

Working life? Sunday nite sux manz, cos the next morning will be experiencing monday blues... hahaha.

Quite a crappy entry this evening, hope u ppl dun mind. But i really have nothing to write about this evening, no reflections, nothing.....

希望明天会更好！

Carlon Presiden

From this to this !

No no..... Riki is not to be mistakened as a BMT recruit. Probably this is just an 'official' hairstyle for NTUBS guys? In line with Kean Yap, Kin Song, Teddy, Sumantri (soon-to-be), perhaps guys from NUSBS shld consider this economical and hassle-free hairstyle.

The talk last evening at DBS auditorium by Ven Robina was superbly good. I dun think I will attemp summarising or jotting down anything from the talk on my blog, as it will do terribly injustice to what she shared with us last night. Like what Bro Sebastian had earlier said: Whatever you have picked up and absorbed shld stay in your mind, showing you have already appreciated them. You should not jot them down on note books as u most probably will leave them aside after sometime. Well, I cant say I agree with him totally, but it seems to make sense to me now.

Oh yea thanks to all my frens who have showed concern for me. The car accident battle shld be over soon. And NOPE, i have decided not to press on and let that guy claim whatever he likes. He will pay back using his own karma, I just wanna move on with life and settle more impt stuffs.

***anyway, i have already sold my sonata, so whatever insurance penalty i dun have to pay next yr, hahahahahahaha***

Angel Vs Devil 2

This morning, my car insurance agentcalled me, informing me to expect a court case soon. The other party which has gotten me into the car accident during last christmas has refused to give up claiming from me. Its kinda spoilt my day.....

Devil speaking:

Hey Gordon, you are so suay and unfortunate. You were happily driving along at Orchard with your friend. You were stuck in a jam and your car was stationary when a cuckoo from your left suddenly came knocking into you car. Instead of apolosing to you, he cursed and swear you on the spot.

Although his insurance agent did compensate you a meagre sum of $260 (hardly enough for the repair costs), he himself wanted to claim from you a whopping sum of $2000++, which include his legal fees in employing a lawyer.

I am sure you werent at fault, if not you shld be feeling very guilty now for denying an offence you have committed. But the other party seemed to be aruging very well, with all the evidences favouring him. Even ur insurance agent said that the chances of you winning over him is jus 50% or even less... And worse, your so called very good fren said he is v scared and is hesistant to come forward to be your witness..

Dear Gordon, cant u feel the anguish and anger, that the other party who rammed into you has not only caused you so much trouble, pains, worries but is going to make pay $$$. Simply no justice in this world? Are u going to give up and just let him go away scot free? Dun u think u shld follow him, exaggerate + substantiate your own statements to support ur own evidence?


Angel Speaking:

Dear Gordon, why are you so worried when your conscience is clear? Arent you wasting much time speculating and re-collecting the past incidents? No matter how much and hard you think, you are not going to re-write the past.

So what if he managed to win the case and make you pay? Is that small amt of money worth the karmic debt he would be incurring?

Isnt this a good chance for your to clear/purify away your bad karma?

Just keep your conscience clear, stay happy, spend more time and energy on useful stuffs. Things around us happen so fast that they become like illusions.

Dhammacakkappavattana - Wheel Turning Day!

Its Dhammacakkappavattana today, also known as the Wheel Turning Day! So rightfully speaking, we are supposed to do many good deeds today so that our merits will be multiplied million times. But we also know that its a wrong intention.

Well, I have to clarify that the volunteering of transporting the Dharma books from ABC/BF to NUS today was strictly coincidental. However, I am glad that were a few others who were present this evening to peform and share this meritorious deed.

Sadhu to the future NUSBS leaders (The 2 'W's - Wilsanto and Weiguang) as featured in the pictures above! Sadhu to Katrine and Wenyan too! May the Dharma books we brought back today benefit the campus community, and may those who have read and gained from these Dharma books, further pass them around and share whatever they have learnt to the ppl around them. May the merits be shared with everyone.

Let us anticipate for a chinese-speaking-ananda soon! akaaa, u can do it!

Ven Robina Rocks

I hope I havent been sounding like a weakling, being very indecisive and drowning myself in self-pity. But I know for sure I am not. I am just being responsible and careful.

This evening, I went to listen to Ven Robina's talk at DBS building. She spoke very fast, but definitely not just nonsensical blabberings. She was simply sharp and quick witted. I thought the questions asked during the Q&A session were fantastic too, of cos each of them paired up with fantastic answers by ven. I really picked up several useful tips tonite, esp the talk was on Compassion and Wisdom.

Just like what Ven Yuan Fan love to stress abt, we all do not like to encounter problems and often wish to see everyone well & happy. And when we fail to remove the the sufferings of ppl around us, we tend to get ourselves depress and upset too. Ven Robina advised us that sometimes, we do need to give others a chance to experience sufferings, and also an opportunity for them to purify their own bad karma. Its afterall their own karma that they have to bear, so why must we go against it? Ven Robina also reminded us that we have to take care of ourselves first (or watch ourselves), before we wanna work on others. She said something like this:

"Stop giving them advices, lectures & getting urself upset when u cant help them .... just be there".

The above are just some of the useful pointers I have picked up this evening, which i will not be surprised if they were to sound cliche to other ppl. Similarly, there shld be many other points that others might have picked up and found useful which I didnt feel so.

Dana - Finally, I can offer dana openly and relaxingly. In the past, I actually thot I am a very stingy person this life, becos i always have reservations when it comes to donation. But i found out thats becos I have been using my parents' money and I feel guilty about it. Now I am making my own money, I find myself often very willing to part with my cash (of cos i m refering to small amts lah. Thats a great relief, cos I fear I have been a miser for many lives. I am glad that I have been experiencing very good life for the first 20 yrs of my age, must be lots of dana and good merits accumulated from past life eh? HAHAHA. Lets hope I can continue doing so this life.

Oh dear bsl, wondering if you will get the chance to read my entry before u fly off. Sincerely wish u all the best in ur 3 weeks' cultivation. Pls come back as an upgraded person, so that u will be able to effectively benefit many more in the future. Sadhu!

Torn between choices

I am feeling pretty rotten today, having torn between 2 choices. Thats all because I am in the position to make a decision, that concerns a large community. Or perhaps I am thinking too much of the consequences of either choices that complicate up the matter?

Well, I think I have no choice. Its something that I could not share outwardly to any tom dick and harry out there, not even my own parents. And yet I am a just an ordinary person with limited experiences and wisdom, that I couldnt handle everything myself single-handedly. I need advices and comments.

But having too many different comments and advices tends to complicate the matter further. Thats why I was torn between the 2 choices. One snr is asking me to put a stop to whatever I am doing now and to leave everything to her and her teacher. Another snr is encouraging me to stand out and confront the matter courageously, for the sake of the community at large. At the same time, the emotional side of me is stopping myself from doing so, because I do not wish to see someone 'destroyed' just because of my doing, even though it may be rightful for me to do so.

I am just too selfish that I do not wish to bear such consequences, plus I do not wish to jeopardise many others of learning chances in future camps/retreats or creating possibilities of tarnishing the reputation of a school. And so what are the downsides of not reporting the matter? I will only see someone walking towards the fire and yet not stopping him, or probably sabotage many others along into the fire. I do not wish to see someone being reborn into an animal, or in even lower realms. I tell myself I need to stop the wrong doings.

Analogy1: If your kid was caught stealing in sch, would you rather the teacher call you up and inform you first, or would you prefer the teacher to hand your child directly to the police? So am i supposed to report the matter directly to the higher authority or am I supposed to do it discreetly to the teacher concerned first?

Analogy2: If you catch a theif outside, are you going to hand him directly to the police or wait to call the theif's parents before deciding? And pls, the person concerned is no longer a kid ok?

Still, its a dilemma for me, despite numerous long phone calls of discussions with my seniors. A jnr kind of reprimanded me for complicating up the matter, and warned me about 'musavada'. Frankly speaking, I am very afraid of breaking the 4th precepts in the process of re-reporting the matter over and over again to those few snrs. As we discuss more, we tend to get more biase against the matter, and hence, whatever I could 'recall' and 'recollect' may not be as accurate as before :(

At first I though it only concerns me, a couple of snrs and jnrs. Now it seems that some "fen yong zhi tu" are trying hard to fight for the case, not just for me but for the sake and well-being of the buddhist community. I appreciate their good intention but i still feel its not right.

Why does the decision lies in me? Someone pls decide for me.

My Head is Spinning

This evening was the last time I could spin round the city in my Sonata. After parking it properly at the parking lot, I feel the reluctance in me to turn off the headlamps, radio and switching off of the engine. The sonata will be sent for scrape tmr, and while looking at this piece of beautiful white metal, I feel sad that its going to 'die' prematurely at the age of 5. Bad economy. My dad has changed at least 6-7 cars in my memory, and I have nv felt this type of sadness in me before. Probably everytime I part with an old car, I would be looking forward to travel in the new car replacement. This time round, there will not be any replacement for this Sonata... end of driving life for my dad.

This aftn joined NUSBSA in their outing at East Coast Park. Rode the bicyle and took the above pic at bedok jetty. I know some of u think i am very vain, i dun deny this fact but i thot there are many more worse than me, haha. The other pic is smallbro Ong, we had a v huge Murtabak at bugis last nite... dun u think he looks good in this photo?

After ECP, I visited Dr Ang at her house with Siew Ching. I guess the 'secret' i talked abt in my blog has kinda become an open secret, or at least its no longer a secret among my fellow bloggers/blog friends, esp those from NTU. I have approached a NUSBS snr for help, whom she has consulted Dr Ang for advice. But we were shocked that Dr Ang did not keep the case a secret although we appreciate her good intentions. Although names were not mentioned, it will kinda make things worse as more speculations will take place which I dun really like. I wudnt mind telling ppl the details, if not of protecting the reputation of the Sangha.

However, Dr Ang has successfully convinced me the importance and need of sharing the incident to people, esp those in the buddhist student community. So hey ppl out there who have received email abt a case whereby a Sangha misbehaved, the victim is me me me !!!!! So stop all the guesses liaos, and i really dun mind letting ppl know its me!

Thats what I have for tonite.....

Oh yeah, Riki Rawks!

Rotten Luck

 
This pic was taken this evening at SRC together with my dear NUSBS friends. Thanks to sweeting for organising this session, and thanks for all those who turned up, esp those who double up as photographers. Sincerely thankful for this memorable afternoon, even though 85% of my pic ended up disastorously due to wrong setting of my digi cam :(  Can say wat a waste of effort and time :(
 
Just now when driving also took many wrong turns and detours... wats wrong today?
 
Went home and receive a lawyer letter. This time its not directed to my dad but to me. Met a car accident last december and the other party is claiming against me. Its more than 2K worth of money... sighz.  For goodness sake, I can swear with my head off that he was in the wrong, but am i going to let him go scot-free and succeed in claiming against me? How can I make myself feel justifiable abt his claim? By convincing myself he will be answerable for his own karma??
 
Well even more rotten luck the previous nite. Had an extremely heated arguement with my parents over family matters. Communication seems to have broken down tremendously lately, not just between me and them, but among they themselves.
 
I could not tahan anymore and drove off to find sumantri and riki and hall 10. Sincerely grateful to them for spending the night chatting with me. Hall 11 is really a very nice place, or issit becos of the deco of Sumantri/Kean Yap's room? Orangy lamps shining on the 3 buddha statues, with meditation mets laid in front like a mini meditation hall. The next morning (this morning), did morning puja and meditation with Riki, it was a nice feeling.
 
After which we drove off to Canteen A for Mc Donald's bkfast. See the changing faces of riki !
 

Round and Round Again.

On my right is Riki - dun ask me why he look so sleepy. On my left is sumantri didi (or better known by Teddy as Mozzarella didi). This pic reminds me of how time flies.

Sumantri will be yr4 when sch reopens. Remembered he was still yr1 (like riki now) when I first visited him in Hall 10. He was the youngest around (like riki now). He was diligently preparing for his dynamic paper with his hall mate Effendi. Effendi had many cans of beer under his bed and he offered me one. He used to work at the beer company.

After which, sumantri moved to hall 11, another hall which looks almost the same as his previous one, except that parking lots were easilt available nearby. He had a hallmate who seldom return to the room and nv stayed overnight. Hence, it was like a single-double room for sumantri.

Then there came the happy time when sumantri excitedly moved over to hall 2. He loved to call it hall 1+1, with the intention of making fun of how miserable hall 11 is compared to his then present hall2. There is an attached bathroom to his hall and he was staying together with 3 other Ace-hallers. He was extremely pleased with his room but he soon got himself 'crippled' over a basketball game :s Had a hard time moving in/out of his room for meals etc.

Now, sumantri is back to hall 11. Haha, thats how sometimes we are being made fun by fate. But I guess he shld be enjoying himself much with several of his spiritual friends from NTUBS staying together at hall 11.

Sometimes I really dun believe time passes so fast. Everyday, I have many diff tasks and work to accomplish, and I look foward to knock off timing. Knock off timing always seem to come very fast though, but so wat? Am I going to live everyday like that till the age of 30, 40 or 50?

Unlike my uni days which I could make everyday meaningful, working life is going to get more meaningless if it carries on like this....

Getting Skeptical

Made my way to attend the Dharma talk just now, thanks to smallbro Ong for informing me abt it. I really appreciate the effort and recognise it as a form of spiritual support.

The talk was given by Ajahn Sujato, a teacher whom i have never heard or met before. I find the talk pretty light heartening, esp with Ajahn very humerous and jovious. However, I was a bit worried for some NUSBS newbies as many pali terms were used jus now. Hope that they will not be turned off by their first few Dharma talks. Nvtheless, the Q&A session was fun and easy to understand. I am glad that I did pick up some useful pointers from the short talk.

However, I have to constantly remind myself not to get too skeptical and judgemental towards the sangha community. There's this fear within me that I will, esp when those following the bodhisattva paths are not even supposed to harbour ill or unwholesome thoughts for the sangha.

Sometimes, u'll nv know immediately how impactful some incidents are to u, but they only surface when u get to encounter something similar as the days go by. I hope my judgemental attitude towards the sangha will cease soon... its jus going to disrupt and disturb my cultivation.

Trust

I always thought that I dun easily trust ppl, tats becos i think i am smart & sensitive, but I guess I am wrong. I can be easily shakened, thats why I sometimes obliviously fall into ppl's traps.

There were 3 NUSBS snrs and 2 other friends during the discussions. Despite the evidence they have gathered, supported with very logical and strong analysis, I still harbour that little trust element in that accused. Oh now, am i getting too emotional that i fail to judge things rationally?

We often feel that we are in the worst situation, only to realise others may be in a worse situation than ours. My friend thought my predicament is jialat enough, but my other friend had an even much more jialat encounter. Just now, I listened in disbelieve. But I still refuse to let go of my trust for that accused completely ....

As compared with my snrs and friends, i m much weaker in dealing such situations without entangling myself with emotions. But dun get me wrong, i am not emotional now, but i just cant work things out rationally. I wonder whether its becos of my trust for ppl, or am i just bothering too much with ppl's feelings.

Once again, I am reminded of the great importance in self cultivation. The awareness and self-reflections. It doesn make a difference if we have a shaved head or are in the robes... but it makes a difference if we have a kind heart and pure mind - free from greed, hatred and delusions.

Graduation Photos .....

Today was more like a photo taking session than my commencement. The joy I had today came from meeting so many of my course mates and BS juniors, instead of going upstage to collect the scroll from the v. chancellor.

Sincerely very grateful to all my dear BS friends who came down purposely just to support the few of us. Really nv expect such a huge turn out today :D There are simply too many photos for me to upload here, so kinda picked a few. Alternatively, you may wish to visit the following website and select the 'slide show' option. No guarantee that it works though :D

PHOTOS UPDATED
Oh yea, thanks to smallbro ong for the effort to get me the spiderman2 tics, and the papaya from smallbro wong.

Commencement Commencing Soon...

My 'Big Day' will be approaching in a few hours' time. Am I supposed to sleep early so that I will look better in photo takings tmr? Since its such a 'big day', shldnt I be feeling very excited and happy?

The answer is a BIG "NO". Initially i thot the date is still far away, thats why i din have the excited feeling. But now, the ceremony is jus few hrs away, and i am feeling even more sian with it. I do know of some friends who are very excited over their commencement, as they see it as the 'Final Day' of their education life. "I have waited for today for so long, finally its here!"

I forced myself to make some reflections why I am not feeling great abt the graduation ceremony. I guess I have the answer. While others see graduation as the final product of their education and value it greatly, I see the process of learning and experiencing throughout the 4 yrs as much more meaningful and valuable than the end product, which is my honours degree. I have enjoyed myself much for the past four yrs, so there is actually nothing great for me to anticipate or wait for after the 4yrs. Whatever I have taken with me have been taken, the commencement is more of a 'ritual' or 'custom' that i am taking tmr.

While many of my friend have been inviting their friends and jnrs for photo takings after the ceremony, I did not send out a single proper invitation. Of cos i would be more than happy if my jnrs will come take photos with me, and in my heart i am hoping they will take the initiative to do so, but I doubt so. Anyway no expectation... i admit i am just plain sian and too lazy to send out invitations.

Oh yes, just now i was at Sentosa attending NTUBS FOC finale night. Its not the first time i attended their activities, but its the first Camp Nirvana that I went. Too bad the NUSBS jnrs missed out the fun as they left early, the singing session was indeed very heart warming, as it effectively gel up the society. I guess thats the NTUBS style, no hard energetic hard rocking dance steps, but light and simple swaying motions... its nice, really nice... i have to take my hat off for weipin for joining CNS2004. I think we have some similarities - we really like to try out, participate and get involved in different new things instead of just staying at one old place/grp. Its parallel to my mentality and wish of getting exposed to different teachings of buddhism.

Hahaha, the wayang commencement will be approaching soon, and it shld be over soon ... lets move on with life and look forward to new challenges, yeah!

Kitten aka Ji Deng aka Auspicious Lamp

I was feeling blissful this evening until my dad came to tell me something which erased away all those nice feelings. Once again, he needs to use my van for both this weekend and next, which means I cannot use it for both my convo photo taking sessions which take place this weekend and the next.

Anyway, lets get back to the blissful feeling I had earlier on. Its came so strangely that I cant understand myself either. I feel happy that my dear friend, my smallbro zeathereal is able to fufil his wish once again. Its just a happy feeling within me that one of my spiritual friends has once again going to take a major step forward in life for his cultivation. Is this call mudita?

I have to admit i used to get jealous when I see many of my friends having the chance to attend retreats, but I cant. The idea of 'self' was so strong that I asked myself: Shldnt I feel happy for other ppl's acheivements? I know it sounds too noble to be true, but its something i get to appreciate lately. We are joyous to learn the Dharma taught by the buddha, we are not jealous of him. Similarly, we shld be joyous with our friends' achievements.

This evening, went with bean, zea and Owy to watch Xiao Gang's concert. Dun ask me where I get those tics, but my dad always have some lobangs in getting concert tics and annual NDP tics. The concert started off very boring, but it got better towards the end. Still, I feel that it didnt appear like a 'yan chang hui' but more like a 'ge chang hui'. Its either Xiao Gang doesn have good stage performance or I am really not into concerts :P

Tmr have to work, and smallbro zea is pushing me to sleep :D

Spring Chicken

This morning, I woke up and was tainted with a bit of disappointments - due to some unwholesome expectations. After i reached my office, I received bad news abt my friend, which plunge me deeper into the depression. Oh well, nothing happens to me personally but to my friend instead, and i cant help feeling disappointed and sad like him. Perhaps sadness can really spread?

This morning, I received a SOS call from my staff that a taxi driver was creating a sin at the customer service counter. I promptly made my way to meet him, and was immediately 'greeted' by his nasty hurlings of unpleasant words. I invited him to my office to cool him down but in vain. All my prev tricks did not work on this driver, as he got even more unreasonable.

I later learnt that he has already scolded one of my technician, who was in charged of servicing his vehicle. This driver complained that we did not do the neccesary jobs for him, which in fact we have done so. In the end, he left an angry man after he failed to meet my CEO, who is always away anyway. My technician felt he was wrongly accused, as he has already put in extra effort to take care of this driver's unreasonable demand. This time, i have to side my technician as i really found this driver too much.

Unfortunately, my manager wasnt supportive of my actions to report the driver to the taxi company. He felt i shld just close one eye and let the matter rest. My technician too, felt very paiseh for having to trouble me all the way from my office to attend to this problem. But i told myself : i am not emotionally affected by the driver, but i feel things are just not right!

Haha.... somehow quite unexpectedly, we receive a hamper in the late afternoon, together with a card saying SORRY. Its from the driver!!! I duno what made him change his mind so fast... he must have a miserable time after scolding ppl. When i brought the hamper to my technician (the typical ah beng), i could see tears welling in his eyes man. .i really mean it! I think thats the power of human touch..

Anyway, Ananda shared with me something very wonderful just now. Even though I have read the story of the Life of the Buddha many times, and I believe that theres always something to learn from the story, Ananda told me something which i have not come across. Thanks Ananda! Think u give wonderful Dharma talks!

Oh yes, there is a latest entry to my list of ppl calling me bigbro. This gal smsed me to ask if she can call me bigbro like what others do. My ans is "Of cos, why not?". Guess who is she? She is none other than my smallbros' fave gal, Joan.

HAHAHAAA

More Birthday Wishes

Just came back from a small supper session with wilsanto, bean and her friend, oppps. .i forgot his name, oh no. I love meeting ppl who are interested in Buddhism.

Every yr, I would receive bday wishes from friends, but the number of wishes today seemed to be exceptionally high today. Apart from the usual MSN msg, ICQ msg and typical ICQ E-card (which of cos i appreciate too!), I received quite an alarming number of bday wishes via the SMSes. They are as follows (arranged according to time received):

1) Juing Young - an army camp mate who msg me 1 day before my bday
2) Sukandar - who sent me on the dot at 0000hrs as usual
3) Smallbro Ong - who cant even spell my name correctly
4) Smallbro WOng - should I say I was the one who msg him 1st?
5) Xingyi - my fellow nusbs foc2000 mate
6) Jane - my dear friend from engin
7) Jiahui - nusbs junior
8) Jingxian - a fellow lecture mate, quite unexpected though
9) Somebody who's hp number i cant recognise
10) The 2nd hp number which I cant recognise
11) Wilsanto - nusbs junior aka adik
12) Dad - my own father la!
13) Lena - with her meaningful well wishes
14) The 3rd hp number which i cant recognise
15) Riki - ntubs adik whose bday wishes came together with a request for a treat from me :D
16) William - my pri sch classmate! quite unexpected also
17) Jaisey - a superb christian fren who helped out in foc2001
18) Maywei - a lecture mate since yr1 to 4

Sincerely apologising to those 3 ppl whose hp number I couldnt recognise. Limin are u one of them? My storage bank has been used up. Really appreciate the effort put in to key in the msgs on ur hp and sent them over. Of cos the same goes to my many other friends who bother to MSN and ICQ me bday wishes...

More guilty is the fact that shifu called me all the way from malaysia, just to wish me Happy Birthday. Do you think i deserve to be whacked?

Anyway, was chatting with Joan online this morning, someone whom my smallbros weiyang and siling have pretty good impression of. Once again, she displayed her magnimous side by advising me to forgive and forget abt the friend i commented negatively on regarding MLM. Like wat the smallbros said, she is a nice and good gal, no wonder they appreciate her so much :D

Birthday Celebration

On the eve of my birthday, I met up with gillian aka bean, and the 2 smallbros for dinner at Suntec Marche`. They bought me the bag (see above) and prior to that, they have been asking me whether i prefer blue or yellow. Definitely I prefer yellow, but it depends on what type of thing. For instance, i cant possibly have a yellow car or wear yellow shoes huh? haha.. anyway grateful to them for the bag and efforts. I have always wanted to buy a deuter bag but nv bear to part with the money in my wallet. Spending on food is another issue though :D

This afternoon, I told my colleagues I wanted to treat them lunch, but ended up they found out its my bday and treated me instead. We ordered a huge plate of chicken and green vegs. After which, we proceeded to the famous Loyang Tua Pek Kong temple for a visit.

Birthday Flashbacks:

2003: I was with a PGP friend drinking coffee at city hall. This guy was very grateful to me and insisted in treating me for lending him my listening ears for the past one yr at PGP. He is the guy i brought to meet Sayalay :D The other friends bought me parker pen, sheiffer pen, pouches, hand rest etc.

2002: I was with sukandar the entire day at suntec eating around (many meals within one day), haha. But unfortunately, the present he bought me is something I dun need and dun like (a cap):p

2001: I was celebrating birthday with the BS gamers for FOC2001. They bought me a car model : Mercedes Benz

2000: Freshly ORDed, I was celebrating with my army camp mates at Marina SteamBoat Buffet. Its my 21st bday and initially I had no intention to celebrate, but a few of my camp mates volunteered to help me organise one. One grp bought me a metallic silver BMW car model, while the other grp gave me a Swatch.

1999: I have no recollection what i did for that year.

1998: I was in the midst of my miserable army trainings. My entire platoon was terribly tekaned on that very day with countless push ups and running about the camp as 'punishments'. On top of my family tussles then, I nearly broke down, and a friend came by to show his concern.

1997: My ex-gf bought me a 90210 blue colour t shirt. She purposely bought a S size for me as she thought I look better in small t shirts. I have to admit it was pretty uncomfortable wearing it but no choice......

1986-1996: I think for almost every year, my dad would bring me to Mandarin Hotel Chatterbox restaurant for the chicken rice set. I remembered the price rose from $14/set to $21/set about a decade ago. Now perhaps its $30++?? Can never forget that glass of $8 orange juice.

1985: I had the biggest birthday celebration ever. My dad's business was at its peak and he invited more than a hundred guests to his factory for the bday party. Guess what? I really received a lot of presents then, mostly toys.. and these toys are not simple ones but very big-scale and kua zhang kind of toys, which range from a 1-metre toy truck to then very sophisticated electronic games.

I can remember more of my bdays, but i think those were not worth or splendid to mention.

Show Hand

Shortly after i joined NUSBS FOC2000, i was given the nick "Show-Hand" by a BS snr, for my frankness in voicing out my opinions and sharing my personal problems. But dun get me wrong, I still keep some secrets for myself, just that i share relatively much more than most others do. I am going to share something tonite.

Those who know me well would know I have this very troubling matter keeping at heart for quite some time. Initially I only shared with 2 ppl, and now the number grew to more than 5. While I feel its bad of me to go round telling ppl abt the matter, I thought its gonna drive me crazy if i were to continue to keep it mum. I just need some friends to share and release out the unpleasantness in me. I am indeed thankful to those few whom i have shared :) Latest update: No action has been/will be taken in the near future cos the VIP is not around till late this yr :(

Now let me share another case on betrayal by a friend. There was this close friend who wanted to borrow 2K from me on the pretext of needing it for 'urgent matters'. When I asked her for the precise reasons, she said it was inconvenient to tell me, saying its for family matters. She also struck me hard on my weak spot by shooting me a qn "Dun u trust me?"

In the end, I lent her the money after some pleadings from her. I actually borrowed the money from another friend, who transfered his money from his account to hers using the online system, unconditionally. Thats the trust the other friend has for me, as he doesn even know her. And yeps, she returned me the money shortly.

After the incident, she kept asking me out for a meal, saying tat she wanna thank me for lending her the money. Of cos i feel great helping a friend, and was more than happy to accept her invitation. Everything was fine except for the fact that she wanted to meet me for meals at a certain place, which I dun think have any good food. I tried to persuade her to meet up at another place, but she insisted in meeting me at the place she suggested.

Our appointment was a sunday and when i asked her abt the job, she told me she was just helping around the company with the general stuffs, with no particular job scope. I asked her why she need to work on sunday, and she told me the ppl at her work place are so nice that they dun mind coming back on sunday to work. *Puzzled*

Coincidentally or pre-planned (i duno), we met one of her friends at the coffeeshop. This guy (from china) kept psychoing me tat i am not earning enough and shld come out to earn more money when i am young. I told him my monthly pay is actually more than an average graduate and I am very satisfied with it. He showed me a BMW parked by the road side and told me it belongs to his friend who is only 28 yr old. I wanted to tell him I have been driving mercedes benz E300 everyday to sch since i got my driving license but i din. He told me the importance of money in life and I told him the importance of morality in life. In the end, he gave up and I could more or less guess she is trying to rob me into MLM.

Just then, my hp beeped with an incoming msg: "Hey, do u think i shld still ask him to go up?" by XXX (my gal fren). My goodness! After seeing how defensive i was, my poor fren has actually wanted to SMS tat China fren, seeking his opinion whether she shld still bring me up to her company, but she ended up SMS me. Thats really too bad for her, and i was heartbroken.

Being my usual self, I spoke my mind and told her how I felt. I told her that it takes a v long time and much effort to build a friendship, but all it needs is one short moment of greed to destroy the entire friendship. She was apologetic, and promised not to do it again. I trusted her once more, and forgave her.

But to my disappointment, she continued with her doings, using the same techniques and methods, and approached several more of our common friends. Most of them were tricked, thinking how nice of her to invite us out for lunch, but all ended up visiting the MLM company. Just like me, they were disappointed and felt cheated.

Sorry to those who think I shldnt pen such things down in my blog. But this is my blog, i feel i have the right to do so and its supposed to be a channel for me to release all my unhappiness. It also serves as a form of warning : If next time soneone ask u to go and have lunch at some funny places, pls be on guard.

Making Life Meaningful

I havent been meditating ever since i left the retreat 2 weeks. I feel that I am gradually losing control of myself, my emotions and having less positive energy to make efforts in keeping my precepts.

Be it psychological effect or the TRUE effects from meditations, I am just feeling mentally weak and uncharged. The fact that I dun have that extra energy to push me to do my sittings at home doesn help too. Moreover, I no longer have that luxury to travel to the temples on some quiet weekday afternoons/mornings to do my own silent and quiet sittings.

Just like Mr Ae2004 wrote in his blog, I told myself I wanted to do so many things during my sch days, most of which require a large amt of activation energy to overcome the inertia. I am glad i have managed to do most of the things i hav wanted to do so.

When i was yr1 in NUS, i missed my army camp and wanted to go back badly. In the end, I succeeded in applying for a reservice and managed to stay back in the same old bunk I had during my army days. I have also wanted to visit Sungei Buloh badly and I managed to fight for a place for a visit organised by the Campus Green Community. I wanted to have an IA company located near the campus, so that I could still stay in the campus bua long long every evenings. I managed to get myself one after much struggle!There were many times I wanted to go up to Poh Ern Sih on a quiet morning to meditate, and I am glad I made enough effort to bring myself there for a few times during the semester. I have also wanted to try out the new halls (SH and KR) and hey presto! i managed to get a feel of it during my last semester in NUS. Its definitely a wonderful experience.

Sometimes I duno why some of my frens hated the campus so much, and they tried to minimise their staying time in sch. I am exactly on the opposite, as I enjoyed the moments i spent in sch tremedously. I wanted the type of campus life that after attending my lessons, I could cross over to SRC for a lazy afternoon swim and tan. In the morning I would enjoy my breakfast at the Arts canteen while in the evening, i wud get the chance to either jog round the campus or go for late night suppers at Fong Seng or NUH. I have had all these 'dreams' fufilled.

Stepping out to work in the society is definitely something quite different. There isnt much free play in my present job as I couldnt change my lifestyle much. At most, I can only decorate my office room with lotsa buddhist posters, haha.

Its after the retreat I suddenly feel myself sooo small, and there are so much things out there that I do not know, and awaiting for me to learn and experience. I do not wanna waste my life away... but how?

Oh yes my bday is not yet here but i have started to receive presents yday. Thanks to my old frens... but trust me, sincerely i feel tat making others spend money on me can be even more painful than myself spending the money.

Sadhu to the FOC organisers!

On Friday evening, I was so excited when I left for work at my office, as i would be joining NUSBS FOC all the way from friday nite till sunday morning.

The 2nd nite was senior sharing. I have to admit that this session might seem boring, dull and meaningless to the jnrs to a certain extent. For instance, wat BeiJing shared were not what we could relate to except for Peihui, someone of his era. And what Jessy shared were probably only meaningful to me and a few others of the same era.

But what I found most touching was the thanksgiving part of the sharing. Shiongwei was thanked openly and repeatedly throughout the session, by me, Jessy and Jiahui, for his presence in our NUSBS days. Separately and individually, he has touched our lives and gave impactful effects to our campus life.

Also got a pleasant and meaningful surprise when I was mentioned 'indirectly' by a jnr for my effort in bringing him closer to NUSBS. I am not sure if thats supposed to be a form of gratitude, but most importantly, its the assurance that tells me what I have done for the past yrs have been meaningful and worthwhile. Its like small yet meaningful evaluation for myself.

Pls pardon me for saying this but I feel some of the remaining sharings pretty shallow and forceful. Probably some were too ego to show their gratitudes and share their feelings, while others were simply not in the right moods. But how often did we not hear abt the importance of showing our gratitudes to keep our own hearts and fire burning? Its not just for ourselves, but for others to feel.

As mentioned before by a snr in the prev FOCs, i noticed the same thing myself: During the initial setting up the camp, there wud always be some ppl who would hesitate to step forward and commit themselves to the plannings, even though they were approached repeatedly. BUT its only after the 'raw' periods were over and everything was more or less planned and settled down, u wud see them coming forward at the last stage to 'Join In' and share the fun, as if they were part of the planning team. Its the same every yr. .sigh. Ppl only wanna share the fruits and fun, seep in the atmosphere and enjoy the fellowships, but refuse to commit and put in much efforts.

I ended my FOC prematuredly. Have intended to stayed on after the finale night to enjoy myself for the one last time in campus, but throughout the day something/someone kept trigger me off to anger up and break my forth precepts. Fearing of unable to control myself further, I decided to go home to prevent gaining more bad karma, and also to help reduce others from gaining bad karma.

Thanks to Jiahui and Eunice for their wonderful efforts to keep the society going. Also thankful to their comms and the OGLs for taking up their respective roles. I have to disagree with what BeiJing said abt the egoisticity of ppl who think they are very impt to the fate of the society. Becos the camp was small, you ppl have become even MORE noble, important and crucial to step forward and keep the society going, sadhu!

Back to NUS

1) Pic with Jane, capturing our convo suits in vain
2) Current BS leaders practising their dances for FOC, SADHU!

I was feeling very excited throughout yday at work, as I would be going down to NUS in the evening. Not that I was excited over collecting my convo gown, but I really miss the campus atmosphere.

Met up with Jane and gang at MPSH to try out our gowns and motar boards. I duno how the others felt, but I know I am not looking forward to commencement. I dun have any special feeling over my graduation, and I dun feel great wearing my convo suits. Perhaps in my opinion commencement is something too 'Academic', and I really dun feel a great sense of acheivement having obtained my honours degree.

Probably my heart hasnt been fully put into my studies throughout the 4yrs. Its true I did work hard for my exams, but most of the time I did my work with minimum effort hoping to acheive the minimum acceptable grades. Pls pardon me if you find me cocky, but i am sincerely telling you the truths. My heart was not there when I did my labs, FYPs etc. I only studied for the sake of my grades. Thats probably why I dun feel much for my honours degree, though I cant deny the fact I NEED it to survive.

On the contrary, I have spent a large part of my campus life in ECAs and hostel/hall activities. Every hols was spent preparing for BS stuffs, and most of the evenings after lectures were spent eating dinner, talking cok and interacting with my neighbours. Everyday, its practically waking up in the morn, go for lessons, lunch with course mates, lessons again, swim (if possible), back to room, dinner with neighbours, nite joggings, if not supper or other BS activities and then back to sleep. That completes a day of my campus life...for almost the past 4 yrs.

Last evening, I headed towards SRC. I miss those nights when I was staying in Ext A, and would jus cross the road and jog round the SRC tracks. I would sit near the chin up bars, looking at the cars speeding past the expressway, feeling very protected and sheltered as a student. I knew life is going to be tough outside. Its also a nice place to spend alone during my depressing nights, the most depressing moments of my nus life.

I walked past the tennis courts and saw a few orientation grps conducting night games. Saw some guys being blind folded, and reminded of myself being blind folded too 4 yrs ago, haha. How exciting were the days as a camp participant, feeling the team spirits, and constantly flipping the program booklet wondering whats gonna happen next....

As I was driving along Science Link, realising myself dressed in executive suits, its still quite hard to accept the fact that I am no longer part of NUS, part of this lovely campus. I have spent my days and nights here, and can u imagine how much i miss the place. Perhaps I have started work too soon, that the transition period i am experiencing now seems to be extraordinary long.

But dun get me wrong, I am not yearning for a student life. I just miss the days as an undergraduate but I know life has to move on. I always miss a place more than the people. But I think I am doing fine now :)

Pls take me there, driver?

Haha I hope I wunt be sued for copyrights for my title. Anyway, the person in the above pic is really me, not superimposed or works from photoshop. This taxi is really very big and spacious, and its extremely powerful. But dun ask me why am i driving the taxi :p

I have been searching high and low for the "NO Smoking" sign for my new vehicle. This is becos sometimes my dad picks up his smoker fren who is often too BUAY paiseh to carry on with his puffs while my dad is too paiseh to ask him not to do so. Now this is a brand new vehicle, there is NO way i shall compromise.

Just as I was cracking my head where to find the logo, an idea struck me. It can actually be found all over at my work place! Its found in almost all the taxis haha. So i quickly called up the store personnel to help me to get one. Perhaps i shld start sticking the 521,1111 outside my van too haha.

Well, finally i got some support from frens who advised me on how i shld deal with the problem. Its actually NOT my own problem but a problem to the community at large. Cant share with shifus too cos i dun wish to complicate them into the matter... but thanks for all the suggestions!

Why me?

Last evening, I did not join in the CMC sitting but went to SL instead. Did a lot of chantings + walking around the temple + offering of lamp, flowers & water to the buddha. Its a break from my usual routine.

The guided meditation session by Bhante Gunaratana was very special. Not that I havent attended one before, but the atmosphere last night was rather unique. The lights in the meditation hall were switched off except those dim orangy lights shining on the very huge Buddha statue. Surrounding me were huge window panes in which behind are swaying trees of complete darkness. The talks by Bhante was punctuated by several quiet moments. In the dark, I looked at the huge smiling buddha statue and felt as if i was back in 2500 yrs ago, with fellow buddhists gathering around the Buddha listening to his sermon in the forest.

After which, I sent sumantri back to NTU and visited SiaoLang Ananda. The above pic was taken in his room. A very big and nice room indeed. Hope you can gradually detach from ur room, just like what I have to do a couple of months back. Sometimes I look at the pictures i took in my NUS rooms and feel very much like going back to stay.

Lately, I am getting very confused and worried about some matters regarding my spiritual path. I happened to chance upon some unpleasant encounter, and was pretty helpless on how I shld go about dealing with it. While it concerns my 'spiritual health' in practising the Dharma, it will also affect some existing buddhist community to a very GREAT extent. Sounds exaggerating? Well, its indeed a very SERIOUS issue which sent a buddhist senior alarmed after hearing my sharing about the matter. I will be working alongside with this senior, probably with some veteran buddhist advisors on how to go about dealing with this matter. Its too great a karma to bear shld we make the wrong choice, and yet we definitely cant sit back and do nothing. It will be another set of bad karma if we know it and yet we arent doing anything to stop the wrong doings.

This matter does not really make me depress, but it kinda discouraged me and make myself more skeptical towards people, esp those from established buddhist organisation or even established personnel themselves. While we often talk about showing compassion, loving kindness and forgiveness, these have to be done with wisdom. I have to confess i am really LOST, I really need spiritual guidiance.

Why does it happen to me?

Found My Partner

I got my Peugeot Partner 5 days ago but havent really introduced it here. This shall be my partner that follow me to work everyday.

Its the 2nd European vehicle I am driving. The feeling of driving a Euro car really differs significantly from driving a Japanese one.

Running on diesel = Save money! Hopefully u wun hear any complaints from me in near future :p

Post Retreat Effects

Just got back from another Dharma talk at Cheng Beng Buddhist Society. In fact, its a Dharma Dialouge session. The above picture is Ven Ji Kang, one of the 3 teachers who conducted our meditation retreat last week. He is not to be mistakened with the famous HK artiste, Liu Qing Yun or Lau Cheng Wan.

Ven caught me by surprise by emailing me late last night, with well wishes. He called me today at my work again, for a chat, but unfortunately I was too busy to talk to him. Decided to meet him up this evening at Cheng Beng instead of going to train for my coming IPPT.

Frankly speaking, I am still pretty uneasy with the way Ven JiKang carried himself. I think he is getting too close to the lay people, to the extent of joking and leaning his arm over the shoulder of another fellow yogi during the last day of the retreat. I personally feel that we shld respect and keep a distant away from our spiritual teachers for effective learnings. However, he keeps reminding me that I shldnt learn the Dharma in such a strict and tensed up atmosphere, reminded me of Ven Chang Qing. Considering the fact that he has been ordained for more than a decade, I have absolute faith in his teachings and guidiance.

Similarly, I am glad to have met some new friends during the meditation retreats. Among them are some NUSBS snrs (the alumuni), whose presence reminded me of the few snrs i met in NUSBS FOC 2000. Similarly, they have the very calm and peaceful looks on their faces, compassionate smiles and speak very gently plus mindfully. These are the traits that impressed me during foc2000 and made me opened up to Buddhism. Indeed, the presence of these alumuni at the retreat reminded me of the days i spent in FOC2000.

Also, I get to know a couple of youths who were new to meditation retreats. They shared very interesting views on life, and one of them is extremely helpful when he learns abt the problems i am facing.

What touches me most are the aunties who are extremely devoted to learning the Dharma. No, most of them are not veterans in buddhism but also relative newbies like me. But they have such wonderful good karma to realise the importance of practising meditation at this later stage of their life. As such, I feel tat this retreat for them is even much more precious than to any of us youngsters.

Before I left the retreat, a few of these aunties stopped me and told me that I MUST continue to organise retreats, so that they can attend them in future. They have thought I am part of the organisers cos i took charge of some items during the retreat. I din bother to explain, but i 'promised' them i wud do so. This evening, I told Peisen to rob me in for future retreat plannings.

I feel so happy to share with the aunties on the importance of good meditation postures and getting themselves meditation cushions. Also explained to them on the different traditions of buddhism. This is the 2nd time (after vesak day at PKS) that i actually did my small part to reach out to ppl of a different age grp from mine.


Anyway, thanks to Edward and Jane for your concern abt how my retreat went. Its splendid, really :D May u all find a good job soon!

Accident

This evening, I have planned to visit PKS for Ven Kai Zhao's Dharma talk.

However, a freaky accident took place in my workshop, with one of my technicans scalded by the radiator water after an explosion. His face, half his body and left arm were all scalded.

When i reached the hospital, I found him shivering in one corner, half naked. His body is full of red patches, results of scalding from the chemical boiling liquids. I was quite helpless on how i could make him feel better.

Worse of all, he is a malaysian, who ride his motorbike to work daily. He stayed in Johor and I was wondering how he can go home now, esp he needs to come back to dress and undress his wounds everyday. Poor boy, i wanted to offer him my place to stay but i thot thats not very right. In the end, i left my foreman to settle the rest of the matters after collecting his medicine and paying the medical bills.

I thot the retreat helped me in a way that i did not react strongly to the situation. I believed if i havent gone to the retreat, i wud have felt very sad and worried abt this worker of mine. Thats not called compassion but getting myself emotionally driven easily by situations around me.

Anyway, much to reflect on after the splendid retreat i attended, but i thot its unfair to pen them down in words on my blog. Whatever I have appreciated and learnt shld be in my heart. If not, i havent learnt them, so no pt vomitting them out here :D

May my technician recover fast and sleep well tonite.

Off to Retreat

I will be going for a meditation retreat tommorow. So there will be no update of my blog until next week. I guess it will be the same for most of my fellow bloggers, who will be away for retreats too. So i supposed the blog world will be very quiet for the period.

Just like what happened in dec 2002, i was given 2 retreats to choose from. In the end, I chose to join in a chinese retreat at Malaysia instead of a local Theravadan one. It was a good experience and we even had to do the cookings ourselves. It was a good break.

This time, I have to choose between joining Ven Kai Zhao's retreat (Theravadan) and another Mahayana retreat by several Chinese venerables. My previous encounter with Ven KaiZhao was indeed rewarding, but I thought I wanted to experience guidiance under some new teachers.

I looked throught the time table for the retreat and found it very relaxing. Although each sitting is 2hrs, comparatively there are much less sitting sessions than most other retreats. Instead, there are Dharma lessons.

Since there wun be any intensive meditation practices, I wouldnt expect or anticipate my meditation to be pushed to a higher level. In fact, I see it as a good break from work (6 weeks in the working force already). It shld also be a good chance to throw myself back to a Dharmic atmosphere, a place for me to learn and feel the Dharma, and hopefully to push my motivation to cultivate well up again. This break is too important for me.

Haha it seems that i am already harbouring a lot of expectations. But like what Ven Kaizhao taught us, we shld make some well wishes to ourselves, that before any meditation sitting, we wish that we have a nice and good sitting. I also wish myself a good and fruitful retreat.

And I wish the same for those others who are attending the same retreat or the other on-going retreat. Hopefully my allergic cough recovers soon, if not i am going to disturb my fellow yogis... awww

Thanks

I would like to thank the following people for making effort to make my days brighter:

1) My Manager: Who allowed me to go for my other job interviews. He felt that he shouldnt stop me from advancing to better job opportunities as it concerns my career.

2) The Siemens recruitment officer: Who allowed me to change my interview appointment dates thrice.

3) My Manager (again): For allowing me to go off from work early on Wednesday after learning my mum was hospitalised.

4) The Indian nurse at TTSH: I think she is a superb nursing officer. I have stayed in hospitals so many times, and i know the 'pattern' of most nurses (emotional labour). But this nurse is really very committed and helpful in making my mum feels better in her hospitalisation stay.

5) The Siemens recruitment officer (again): Who wrote me an email, asking me to take care and sending well wishes to my mum after I told her why I couldnt turn up for the interview. She even said she will try to do some arragements such that I can straight away go the subsequent rounds of interviews. She signed off as : God Bless You & Your Mum. I think Christians are really doing very good job (with actions) in helping those in need of help.

6) Francis: Who is always ready to share with me his words of advice to help me overcome my hurdles + making effort to organise outings to gel up the ppl.

7) Jane + my other BS frens who have shown your concern one way or another.

Alrite, back to work :D

TEMPORARY BREAKDOWN (hopefully)

Greed

This afternoon my dad SMSed me, telling me that my mum has been diagnosed with mild stroke. The doctor claimed that half of her face shows signs of numbness. I was momentarily affected but shortly later, my work swarmed and occupied me, and I almost forgot abt the SMSes.

Its scary how one can be so engrossed in work till the extent of forgetting his family. I may sound exaggerating, but even I myself was surprised by my own reaction. But the sadness crept back immediately i went home.

It has been a painful decision to turn down the interview appointment for the post of Management Executive with Singapore Customs. Today, I received another phone call from Siemens. Its for the Siemen Graduate program, which include a 12-month working program and experience multi-faceted exposure to different business units & departments, including R&D, Production, Sales, Business Admin, Engineering, Logistic, Finance etc... Wah!!!

I was instantaneously tempted as the person began to interview on the phone. Having impressed with what i have said, she asked me down for an interview anytime this week. But sad to say, I have to work! and i actually lied to her that i am working part time (musavada!). She told me to try my best to get a time off, and I have to probably musavada again to my boss for letting me go.

Its a great dilemma.. i ve said i wanted to stay at a work place for more than one yr before deciding to 'jump'. But this package is too tempting. Its really a very good exposure. On the other hand, my present company is paying and treating me very well. The snrs here have painstakingly and selflessly shared with me their experiences and advices. I will feel extremely guilty if i were to leave them. In fact, my manager got worried today when i told him abt taking a block leave for my meditation retreat. Tats becos i have gradually taken over a relatively large responsibility by now.

My mum has discouraged me from leaving comfort, while my bro supported me to pursue my 'dream' job. My fren asked me issit that i dun like my present job. Well, i think i am GREEDY. When there are better options, i will start to dislike what i have now. Shldnt i be more contented with life? Anyway its jus an interview, with so many ppl fighting for the limited number of places.

By the way, I went to Ubi Medical Clinic jus now. Feel so great tat i dun have to pay a single cent for visiting the doc! hahaha... another pulling factor tat stops me from leaving my present company :(

Baby Baby Baby

Yday, I went to malaysia to attend my cousin's wedding dinner. Over at my uncle's house , there were several toddlers, most of them are my distant relatives' children (making them more distant?). Upon stepping into the house, a small fellow in yellow, probably less than 2 yr old, ran happily towards me wanting to hug my leg... aww, this baby is so cute!

I later found out he has the same chinese name as me : Yang Yang. I began to feel having a great affinity to this baby. In fact, he is not the most beautiful and good looking amongst the many toddlers around, but a rather thin and skinny one. However, he is definitely the most 'guai' one. He nv cried a single time whereas the other babies cried so much. And when he laughed or smile, there was no sound too. He is totally silent. And he is willing to play with everyone.

The above pic was taken during the wedding dinner. While the other kids were very playful and running around, he remained very guai and clinged quietly to his mother. I found myself keep on stroking the baby's head. He reminds me of someone.

Okie enough of babies.. aww i am down with an irritating sore throat and a bit of flu. I still find everyday's work a chore. When will i reach a stage whereby I can enjoy my work?

Praises & Critics

Counting down 45 minutes to knocking off. Within these 45 minutes, will I need to handle any sudden/surprise cases? Will I receive any last minute big arrows from my boss? I hope not.

It seems as if I am so free now to be able to blog. But frankly speaking, I still have quite a number of stuffs to handle, mostly plannings and devising projects which I cant complete within a couple of hrs. I ve decided to leave them till tmr and give myself a break after a long hectic day.

Not long ago, I gathered all my foremen and 13 team leaders for a briefing on a new scheme implemented. As I have got no stage fright and am experienced in talking to a large crowd, hence conducting such a briefing is a breeze for me. However, I thot i wasnt too effective so far in giving instructions. I may be talking out aloud with confidence + without missing any essential pts, but I felt as if my instructions have not been effectively brought across. In other words, I couldnt connect to the audience.

My Foreman feedbacked me positively that I did a good job in conducting last week's meeting and today's briefings. He has compared me with my manager who previously did my job. He always thot i was soft spoken but was alarmed when I sounded much more confident and steady as he has expected. Still, I feel a bit uneasy having to give instructions to ppl who are definitely much more experienced than me.

To add on further, another 2 foremen feedbacked to me that I appeared to be too 'soft' and 'weak'. I have been smiling and not harsh enough, both towards the staffs and the taxi drivers. They were worried that I will have difficulties to handle the staffs, and the hirers will take advantage of me by making unreasonable demands. I duno wat to say.. i have nothing to defend myself and as a newbie, I can only try to be humble now. But its a tiring process...

Mistakened

While learning the Dharma,

We often thought that the best Dharma book we ever read must be the best for others too.

We often thought that the teacher we respect most must be the one others respect most too.

We often thought that whatever aspire and motivate us, must aspire and motivate others too.

We often thought our views are the most correct (including wats happening now haha) and others shld follow too.

We are often mistakened.

Fun Nite

I wasted the entire morning and afternoon at home doing nothing constructive. Anyway, its supposed to be weekend and I chose to laze around at home.

Evening came and I went off to meet smallbro OWY and chun kit for dinner, before going for the CMC sitting. Chun Kit has expressed his interest in meditation earlier, but he has to go back home this morning. Unfortunately or fortunately for him, the tics were sold out. But he got the chance to join in the CMC sitting this evening, in which Sabz and Pearl were there too :D Sadhu for all of you!

Coincidentally, the ACB carnival was directly infront of the place where we meditated. We went there to spin the wheels. Initially the carnival din look great to me when I went there at 6 plus with the sky still bright. But when i went back at 9pm, the lightings really make the place look magnificent and grand (see the pic above). Anyway, ABC is the very first temple I feel I have the affinity to after joining NUSBS FOC2000. Its a place I got many good Dharma books and CDs. I am deeply grateful to ABC.



After the sitting and spinning the wheels, we proceeded for our dinner at a coffeeshop opposite the carnival. We had fried rice and was very full, when chun kit suggested eating more. Eventually, we walked all the way to eat Dou Jiang You Tiao, something which i dislike actually. Today, my dislikeness for it strengthened when we were chased away shortly after consuming our share cos there were too many ppl waiting for seats. I wasnt particularly happy with it becos we ate fast and actually stayed there less than 15 min. Furthermore, I find nothing special abt the Tow Huey except that its more costly than other places. In fact, i thot the pandan tow huey in Bizad canteen tasted much better.

Well now let me criticise a bit on the singer Fan Wei Qi. I used to like her songs a lot, like 'Qi Chen' and 'Xiang Tai Duo'. I thought she is a young + pretty + good singer who can deliver her songs very well. Unfortunately, her latest song 'Zhui Zhu Meng Xiang' sux big time. Its such a nice song and her delivery was damm pathetic. I feel thats not the right way to sing and deliver the song. No wonder her producer was against her singing style for it too. .well too bad.

Too Much Today

Within a short day today, many things happened. So this blog gonna be very lengthy, yet without a smooth flow.

1) New Job Opportunity
This morning, I received a phone call from Singapore Customs, asking me to go down for interview for the post of a Management Executive. It’s the kind of job I wanted very badly. I could feel my passion for this job even before I go down for the interview, I simply love the job nature. Moreover, the pay is 3-3.1k!!! Sad to say, I already have a job now. I thought I shld stay at one job for at least 1yr before I can learn enough to decide and conclude where I shld jump next.

2) Problems at Work
i) Disputes between Snr Workers
Today, one of my foreman complained to me about another senior technician. Both of them are supposed to be among the most seniors in the workshop, without 100s of technicians under them. I do not know how to solve the dispute, but I guess such things shld be handle with extra care. My manager couldn’t be bothered with this issue when I told him abt the problem, he is a not so ppl oriented person, and is only concerned with work quality and results. However, I feel that if the workers are not happy and cooperative, we cannot produce good work. I will do something abt it.

ii) The IA Student
One of the IA students came to my room today. He had a quarrel with one of the full-time technician, whom he claimed has bullied him. He felt that he is here to pick up technical skills and this technician has kinda disturbed and affected his learnings over here. He also added that he see no pt why the technician shld be nasty to him when I am always smiling at him. I told him coming to work is just not abt learning technical skills, but also learning how to work with ppl. It a good opportunity for him to be exposed in a real working world, to witness how ppl behave in the society. He agreed with me and said: Sir! I shld have studied harder and go to uni, then everyday sit in the air-con office like u.

iii) The Worrisome Taxi Driver
I have encountered many taxi-drivers by now, however, none was as special as this one I met today. I immediately notice the melancholic and worrisome face when the driver came to my room. I later found out he may have some psychological imbalance. He told me that he suspected my technicians were against him and they have purposely delayed the repair of his vehicle by making him wait for so long. I told him that’s not possible as my technicians will only try to finish their job fast so that they can rest earlier, they will nv wanna drag their job. He later added that his engine burst and suspected my technicians were out there to ‘revenge’ and sabotage him. I felt like laughing but I din, and told him that they wudnt do that as by doing so, they are creating my job for themselves as the ‘spoilt vehicle’ will ultimately come back to them for repair, giving themselves more work. The driver was convinced and said he felt better and more relief after hearing wat I say. I know I shldnt feel good or gloat over this driver’s misfortune, but so far, this has been the most happy case I ever handled. Perhaps I enjoyed making someone feel better.

iv) Reprimanding for the First Time
I have been working for four weeks, and so far, I have never lost my cool or scolded any of my technicians or Foreman. Firstly, I feel I was too new to throw my weights around and secondly, I dun like the feeling of making ppl unhappy. However an incident happened today which has reached beyond my threshold of tolerance and I called one of my snr technician to my office and reprimanded him. I guess everyone was surprised as I have never seemed to be so serious at my workplace before. This snr technician was apologetic for his mistake and I felt bad abt scolding him. Just imagine your father got scolded by someone who is around your age…. I think sometimes ‘respecting for snr’ and ‘getting things done right’ cannot comprise.

iv) Are you a Taxi Driver?
This week, there’s a road show at my work place selling insurance. There is this bunch of recruiters who miss no chance into getting the taxi drivers to buy themselves a policy. I happened to walk past the reception area when I was approached by one of them “ excuse me, do u mind if I introduce u a good stuff…. Blah blah blah”. “Sorry I am not a taxi driver!” I smiled back. Its alrite as I walked further down, I was approached 2 more times. I went back to tell my admin staffs, and they laughed their heads off. Well well, I shldnt wear blue to work next time then….

3) Blood Donation + Chinatown Walk
This evening, I met smallbro OWY and Chun Kit at outram for blood donation. For many times, I nearly blacked out after my blood donation and I always have to warn the nurses before hand. This evening, the ‘black-out’ feeling started to creep in minutes after my blood start pumping out. I thot “Shxx! Not again!”. Fortunately, it lasted just a while and I got back to shape shortly later. I am very happy that the National Blood Bank opens till 8pm every Friday. It has given working class ppl like me a chance to donate blood too since its close on Saturday aftn and Sundays. Surprisingly, the receptionist could guess I am an engineer! I thought I look like a taxi driver?

After the donation, we brought chun kit to the often-heard Evergreen Bookstore. Its his first time there, as we proceed on to eat Yong Tau Foo and ice-desserts at Ppl’s park Hawker. I felt as if I am bringing a tourist around, bringing him around to walk on the streets of Chinatown, haha.

4) Meditation is Good
I found out more and more of my friends, including jnrs of BS, are getting interested to learn meditation seriously. Most of them only attended those short and introductory meditation courses in NUS, but nv to any formal and proper courses. Indeed, its very impt to learn meditation through a formal and proper course, from a good and experienced meditation teacher. These frens have approached me to intro them a good meditation teacher/course. Anyone has lobang? Pls tell me, I really feel like arranging one for my frens.

Upside Down

My day turned upside down today...really upside down arghh...

Just as I thought the sky is clearing up after Vesak, a phone call came crushing me down towards noon time. I received a call from my insurance company, telling me that the other party whom I have met accident with during Christmas have wanted to claim from me.

It was puzzling as i thought the case was closed and settled long ago. Weeks after the accident, I actually received a letter from the other party's insurance company, NTUC Income, that they are willing to compensate for my loss on the agreement that I would not pursue the matter anymore. This also means that they other party has given the consent and green light to NTUC for letting me do the claim. In other words, he must have admit liability.

Disgustingly, he moved on to claim his damages from my insurance company. The agreement only stated tat after accepting the compensation from him, i cannot pursue anymore, and doesn mean he cant pursue anymore. Damm.. he wanted to claim around 2K whereas his insurance company only compensated me $200+.

My insurance agent said that they will gather evidence to see if they allow the other party to claim from them. If we were to reject him, he is most likely to pursue in court and I have to be present myself in court.. Damm..

Just as I was trying to gain my composure after the 'hit', a taxi driver caught up with me and began his shoutings and complaints. Walaos, this old indian fellow was really very nasty and fierce, and before I could settle his case with him, another Indian driver came shouting at me: Hey! After his turn, its my turn to complain to you! I suddenly feel my whole world crushing down... I reminded myself not to be a racist.

Fortunately, I managed to deal with them. My tricks were smiling at them, apologising to them (yeah hypocritically cos i really dun feel apologetic) and tapping their back + asking them to take care of their health. It works for most of them.

I duno why bad things come in a row.... back to the point on the car insurance claims. Be it the other party wins or lose his claim, he will have his own karma to bear. All I know is that my conscience is sparkling clear.

Sometimes when you r faced with big problems, esp those that deal with court/legal cases, u will feel ur other problems so small and minute, yet they used to bother and trouble u so much. So to my friends, dun get urself too upset over trivial matters. Save ur energy to cultivate yourself and practise the Dharma :D

More Vesak Reflections

1) Sadhu to Francis for his most recent blog entry. He has spoken almost exactly how I feel, so there is no need to repeat in my own blog.

2) To smallbro tree, i cant access your blog anymore. Probably my IE has conflicts to the real player or whatever music player u have in ur blog, that it causes my windows to shut down whenever i enter ur page. Too bad, jus msn and keep me updated of urself in the future :)

3) To caicai, peifen and organisers of PKS Vesak Celebration. Thank you for giving me this chance to offer my volunteer service. Its indeed a fun and meaningful Vesak for me working as a tour guide. Its a rare chance that I can share my limited Dharma knowledge with the public. While most of the time in campus we have to get our peers interested in the Dharma, last evening, many curious and inquisitive public members came to me themselves to ask me abt the Dharma. Some of the ppl that have left me indelible impressions include:

1) A young boy, not more than 10 yr old, asking me several buddhism qns including " what is a buddha relic".

2) A grandma with his grandson, who thanked me so many times along the way during the tour

3) A family of 4, with the wife/mother showing extreme great interest in every single word i said. It has served as a good incentive and encouragement for me to keep my job going.

4) An Israel couple who were very curious on buddhism, asking qns like what is namo ben shi, shi jia mo ni fo.

5) A guy in his late 20s, who asked pretty funny questions like whats the material of the buddha statue, and why was Prince Sidhartta pointing up to the sky, and wasnt him being arrogant etc

6) And a few others who ask questions on offering of flowers, incense etc cos they couldnt hear properly during the presentations

I think the activity that interest the ppl most was the prostrations by diff traditions of buddhism. I am glad most of the ppl were willing to do the prostrations after my demonstrations. Sadhu...

Its indeed a meaningful event this yr done by the Youth Ministry. At least ppl who came to the Vesak Celebration did not go home 'empty handed', but brought back with them some new knowledge in buddhism.


Oh well, went with sumantri to SL this evening. He complained that he couldnt feel the Vesak Celebrative Joy and mood in Singapore, be it at PKS last nite or at Suntec over the weekends. I have to agree with him, but we did feel the Vesak Joy at SL jus now. Its something more 'genuine', less commercialised and meaningful to the both of us. We met qinsong and ananda who were on their way there too.

After which, I went back to Raffles Hotel where my dad left his car. I walked past chijmes, and it reminded me of the christmas eve date i had with the 2nd gal of my life. It wasnt a pleasant memory, but it reminded me that i have fallen and managed to recover repeatedly. I feel blissful :D

Vesak Reflections

I just got back from PKS Vesak celebration and am now fresh from the showers. Its indeed a tiring night, considering I have to rush home to work, get changed and then to PKS. But then its definitely a very meaningful and joyous evening for me.

This evening, I was walking past the open space where Ven Kwang Sheng struck the bell 108 times during the count down of 2004. While the ppl around me were feeling joyous then, each hit of the bell kinda wake me up and instill some fears in me. It was then I realised I would be graduating by mid this yr, and i shall also end this yr no longer as a comfortable student but someone who needs to take charge and plan his own life. Thinking back, I feel pretty relieve now. At least I have gotten a pretty good job and is trying to settle down fast :D

This evening, the road by PKS was heavily jammed, with vehicles park illegally by the side of the roads. The nearest HDB flat carparks were all closed and reserved for residents only, leaving about only 20 parking lots for the public. I thought I wudnt be that lucky but true enough, there was one parking lot left for me!!! I was so happy to get it although the walk from there to PKS took about 15 min.

Along the way, I took a short cut in which I have to cut through a very dark grass field and climb down a slope. An old man was behind me as I offered to help him cross the field. He turned me down... oh well, but as I reached the slope, I knew there is no way the old man can climb down by himself. Thus, I waited for him until he reached me at the slope and he has no choice but to hold my hands. He thanked me and I felt very happy to help the old man make his way to PKS.

Last yr, there was SARS and we had to fill up declaration forms and walked thru the thermal scanners. Saw many MDC ppl then. This yr things were much easier, but definitely much more crowded.

The job of being the tour guide was tiring, but i got happier after each group. The idea of sharing the Dharma and explaining what i know buddhism to ppl makes me happy. I feel even happier to learn that there are still many ppl, some as young as 7 yr old, asking me questions on Buddhism. A small boy asked me what is meant by 'relics'.

Sorry to those NUSBS jnrs whom i have turned them down in joining our vesak tour. The vesak tour is targetting ppl with very little Dharma knowledge. In fact, most of the tour guides also have pretty shallow knowledge on the Dharma, but becos they wish to help out, they are tasked as tour guides so that any deeper questions can be directed to the facilitators. Moreover, the response for the tour is really very good and we were kinda short of manpower at some stages. I think some of u may be able to understand our situation, but to those who still sulked, grumbled and complained... well, thats ur business, i dun care.

If u really wish to find out more abt buddhism, I am willing to spend one whole sunday with u at the monastry explaining to u what I know abt buddhism, but tat will be definitely something pretty shallow, which u can definitely learn more from joining the NUSBS activities like courses and temple tour.

Well overall, I really enjoyed myself on Vesak Eve. Well done all the volunteers and organisers. Well done to those aunties who approach me where to sign up as volunteers the next Vesak.

Oh Suffering World

A short passage on the 3rd mark of existence - Suffering

The third mark of existence is suffering, dissatisfaction. To put it
concisely, we suffer when we resist the noble and irrefutable truth of
impermanence and death. We suffer not because we are bascially bad or
deserve to be punished but because of three tragic misunderstandings.

1st, we expect that what is always in the process of change should be
graspable and predictable. When we mistake what is impermanent to be permanent, we suffer.

2nd we proceed as if we are seperate from everything else, as if we are a fixed identity, when our true situation is egoless. When we mistake the openess of our being for a solid and irrefutable self, we suffer.

3rd, we look for happiness in all the wrong places. The Buddha called
this habit "mistaking suffering for happiness". We become habituated to reaching for something to ease the edginess of the moment. Thus we become less and less able to reside with even the most fleeting uneasiness or discomfort.

What begins as a shift of energy - a minor tightening of our stomach, a vague indefinable feeling that somethin bad is about to happen -
escalates into addiction. This is our way of trying to make life predictable. When we mistake what always results in suffering to be what will bring us happiness, we remain stuck in the repetitious habit of escalating our dissatifaction.

Courtesy of Zhihao (NUSBS ex-Dharma Director) Taken from Pema Chodron's book: comfortable with uncertainty-108 teachings on cultivating fearlessness and compassion)


Everyday I see the unhappy faces of the taxi drivers, worried about their vehicle problems, fighting for monetary compensations, rushing for time, angry with the technicians and such, I feel very sad too. Why are human beings chasing round the clock in exchange of more unhappiness?